Ready for Retreat

I have been moved a couple times in the last week toward retreat. This happens often when I have been spending far too much time socializing on the Internet (I feel the need to draw back in, process it all, and then grow it outward). No surprise that my feeling drawn toward transformation comes in the midst of this new life I am setting out to live. I have big plans for this transformation, and I need to do some retreating to figure out the details of my innards ♥

In case anyone was interested, this blog post first got me to thinking (thank you, MB, for sharing), and this gathering has moved me beyond words. I feel like that last one is what my soul has been searching for my whole life. Anyone who has visited the spaces I create will know how perfectly aligned this is for me. And I want to healing-sob from the deep depths of me over the perfectness of timing and location...

My current life feels so out of line. I need to get aligned. I don't know how long my retreat will be, but I look forward to me re-emergence ♥

Home is Where the Heart Is

I have been reading a lot of stuff recently on "home". Maybe it is the nomad blogs I follow, maybe it is the Law of Attraction... But it has been a delicious guide to helping me define home for myself, and I wanted to share it with you.

For me, home is literally where my heart is, so wherever my children are together, I am home.

Once that is established, home is inside me.

It is being content with who I am and where I am and what I am and why I am. When I am content, I can be "at home" anywhere.

Home is an opportunity to connect with nature in a "we are one" way, and so I am home at the beach just watching the waves. I am at home sitting in some grass staring at flowers, or up late at night looking up into a blanket of sparkling stars. When I am in nature, I always have the opportunity to be home.

Home, for me, usually revolves around a familiar experience or the memory of a wonderful experience. It might be recognizing a state license plate or stepping into my personalized RV or my child doing his or her usual funny thing in a situation. It's inside jokes and the familiarity of easing into meeting a new interesting person. It's the smell of our clothes in our closet. It's the songs I listen to for different occasions. It's driving into a new city and seeing the sunrise through new building tops. It's catching a glimpse of someone you have met in someone new :))

The logistics of home for me usually require inside comfort, Like feeling secure about the place we are living, like our own family bed, some privacy to hibernate undisturbed when retreat is necessary or to nurse without discretion while we sleep, the freedom to live by our rules and decorate our way, an ease about our daily schedule. These are the things that make places feel like home to me.

Maybe it is because I moved so much growing up, or because I travelled with my mom for those years, but home for me, really can be created almost anywhere I set up camp.

The funny thing about our anticipated adventures is that I am very much a homebody. Living in an RV may be the only way I will get out and see anything! As usual, I am an odd combination of 2 extremes: homebody and nomad, so I am combining the 2 :))

A house is not right for me right now, and an RV feels uch ore inviting and home-like right now.

Living in an RV will suit a part of me that refuses to identify as lazy. Lazy implies a certain "wrongness" or bad choice, doesn't it? I am still searching for a word that adequately aligns with the feeling inside me of having very little demands upon me. I want everything to be within about an arm's reach from me. I want to not have to lose sight of the project that is close to my heart and feels the need to be close in proximity, as I lovingly assist my baby in the bathroom. I want my kids right up on me while they are playing. I love the proximity, the closeness, the comfort of each of us having our own tiny bubble cuddled up with someone else's. I don't have the draw toward seperation that some have -- I am the opposite. I have a draw toward closeness. BUT the best part, and the balance, is that we will have more space outside our bedroom door than most. We will have vast space to breathe in and exhale out, vast space to see and run and explore. I hope to spend lots of time outside when I need it and plenty of time indoors when I need it. And we can each self-regulate this for ourselves.

I think we have a different relationship with space than many cultures do around the world. People ask me how me and my kids and pets are going to live comfortably in such a teeny space, when bigger families than mine live in smaller spaces very happily elsewhere. It isn't really about the actual size of the space -- ask someone from New York, as opposed to someone from the midwest. Ask someone in Hong Kong as opposed to someone in a tribal village in Africa. Space is cultural, and space is relative, and space is more complicated than just physical proximity, and space is something we all get to define for ourselves.

The funny part is that now that I have begun to define where I want to go and explore what it will feel like, so we can plan what would be best for us, now this house feels like a mansion. It feels like big empty hallways and too many rooms full of too much stuff. I am a radical minimalist. I could easily do one of those "own 100 things" challenges, and when we have the world to explore (rather than stuff to explore), it will be easy and healing to shed all that weight and remain as light and fluid as we need to be, to do what we are going to do.

