The Prodigal Woman

I know it has been a while since I have posted on here. I will be honest, I haven't been feeling very insightful recently. The weird part is that I have been proud of myself for living more aligned with my values of love and peace through adversity than ever. But stress and some other things that feel "unaligned" seem to monopolize that place where insight used to grow and want to be shared from.

We have been just BEing recently. It has been free-ing, but I feel kinda unproductive. I had such big dreams for this RV-journey that we were going to embark upon. Now I feel like I am spinning my wheels (very slowly, even) in mud. I am trying to dream, to stay focused on my dreams. I think I used up all my motivation and inspiration LOL Now, I am replenishing? Who knows...

So, our plans at this point are to comandeer some land (LOL) and start building and growing a life. I need some stillness. I miss the comfort that comes with being in the same space over and over and over and over. I want to lay in one spot in the sun on the grass for about a month, I think LOL

I am ready for a small beautiful home nestled on big green faery land not too far from the beach, to build things and grow things, to live sustainably, to richly unschool my children, to create a face Tribe, to run my own business, to have the freedom to spontaneously travel, to love a partner and build together a wildly blissful life and family, with lots and lots and lots of stolen romance.

A place for building big dreams, treehouses, a big swing, animal habitats, playhouses, pillow forts, fairy gardens, labrynths, coy ponds, and anything else I can find on the internet to inspire me :)

I have sure come full circle. I wanted to get out of my house because I was feeling restless about just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration and needing experiences to live them. Now, I am reallllllly looking forward to just laying around browsing the internet at my will, feeling over-full on inspiration LOL

I am grateful for the journeys I have taken, even if they all end up leading right back to home. I guess that makes me a bit of an adventurer LOL I feel like the prodigal woman :)) And I have a whole new appreciation for it all. I love the life I have lived, the many adventures (often contrasting) that I have undertaken, and what meaning it all brings to my present. I love how thinking about it reminds me of the powerful manifestor that I am. I have really done a lot of things! I have felt so passionately about so much in my life -- what a blessed life to have lived. Not that it is over. No, not at all :)))

I think I am learning to not take it all so seriously. I used to be such an extremist, like something I was going to do or was into was radically completely amazingly transforming everything in my life from the bottom up. Okay, so maybe it did. Maybe it's just more normalized for me to radically change everything from the ground up now? Well, whatever it is, I feel less attached to the permanence I once felt about the whole thing.

I was afraid to grow on land, the way I want to now. I was afraid to invest in something that would ultimately be impermanent. But I have learned that I can beautify the world, even if I don't stay with that spot forever. And I have learned that I will find another amazing wild chapter to pursue once this land chapter has died off in my heart. I don't have to be afraid of something being amazing, or of something ending or being gone. I will keep on trekin'.

Home is...

...where the heart is.

This has a whole new meaning for me right now. It is oh-so-clear to me that home is the abode my heart is invested in being in. I have learned a lot about "home" recently. "Home" has changed so much. In the last couple years, we have lived in a huge house of our own, a medium house of our own, an RV of our own, a van of our own, and now staying with a friend in her home.

I used to struggle with feeling at home in our home. I had so many issues about it being clean enough, and then about it being too clean and feeling sterile. I was uncomfortable, and so I think people sensed my discomfort and felt uncomfortable, too. People didn't come over and stay all day every day, and we didn't have a lot of friends who we did that with, either.

I always longed for it. And I love love LOVE being here with my friends. Finally, I feel like I am living tribally, communally. This is such an amazing exercise in togetherness.

I love staying with my friend in her home, but I am ready to have our own home, to be in our own home.

I got into the RV knowing that afterward I was going to live in a house on some land and grow roots, family depth, and everlasting community. I am ready to invest in some land, on some land, into some land. Our family is bursting with an abundance of ideas for our land, like a labrynth, a tree house, a garden, a huge sandbox, lots and lots of outdoor area for play and exploration. A swing for me and my beloved to sit in on a warm night or a beautiful day. A fort. A playhouse with a kitchen. All of this homemade, of course. Oh, yes. Yummy to my soul.

