Liberation, Stretch, Comfort, De-attach
When I look back on list of the themes of my last few years, I see how it looks like a fluid evolving of life and spirit. It didn't feel like it though. More like a deep and heavy submersion into growth of the unknown and just when I am about to drown or break, I scramble to the top to gulp the fresh crisp air of clarity and then dive down in a totally different direction for a new phase of experience. In the great walk of life, now I see the seamless evolution.
Liberation was when I cleared a huge space in my life, called "a relationship that I had gotten my fill from and was no longer working for us". When we walked in seperate directions, I did not feel like a woman scorned, I felt like a woman liberated! A big giant space in my life was cleared and healthy (because that beautiful relationship healed me and taught me in ways I never could have done alone ♥), and now I could go wild in my new-found freedom :)
And I did -- hence the stretch. The slow unfolding of understanding learning in a new paradigm. The stretch of self-trust through preparing for and experiencing my freebirth. The ferrel re-growth and awesome stretch of radical unschooling and consensual living and respectful connected parenting.
Then, in exhaustion from all the stretching and growing (OMG! Did I stretch and grow), I settled into comfort, like sinking into my favorite old worn couch, for a long winter's night with a mug of hot chocolate and my favorite music playing in the background.
And in that comfort, I realized there was no real comfort in drowing in stuff and over-responsibility, and that I had my fill of newly acquired agoraphobia. I released my attachment to a house (or a "lease-locked box on land that wasn't MINE"), a lifetime-acquired house full of stuff I loved and hated and often both simultaneously. Then I stepped into adventure and wound up releasing my attachment to control. Not done yet -- thick in the deconstruction and healing, I followed my calling to wear my deep inner cleansing outside by releasing my attachment to my hair and my long-constructed notion of my beauty. And now, I feel like a radiant monk ripe with readiness for the next powerful step in my life-healing journey: rightness.
Armed with the tools to enable myself to feel liberation, to stretch wildly, to find deep dark healing comfort, and dettach from what's no longer working, I am preparing for a journey to reflect, explore, and right the breadth and depths of things in my life that feel amiss. I have my work cut out for me. I'm going to be the chiropractor of my life and get myself aligned. And through this, I am going to grow (with my hair) in intention, so that when I step into my power (no doubt, my next step), I will not fear what will be magnified, what will explode from me, and where it will reach and take me. Thhis is the step I right the wrongs, seal the deal on peace with my past, and let go of the things that don't feel right to me in every area of me and my life. I am so grateful for this foundation I stand upon to do this -- I feel like I have the advantage and the warrior skills to defeat my foes... Wait, that's not right ;) I am a chiropractor, not a seasoned Amazon warrior LOL I've been reading too many historical romance novels these days :))
I am ready to step into rightness with my body, in parenting, in relationships, with money, with my future career goals, and so much I can't even see yet from my view of the valley outside my window. Yes, this is going to be an easy walk -- not those mountains I have beared through climbing in my past. This is just an adjustment into rightness.
This Amazon warrior monk gypsy goddess earthmama extraordinaire has bit more prep to do before I am ready to start this newest journey, including (are you ready for this?) a new name -- I know, you are so surprised ;) More on that later :)) I need to sit on it a bit more, feel it's rightness first :)
Another shocker -- my blog is getting a new name, too. This one is already determined. I'm just waiting to purchase the domain name before I share it with the world.
2012, I am SO effing ready for you!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Epic Success
(Written early December)
No matter how much I want to embrace the fact that this nomadic-dream-in-action was a classic "epic fail", I can't deny the success of my adventure. We may have logged few miles on our journey, but the living and learning was immence. I could provide you with a grocery list of experiences (and I still may), but the biggest success (I am learning as I read my journals from the 2 years before we set sail) is just the fact that I did it. Even now, in our broken down state, I am so happy we are here than the heavy mess of a life we had before. I was drowning in stuff -- I remember (as if every journal entry for 2 years crying about that very fact wasn't vivid enough to recall the hopelessness I felt). I am so immensely freakin happy about how much STUFF we have right now. You can only begin to imagine the implications of what I just said... unless you were pressent for the prcoessing of said stuff out of my life, or if you have done a similar journey of selling 98% of everything you own to live so incredibly simply -- radical minimalists got nothin on me :)
I know, I know, I hear those folks talking, too, about how the external doesn't matter -- it's all the internal. Bah! Maybe that is true for them, but it wasn't true for me. I was drowning in responsibility and attachment, and releasing all that stuff from my life opened up space to spend my time and energy in ways that I wanted to. Changing the external absolutely healed the internal.
My other greatest success in this experience? Laughing at my epic fail. This truly was a fail of the most epic proportions for me. It has all the ingredients of "epic" and "fail" -- I hyped this up so huge in my life, knew it was to be my crowning achievement in life and fell flat on my face. Hahahaha. That is hilarious! I'm glad I am laughing at myself before I hear the more pessimistic loved ones in my life do it first LOL
So, I failed at making a lifestyle out of free roaming the country... I succeeded at so much more.
I met the most amazing people from all walks of life. People who moved us and loved us and supported us, people who I didn't want the conversation to come to end, people who I admired from a distance, people who are like my family, and people who filled me with hope and then flew away ♥
I got out of the house in ways I haven't done for as long as I can remember! Coming from a woman who was borderline agoraphobic, THAT IS SERIOUS SUCCESS! I experienced things I have only dreamed of (like taking my family to ren faire) and things I never expected (meeting pirates and wanting to be one of them!). I walked a jetti that changed my life, and spent some down time reconnecting with the beach and the ocean. I practically lived at the library and stepped outside of my old ways to coax a librarian into liking my wild bunch (rather than just hiding from her or avoiding the library entirely). I parked in a hotel parking lot where I was NOT a guest and comsumed a heavenly deluxe continental breakfast and lounged by their pool for hours afterward (eek! I still can't believe I had the balls to do that!!!). I even kept my cool and found out it wasn't as scary or uncomfortable as I thought when they approached me about my room number LOL I woke up to the ocean out my window, fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing, got a fireworks show out my bedside window. I became familiar with people I never would have approached. I loaned something important to a stranger with the understanding that I may never get it back. I opened up. I healed. I got balanced. I got more in touch with nature than I have ever before. I worshipped the sun (without forgetting the moon). I lost things I thought I would crumble without... and barely blinked. I came face-to-face with my weakenesses. I let shyt flow. I lived. I was alive.
I dreamed new dreams. Dreams of a Goddess Guild at the local ren faire. Dreams of pirate days with unschooling groups, and belly dancing classes for all ages and body types. Dreams of a winter cabin in the mountains as a cave with a little community of gardeners and animal-lovers we call home. Dreams of living the uber-light life of van & tent set-up -- the best of both worlds: light & easy and spacious & ours.
That list is short because the "experience" list was so so long, and still not complete :)
I broke down more times than I can count, literally and *just* emotionally, and I got back up and started dancing.
I stepped into the flow and didn't get burned alive.
I'm okay right now. I got through the hardest part. I'm on the other side, feeling a lot of the same things I did after my unassisted birth: the dichotemy of "I can't believe I did that" and "Of course, I did!", the dichotemy of "I f*cking ROCK!" and "That was just life, nothing special", the dichotemy between "That was NOTHING like I expected" and "That was exactly what I knew it would be", the dichotemy of "That was an epic fail" and "That was an epic success" :)) The truth, as is often true in life, is both extremes and anywhere in between, depending on the moment and the context :)
I guess this is an epic success because I am happier and more content today than I was a year ago, because I am still joyfully living regardless, because I feel stronger than ever before, and mostly because this isn't the end -- I still have a giant empty canvas waiting for me to paint my new dreams upon.
