Epic Fail

(written in early December)

I love the story of the time I gave up my free townhouse and sold everything I own, to free roam.... north San Diego county?

Mwahahahahaha.

I have decided to get real with the fact that this mission, since I chose to accept it, was an epic fail. I hear that term a lot, like when my daughter draws 2 eyes too close together and ruins her whole picture, or when her friend sings an misses a note. But none of that is a great of magnitude as this giant leap I took that lost it's air as soon as my toes touched the ground.

Before anyone feels the need to remind me that there is no failure, or this is just the beginning of something new, let me assure you that I'm there, I get it. That's an easy story for me. I have resisted "failure" and being wrong for so long, that it feels so refreshing right now to turn and face this shadow and open my arms wide to embrace it. I'm not afraid of it. It's not chasing me anymore. I can laugh - there's no fear involved in it.

My mission, as I chose to accept it, was to free roam the country, to see great landscapes out my windshield, to meet my Tribe scattered everywhere, to experience a bucket list. I took a HUGE leap of faith, I experienced SO much to prepare myself for this, and I flopped. I couldn't manifest it. I raced out of my house to play homeless in my own neighborhood. I got scared. I choked. I ended up with a broken down RV and a put-put-put actualization of adventure. I got reaquainted with the ocean and met some pirates and didn't want to leave. I wanted to cry when I thought of leaving my loving friends and my brother ♥

Our nomadic lifestyle became a year trip, which became a 6-month trip, which became 3 months, which became the option to take the trip without my oldest or stay local. I can't travel without my roaddog. Not even an option. So here we are.

It got cold fast once we were out of the house. I'm hoping that Spring brings new birth to this dream, in some incarnate or another :) Right now, I want to climb into my cave and hybernate.

This has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. It has almost broke me down more than once. I have had to try real hard to gleam the positive from it -- I'm so proud of myself for my ability to. I have experienced things I never would have chosen for myself and my children, like the time we ran out of gas in a parking lot, broke, and got stuck there all day without our groceries which were in the RV, so I went to the surrounding food places and begged for free food for my kids. Subway was more generous than Wendy's and more kind. Or the time I drove to 8 different stores to beg for free diapers for Najaia and got turned away 8 times, sometimes not so warm-heartedly. Or the fact that we spent Thanksgiving in a restaurant with people who lived on the streets. This adventure HAS broken me - it's broken me down more times than I can count. Before this last weekend, I took about a half a dozen showers in 2 months.

This adventure hasn't been pretty -- it's been hard work that doesn't seem to matter (the RV), difficult emotionally and mentally. It has been me controlling my kids more than ever and losing my temper from the stress. I have had CPS called on me by my own family member, and the police called to check on the welfare of my kids twice by complete strangers.

I've been more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life.

Is it too late to take back welcoming the unexpected in our adventure? Is it too late to take back welcoming opportunities to get real with the issues that are barriers in my life: namely, finances, friendships, and class.

I have gone to places that cater to homeless people to ask for help with things and realized I felt like I had to feel badly about our situation to ask for help from them, like I was afraid they wouldn't want to help us unless we felt downtrodden and desperate. It gives me some SERIOUS food for thought about my feelings surrounding asking for help and support and such.

I have felt tired of doing everything alone. I'm about sick of being a single parent right now. Wish me luck finding someone who will understand our greatness and excitedly dive in :D

I remember a friend of mine explaining how she loved reading fulltime family blogs, because it seemed folks who lived on the road were so honest, so raw. That is SO true. I guess that when you find yourself talking about poop hoses on a regular basis and cherishing water like it's gold and living life in the raw, you get real really fast.

What I love most about this blog post is that there is no judgment, no tears (anymore) over these situations or the giant epic fail in general. I am laughing as I write. I know that what is most important is that I am still dancing. Even whilst singing to the tune of my epic fail (the biggest anticlimax of my life, which is saying a lot, considering the fact that whilst shooting for a Ph.D., I am sitting on my BA and almost 50 grand in student loans), I'm dancing a jig as if I just scored a touch down! LOL I'm so weird hahaha.

I am sharing this post, regardless of the fact that I want to delete about half of it before publishing, because I want to give this giant failure of a dream manifested a big hug and a pat on the back and say, "You are SO awesome! You dived for your dreams, and when you fell to the ground, you got up laughing and didn't regret or decide to go back."

No, I may have failed at manifesting my "free roam the country as a lifestyle" dream, but I'm not getting back into a house! I almost thought that was what I needed to do, like "well, since that plan failed, I guess I need to..." No way.

I was feeling more lost than usual this past weekend (which is saying a lot, because I have felt lost a lot recently). I had no CLUE which direction I wanted to head. I thought I was going to need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, put my kids in daycare, get a j.o.b., start paying my creditors, and lay down some roots in a lease-locked box attached to the earth. I was so desperate for some advice that I called my mother... luckily, I got her voicemail. I ended up talking with my son's dad. I just KNEW he was going to provide the fresh insight I needed, that he was going to be able to regurgitate the dreamspiration I have been filling him with since we met so many years ago. Since I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, it should be safe to say that I spent the first 95% of the phone call wondering why I had felt compelled to talk to HIM, scared I was more lost than I even imagined, and realizing REALLY quickly that although I didn't know what I DID want, I was pretty clear on what I didn't. Then he said it... He told me about when he was almost ready to cave in to pressure from his family to cut his dreads off so he could find a j.o.b. easier, and he had talked with another Dread, who told him something along the lines of, "When something is wrong, they always want you to cut yourself, as if that will make it all better. Then you can be like them. Don't cut your dreads, Man." And then the other 2% of the conversation he shared a quote by KRS-1. The part that stood out to me went something like, "Repeat your winning formula for success." What has made me feel successful in the past? Certainly not conforming, working a j.o.b. to pay creditors. Haha, then I found this quote:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." - Ellen Goodman

Yeah, I'm not getting a j.o.b. I'm not cutting my dreads (what makes me me). My winning formula for success has been chasing dreams, and I'm gonna was, rinse, and repeat ;)

Last night I read this quote: "If at first you don't succeed, redefine your purpose."