Having space and lots of stuff does not make somewhere home for us. Living on the road will be just as much opportunity for that home feeling, and maybe even more, since we have always rented and had the details of the space we were living in dictated by a landlord. This RV will be our's! I will own it. I will own our home. There is something special about that feeling :)))

I am not expecting this new home to be the final answer for our lives, but it is the next answer for our lives, and someday we will find this RV living to be out of alignment, and we will adjust life as needed. Home is living life in the now and for the now. Home is not being afraid to make changes as we need to make them :))

Home is coming back for holidays whenever possible and LOVING the familiarity :))
 
Wherever our heart is, we are home ♥
 

The Disease

I have mentioned a few times the "healing" and the "dis-ease" that I am hoping a road-life will remedy. So, I thought I would come share a bit about all of that.

My dis-ease is commonly referred to as depression. I don't suffer from depression. Firstly, I don't suffer (unless I have the nagging feeling that someone feels I should be doing something other than hybernating, in which case the guilt inside me sometimes feels like suffering). And secondly, what I am experiencing is not something to clinicize and medicate or whatnot. Yes, there is a remedy for it, and that has always been to follow what my insides are calling for, be that deep dark quiet inner work, or climbing under the blankets and not coming out for a week, or searching for joy through connections with fellow soulful kindreds. I have found more relief from following where my "depression" is taking me than from resisting it. And I have learned more about myself from those times than from any other in my life. Usually it stems from a kind of learned helplessness in my life. Often creative movement (inside or outside) of some sort remedies that hopelessness when I am ready for the shift. Like most things in my life, I have not sought "expert" help in my journey -- I had no interest in a label that would be my crutch when I was younger, and by the time I realized I was strong enough to handle this, I also realized what blessing this time spent was.

I think we live in a society that values extroversion over introversion, so we aren't socialized to value people drawing into holes and finding healing and growth. And I think that this society is often the reason we need healing in the first place -- be it how we teach the parents to treat their children, or disconnect completely from what is earthy and feminine, or impose "bigger" and "better" and "more" upon the embodiment of all that is reverent in our hearts ♥ This has been my experience anyway, and I know that what makes each of us feel helpless is different. SO...

Having said all of that, taking my life on the road will provide remedy to a few things. I crave movement. I used to think it was that I was runniing from something, and I tried to dig up what it was that I was running from. Now, I feel I have laid the details of my past to rest -- I am at peace with it, and I just need to flow like the water I am. A nomadic lifestyle will provide this to perfection very adequately with room for discontent.

The other part of my life that will find healing is the close proximity. The funny part is that people's first question is usually something to the effect of "Won't that be uncomfortable to have so many people in such a small space?" They must not know me :)) But I can't be mad -- it took me some reflection to realize this about myself, too, and in this "bigger = better" society, of course that would be the first question! :))

I love small intimate spaces. I am SUCH a radical minimalist, you can only begin to imagine. In fact, I am specifically chosing a smaller RV than some bigger spaces. I am looking forward to cleaning the entire place in the time it currently takes me to sweep and mop the floor. I am looking forward to my "dirtiness limit" getting hit (because we are in such a small space) before I have a 2-day project ahead of me. I am looking forward to having so little stuff to clean and organize, looking forward to the bulk of our "mess-desiring" to happen outside in nature. It will feel so healing to me to have such a small space to be responsible for. Having said that, most of the space in the RV will be for the kids, because I want them to be able to keep the things they are not ready to get rid of right now.

I am excited about living aligned with my super simple self :))
So, I guess to put it simply: I feel like the weight of this stagnant unauthentic life is what is ailing me, and the remedy will be to follow my minimalist gypsy heart.

I've Gone Too Far...

...to turn back now.

With a big gigantic world out there and all this research I have been doing, these walls around me feel really ridiculous.

This location now feels so small to me, and things that used to feel like barriers now feel like pebbles.

Sometimes people say that if you aren't happy where you are, that you will never be happy elsewhere, but I have to disagree for myself. If I am unhappy, it is a signal that something needs to change, and sometimes that change is inside and sometimes that change is outside.

Sometimes people want to pad my possible disappointment and so tell me not to count on this big change to be the cure to what is ailing me. I say, following my heart wherever it will lead me is always the cure to what is ailing me. I have been afraid to count on this movement to be the healing, in case this stuff follows me, but I have decided that I am going to count on it. Mostly because I believe that the Law of Attraction will manifest whatever I believe into my life. And partly because "why the heck NOT believe it?" I chose to believe in unicorns. Who says they don't exist? Maybe it isn't finding the unicorn that actually heals, but the believing?