No matter how much I want to embrace the fact that this nomadic-dream-in-action was a classic "epic fail", I can't deny the success of my adventure. We may have logged few miles on our journey, but the living and learning was immence. I could provide you with a grocery list of experiences (and I still may), but the biggest success (I am learning as I read my journals from the 2 years before we set sail) is just the fact that I did it. Even now, in our broken down state, I am so happy we are here than the heavy mess of a life we had before. I was drowning in stuff -- I remember (as if every journal entry for 2 years crying about that very fact wasn't vivid enough to recall the hopelessness I felt). I am so immensely freakin happy about how much STUFF we have right now. You can only begin to imagine the implications of what I just said... unless you were pressent for the prcoessing of said stuff out of my life, or if you have done a similar journey of selling 98% of everything you own to live so incredibly simply -- radical minimalists got nothin on me :)
I know, I know, I hear those folks talking, too, about how the external doesn't matter -- it's all the internal. Bah! Maybe that is true for them, but it wasn't true for me. I was drowning in responsibility and attachment, and releasing all that stuff from my life opened up space to spend my time and energy in ways that I wanted to. Changing the external absolutely healed the internal.
My other greatest success in this experience? Laughing at my epic fail. This truly was a fail of the most epic proportions for me. It has all the ingredients of "epic" and "fail" -- I hyped this up so huge in my life, knew it was to be my crowning achievement in life and fell flat on my face. Hahahaha. That is hilarious! I'm glad I am laughing at myself before I hear the more pessimistic loved ones in my life do it first LOL
So, I failed at making a lifestyle out of free roaming the country... I succeeded at so much more.
I met the most amazing people from all walks of life. People who moved us and loved us and supported us, people who I didn't want the conversation to come to end, people who I admired from a distance, people who are like my family, and people who filled me with hope and then flew away ♥
I got out of the house in ways I haven't done for as long as I can remember! Coming from a woman who was borderline agoraphobic, THAT IS SERIOUS SUCCESS! I experienced things I have only dreamed of (like taking my family to ren faire) and things I never expected (meeting pirates and wanting to be one of them!). I walked a jetti that changed my life, and spent some down time reconnecting with the beach and the ocean. I practically lived at the library and stepped outside of my old ways to coax a librarian into liking my wild bunch (rather than just hiding from her or avoiding the library entirely). I parked in a hotel parking lot where I was NOT a guest and comsumed a heavenly deluxe continental breakfast and lounged by their pool for hours afterward (eek! I still can't believe I had the balls to do that!!!). I even kept my cool and found out it wasn't as scary or uncomfortable as I thought when they approached me about my room number LOL I woke up to the ocean out my window, fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing, got a fireworks show out my bedside window. I became familiar with people I never would have approached. I loaned something important to a stranger with the understanding that I may never get it back. I opened up. I healed. I got balanced. I got more in touch with nature than I have ever before. I worshipped the sun (without forgetting the moon). I lost things I thought I would crumble without... and barely blinked. I came face-to-face with my weakenesses. I let shyt flow. I lived. I was alive.
I dreamed new dreams. Dreams of a Goddess Guild at the local ren faire. Dreams of pirate days with unschooling groups, and belly dancing classes for all ages and body types. Dreams of a winter cabin in the mountains as a cave with a little community of gardeners and animal-lovers we call home. Dreams of living the uber-light life of van & tent set-up -- the best of both worlds: light & easy and spacious & ours.
That list is short because the "experience" list was so so long, and still not complete :)
I broke down more times than I can count, literally and *just* emotionally, and I got back up and started dancing.
I stepped into the flow and didn't get burned alive.
I'm okay right now. I got through the hardest part. I'm on the other side, feeling a lot of the same things I did after my unassisted birth: the dichotemy of "I can't believe I did that" and "Of course, I did!", the dichotemy of "I f*cking ROCK!" and "That was just life, nothing special", the dichotemy between "That was NOTHING like I expected" and "That was exactly what I knew it would be", the dichotemy of "That was an epic fail" and "That was an epic success" :)) The truth, as is often true in life, is both extremes and anywhere in between, depending on the moment and the context :)
I guess this is an epic success because I am happier and more content today than I was a year ago, because I am still joyfully living regardless, because I feel stronger than ever before, and mostly because this isn't the end -- I still have a giant empty canvas waiting for me to paint my new dreams upon.
Epic Fail
(written in early December)
I love the story of the time I gave up my free townhouse and sold everything I own, to free roam.... north San Diego county?
Mwahahahahaha.
I have decided to get real with the fact that this mission, since I chose to accept it, was an epic fail. I hear that term a lot, like when my daughter draws 2 eyes too close together and ruins her whole picture, or when her friend sings an misses a note. But none of that is a great of magnitude as this giant leap I took that lost it's air as soon as my toes touched the ground.
Before anyone feels the need to remind me that there is no failure, or this is just the beginning of something new, let me assure you that I'm there, I get it. That's an easy story for me. I have resisted "failure" and being wrong for so long, that it feels so refreshing right now to turn and face this shadow and open my arms wide to embrace it. I'm not afraid of it. It's not chasing me anymore. I can laugh - there's no fear involved in it.
My mission, as I chose to accept it, was to free roam the country, to see great landscapes out my windshield, to meet my Tribe scattered everywhere, to experience a bucket list. I took a HUGE leap of faith, I experienced SO much to prepare myself for this, and I flopped. I couldn't manifest it. I raced out of my house to play homeless in my own neighborhood. I got scared. I choked. I ended up with a broken down RV and a put-put-put actualization of adventure. I got reaquainted with the ocean and met some pirates and didn't want to leave. I wanted to cry when I thought of leaving my loving friends and my brother ♥
Our nomadic lifestyle became a year trip, which became a 6-month trip, which became 3 months, which became the option to take the trip without my oldest or stay local. I can't travel without my roaddog. Not even an option. So here we are.
It got cold fast once we were out of the house. I'm hoping that Spring brings new birth to this dream, in some incarnate or another :) Right now, I want to climb into my cave and hybernate.
This has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. It has almost broke me down more than once. I have had to try real hard to gleam the positive from it -- I'm so proud of myself for my ability to. I have experienced things I never would have chosen for myself and my children, like the time we ran out of gas in a parking lot, broke, and got stuck there all day without our groceries which were in the RV, so I went to the surrounding food places and begged for free food for my kids. Subway was more generous than Wendy's and more kind. Or the time I drove to 8 different stores to beg for free diapers for Najaia and got turned away 8 times, sometimes not so warm-heartedly. Or the fact that we spent Thanksgiving in a restaurant with people who lived on the streets. This adventure HAS broken me - it's broken me down more times than I can count. Before this last weekend, I took about a half a dozen showers in 2 months.
This adventure hasn't been pretty -- it's been hard work that doesn't seem to matter (the RV), difficult emotionally and mentally. It has been me controlling my kids more than ever and losing my temper from the stress. I have had CPS called on me by my own family member, and the police called to check on the welfare of my kids twice by complete strangers.
I've been more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life.
Is it too late to take back welcoming the unexpected in our adventure? Is it too late to take back welcoming opportunities to get real with the issues that are barriers in my life: namely, finances, friendships, and class.
I have gone to places that cater to homeless people to ask for help with things and realized I felt like I had to feel badly about our situation to ask for help from them, like I was afraid they wouldn't want to help us unless we felt downtrodden and desperate. It gives me some SERIOUS food for thought about my feelings surrounding asking for help and support and such.
I have felt tired of doing everything alone. I'm about sick of being a single parent right now. Wish me luck finding someone who will understand our greatness and excitedly dive in :D
I remember a friend of mine explaining how she loved reading fulltime family blogs, because it seemed folks who lived on the road were so honest, so raw. That is SO true. I guess that when you find yourself talking about poop hoses on a regular basis and cherishing water like it's gold and living life in the raw, you get real really fast.
What I love most about this blog post is that there is no judgment, no tears (anymore) over these situations or the giant epic fail in general. I am laughing as I write. I know that what is most important is that I am still dancing. Even whilst singing to the tune of my epic fail (the biggest anticlimax of my life, which is saying a lot, considering the fact that whilst shooting for a Ph.D., I am sitting on my BA and almost 50 grand in student loans), I'm dancing a jig as if I just scored a touch down! LOL I'm so weird hahaha.
