Epic Fail

(written in early December)

I love the story of the time I gave up my free townhouse and sold everything I own, to free roam.... north San Diego county?

Mwahahahahaha.

I have decided to get real with the fact that this mission, since I chose to accept it, was an epic fail. I hear that term a lot, like when my daughter draws 2 eyes too close together and ruins her whole picture, or when her friend sings an misses a note. But none of that is a great of magnitude as this giant leap I took that lost it's air as soon as my toes touched the ground.

Before anyone feels the need to remind me that there is no failure, or this is just the beginning of something new, let me assure you that I'm there, I get it. That's an easy story for me. I have resisted "failure" and being wrong for so long, that it feels so refreshing right now to turn and face this shadow and open my arms wide to embrace it. I'm not afraid of it. It's not chasing me anymore. I can laugh - there's no fear involved in it.

My mission, as I chose to accept it, was to free roam the country, to see great landscapes out my windshield, to meet my Tribe scattered everywhere, to experience a bucket list. I took a HUGE leap of faith, I experienced SO much to prepare myself for this, and I flopped. I couldn't manifest it. I raced out of my house to play homeless in my own neighborhood. I got scared. I choked. I ended up with a broken down RV and a put-put-put actualization of adventure. I got reaquainted with the ocean and met some pirates and didn't want to leave. I wanted to cry when I thought of leaving my loving friends and my brother ♥

Our nomadic lifestyle became a year trip, which became a 6-month trip, which became 3 months, which became the option to take the trip without my oldest or stay local. I can't travel without my roaddog. Not even an option. So here we are.

It got cold fast once we were out of the house. I'm hoping that Spring brings new birth to this dream, in some incarnate or another :) Right now, I want to climb into my cave and hybernate.

This has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. It has almost broke me down more than once. I have had to try real hard to gleam the positive from it -- I'm so proud of myself for my ability to. I have experienced things I never would have chosen for myself and my children, like the time we ran out of gas in a parking lot, broke, and got stuck there all day without our groceries which were in the RV, so I went to the surrounding food places and begged for free food for my kids. Subway was more generous than Wendy's and more kind. Or the time I drove to 8 different stores to beg for free diapers for Najaia and got turned away 8 times, sometimes not so warm-heartedly. Or the fact that we spent Thanksgiving in a restaurant with people who lived on the streets. This adventure HAS broken me - it's broken me down more times than I can count. Before this last weekend, I took about a half a dozen showers in 2 months.

This adventure hasn't been pretty -- it's been hard work that doesn't seem to matter (the RV), difficult emotionally and mentally. It has been me controlling my kids more than ever and losing my temper from the stress. I have had CPS called on me by my own family member, and the police called to check on the welfare of my kids twice by complete strangers.

I've been more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life.

Is it too late to take back welcoming the unexpected in our adventure? Is it too late to take back welcoming opportunities to get real with the issues that are barriers in my life: namely, finances, friendships, and class.

I have gone to places that cater to homeless people to ask for help with things and realized I felt like I had to feel badly about our situation to ask for help from them, like I was afraid they wouldn't want to help us unless we felt downtrodden and desperate. It gives me some SERIOUS food for thought about my feelings surrounding asking for help and support and such.

I have felt tired of doing everything alone. I'm about sick of being a single parent right now. Wish me luck finding someone who will understand our greatness and excitedly dive in :D

I remember a friend of mine explaining how she loved reading fulltime family blogs, because it seemed folks who lived on the road were so honest, so raw. That is SO true. I guess that when you find yourself talking about poop hoses on a regular basis and cherishing water like it's gold and living life in the raw, you get real really fast.

What I love most about this blog post is that there is no judgment, no tears (anymore) over these situations or the giant epic fail in general. I am laughing as I write. I know that what is most important is that I am still dancing. Even whilst singing to the tune of my epic fail (the biggest anticlimax of my life, which is saying a lot, considering the fact that whilst shooting for a Ph.D., I am sitting on my BA and almost 50 grand in student loans), I'm dancing a jig as if I just scored a touch down! LOL I'm so weird hahaha.

I am sharing this post, regardless of the fact that I want to delete about half of it before publishing, because I want to give this giant failure of a dream manifested a big hug and a pat on the back and say, "You are SO awesome! You dived for your dreams, and when you fell to the ground, you got up laughing and didn't regret or decide to go back."