I am excited about designing my life in all new ways. Last night, I wrote in my journal, "One of my favorites about nomadic living is the repeated opportunities to practice reinventing myself :) Or re-embracing myself ♥ I want to be unapologetic ♥" (yes, I write hearts and smiley faces in my journal :)))))

A fresh slate sound so delicious to me right now. So does a deep soulful retreat. I need some deep cleaning and some new growth. It is time.

In fact, I am constantly cycling through this need for deep cleaning and new growth, so instead I am going to say "It is time for what is now coming."

As I make big big BIG room in my life for this new lifestyle, what am I going to let go of? What am I going to lay to rest or leave behind? As I let go of this current world where I and it have mutually defined me, who will I be when I have a clean canvas to paint on and limitless colors to chose from? Who will I someday come back here as, to visit someday? Who will I find myself to be out on the open road, in the contexts of a million different cultures and experiences and connections and jaw-dropping views? What bits of me will find validation, truth, death?

What about this amazing experience for my children? How will this impact them? Who will they find themselves to be on the open road, and how will they grow that person into a life someday?

I am excited to be open to how these answers will find us on this journey, both on the road and in life. I have some peeks, but I know that I have no idea. It is going to be way grander than I could ever imagine from this limited vantage point. But from the opening around the corner from this cave, where I can see the big gigantic world that is beckoning me, it sure looks full of magnificent promises. I am walking toward the opening, and I look forward to being out of here and into the big open world ♥

I am excited about leaving all this stuff behind, picking my favorites, and bringing them into our new world. I am excited about all the abundance our life is going to envelop and exude. I am excited about the impermanence before us and my feelings toward perfection.

I have been entertaining the idea that I am okay with leaving things behind that will make me sad, even though ideally, I would have wanted this to be perfectly easy to move on from. And I am okay with knowing that I can't do everything. How liberating! I can't do everything.

I am okay with things not being perfect (more on that in a later post). Things aren't perfect now, so why should "perfect" stop me from living imperfection against a different backdrop of my life?

I am okay with beloveds not understanding, and even with them being concerned and maybe a tad worried. That is their journey. Hopefully they find peace <3 Honestly, my journey is my concern, and right now, I'm concerned and a tad worried about the state of my current life, and I need to follow my bliss. It would be lovely if they could support that <3 And it will still be lovely if they don't ♥

This is just so right for us.

You know what I find funny sometimes? When a child scratched their knee doing something, and someone says something to the effect of, "Aww, you shouldn't have been doing that, huh?" or "You won't do that again, huh?" ............ Hmmm..... Not my style. Getting hurt is often the result of risk -- does that mean we should life minimizing risk? Does that mean that we shouldn't jump back out there and possibly get a skinned knee again? Or worse? Does getting hurt inherently mean that we should not do something? And does staying "here" mean no hurt will come to us?

Well, I am okay with going out there and getting hurt. It's no different than staying here and getting hurt, except we will have a better view. And we will have, at least, tried to fix the dis-ease that engulfs us sometimes.

Oh, yes, there is no turning back :)))

Things to do on the Road

This is a compiled list that I am very excited about!!!!!!! This is what we have thought of so far....

Foremost, just BE.
Even if we do absolutely nothing, if we are happy, it's all good :))
In addition, we can:

Attend Gatherings

• unschooling conferences, like Rethinking Everything
• anime conventions
• hoop camp retreat
• fellow nomad gatherings
• "local" Pagan groups' holiday celebrations

Visit Communes and Intentional Communities
Spend time really getting a feel for their lifestyles and see how they run things. I want to live communally someday, even if it is location independent :))))) In the very least, I know this will help me be the best family member I can be <3

Walks or Hikes in Nature
Self explanatory! We can play in parks of all kinds and spend days or weeks or however long it takes for us to get our fill :))

Explore Towns

• local hangouts or town info booths
• experience cultures
• listen to histories
• learn what they are famous for
• drive/bike down neighborhoods and look at houses/property

Meet People

• my online tribe (both from the wild zen tribe and other venues :))
• local unschoolers or homeschoolers (a local park day?)
• RV park
• farmers markets

Leave a Trail of Random Acts

• HILA is a Facebook group that stands for Hope, Inspiration, Love, Art -- they make artful little things and randomly leave them to brighten someone's day!!
• Yarn bombing -- wow, beautiful. Plug it in to google images for some heart-melting fibre love! And see below for some of my favs :D
• Operation Beautiful -- makes me cry <3
• and any other ways we can make people smile <3

Bucket Lists
oh, the fun we will have creating these lists and also checking them off!! Oh, talk about boundless opportunities!!!!


