on losing my faith

Darling ♥

I knew that once the dam was open, it all would come flowing out.

There are so many layers and threads, so many pieces to the nightmare we just woke up from.

One of the over-arching issues during my children's forced separation is how it blew my faith off my map.

My faith revolved around trusting that I can handle anything if I live my values.

I have heard the term "losing my religion" and I know of people who had that happen during traumatic experiences, and it totally happened to me.

I didn't want it to.

I wanted to sink deeper in my trust. I wanted my faith to guide me.

I did in the beginning.

I tried to be love, and I tried to open up to trust in the Divine Plan, and I tried to find the blessings and the lessons.

But I was angry.

I felt betrayed by my faith that everything in life happened for a reason, that we manifested the experiences we had in life in some way, that if I was a good, honest, loving person that the people who needed to see it would and we would always be okay.

I was calling bullshit.

Because apparently, some wild card can be thrown at any time in the game. Apparently, shit can just get crazy even when dedicatedly-good people don't f*cking deserve it.

And you know what, fate - eff you. I don't want to sign up for your shit anymore. You can keep my effing greatness, and just give me a simple life somewhere safe with my kids. I forfeit my greatness. Get someone else for the job. I don't want to do this anymore.

That is how I felt during all of it, even as I knew I would be okay when my family was reunited I am fine with my destiny. This IS what I signed up for. Apparently, sometimes it will really suck so bad for longer periods of time than I could imagine is fair or necessary, but I can do this, and it IS my honor and pleasure to allow this to open me up to my calling to serve sisters and brothers in their journeys on this earth ♥

But it is a hard pill to swallow, and I wasn't always in that zone.

I was being called to a different guide. I was being called to save that stuff for later down the line, and just be right here right now.

I was in the grit of life, and I was meant to be here.

So where was here? Every fiber of my being screamed that this situation was unnatural and oh so very wrong, and I was not meant to run from it to feel happier or be more okay with all of it.

I was meant to not be okay with it.

I was meant to be angry. Feel furious. Express rage.

I felt a burning in my belly, and I left it there. Instead of racing up the emotional ladder to escape those feelings, I sat with them and tried to learn how to live with a fire in my belly.

It was a fire in the darkness, but not the kind of light that I was used to.

I cursed the Divine Weaver, the divine plan, for putting us through this. I cursed the sky and the earth. I felt fury at everyone who had ever wrong me.

I let it sit in my belly, alive, not buried under a volcano or exorcised through the meridian system.

I allowed myself to feel it and to come back to it, to be devastated by it, to cry over it.

I didn't know how to be that way.

That wasn't me. Before, I couldn't hold a grudge to save my life.

This was different.

This wasn't about holding a grudge. This felt like being real. A deeper peace within with the dark muck, and the flames that lick away the illusions.

I wasn't being called to share love and light and trust. I was being called to be gritty.

A new balance between the old me and this new thing. A new me.

I feel more deeply integrated with the wild.

I feel like a wolf.

At the same time I was losing my faith and cursing the fates, I was sinking deeper into my primal calling.

My beloved brother sent me this, and it became my anchor in a safe harbor. Finally, I could invest my trust somewhere.

I know that my faith has shifted.

I used to reach upward and draw the divine down. During this ordeal, I only felt safe drawing on my own soul's wisdom. And now, I am just staying close to home to find what I need - the familiar cozy blanket of community, earth, and moon.

I think the Universe and Fate understand that I am licking my wounds right now and will be back again once I find healing and peace.

In the meantime, I welcome the opportunity to deepen relationship with the primitive aspects of my divine.

waking from a nightmare

My Loves ♥

I have been absent.

I have been fighting a big fight.

An hour after my last post about taking leaps of faith like a badass, CPS showed up at my friend's house, armed with allegations of medical neglect and a Sheriff, and took my kids.

I fought for 7 weeks to get them back, and now I have been fighting for the last week to recover from the experience.

Words cannot describe the hell I have been through, the trauma my children have been through, and I hope to be able to share more of it with you soon, when I can find the words, when reliving it to describe it doesn't leave me sobbing in a puddle on the ground.