No, I may have failed at manifesting my "free roam the country as a lifestyle" dream, but I'm not getting back into a house! I almost thought that was what I needed to do, like "well, since that plan failed, I guess I need to..." No way.

I was feeling more lost than usual this past weekend (which is saying a lot, because I have felt lost a lot recently). I had no CLUE which direction I wanted to head. I thought I was going to need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, put my kids in daycare, get a j.o.b., start paying my creditors, and lay down some roots in a lease-locked box attached to the earth. I was so desperate for some advice that I called my mother... luckily, I got her voicemail. I ended up talking with my son's dad. I just KNEW he was going to provide the fresh insight I needed, that he was going to be able to regurgitate the dreamspiration I have been filling him with since we met so many years ago. Since I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, it should be safe to say that I spent the first 95% of the phone call wondering why I had felt compelled to talk to HIM, scared I was more lost than I even imagined, and realizing REALLY quickly that although I didn't know what I DID want, I was pretty clear on what I didn't. Then he said it... He told me about when he was almost ready to cave in to pressure from his family to cut his dreads off so he could find a j.o.b. easier, and he had talked with another Dread, who told him something along the lines of, "When something is wrong, they always want you to cut yourself, as if that will make it all better. Then you can be like them. Don't cut your dreads, Man." And then the other 2% of the conversation he shared a quote by KRS-1. The part that stood out to me went something like, "Repeat your winning formula for success." What has made me feel successful in the past? Certainly not conforming, working a j.o.b. to pay creditors. Haha, then I found this quote:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." - Ellen Goodman

Yeah, I'm not getting a j.o.b. I'm not cutting my dreads (what makes me me). My winning formula for success has been chasing dreams, and I'm gonna was, rinse, and repeat ;)

Last night I read this quote: "If at first you don't succeed, redefine your purpose."

Falling, Opening, and Trusting

Things fall apart so new things can come together.

What a last few weeks life has been... Now that I am on this side of it, I look back and am grateful for so many things falling apart, so that new things can be built. I trust that these things will be even better, because that is how my life seems to roll :))

Firstly, I am done struggling financially. Whatever that may look like. I love living nomadically, and I am looking forward to making it look less like a financial struggle and more like the dream I see just a step away. I have SO MANY BLOCKS to money, in ways you can only begin to imagine. I don't know why I push money away, but I am going to figure it out, and fast. I am ready to bring money into my life in big refreshing ways waves -- waves that allow freedom and joy and self-fulfillment to echo through our days.

Having said that, I am not going to be working for Tara. I love her -- oh, do I love her, and I look forward to a lifetime friendship :)) I wanted very badly to make it work, because I love Tara (even before I started working with her) and her message and wanted to support it and be a part of watching it grow :))))) But the external has been a reflection of the internal, and my crazy recent life has made me realize that I really need to walk my own path to success -- just because I am the trailblazer type and reigning all of me in and funnelling me into something that is not bursting from my heart on my own path doesn't seem to work so well for me LOL That is my current understanding ;)

So, I have a big giant world that just opened before me. Entrepreneur. Businesshood. I am even more excited than ever :))))) I am dreaming again, and REALLY excited about all that I am gearing up for. This is big. Like huge big. Giant baby steps ROFL So much is still taking root, so it will be a bit before I see the seedlings and then can share, but you know it is all growing in the behind-the-scenes. Send me earthy-compost, sunshine-radiant, deep-dark-reflective energy, while I  slowly and gently water this over the winter of my heart and see what spring brings :))

Even after all that I have just said, the biggest falling apart has been my big wild dream of free roaming around the country. Kassidy got offered her dream opportunity that requires staying local (details below). At very first, I thought "I will put my dreams on hold for my child's dreams", but then I remembered that I can still live my dream (just differently than originally planned -- whatever "original plan" was LOL It has changed so much already, over and over again). So, I quickly decided to open myself up to whatever the babies' and my destiny are in the midst of Kassidy's dream. I knew I could trust that it would be fulfilling regardless :))