Okay, I can't stand it! I must share some yarn bombing love!!!!!!!! (gathered from Google)

...Now it's your turn! What other things are there to do while living on the road :D

Dream Big

If I'm gonna do it, do it right, right?

I am so ready to do this. I know that I don't need a trial run, but I am hoping to be able to do it for Kass, so she will know we can come back if we don't love it.

Timeline:
I am hoping to buy the RV in a month or 2, and be on the road a month or 2 after that (renovation time). My lease here is up in August, and I may even be on the road before that (hoping!).

My first 2 or 3 month voyage will be destination Oregon, to visit my soul sister, MB <3 And I plan to make the trip via visiting my other beloved tribesisters on the coast of California :))))) Then we will probably head back down here (visitng the sisters more inland California) to spend Yule/Christmas with family and let Kass decide at that point if she wants to stay on the road or not. We will say our goodbyes at that point (assuming Kass loves it as much as I know she will!) and head off for the grand adventure :)))))))))))))

I started a(nother) "Home on Wheels" journal. This one is permanent -- I used one of my favorite journals that I had been saving for the right purpose. It is colorful (thank you, rainbow of highlighters) and organized (thank you, Office Depot, for satiating my craving for office supplies) and full of limitless potential for recording dreams of adventure :))))))))) It is already full of lists that are just jumping off the page, excited to become blog posts in the very near future :))

If you read this blog via e-mail, you might want to come check out the actual blog soon -- I am going to make some fun changes to the links at the top of the page, including an "about us", a tab about our rig (our RV), a library (for links to things), and a better preview of the Tribe :)) I'm so excited!!!!!

~~okay, so I totally cheated and took a break (a couple hours!) from finishing this blog post to go do that, and I am LOVEing the tabs :D Go check them out! -- well, after you finish reading this post LOL Now, back to your regularly scheduled program...

I am excited about putting together a planner/organizer, including:

• a "to do" list (long term and short term stuff)
• a budget
• a simple map/atlas
• an address book (with some system of pinning tribesisters' addresses in the map)
• and a calendar with events happening different places, birthdays of beloved ones, and a travel log of where we were and what we did

One of the first things I am going to do is start selling 99% of everything we own on Craigslist. I will probably not be selling most of Kassidy's stuff, so she knows she really can return, if she wants to <3

I will also be finding ways to have fundraisers (garage sales, car washes, a going away party, wrapping up unfinished craft projects to sell, and whatever else I can come up with).  I need to start saving up money for that rig!

I have a nice long list of things that need to be done before we can head out, so I will be ticking things off as fast as I can :))

This is so exciting! And I feel so optimistic and trusting again! I know we've got this!!!!! I know we can do this, and I know this is it :)))) And I know the universe will open up doors for us because I am saying "Yes! Yes! Yes!" to everything :))))))))))

Now, go explore those tabs :D

Happy Celebrating Rebirth Day

Although, we do not identify as Christians, we do love excuses to celebrate :)))) And the celebration of rebirth seems to be univeral around this time of year (Spring), so I can get down with that :)) Here are some pics of our day:

In her Sunday best :))

Saying "cheeeeese"

He is going to melt hearts someday...

Can I take a moment to express just how much I love them? Wow, words can't begin to describe!

Searching for the Ostara bunny

Trying to find that bunny

Basket time :))

Kassidy being a bunny :)))

Speaking of bunnies.... A chocolate one curled up in the grass with some eggs made of fabric scraps :)

Bash had to get in on the love action :))))

He tolerated this for about 10 seconds LOL

One says "celebrate" and the other says "rebirth" (hollow eggs that I was going to make tacky earrings out of LOL)

Gay pride rabbit egg :))))

"stained glass" or "tie-dyed" eggs :)))

We always write their names on one egg each every year :))

My favorite eggs -- no surprise LOL purple stars and spirals :))))))))))))))

Some Spring-themed cupcakes that I made -- delicious :)

He knew how to look for eggs this year :))

Najaia's first time egg hunting :)

She got the hang of it real fast :D

Rethinking Everything (not the conference)

So, I have been thinking about this whole living-on-the-road thing... hahaha, what an understatement :)) And no surprise, I am sure. I woke up the next morning looking into my closet (where my bed faces) and thinking, "By many people's standards, this is a wonderful life.... but it's not for me." I am not meant to have all this stuff. It's a weight I cannot bear, was not made to bear. I have lived out of a dufflebag with glee. THAT is the life for me.

