Vanpacking

- it's like backpacking, only the van does all the work.

Can you believe that after living in the RV for a month and half, I am still feeling like we are living with so much excess, like I haven't whittled away enough, like *stuff* is still getting in the way of experiences, and an RV is too big and too much?

Simpler. Smaller. Easier.

Pluses about the RV

• it has a bathroom
• it is indoors and house-like for rainy days and family/input days
• it has a fridge and kitchen in general
• it's gorgeous on the inside

Pluses about traveling in the van

• gas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• go places 3 times as fast or only spend a third of the gas money
• smaller (easier to maneuver and park)
• only the very most important *stuff* present (allowing for the most experiences)
• more space above the bed (in the RV above the cab is about 2 feet, in the back of the van would be like 3 or 4 feet!)
• we would be invisible -- no one notices a silver minivan
• the van is MUCH more reliable (newer, better condition engine, etc.)

The RV is feeling heavy to me -- it's so high maintenance. And it's an eye sore on the outside until I can paint it, which feels like it will never get done! I am all about beauty, AND I don't want to get treated worse (classism and all).

I am looking to have a very specific journey. I don't know the details, but I know it requires dumping the excess shit in my life and getting real. I'm so tired of so much!!!!!!! I am realizing that I used to be agoraphobic and a slight hoarder, and I am realizing just how stopped my life was for so many years. I buried my self under layers of anxiety and stuff, and I am trying to uncover me and get to know me. I need some retreat, some time to have lots of experiences (especially with my children), to find something that is lost.

This is a spiritual quest, a soulful journey. I am looking for something, and I don't know what it is or where exactly it is, but I know it is on this path and I will know when I have it.

I am thinking about taking the van for a trip up the west coast -- just strapping some surfboards and a solar panel to the roof of my van, building a bed frame in the back of it for an uber-comfy bed, piling our stuff under the bed, and hitting the open road. I think I need the simple mobility, the retreat, the ocean, my books and writing supplies, and plenty of space to deconstruct and regrow, the family solitude, the Tribe experiences (meeting some of my Tribe along the way), and room for the unexpected.

Somehow, we will head back down here, especially in time for Thanksgiving in a super cool RV campsite for 2 weeks (blessings from a dear new friend) and decide what we want to do at that point. Do we want to sell the van, sell the RV, travel in the van a bit longer and return to the RV after making our national tour we had planned before, or something else entirely.

I think I really need this trip. I think I really need to do this in the van. I feel absolutely crazy, but not crazy enough. I really want to embrace my crazy and be real.