I am sharing this post, regardless of the fact that I want to delete about half of it before publishing, because I want to give this giant failure of a dream manifested a big hug and a pat on the back and say, "You are SO awesome! You dived for your dreams, and when you fell to the ground, you got up laughing and didn't regret or decide to go back."
No, I may have failed at manifesting my "free roam the country as a lifestyle" dream, but I'm not getting back into a house! I almost thought that was what I needed to do, like "well, since that plan failed, I guess I need to..." No way.
I was feeling more lost than usual this past weekend (which is saying a lot, because I have felt lost a lot recently). I had no CLUE which direction I wanted to head. I thought I was going to need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, put my kids in daycare, get a j.o.b., start paying my creditors, and lay down some roots in a lease-locked box attached to the earth. I was so desperate for some advice that I called my mother... luckily, I got her voicemail. I ended up talking with my son's dad. I just KNEW he was going to provide the fresh insight I needed, that he was going to be able to regurgitate the dreamspiration I have been filling him with since we met so many years ago. Since I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, it should be safe to say that I spent the first 95% of the phone call wondering why I had felt compelled to talk to HIM, scared I was more lost than I even imagined, and realizing REALLY quickly that although I didn't know what I DID want, I was pretty clear on what I didn't. Then he said it... He told me about when he was almost ready to cave in to pressure from his family to cut his dreads off so he could find a j.o.b. easier, and he had talked with another Dread, who told him something along the lines of, "When something is wrong, they always want you to cut yourself, as if that will make it all better. Then you can be like them. Don't cut your dreads, Man." And then the other 2% of the conversation he shared a quote by KRS-1. The part that stood out to me went something like, "Repeat your winning formula for success." What has made me feel successful in the past? Certainly not conforming, working a j.o.b. to pay creditors. Haha, then I found this quote:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." - Ellen Goodman
Yeah, I'm not getting a j.o.b. I'm not cutting my dreads (what makes me me). My winning formula for success has been chasing dreams, and I'm gonna was, rinse, and repeat ;)
Last night I read this quote: "If at first you don't succeed, redefine your purpose."
I love the story of the time I gave up my free townhouse and sold everything I own, to free roam.... north San Diego county?
Mwahahahahaha.
I have decided to get real with the fact that this mission, since I chose to accept it, was an epic fail. I hear that term a lot, like when my daughter draws 2 eyes too close together and ruins her whole picture, or when her friend sings an misses a note. But none of that is a great of magnitude as this giant leap I took that lost it's air as soon as my toes touched the ground.
Before anyone feels the need to remind me that there is no failure, or this is just the beginning of something new, let me assure you that I'm there, I get it. That's an easy story for me. I have resisted "failure" and being wrong for so long, that it feels so refreshing right now to turn and face this shadow and open my arms wide to embrace it. I'm not afraid of it. It's not chasing me anymore. I can laugh - there's no fear involved in it.
My mission, as I chose to accept it, was to free roam the country, to see great landscapes out my windshield, to meet my Tribe scattered everywhere, to experience a bucket list. I took a HUGE leap of faith, I experienced SO much to prepare myself for this, and I flopped. I couldn't manifest it. I raced out of my house to play homeless in my own neighborhood. I got scared. I choked. I ended up with a broken down RV and a put-put-put actualization of adventure. I got reaquainted with the ocean and met some pirates and didn't want to leave. I wanted to cry when I thought of leaving my loving friends and my brother ♥
Our nomadic lifestyle became a year trip, which became a 6-month trip, which became 3 months, which became the option to take the trip without my oldest or stay local. I can't travel without my roaddog. Not even an option. So here we are.
It got cold fast once we were out of the house. I'm hoping that Spring brings new birth to this dream, in some incarnate or another :) Right now, I want to climb into my cave and hybernate.
This has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. It has almost broke me down more than once. I have had to try real hard to gleam the positive from it -- I'm so proud of myself for my ability to. I have experienced things I never would have chosen for myself and my children, like the time we ran out of gas in a parking lot, broke, and got stuck there all day without our groceries which were in the RV, so I went to the surrounding food places and begged for free food for my kids. Subway was more generous than Wendy's and more kind. Or the time I drove to 8 different stores to beg for free diapers for Najaia and got turned away 8 times, sometimes not so warm-heartedly. Or the fact that we spent Thanksgiving in a restaurant with people who lived on the streets. This adventure HAS broken me - it's broken me down more times than I can count. Before this last weekend, I took about a half a dozen showers in 2 months.
This adventure hasn't been pretty -- it's been hard work that doesn't seem to matter (the RV), difficult emotionally and mentally. It has been me controlling my kids more than ever and losing my temper from the stress. I have had CPS called on me by my own family member, and the police called to check on the welfare of my kids twice by complete strangers.
I've been more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life.
Is it too late to take back welcoming the unexpected in our adventure? Is it too late to take back welcoming opportunities to get real with the issues that are barriers in my life: namely, finances, friendships, and class.
I have gone to places that cater to homeless people to ask for help with things and realized I felt like I had to feel badly about our situation to ask for help from them, like I was afraid they wouldn't want to help us unless we felt downtrodden and desperate. It gives me some SERIOUS food for thought about my feelings surrounding asking for help and support and such.
I have felt tired of doing everything alone. I'm about sick of being a single parent right now. Wish me luck finding someone who will understand our greatness and excitedly dive in :D
I remember a friend of mine explaining how she loved reading fulltime family blogs, because it seemed folks who lived on the road were so honest, so raw. That is SO true. I guess that when you find yourself talking about poop hoses on a regular basis and cherishing water like it's gold and living life in the raw, you get real really fast.
What I love most about this blog post is that there is no judgment, no tears (anymore) over these situations or the giant epic fail in general. I am laughing as I write. I know that what is most important is that I am still dancing. Even whilst singing to the tune of my epic fail (the biggest anticlimax of my life, which is saying a lot, considering the fact that whilst shooting for a Ph.D., I am sitting on my BA and almost 50 grand in student loans), I'm dancing a jig as if I just scored a touch down! LOL I'm so weird hahaha.
I am sharing this post, regardless of the fact that I want to delete about half of it before publishing, because I want to give this giant failure of a dream manifested a big hug and a pat on the back and say, "You are SO awesome! You dived for your dreams, and when you fell to the ground, you got up laughing and didn't regret or decide to go back."
No, I may have failed at manifesting my "free roam the country as a lifestyle" dream, but I'm not getting back into a house! I almost thought that was what I needed to do, like "well, since that plan failed, I guess I need to..." No way.
I was feeling more lost than usual this past weekend (which is saying a lot, because I have felt lost a lot recently). I had no CLUE which direction I wanted to head. I thought I was going to need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, put my kids in daycare, get a j.o.b., start paying my creditors, and lay down some roots in a lease-locked box attached to the earth. I was so desperate for some advice that I called my mother... luckily, I got her voicemail. I ended up talking with my son's dad. I just KNEW he was going to provide the fresh insight I needed, that he was going to be able to regurgitate the dreamspiration I have been filling him with since we met so many years ago. Since I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, it should be safe to say that I spent the first 95% of the phone call wondering why I had felt compelled to talk to HIM, scared I was more lost than I even imagined, and realizing REALLY quickly that although I didn't know what I DID want, I was pretty clear on what I didn't. Then he said it... He told me about when he was almost ready to cave in to pressure from his family to cut his dreads off so he could find a j.o.b. easier, and he had talked with another Dread, who told him something along the lines of, "When something is wrong, they always want you to cut yourself, as if that will make it all better. Then you can be like them. Don't cut your dreads, Man." And then the other 2% of the conversation he shared a quote by KRS-1. The part that stood out to me went something like, "Repeat your winning formula for success." What has made me feel successful in the past? Certainly not conforming, working a j.o.b. to pay creditors. Haha, then I found this quote:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." - Ellen Goodman
Yeah, I'm not getting a j.o.b. I'm not cutting my dreads (what makes me me). My winning formula for success has been chasing dreams, and I'm gonna was, rinse, and repeat ;)
Last night I read this quote: "If at first you don't succeed, redefine your purpose."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
This is Our Life
The novelty is wearing off. And we are still in love :))) Sorry to annihilate a suspenseful post -- I'm just so excited to share LOL
I feel like we are going through the throes of life, and I keep checking in to see if we need to make some big changes (like give up our big dreams of a roadventure and settle back into a house), and I keep coming up with "This is still perfect".