It still tickles me to say "I just gave up my free 3-bedroom townhouse, sold everything I owned, and raced out into the world, just to travel and settle no further than 45 minutes from where I started." The truth is, even though we have not logged a lot of miles, the journey has been immence! Stuffed to the brim with learning and living and moments that have all made it worth it, regardless. And the best part is that it's not done, it's not over. There is no "finish" flag in sight -- it's just gonna be different. I'm not ready or interested in rooting myself into a house (or a lease!), so we are going to continue to live nomadically, just locally. We will be travelling out of state when Kassidy does. We will take short trips when we can. We will have a deliriously happy Kassidy in our presence when she is with us. Maybe this is better than the original plan? :))

So, Kass' opportunity is to show prize horses from the ranch my mom lives on :))) She will stay in their giant beautiful house where my mom cooks the gourmet meals 4 days a week. She LOVES all the animals and people there, and will probably have her own gigantic room. She will be riding horses and working on the ranch with horses, donkeys, dogs, and cats that (I have on authority) are some of the coolest to walk this earth. She will get to let her superstar SHINE!!!!!!! She was so made for this :)) I am BURSTING with excitement over this :) Not to mention, all the delicious natural life lessons she will learn, through the beauty of unschooling (like waking at early hours, bathing regularly, curbing her temper... you know, all those things I trusted she would learn somehow when necessity dictated without needing to "train" her early). This is awesome.

I am more interested in rolling with the punches than thinking anything is any reason to throw in the proverbial towel. I invited the unexpected when I undertook this mission, and it sure has been! This new turn is no exception. Who knows what next month will bring! I am sure glad we have the nomad mindset, though -- going with the flow, open to change and imperminence, available to follow callings, especially in creative ways.

The sunset from our perch on the beach ♥

This is Our Life

The novelty is wearing off. And we are still in love :))) Sorry to annihilate a suspenseful post -- I'm just so excited to share LOL

I feel like we are going through the throes of life, and I keep checking in to see if we need to make some big changes (like give up our big dreams of a roadventure and settle back into a house), and I keep coming up with "This is still perfect".

A house isn't going to save us from the funk :) And even if it would be nice to sit or lay somewhere for a whole day or more, a house isn't the "big picture cure", so we find a place to sit or lay for as long as possible (which has been the library for us for the last 2 days -- from open to close). I have gone inside on retreat. I opened up Netflix on my laptop for Noble, and he watched for 2 days straight (minus sleeping and hardcore park play the mornings before the library opened up). And I read. I finished 3 partially-read books the first day (I haven't finished 3 books over the last 3 YEARS, so that was quite an accomplishment), and the next day I read a couple magazines put out for counselors, which helped me get through my block to being a guru.

I feel rejuvinated and ready for my next step in life. I have so many ideas that revolve around travel. Eek! I am thinking about putting on free workshops in various community centers across the country about living big dreams. Oooh, Living Big Dreams -- I LOVE that name!

I really want to live my calling. I have been thinking so much about that recently. I have been wondering what my Message is, how it is similar and how it is different from other messages that are close to me. I have been in creative mode -- thinking of a million ways to create in various areas of my life.

If I were a goddess (and I am, ask Goddess Leonie), what would I be the goddess of? Ooooooh, how do I narrow it down to just one thing? LOL Self Truth? Self Design? Enthusiastic Living? Actualizing Big Dreams? Ooooh, so much deliciousness :)) Still need to find the most core-est (LMAO) connection between the 2, because THAT is it, I think :)) Every venture in my life has come from that place, and what an adventure it has been! LOL

According to Heather Madder, our whole life is created and meant to hone, challenge, and experience our life message. What has my whole life revolved around? Self, definitely.... Being true to myself. Grasping for big dreams and making them happen. Learning to Trust my Truth and mywholeself. Taking off my blinders and following the callings inside me for new direction. Shaking off old bits and growing up to the sky. Letting go and allowing in the seasons life experiences. Living more NATUREly. Ditching my shackles and dancing a life of free.

I'm seeing that theme again...

I know this can't just be my message. I know I am not the only naturally-carefree-spirited child who grew up to be reserved and afraid. I know connecting with fellow Sunshine People will help us all BURST out of the thick heavy clouds that we carry around us to keep our sun rays inside, safe.

I think there is a reason that my enthusiasm is contageous for people -- it is my calling, and a part of my message.

I think I just found that connection between Self and Truth and Dreams.... My Dreams and my Self are One, and this is Truth. Hmmmm, gonna sit with that for a while today and see if it is the core-est Truth of my message.

Free self and dreams. Ooooh, I like it :)) Gonna take it and run :))

This is like a view of our life...