So, I went and reread my last blog post and pulled out a few things that really stood out for me:

• a prettier cage -- that is kinda what ANY stick house would be for me
• in the NOW, everything is fine -- if I project this into the future, taking life moment by moment, I KNOW everything will be fine, regardless
• manifestational muscle -- I need to work this muscle out, so that I can make my life what I truly dream it to be... I think I have been working my fear and negativity muscle out -- I need my old habits back

So, I started thinking, my biggest fear is that living on the road is not going to be what I think it is, and I will have given all of this up for it. So, I decided I will consider a trial run. I won't give up my free rent and such for 3 months, and I will live on the road and see if it is, indeed, what I think it will be. I like the option of that plan :)))

Then I started thinking about something else that I wrote in my last post: "why do I want to disconnect from this day-in-day-out?" And I realized that there is too much responsibility, too much weight. I was not made for this, regardless of what other people's standards are. I am a minimalist to the core of me. I have not been living sustainably for me -- I have been living too big, even though it could be described by others as simply. It's not simple enough for me.

So, I started making a list of what I really need:

• a bed
• a bathroom
• a place to store and prep food

And then it crept in, while I was making that list: my fear of moving into the bus, my fear that I won't be able to handle it was more from the primitive set up, than the simple one. I loooooooove simplicity, but partially because I am picky about the simple things I use. I can't say I would be thrilled to empty a compost toilet after the novelty wears off (once or twice). I will probably miss cooking on a stove when my option is removed from my life. And I will surely need an electrical outlet where there isn't one on a converted bus.

Then I thought, the Leapley's RV really would be perfect for me.... It has a BIG bed (plenty big for the babies and me), a couch that converts to another bed (perfect for Kass -- although, we might switch that arrangement out), a space for Noble's play table, a dinette (table with 2 benches on either side), a kitchen with stove and oven and fridge and all, a bathroom with a shower, a large closet, and upper shelving. That is perfectly what we need (not too much or too little). The best oart about their RV is that I love the layout! It feels very open and spacious inside. Something like that with a diesel engine that I could convert to run on waste veggie oil would be ideal for us.

I really want something small, and I think a bus would be too big for us. I don't want a house on wheels, I want a studio with a small loft on wheels. Not to mention, an RV the size of the Leapley's (20+ feet), I could be very comfortable driving everywhere -- I was a bit worried about how I would find parking in a parking lot in a gigantic bus. I drove a wheelchair bus for a living for 7 years, so I know I could get really cozy driving an RV, but a long long LONG bus would take too much work to do every little detail of life (like go get groceries or go to a laundry mat).

So, that was as far as I got to thinking yesterday. Well, except I searched RVs on Craigslist and got an idea of what I was looking at. I even found an RV like the one the Leapley's have, for $2,700. I would have paid much more than that for the bus and getting it cozy inside, when all was said and done (you know, a toilet, a stove and fridge, etc). And this way, I can sell more of my stuff (instead of using it for the inside of the bus).

I am really excited about all of this thinking. And then my dear friend, Cindy Leapley, sent me the name of a page to "like" on Facebook, which brought me to the blog Gypsy Dreaming, where she talked about the stress of having to sell their house before hitting the road, and it made me realize how lucky I am to be renting before I go. And then it made me realize how lucky I am to be having free rent for now, so we are not spending money on rent that we could be spending on the RV. And how great it is to have time to get this all together without feeling like I am wasting money on rent that could be put into an RV. I like this angle :)))

So, here I am. I am prepared to give up the wonderful things that I love about living in a stick house here, the community I am just learning and loving, and our dear friends and family.... Everyone who hits the road has things to give up, and I am okay with not being happy about leaving some stuff behind. My life doesn't have to be a total ease to give up for me to be available to do it.