A house isn't going to save us from the funk :) And even if it would be nice to sit or lay somewhere for a whole day or more, a house isn't the "big picture cure", so we find a place to sit or lay for as long as possible (which has been the library for us for the last 2 days -- from open to close). I have gone inside on retreat. I opened up Netflix on my laptop for Noble, and he watched for 2 days straight (minus sleeping and hardcore park play the mornings before the library opened up). And I read. I finished 3 partially-read books the first day (I haven't finished 3 books over the last 3 YEARS, so that was quite an accomplishment), and the next day I read a couple magazines put out for counselors, which helped me get through my block to being a guru.
I feel rejuvinated and ready for my next step in life. I have so many ideas that revolve around travel. Eek! I am thinking about putting on free workshops in various community centers across the country about living big dreams. Oooh, Living Big Dreams -- I LOVE that name!
I really want to live my calling. I have been thinking so much about that recently. I have been wondering what my Message is, how it is similar and how it is different from other messages that are close to me. I have been in creative mode -- thinking of a million ways to create in various areas of my life.
If I were a goddess (and I am, ask Goddess Leonie), what would I be the goddess of? Ooooooh, how do I narrow it down to just one thing? LOL Self Truth? Self Design? Enthusiastic Living? Actualizing Big Dreams? Ooooh, so much deliciousness :)) Still need to find the most core-est (LMAO) connection between the 2, because THAT is it, I think :)) Every venture in my life has come from that place, and what an adventure it has been! LOL
According to Heather Madder, our whole life is created and meant to hone, challenge, and experience our life message. What has my whole life revolved around? Self, definitely.... Being true to myself. Grasping for big dreams and making them happen. Learning to Trust my Truth and mywholeself. Taking off my blinders and following the callings inside me for new direction. Shaking off old bits and growing up to the sky. Letting go and allowing in the seasons life experiences. Living more NATUREly. Ditching my shackles and dancing a life of free.
I'm seeing that theme again...
I know this can't just be my message. I know I am not the only naturally-carefree-spirited child who grew up to be reserved and afraid. I know connecting with fellow Sunshine People will help us all BURST out of the thick heavy clouds that we carry around us to keep our sun rays inside, safe.
I think there is a reason that my enthusiasm is contageous for people -- it is my calling, and a part of my message.
I think I just found that connection between Self and Truth and Dreams.... My Dreams and my Self are One, and this is Truth. Hmmmm, gonna sit with that for a while today and see if it is the core-est Truth of my message.
Free self and dreams. Ooooh, I like it :)) Gonna take it and run :))
I feel like we are going through the throes of life, and I keep checking in to see if we need to make some big changes (like give up our big dreams of a roadventure and settle back into a house), and I keep coming up with "This is still perfect".
A house isn't going to save us from the funk :) And even if it would be nice to sit or lay somewhere for a whole day or more, a house isn't the "big picture cure", so we find a place to sit or lay for as long as possible (which has been the library for us for the last 2 days -- from open to close). I have gone inside on retreat. I opened up Netflix on my laptop for Noble, and he watched for 2 days straight (minus sleeping and hardcore park play the mornings before the library opened up). And I read. I finished 3 partially-read books the first day (I haven't finished 3 books over the last 3 YEARS, so that was quite an accomplishment), and the next day I read a couple magazines put out for counselors, which helped me get through my block to being a guru.
I feel rejuvinated and ready for my next step in life. I have so many ideas that revolve around travel. Eek! I am thinking about putting on free workshops in various community centers across the country about living big dreams. Oooh, Living Big Dreams -- I LOVE that name!
I really want to live my calling. I have been thinking so much about that recently. I have been wondering what my Message is, how it is similar and how it is different from other messages that are close to me. I have been in creative mode -- thinking of a million ways to create in various areas of my life.
If I were a goddess (and I am, ask Goddess Leonie), what would I be the goddess of? Ooooooh, how do I narrow it down to just one thing? LOL Self Truth? Self Design? Enthusiastic Living? Actualizing Big Dreams? Ooooh, so much deliciousness :)) Still need to find the most core-est (LMAO) connection between the 2, because THAT is it, I think :)) Every venture in my life has come from that place, and what an adventure it has been! LOL
According to Heather Madder, our whole life is created and meant to hone, challenge, and experience our life message. What has my whole life revolved around? Self, definitely.... Being true to myself. Grasping for big dreams and making them happen. Learning to Trust my Truth and mywholeself. Taking off my blinders and following the callings inside me for new direction. Shaking off old bits and growing up to the sky. Letting go and allowing in the seasons life experiences. Living more NATUREly. Ditching my shackles and dancing a life of free.
I'm seeing that theme again...
I know this can't just be my message. I know I am not the only naturally-carefree-spirited child who grew up to be reserved and afraid. I know connecting with fellow Sunshine People will help us all BURST out of the thick heavy clouds that we carry around us to keep our sun rays inside, safe.
I think there is a reason that my enthusiasm is contageous for people -- it is my calling, and a part of my message.
I think I just found that connection between Self and Truth and Dreams.... My Dreams and my Self are One, and this is Truth. Hmmmm, gonna sit with that for a while today and see if it is the core-est Truth of my message.
Free self and dreams. Ooooh, I like it :)) Gonna take it and run :))
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| This is like a view of our life... |
Friday, October 28, 2011
Togetherness
Years ago, I left my son's dad and revelled in my singleness. I knew I had some serious "self" to figure out. Although, I never would have admitted it then, the only thing really wrong with our relationship was that I was not at peace within and so could never be at peace with him, nor provide the peace he might be able to reflect in his own healing. We both needed some "self" time. Even though I have been on a Quest of Self for as long as I can remember, that path-splitting was a very important imparting into a serious journey of self. I knew it then, and every step since has been on that path. Self... Knowing myself, loving myself (real true love, pure, unconditional, waves of it washing over to heal me and nourish me), getting my fill of myself until I was so full that I was ready to step outward and be with the world.
Oh, the exquisite path I took.... chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of "acquired stuff" to "serious minimalism", from "licking old wounds" to "letting go and moving on", from "healing" to "wellness", from "reading about" to "experiencing", from "old cycles" to "new life", from "a million prioreties in breadth" to "a few prioreties in depth", from "doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn't working for me" to "self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken - fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls". I'm just a fish - a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender - watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to "see into me", and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of "Self" (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don'tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from "self" to "togetherness", I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn't it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly -- I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively "bad"? It's all good ;) Or maybe it's not "good" either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn't it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it's all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of "the good, the bad, and the ugly". I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more "else"s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties - instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
Oh, the exquisite path I took.... chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of "acquired stuff" to "serious minimalism", from "licking old wounds" to "letting go and moving on", from "healing" to "wellness", from "reading about" to "experiencing", from "old cycles" to "new life", from "a million prioreties in breadth" to "a few prioreties in depth", from "doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn't working for me" to "self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken - fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls". I'm just a fish - a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender - watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to "see into me", and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of "Self" (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
I finally feel ready for relationships in my life.
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don'tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from "self" to "togetherness", I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn't it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly -- I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively "bad"? It's all good ;) Or maybe it's not "good" either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn't it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it's all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of "the good, the bad, and the ugly". I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more "else"s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties - instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Laid to Rest
I posted this picture and caption on Facebook 4 days before. This quilt, the fact that my grandmother made it with her hands, and I was giving it a new life... It has all been very profound to me on this journey. Almost every day I spread it in the grass and lay on it, and the bright colors in contrast to the grass, and the comfort it provides -- they have been one of the highlights of the journey so far.