It's a story that needs to be told.

What I can share is that after fighting tooth and nail for the truth to be revealed, my children were returned to me, the case dismissed, and we have no further CPS/court involvement.

Instantly. Like "poof".

Well, kinda like "poof", except for my family reeling in the aftermath.

That legal "poof" is incredibly rare. I owe the victory to Truth Revealed. And I feel like I live an epically charmed life for all of the blessings that fell into place to make this a reality. I had HUGE support from my Facetribe and a seriously dedicated team of magic-workers who helped plug me in to the resources that made this happen.

Not all families have that, and my heart breaks for them. I cannot imagine having gone through all of this without the constant ears and shoulders, encouragement, kindness, love, perspective, help, and ability to allocate such huge tasks that were set before me to such competent incredible beings.

I know this happened to me, to open me up to be more available to the families I look forward to serving.

This experience has transcended my life and my life purpose.

I hear I just leveled up.

A warrior forged by the fire of the phoenix.

Again.

Braver-er, wiser-er, heartier, take-no-bullshit-ier.

I broke. I was broken. I was shattered into heavy heavy pieces, trying to figure out how to live each moment.

I sunk deep. I tapped a deep inner source. A fire grew in my belly.

I touched the tangible primal inside me. I have raged against the night sky and in my mind and deep into the earth. I hear the primitive call of my tribe howling at the moon - my people calling for me. I feel the wild protector growing alive inside me. I feel my calling to not only help families design intentional lives but to help them prepare to protect it, because what is the point of a life intentionally designed if it can be ripped from you in a moment's notice for no good reason.

New lessons on being proactive and advocating for myself, when I used to cower. Love and kindness and peace are great, if they are a choice. But they are not powerful when they are a default of fear. And how can this be translated into helping my community?

Crystal clarity on relationships - specifically, the healthiness of certain relationships - in my life. And a "take no more shit" policy on people who mistook my kindness for weakness.

This warrior is what has transcended from the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. And there is more to me right now. I am bold, but I am also soft.

The trauma breaks my heart every day, and it sometimes cripples the empath in me. It takes some serious healing mojo to recover from something that big, especially when you feel like you have zapped your resources just to get through. How do you ask for more afterward?

But I must.

My children and I are free and clear, legally, but not emotionally or financially - our financial needs are overwhelming to me right now, after the financial waste of my resources CPS's hoops created for us. So, I set up a bit-o-fundraising, for beloveds and their beloveds who might have the heart and means to help heal us further.

This is me refusing to feel helpless in this destruction, refusing to sink into the depression of feeling "stuck" and "unable to..."


I look forward to offering my services again soon, to families, to mamas, to women, to brothers. Who could use an emotional midwife, a life design guide, a sacred mentor, and so much more.

I suspect, once I can taste my freedom, I will feel ready for that job again.

For now, what I am offering to my community is a legal service that is a buffet of legal equality, including the service that would have protected my family from the trauma of this experience. I am absolutely delighted to share this with my people, and if you want to know more about it, please feel free to contact me. This service is a win all around - it's an incredible company, offering an incredible service, to oh-so-deserving people ♥

This first post updating you all has been the hardest, and I am sure now that the dam has opened, the flow will come out easier ♥ I look forward to filling you in with the details as I can ♥

taking leaps of faith like a badass

Hello, Darling ♥

I'm in one of those moods. One of those kinds where I feel fiercely authentic and over-ready for life alignment.

Feeling seriously brave today.

Brave enough to leap into my destiny fiercely knowing that it will all work out, that no fear is worth holding back and playing life small.

I am tired of not having a hOMe. I am ready to hOMestead. I am ready to gather an intentional community of soul sisters and soul brothers. I am ready for goats and chickens and farm structure building (motivated by Pinterest pictures of repurposed materials). I am ready for an earth-grounded home. I am ready to live sustainably. I am ready to grow a business, leveraging my incredible life experiences. I am ready to open up completely to abundance. I am ready to secure myself with a savings.