A lease-locked box attached to the earth didn't sound appealing to me in the very recent past, even. But now, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I have so many ideas for the inside, too -- little bits that make a house feel like a warm and inviting home, a place to grow a family and a love relationship and community of unschoolers and red-tenters.

Now to convince myself that this can be manifested as quickly as I manifested this RV lol

I'm ready. We all are ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Amazon Warrior Monk Rockstar

I shaved my head to release my attachment to my hair and my attachment to my idea of beauty. I thought it was going to be a lesson in embracing the ugly. I knew it would humble and "right" me in ways I could not even know yet.

I shaved my head as a symbolic piece to a cleansing formula of my life. I released who I was to find out who I am. I let go of the old and opened up to the new. I could feel my head opening up to the universe, pouring in enlightenment and Oneness.

I felt strong, like an Amazon Warrior, and I quickly took to resonating with the title Amazon warrior monk.

I wasn't expecting to feel more radiant and sexy than I remembered ever feeling before. I felt so fresh, so alive, so free. Just wow.

And now a new chapter of this shaved head experience is emerging... I went out to a club with a few GORGEOUS friends a couple weeks ago. I kept feeling the pull to go to a club and experience some place that is so "superficial" while aligned deeply with my unattachment to my hair and my old beauty ideal. The most surprising thing happened! I haven't had so much attention and guys buying my drinks and so much FUN since I was 60 pounds lighter with blond curls down to my butt. I was a show-stopper! Wowsers!!! Suddenly, my shaved head was the "new emerging hair style that few could pull off but I did so well". Whoodathunk! So now I feel kinda like a rockstar, and I have taken to accentuating my eyes, since they POP with a shaved head :)

Everywhere I go, people rave about my shaved head. I didn't think I was going into this as "my new hairstyle" -- it was just an experience, and I was ready to get quick about growing my curls back out before I'd even shaved my head. But now, I am really feeling ROCKING this shaved head.

I feel bold and powerful. I know this was "supposed" to be the year of aligning with my "right" in preparation of stepping into my power. But "rightness" was so short-lived, and boldness seems to be my pathway to powerful. Rightness, as it turns out, didn't need to be done (like cleaning the house), but something I live, like stretching for a long walk. And I am suddenly feeling READY to be powerful.

I am learning more and more that my fears are usually just not being ready, they are sort of excuses for my gut feeling of not being ready for something. I love sinking into that readiness (or not-readiness, as the case may be) and living life a bit and seeing how it automatically corrects itself over a bazillion little moments between my acknowledgement that I am not ready and that moment when I realize "oh yeah, baby, here we go!"

Maybe without my hair, I move free-er and so am ready sooner? LOL I don't know. But I am so ready. I am ready to manifest this power and channel some AMAZINGNESS in this upcoming year. I am bold. I am powerful. I am not a watered down version of me. I am not shy. I am an Amazon warrior monk rockstar... women-circling tribe-creating goddess guru. Oh yes, this is me :) Trailblazer. Firestarter.

p.s. - my wardrobe has become more bright and brilliant, too. Pics to come :))

p.s.s. - I wrote this for Tara's blog:

It was perfect, a part of the deep cleansing I was doing, a way to take what was inside and wear it outside, a symbol of new transformation in my life. I thought it was going to be a lesson in embracing my ugly – I wasn’t expecting to feel so radiant and sexy! I have bounds of clarity, especially in what is “other people’s stuff” and what’s mine (like how some people can see my beauty, some feel shaving my head is weird, and some people were way more attached to my curls than even I was). Sometimes I feel like a monk ripe with readiness for enlightenment, and sometimes I feel like a gypsy goddess extraordinaire. One thing is for sure, this is the mark of a new beginning for me. I feel reborn. I have been making some serious space in my life over the past few months, and I look forward to growing with my hair and appreciating it all in new ways. My curls are not what make me beautiful – I am.