I posted this picture on Facebook 4 days before my grandmother passed away. I did not know my grandmother very well. I heard she was a firecracker all her life, and I know she had a lot of healing to do, which made her absent most of my life (until I was an adult). I spent very little time with her, and most recently, it was very difficult, as her beginning stages of dementia made what I thought would be an amazing intergenerational experience a sad and frustrating visit. She died thinking I didn't like her. Now it is too late to tell her that she just stirred me in uncomfortable personal ways, places that I wasn't ready to grow yet.
Because I didn't have a lot of memories with her, my first initial reaction was that I have now lost the last of a whole generation in my life. What a big open space that just created.
Because I didn't have a lot of memories with her, I am saddest for the stories that have been silenced and never told. Her stories. Her family's stories, that I will never know now. I am sad for the memories that could have been made.
This has all been laid to rest.
And today, on this quilt, I lay to rest, during the most alive and thriving time of my life. And this quilt, made by the hands of my grandmother, is an integral part of this experience and adventure.
I honor her by living with this quilt.
I honor her by taking the time to stretch and grow in the ways I wasn't ready to before.
Maybe I will do it while laying on her quilt, wrapped in her love, knowing she is still around, if not in the physical. And she is with me to still process all this stuff.
Be in peace, Grandma Sylvia ♥
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| I wish a picture could capture and words describe what this feels like for me: plush green grass to stretch out on and my grandma's handmade quilt liberated from a box to live in nature and participate in memory-making again ♥ |
I posted this picture on Facebook 4 days before my grandmother passed away. I did not know my grandmother very well. I heard she was a firecracker all her life, and I know she had a lot of healing to do, which made her absent most of my life (until I was an adult). I spent very little time with her, and most recently, it was very difficult, as her beginning stages of dementia made what I thought would be an amazing intergenerational experience a sad and frustrating visit. She died thinking I didn't like her. Now it is too late to tell her that she just stirred me in uncomfortable personal ways, places that I wasn't ready to grow yet.
Because I didn't have a lot of memories with her, my first initial reaction was that I have now lost the last of a whole generation in my life. What a big open space that just created.
Because I didn't have a lot of memories with her, I am saddest for the stories that have been silenced and never told. Her stories. Her family's stories, that I will never know now. I am sad for the memories that could have been made.
This has all been laid to rest.
And today, on this quilt, I lay to rest, during the most alive and thriving time of my life. And this quilt, made by the hands of my grandmother, is an integral part of this experience and adventure.
I honor her by living with this quilt.
I honor her by taking the time to stretch and grow in the ways I wasn't ready to before.
Maybe I will do it while laying on her quilt, wrapped in her love, knowing she is still around, if not in the physical. And she is with me to still process all this stuff.
Be in peace, Grandma Sylvia ♥
Monday, October 10, 2011
This Self-Guided Journey
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| Yes, another pic of the road from the driver's seat :) |
I am a radical unschooler to the depths of me. I am proud to be realizing how deeply I have internalized this philosophy that feels so right in my head and in my heart. Maybe that is why I am so easily integrating it? I feel like it and I are the same.
So far, the last few months have been an experience of opening myself up to the raw, to the authentic, to searching for alignment during all of this. I often feel lost and overwhelmed by what I have done. Sometimes, I wonder what the heck I just did. Once or twice I have even asked myself if this was the right thing to do.
Parts of me wants to climb back under the covers and bury myself in familiar comfort. But a bigger part of me has undertaken an adventure, and the deepest depths of my soul reply with a resounding yesssssssssss, when I ask if this was right. (Plus, I can crawl up on a blanket in a park and get the same comfort -- oh, yeah, baby!)
It can be scary, but it is right. Even if I regret that I gave up my free housing to return to someday, even if I am already ready to ditch the RV. I never would be where I am right now if I hadn't experienced what I have so far. I never would have been ready for a house again if I hadn't ditched the house I had and given my all to this path. I always would have wondered about this RV if I hadn't followed the inside of me that said it was right -- it didn't have to be right for forever, but it was right when it was right.
This is a self-guided journey, and I am thankful that I am very attuned with my self. I know what I want, even if I am not always sure how it is going to happen. Sometimes, I get scared when I feel something calling me -- I am not always trusting of myself or my journey, and that is shifting more and more.
I get questioned a lot (who doesn't when they exit the throes of traditional living?). Now that I am internalizing "I am a self-trust master", I feel less inclined to justify myself or even answer questions. Is it my job to calm other's fears about my life (especially when every answer has been covered in depth in my blog LOL)? I think there are no better answers than to just live it and let people see. And people often seem uncomfortable when someone isn't sure about things, so it is just easier to keep living my truth on my path, than express to people that I don't know something but that it is okay. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and this is AMAZING right now! It is meant to be, and it is healing, and it will all be okay.
It is okay. I can comfort people in their anxiety about my path, the way I wish I had been comforted as a child with anxiety... It's okay, and I will be present with you until you feel okay (even if it is just holding a space of "okay" in our relationship).
I am feeling very strongly aligned with my truths these days. Moreso than ever before. I guess when I cleared away all the gunk piled on top of my Truth, my Truth is clearer and more demanding. It's been quite a treat coming out of denial (and I don't mean the river in Egypt) about things. Getting real. And I mean real real. Like "f*ck it if they don't get it" real -- I'm tired of all the busywork. Tara calls this "nailing it". At least, I hope this is it... I'm still in the early learning stages.
This self-guided journey means that it is guided BY me, OF me, FROM me, FOR me. And that may mean that folks see me driving in circles, crying and feeling lost, and appearing to backstep, but it is all forward, and it is all coming from within -- a self-guided journey.
It is Fall, and I am LIVING deconstruction right now, watching things die away from my life, celebrating old leaves drying up and becoming compost for new growth. I am looking forward to hybernating for a while this Winter in retreat, and then rebirthing like a pheonix this Spring. By Summer, I should be rejuvinated and bursting with life! Haha, as if I am not already... hahahahahah
Today has been a chocolate-covered macadamia nut day, with my journal close. I started the day in sweats and boots and a hoodie -- oh yeah, THAT kind of day. Yummy for the insides :))
I am ready to undertake probably one of the biggest parts of this journey: social anxieties. I am ready to heal through relationships, ready to meet my peeps in person and be vulnerable and authentic and invite rejection and acceptance. How F-ing scary! These people I have been loving and sharing with for years, who know the depths of my soul but not how I am actualizing them or not -- will they see me and "catch me" being an imposter? Will they see through me and see that I am just a wanna be, a poser? Will they see inside me, and will they unconditionally accept what they find? Can I?
Even bigger than that, can I be comfortable leaning on them for help? Found a landmine -- I will be back about that later.
Alright, enough babbling about my view of my journey from this spot.
Please, PLEASE share with me about how you exercise being assured of your own self-guided journey.
p.s. - I forgot to mention my whole point, which was that I trust my path, and I am just following it for what it is. I know all the answers I have been searching for are on the journey when I stop resisting.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I Feel It Coming
I am starting to itch. The open road is calling me.
It was a whisper buried beneath this wild ride of a transition. With nothing left to drown it out, it is getting louder and more demanding.
It sounds like the wind, full of promises, whispering sweet everythings into my ear like the swishing in a seashell.
It comes in snapshots before my eyes of open highways with picturesque landscapes, whenever I get into the van and look out my giant front window.
It's a restlessness in the depths of my muscles and my very soul, like it is pulling me toward new horizons by the seat of my pants.
Sometimes, I get wrapped up in my fears and try to quiet the voice -- please wait, I beg. I'm not ready.
Not good enough, I am hearing is it's new reply. It promises healing to all the things that are "keeping me here" -- my oldest child's emotional nourishment, my own "unstuckness", my social anxieties resolved, our financial sustainablity.
Promises of healing. Experiences to stretch. Opportunities to grow.
A long overdue vacation of the spiritual and soulful sort.
........
If I left November 2nd, eastbound, we would be in Florida for the coldest months of the year. When it started to warm up, we could head north. Then we could head west and spend the late summer in Oregon. And then back down here in time for next winter.
A year trip (depth). In the van (simplicity). Connecting with my tribe. Having experiences. Retreating in nature. Growing as a family and as individuals.