I am ready. I am ready. I am ready.

So, how does one take a leap of faith like a badass?

My formula goes a little something like this:

Know that this is your undeniable destiny. Especially having tried other things that didn't light you up and didn't fulfill you because they were not your calling.

Tune in to your needs. What do you absolutely need? Make sure you have that, and be incredibly open and creative about how that can fit with your destiny. Ask yourself every moment how you need to be cared for - self-care enables you to show up ready for anything you are undertaking.

Hold a vision. Know what it looks like, feels like, tastes like, sounds like, smells like. Engage in it's vividness. Grow a vision board or alter or journal or list dedicated to every soul-delicious details of your vision. Visit it daily, carry it in your back pocket. Align your whole life energy with it.

Gather a support group. Your biggest cheerleaders. The ones who believe in you. The ones who remind you why you are doing this when you have doubts. The ones who won't let you step away because you don't think you aren't brave enough. The net you fall into every time you trip (it's a new dance, tripping happens!). The sisters and brothers who sit with you on the floor and listen to your heart and hold hands together while you stand back up, sending you off again like a father giving his most heart-felt blessing.

Face your fears and ask each of them if they can stop you. Sometimes, this requires heaps of trust that the thing will just work out in some creative way. And also trusting that what you are stepping into is better than anything you are afraid of.

Let good-intentioned folks keep their own fears. Know that their fears are their own stuff coming up for them. It really has nothing to do with you, except that you became a mirror for them. But if their fears trigger you, take a peek at them and see if they truly are a concern of yours that you want to examine, or if you were just absorbing their fear-energy ♥ Do some energy clearing and send them love and blessings, and hope that you will be a great example for them to follow their own dreams. If a dream is so precious and vulnerable, sometimes I don't even tell people until I'm in the next step (below), so they can't try to stop me. This may be a part of your self-care. And never underestimate the power of simple Ho'oponopono.

Be so ready that nothing can stop you. Grow that momentum until it cannot be stopped. Until the brakes don't even work.

Race around at the last minute to get prepared. lol This just happens to me - it's not planned, just spontaneity at it's best :) Don't let "not being completely prepared" stop you - you can check stuff off your list en route. Because the next step is more important than this one.

Leave, leap, catapult, propel. Just take a step. Just keep stepping. Just do it. Before you know it, your past is in your rearview mirror and the wind is in your sails. You freaking did it!!!!!!!

SQUEEEEEEEEE your statuses on Facebook. :) Inspire others! Let them on the ride! Maybe it's just to your support group? Or maybe this helps you get clear about who you want on your friend's list at all?

Allow the swift and powerful flow. This is the part where you would be freaking out if you tried to slam on the brakes or put a foot down in a riding down the river analogy. Just ride the ride. The longer you can ride it, the further you will get into it. And the incredible lessons you will have will blow your old self away.

Sit with your butt on the earth. And allow your head to swirl in the flow. You can be grounded AND in the flow as the same time. I highly recommend it. It's been an integral part of the processing and integration of all that has and is happening, and the continued ability to allow the swift and powerful flow.

Stay present. You are no longer who you were. You stepped into the fire, and it burned off all the old outdated stuff. You are just here, just you now. No need to try to remember who you used to be or how you used to do things. Enjoy now.

Be a lighthouse. Let your story inspire others. Speak your truth about risk-taking and faith-leaping. Encourage others to follow their dreams. Become a part of their support group. A perpetuating circle.

Rinse and repeat. Your life has been INCREDIBLE. But someday, you may feel stuck again and ready for a new adventure. Do it.



All my love,

p.s. - If you want to connect deeper on this with me. I offer love + inspiration + insight + dream-manifesting consultation + big heaping waves of support + I believe in you. All for donation. For you. Yes, you. Whether you are brand new to my blog and to meeting me, or someone who has been following in silence for a long time. If you feel called toward me to help you through anything in your life, please connect with me. It is an honor and my absolute pleasure to connect with you. I don't turn anyone away ♥ ♥ ♥ Come ♥