Reinspired

So, I have been in a deep funk recently. I've tried, during the previous reoccurring funks, to climb out as fast as possible. I've tried proving wrong the horrible things my insides say are true. I've tried giving the horrible things a Mother Teresa love bath. Currently, I've been tired from running from the things. I feel like I have been building on quicksand, and the constant building gets exhausting. Is the building or the quicksand the real problem? So, I decided to turn and face these things head on, to deeply dig to find where they started growing and how they got watered and why they are real now. No easy feat. It was deep and heavy and funky. Lots of resistance. And, of course, my home has been a reflection of my dark mucky insides. Ah, my poor kids! <3 We are all learning so much, and it's not always pretty, even though I know it means a healthier mama "tomorrow". Feeling stuck doesn't feel so good to me -- in fact, it's a pretty big thing for me. Hopelessness. Heaviness. My fannypack full of lead -- my attempt to travel simple and light. 

Well, I am ready to climb out of this hole. I got myself sunk in just deep enough and long enough, and now I'm climbing out. I have a deeper sense of self-acceptance for not being perfect. I don't feel like I need to put up a nice and bubbly front. I'm getting more and more real and fine with it. I'm tired of running, of cheerleding, of putting up a social mask for the outside. What's the point of being accepted for being fake? Who the hell needs that acceptance? I've got a group of friends-like-family who accept me as is, and being around them being real has taken such a weight off! We have just tossed those "rules of who to be and how to act" out the window and gotten down the nitty gritty of life together. It's refreshing. So, I feel nourished. Sometimes my nourishment is Naked Juice Green Machine, and sometimes it's a never-empty bowl of Dreyers Rocky Road. That's metaphoric, since I actually didn't turn to ice-cream this time (although, my jeans fit like I did! Lol). 

I love the deconstructing. I love what I discover when I uncover. I love how I pull in and get simple and find out what my true prioreties are. And I love rebuilding again :) I am feeling the rejuvenation, and I am feeling reinspired -- both magical in their own right, both full of nourishment and hope. 

I find myself wondering... Is the problem that I sink deep during these winter months, or that I carry the message that there is something wrong with doing it? I think that formula often and question lots of stuff, even progressive stuff (! Gasp! Lol) -- is _____ the problem, or is the real problem that I think it's a problem? A juicy little morsel to chew on, like a cow with it's cud -- it takes time, and you might try to swallow it, but bring it back up and chew a bit more. Even more good stuff -- eventually, it will be internalized.