This feels right ♥
Look out, World, here we come!
p.s. - yesterday I felt lost and cried a lot. I love the clarity that grows from that <3
It was a whisper buried beneath this wild ride of a transition. With nothing left to drown it out, it is getting louder and more demanding.
It sounds like the wind, full of promises, whispering sweet everythings into my ear like the swishing in a seashell.
It comes in snapshots before my eyes of open highways with picturesque landscapes, whenever I get into the van and look out my giant front window.
It's a restlessness in the depths of my muscles and my very soul, like it is pulling me toward new horizons by the seat of my pants.
Sometimes, I get wrapped up in my fears and try to quiet the voice -- please wait, I beg. I'm not ready.
Not good enough, I am hearing is it's new reply. It promises healing to all the things that are "keeping me here" -- my oldest child's emotional nourishment, my own "unstuckness", my social anxieties resolved, our financial sustainablity.
Promises of healing. Experiences to stretch. Opportunities to grow.
A long overdue vacation of the spiritual and soulful sort.
........
If I left November 2nd, eastbound, we would be in Florida for the coldest months of the year. When it started to warm up, we could head north. Then we could head west and spend the late summer in Oregon. And then back down here in time for next winter.
A year trip (depth). In the van (simplicity). Connecting with my tribe. Having experiences. Retreating in nature. Growing as a family and as individuals.
This feels right ♥
Look out, World, here we come!
p.s. - yesterday I felt lost and cried a lot. I love the clarity that grows from that <3
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Reclaiming My Childhood
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| My view whilst swinging |
People who know me face-to-face may be surprised to know what I have been up to recently. For all my radicalness, I am quite conservative in person -- not because I value it, but because I am still scared to burst out of my shell in front of people. I have been called weird more than once, and I have internalized that there is something wrong with that. Well, that internalization is being evicted :)) Weird, here I come :)))
I used to LOVE being active when I was a child. I did all sorts of physical activities. As I became an adult, I let those things go. Recently, I have become very NOT active. So, I am reclaiming that part of my childhood. I have been up to all manner of my childhood favorites: the glee of swinging every chance I get, racing down slides after my little ones, learning how to ride a Razor scooter, buying myself a pair of rollerblades (!!!!) (from Goodwill, my size, sparkly dark purple -- SO meant for me), running around a grassy park kicking a ball with my kids, trapsing up and down the beach as many times as we just do rather than trying to limit the trips, exploring places where I could fall (like the jetty), going for hikes, racing down to the beach at night to play tirelessly in the glowing water...
I think that wanting to travel with the van as homebase is a sort of revisiting travelling with my mom and brother in our minivan when I was a teenager and life was so simple in the van, and life was more about experiences and less about stuff, when I delighted living from a suitcase, when I stretched and grew in ways I never would have imagined, when I saw landscapes that strummed the heartstrings of my spirit and my soul, when I met people from so many different walks of life and learned to embrace the beauty of diversity.
This time around, I get to appreciate it in ways I couldn't imagine last time.
Last time, I was like a big open cup, just pouring these experiences in without really processing them and digging deeper into the ways that they were impacting me. I love that (the sifting) about being an adult, as much as I love the open rawness of being a kid.
Maybe this is a common part of life? It kind of reminds me of how being a parent is almost like closing a loop about having been parented. It feels like it completes a circle, as I can only imagine watching my child become a parent seals that loop! But I am not a crone, yet, so I am still in mother mode :))
Maybe this adventure is another chapter of finding peace with my past? Btw, even if this is true, the adventure alone is about way more than just that! But while we are on the topic of healing pasts, I can see this filling some empty spots.
Shortly after we settled back down and started growing roots (after moving often and travelling), I never wanted to move/travel like that again. I felt like I had missed out on so much by not staying in one place for a long time. I grew roots -- boy, did I grow roots. I stayed in the same town for 17 years. I was careful to provide the stability I thought was best, for Kassidy -- she went to the same daycare as far back as she remembered, the same school, we lived in the same apartment complex for 6 years.... And then when she was in 3rd grade, a shift happened. She wanted to shake things up a bit, wanted some change, wanted new friends and different experiences. We had to move, and she was THRILLED about it! Then, change just kept happening, and it felt so wonderful.
Finding unschooling was a sort of healing, because it helped explain the form of learning through living we had done while travelling (not formal homeschooling). It probably paved the way to me finding peace with all the unconventionalness and movement of my childhood. I also probably got my fill of growing roots and was ready for something new. Even though I ultimately trust that my kids will figure out their own journey and find peace with whatever decisions I make that may "mess them up" as they get older, I feel more confident that I can avoid those giant pitfalls altogether. Afterall, I can draw off of personal experience, and our parenting/family interaction style is healing along the way, as well.
Closing loops. Reliving my childhood. Reprocessing my childhood.
Good stuff.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
It's All Downhill to the Beach
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| This is so symbolic of our journey |
Once I got over missing the Rocky Mountains, I really loved living so close to the ocean. I can feel it inside me, the pull. I have always loved the idea of the beach, although all that sand that gets in nooks and crannies and is hard to walk on has actually been a barrier to enjoying the beach.
I am a Pisces -- I am water. I am soooooo water. One of the biggest parts about living nomadically is being able to be as changeable as water needs to be.
Once I started selling everything we own, it all just flowed. The whole experience just flowed. We spent a lot of time working on the RV and postponing the adventures that come from living in the RV. But once we got to a point where the RV was done enough, we went to the harbor and stayed there for 4 days. That was when I fell in love with the beach, sand and all. In fact, the sand in nooks and crannies suddenly was a reminder that we were living on the beach, and it was wonderful.
We found peace in the sand, and the walk on the jetty still lingers in my awareness.
I feel so connected to the ocean and to the beach life right now, I can only begin to explain. Where the RV is parked right now is a block away from the beach, and we wake up to the sight of the ocean from our bedroom window. It feels so right to be so close to the beach. We have been staying pretty close to it in our adventures.
The picture above was taken on one of those adventures by the beach. The hill just led right down to the beach, and it seemed somehow symbolic of our life right now, in a way that I wasn't ready to explore just yet... Now I am.
Our life has been downhill to the beach over the last few months -- downhill (the flow of the simplification process) to the beach (I seem to be have been led to the beach and can't leave). The beach, the ocean is so symbolic to me. The ocean has always called me, being the water woman I am, and now I can be with it; the beach has been a barrier that is now "not easy" but brings it's own "life symbolism" that I have been enjoying soaking in.
Living in the RV really is much easier than living in a house. I feel like it is downhill. SO easy. I mean, other than the whole "stuff keeps breaking" bit. I think staying in the van will be even easier. The less distractions from what's important, the better :))
It's all downhill to the beach...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Picking Up the Pieces
I have had a nice little adventure in "deconstruction land", where I realized some deep and powerful barriers in my life. I can't wait to share them with you. I have felt like a mess for a couple days, and now I am picking up the pieces, a bit more mindful than before, a bit more aligned than before, a bit more able to design my life than before.
Tara describes it best... These barriers are like a wall that you keep bumping into. Oh, was I bumping. In fact, they were so deeply a part of my foundation that I couldn't even see them. I am very blessed to be doing some digging deep and Organic Life Coaching with Tara (from The Organic Sister). She was able to catch stuff that I couldn't see. It has been amazing -- not all happy, wonderful stuff. Just A.MAZ.ING. Revelation after revelation. She is so intuitive, and she picks stuff up before I even know it is there, and she really nails it when I am doing something I am not even aware of. She is awesome -- shameless plug for her :))
So, what is this stuff I have been realizing that has been shaking my world, you may ask?
I justify. So so so sososososososososo badly. In fact, once she mentioned it and I started digging, I realized that almost everything I do (outside of just DOING something) is justifying, be it to myself or to others. It is really shaping my awareness in relationships -- some relationships are heavy with me feeling like I need to justify myself, and some I feel so free knowing they believe the best and there is no need. It is helping me pave my path in friendships.
The reason I justify myself is because I am still practicing being a self-trust master. When I look back on how far I have come in self-trust, I see how awesomely far I have come. What I can see that is left is not justifying my crazy ventrues, my callings in life, my wildness. Does a master justify themselves to people who are in doubt? Especially in a "please understand and accept my path because I need your support" kind of way? Heck no! They just go about their life being true to their Truth. Being a self trust master is a form of ninja -- stay deeply centered, avoid attacks, maintain daily. I am working on embodying the affirmation that I am a self-trust master. I can feel it growing from my heart out into my limbs. It feels AMAZING.
I get this serious anxiety around cleanliness and clutter and many more things. I have been trying to unpack it for a couple years. I haven't been able to find the root of it, and then, as I was already below the surface for some other stuff, I tapped into the "anxiety plant" and think I located the root: "when things are dirty, bad things happen". I was punished as a child for dirtiness (mostly by my well-intentioned stepmom), and me being the "pleaser" that I have always been really internalized the lesson. Realizing this made punishment *click* for me. It's not always an intentional punishment, like being grounded... it can be as simple as a look or an exhale of just the right length. I internalized a lot of punishment (anxiety-causing stuff), and I think this accounts for the bulk of my anxiety in life. WHEW! That was helpful!!!
Another is that I realized that I can stop digging deep. This has been an AMAZING realization. It may seem obvious to others, but not for me. I mean, I was digging like a maniac. I just kept digging, not trusting that I was far enough, that this was enough, that I am good now. I didn't trust that I could assess when I am done digging on something -- I thought I was not digging deep enough. Becoming a self-trusting master and realizing the bulk of my anxiety stems more from conditioning than some unbeknowst (sounds like a word to me!) thing I was missing has helped with this.
And lastly, I am getting real with myself and letting go of the denial I am in on stuff. If I am resistant to something, it's because I am in denial about something concerning it. I'm trying to get real with as many of those things as possible. Usually, I am in denial because I try hard to intentionally be different or feel differently. I am going to get real before I try to build on that thing with intention.
........ so.
That crash course update was about as fast as it came to me, too. This has been over the last, like 2 weeks! That is a LOT for 2 weeks.
That is what I love about living on the road (okay, so I haven't left the county yet -- I'm still "on the road"!). Once I got rid of the rug, I had to deal with all the crud I had been hiding under it! That was totally intentional. I am arranging life in such a way that my experiences will facilitate the learning I am wanting in my life, for my life. The road is ruthless -- it doesn't allow you a rug to sweep crap under or space to run and hide from it. The road is more like a magnet, drawing in experiences to help you deal with the crud. Deal with it, or keep having problems.
One last bit to what I have been dealing with is bigger than I have explored yet, and that is my "issues" in social situations. I have had serious social anxieties that are all being thrown up in my face as I am having more and more interactions with people and leaning on friends more than I ever would have wanted to. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of loss, frustration over differences... oh, yeh, baby -- it's all surfacing and demanding processing before I drown.
The other thing that has happened in this adventure so far, that has been way more than I expected, is the wonderfulness of experiences with my children. We are on the move daily. I have been needing this in my life, in my unschool journey. Facebook has become my homeschool portfolio, chocked full of pictures and snippets of what fills our days :)
This adventure has already been way more than I even dreamed of, all over the place.
Tara describes it best... These barriers are like a wall that you keep bumping into. Oh, was I bumping. In fact, they were so deeply a part of my foundation that I couldn't even see them. I am very blessed to be doing some digging deep and Organic Life Coaching with Tara (from The Organic Sister). She was able to catch stuff that I couldn't see. It has been amazing -- not all happy, wonderful stuff. Just A.MAZ.ING. Revelation after revelation. She is so intuitive, and she picks stuff up before I even know it is there, and she really nails it when I am doing something I am not even aware of. She is awesome -- shameless plug for her :))
So, what is this stuff I have been realizing that has been shaking my world, you may ask?
I justify. So so so sososososososososo badly. In fact, once she mentioned it and I started digging, I realized that almost everything I do (outside of just DOING something) is justifying, be it to myself or to others. It is really shaping my awareness in relationships -- some relationships are heavy with me feeling like I need to justify myself, and some I feel so free knowing they believe the best and there is no need. It is helping me pave my path in friendships.
The reason I justify myself is because I am still practicing being a self-trust master. When I look back on how far I have come in self-trust, I see how awesomely far I have come. What I can see that is left is not justifying my crazy ventrues, my callings in life, my wildness. Does a master justify themselves to people who are in doubt? Especially in a "please understand and accept my path because I need your support" kind of way? Heck no! They just go about their life being true to their Truth. Being a self trust master is a form of ninja -- stay deeply centered, avoid attacks, maintain daily. I am working on embodying the affirmation that I am a self-trust master. I can feel it growing from my heart out into my limbs. It feels AMAZING.
I get this serious anxiety around cleanliness and clutter and many more things. I have been trying to unpack it for a couple years. I haven't been able to find the root of it, and then, as I was already below the surface for some other stuff, I tapped into the "anxiety plant" and think I located the root: "when things are dirty, bad things happen". I was punished as a child for dirtiness (mostly by my well-intentioned stepmom), and me being the "pleaser" that I have always been really internalized the lesson. Realizing this made punishment *click* for me. It's not always an intentional punishment, like being grounded... it can be as simple as a look or an exhale of just the right length. I internalized a lot of punishment (anxiety-causing stuff), and I think this accounts for the bulk of my anxiety in life. WHEW! That was helpful!!!
Another is that I realized that I can stop digging deep. This has been an AMAZING realization. It may seem obvious to others, but not for me. I mean, I was digging like a maniac. I just kept digging, not trusting that I was far enough, that this was enough, that I am good now. I didn't trust that I could assess when I am done digging on something -- I thought I was not digging deep enough. Becoming a self-trusting master and realizing the bulk of my anxiety stems more from conditioning than some unbeknowst (sounds like a word to me!) thing I was missing has helped with this.
And lastly, I am getting real with myself and letting go of the denial I am in on stuff. If I am resistant to something, it's because I am in denial about something concerning it. I'm trying to get real with as many of those things as possible. Usually, I am in denial because I try hard to intentionally be different or feel differently. I am going to get real before I try to build on that thing with intention.
........ so.
That crash course update was about as fast as it came to me, too. This has been over the last, like 2 weeks! That is a LOT for 2 weeks.
That is what I love about living on the road (okay, so I haven't left the county yet -- I'm still "on the road"!). Once I got rid of the rug, I had to deal with all the crud I had been hiding under it! That was totally intentional. I am arranging life in such a way that my experiences will facilitate the learning I am wanting in my life, for my life. The road is ruthless -- it doesn't allow you a rug to sweep crap under or space to run and hide from it. The road is more like a magnet, drawing in experiences to help you deal with the crud. Deal with it, or keep having problems.
One last bit to what I have been dealing with is bigger than I have explored yet, and that is my "issues" in social situations. I have had serious social anxieties that are all being thrown up in my face as I am having more and more interactions with people and leaning on friends more than I ever would have wanted to. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of loss, frustration over differences... oh, yeh, baby -- it's all surfacing and demanding processing before I drown.
The other thing that has happened in this adventure so far, that has been way more than I expected, is the wonderfulness of experiences with my children. We are on the move daily. I have been needing this in my life, in my unschool journey. Facebook has become my homeschool portfolio, chocked full of pictures and snippets of what fills our days :)
This adventure has already been way more than I even dreamed of, all over the place.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Vanpacking
Can you believe that after living in the RV for a month and half, I am still feeling like we are living with so much excess, like I haven't whittled away enough, like *stuff* is still getting in the way of experiences, and an RV is too big and too much?
Simpler. Smaller. Easier.
Pluses about the RV
- it has a bathroom
- it is indoors and house-like for rainy days and family/input days
- it has a fridge and kitchen in general
- it's gorgeous on the inside
- gas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- go places 3 times as fast or only spend a third of the gas money
- smaller (easier to maneuver and park)
- only the very most important *stuff* present (allowing for the most experiences)
- more space above the bed (in the RV above the cab is about 2 feet, in the back of the van would be like 3 or 4 feet!)
- we would be invisible -- no one notices a silver minivan
- the van is MUCH more reliable (newer, better condition engine, etc.)
I am looking to have a very specific journey. I don't know the details, but I know it requires dumping the excess shit in my life and getting real. I'm so tired of so much!!!!!!! I am realizing that I used to be agoraphobic and a slight hoarder, and I am realizing just how stopped my life was for so many years. I buried my self under layers of anxiety and stuff, and I am trying to uncover me and get to know me. I need some retreat, some time to have lots of experiences (especially with my children), to find something that is lost.
This is a spiritual quest, a soulful journey. I am looking for something, and I don't know what it is or where exactly it is, but I know it is on this path and I will know when I have it.
I am thinking about taking the van for a trip up the west coast -- just strapping some surfboards and a solar panel to the roof of my van, building a bed frame in the back of it for an uber-comfy bed, piling our stuff under the bed, and hitting the open road. I think I need the simple mobility, the retreat, the ocean, my books and writing supplies, and plenty of space to deconstruct and regrow, the family solitude, the Tribe experiences (meeting some of my Tribe along the way), and room for the unexpected.
Somehow, we will head back down here, especially in time for Thanksgiving in a super cool RV campsite for 2 weeks (blessings from a dear new friend) and decide what we want to do at that point. Do we want to sell the van, sell the RV, travel in the van a bit longer and return to the RV after making our national tour we had planned before, or something else entirely.
I think I really need this trip. I think I really need to do this in the van. I feel absolutely crazy, but not crazy enough. I really want to embrace my crazy and be real.
Buena Vista Park Hike
Today was another day of adventure :)) I love taking off to explore somewhere, not knowing what may be ahead, and with all the time in the world to go as slow as we want to allow for the depth and the unexpected, called learning :)
We started off with some duck feeding and lake poking :)
Then the group pictures...
And a few individual pics that are too perfect to not share :))
After the picture taking session had ended and my cell phone battery was dead, we grabbed the digital camera and started our adventure :))
We found...
Then...
And then we found...
Oh, and THEN...
Then we saw
And then she needed to be carried, so I didn't get any more pics. Another thing I didn't get pics of was when we strayed from the big trail down into a path through the trees. I couldn't help it, my curiosity got the best of me, and I am so glad we did. Even though I ended up walking through a spiderweb and ending up with a spider crawling down my back, it was really an adventure! Off the beaten path, being trailblazers! It brought me immediately back to my youth of playing in canyons and places just like this (maybe the smell of the same kinds of trees played a part in that, too!). It was wonderful to see some beautiful sites and explore some options (for a day when I wasn't in flip-flops) for more adventure.
The wide range of learning really amazed me. Just on that hike, the babies learned math (counting sticks they found, growing in awareness of how time), social studies (having a sense of where we were on a "u" shaped path), science (differentiating between the kinds of birds we saw -- ducks, geese, and another --, picking at plants, talking about different reasons why things were how they were or how they may have gotten that way, observing living things in their natural habitat), motor skills (dancing, running, climbing, writing/drawing, walking), social skills (interacting with fellow hikers and each other, taking turns, helping each other), literacy (we read the signs together that we saw, drew letters in the dirt, and noticed branches that looked like letters), art (drawing in the dirt, recognizing contrasting colors in the plants), and we played the "senses game" where we close our eyes and talk about what we hear, what we smell, what we feel, etc. They got to exercise their imagination muscles with stories about wild animals in the area, and make plans for the future (a couple good picnic areas for future hikes).
Oh yes, this was a fulfilling day, as an unschooling family, as mama in love with her babies, and as a nomad living for experiences that nourish the soul and sweep away the gunk :))
We started off with some duck feeding and lake poking :)
Then the group pictures...
And a few individual pics that are too perfect to not share :))
 |
| Okay, this one is from yesterday, but it was too good to not share right now :)) |
 |
| This was from yesterday, too LOL |
 |
| My darling baby today! |
We found...
 |
| this amazing giant tree! |
 |
| The kids practiced beginning science... |
 |
| ... and I swelled in awe of the sacred feminine in nature ♥ |
 |
| we found a tree with loooooow branches :)) |
 |
| for Jaja to practice crawling on |
And then we found...
 |
| a log bridge :)) |
 |
| where Jaja did a happy dance the first time she crossed it alone :)) |
 |
| and then felt courageous enough to race across it! |
 |
| (so cute while she balances) |
 |
| and Noble walked across it like the crabs we saw at the beach the other day |
 |
| Then Jaja decided to plop down in the dirt on the trail and draw some spirals in the sand (she is SO my baby) |
 |
| Noble had to get in on that :D |
 |
| Practicing his "b"s for Noble :)) |
 |
| we found the most awesome natural climbing structure EVER (so far in this outdoor adventure) |
 |
| and it reinforced a feeling of ability and self-confidence for Noble |
 |
| He is just so proud of himself ♥ |
 |
| and the baby just chugs right along after him :))) |
 |
| a quaint little bridge overlooking some water with sticks -- I mean SNAKES in it (well, Noble swore they were snakes LOL) |
 |
| Jaja needed a better look :)) |
The wide range of learning really amazed me. Just on that hike, the babies learned math (counting sticks they found, growing in awareness of how time), social studies (having a sense of where we were on a "u" shaped path), science (differentiating between the kinds of birds we saw -- ducks, geese, and another --, picking at plants, talking about different reasons why things were how they were or how they may have gotten that way, observing living things in their natural habitat), motor skills (dancing, running, climbing, writing/drawing, walking), social skills (interacting with fellow hikers and each other, taking turns, helping each other), literacy (we read the signs together that we saw, drew letters in the dirt, and noticed branches that looked like letters), art (drawing in the dirt, recognizing contrasting colors in the plants), and we played the "senses game" where we close our eyes and talk about what we hear, what we smell, what we feel, etc. They got to exercise their imagination muscles with stories about wild animals in the area, and make plans for the future (a couple good picnic areas for future hikes).
Oh yes, this was a fulfilling day, as an unschooling family, as mama in love with her babies, and as a nomad living for experiences that nourish the soul and sweep away the gunk :))
Saturday, September 17, 2011
The Path of the Jetty
The kids and I had an adventure yesterday. I have heard people talk about walking labrynths, about how they are symbolic of life. That is how this was for me. It was certainly an opportunity to work through some stuff.
I love that we did it barefoot.
I love that the babies did what they were comfortable with. And I love that that meant Noble did the whole thing himself (leaping from rock to rock saying he was sticking like Spiderman) and that Najaia about 98% of it herself or holding my hand (with her free hand -- the other hand held her treasure, a feather :)), until she got too tired and wanted to be held.
I love that I got to explore my fear of falling -- it's roots possibly from my mom's fear of heights/falling and her fears scaring me, the reality of me actually falling, when/how different spots felt, and how being a big mama confirms my fears (like an added fear that equipment will fail because of my size).
I love that when I was working on overcoming my fear of falling, I had a giant 2-year-old on my side or back to further test/challenge/push my sense of balance.
I loved going so far (almost to the end) and knowing we had done it.
I loved stopping when I knew it was time, not pushing myself to finish or feeling any less accomplished for not going all the way to the end :))
 |
| Our view of the beach from our spot on the jetty :)) |
I loved sitting at the end with my baby (who calls herself Jaja, and so now so do I :)) while she sorted out her frustrations about me not holding her (Kassidy's friend held her) while I was trying to get the perfect picture of Noble leaping from one rock to the other.
That was awesome.
I loved finding my way :))
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| When I see this picture, may I always remember how empowered I felt that day... |
I loved the close-up focus on the path, constantly scanning the rocks to see where my next step would be, and then sometimes stepping back and looking at the bigger picture to find the best path -- such life symbolism!
I love that the waves sometimes landed hard on the rocks and threw a spray up into the air or onto us, and it would distract me, so I would have to stop, enjoy the spray, and then refocus on my internal balance and path.
I love that I was getting better and better at it, and will be even better in the future.
Living and learning in layers on the jetty.
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