Also, I was thinking, as I read a few road-living family blogs in the last couple days, that we can stay as long as we want to. I know most people take off from places after a few days or maybe a week or 2, but who says we can't spend an entire month with a family that we love? Who says we can't stay for 2 months, or however long it takes for the road to becon us again? We can have the best of both of those worlds, too! We can go whenever we want to and stay as long as we want to :)))))

If I was going to put a diesel engine in the bus, I can do that for an RV, too :)) It's all good :)))

It really is all good :))))))))))))))

Maybe it is Mercury coming out of retrograde? But I feel free and prepared again :)))))

Speaking of "timing" -- happy rebirth celebration day!!!! I am off to do the egg dying and egg hiding and basket filling thing :)

It All Comes Down to Connection

**fun blog moment: my last post was my 200th post since I started this blog on April 24th of last year! Now, back to our regularly scheduled program...

There are 3 main reasons I want to live on the road: adventure (the kind you wake up immersed in already), sustainability, and connection.

My oldest daughter and I have had a rocky road over the past few years, and we are better than ever :)) I see a few places in her life where our disconnect is impacting her, so I really want to work on connection with her, connection inside herself and connection with me and with her siblings. The biggest thing I can do to help her find healing is to hold that space for her in my heart and in my head. I know that she already has everything inside of her, all the answers, all the wisdom, all the ability. I hope that I can find that pathway to her heart, so she can find it for herself ♥

Back to the bus... I am petrified of mechanical stuff. I know absolutely nothing about engines and vehicle functions and parts. This fear seduces and lures me away from putting all my eggs in that basket -- I am trying to be safe by holding onto that basket but not putting anything in it that I wouldn't already hold onto anyway.

Can I have the connection I want without hitting the road? What would that take? What would that look like?

Can I have sustainablity? Can I have adventure?

Can I give myself more time before I try to hit the road? Instead of aiming for August, could I wait until maybe March of next year?

The reasonable side of me lures me into that way of thinking with promises like "that will be long enough to learn about vehicles and prepare for the plumbing and electrical that will need to be done and to find solar panels on Craigslist and whatever other supplies possible on Diggers List." It's so easy to talk me out of stepping outside my comfort zone....

I am not trusting the insides of me that want to leave. I wonder if I am running from something or trying to run to something. And it wouldn't matter if this wasn't such a big deal. Giving up my free rent is a big deal (I was on the waiting list for 8 years). Braving the open road in an old bus when I know nothing about vehicles (and they usually don't end well in my care, as well) is a big deal. I can't tell if I am chickening out or if I am flowing through barriers...

In moments of clarity, I see us on the bus. I have never felt more alive inside than imagining our life on the road. Is this fear going to sideswipe my dreams? Is this fear valid? It's like a tug-o-war with my heart.

It requires a leap of faith. It's like when I decided I wanted to homeschool Kass, and it took me 6 months of consuming researching information to feel comfortable to pull her out of school. Why do I take soooooooo incredibly long to do something? Why can't I just leap?

I'm so afraid. I HATE being afraid. I hate when my fears dictate the path I take! Thank you, fears, for wanting to keep me safe, but I don't want to live my life so far from the edge -- I need to feel the breeze ruffle my feathers so I can test these wings! I want to fly!!!!

But what if my wings are broken? I haven't used them in so long........ Can I fly alone? Carrying 3 babies? And a dog... and 2 felines?

Is hitting the road best for them? Noble LOVES having the same friends to play with over and over, and he is so shy with new people and new situations -- would his life be a perpetual "slow-to-warm-up"? Kass has her own little tribe of friends here. How can I take her from it?

What if this life I am dreaming about is not as great as I think it will be? What if the grass isn't actually greener? Then where will we go? What will we do?

.... I know the answer to this (whatever we will do), and I know we will be fine regardless.

It's not the actual fears, it is fear itself that is paralyzing me. It is distrust (which will lead to more problems down the road than any actual course we are set for). I am manifesting my own destiny here -- stay on track!

~~~~~~~~~~
...So, this post kinda took me by the seat of my pants. I considered deleting the whole thing, but I am keeping it. Someday, when I look back to those preliminary steps before our lift-off, this blog is going to be important, and maybe it will help someone else who will come looking to see if the tug-o-war inside them is normal before taking off?

I'm going to get back to my original idea for this post :))

It all comes down to connection. I want more connection with my family in my life. I want to be unplugged from the things that distract us from each other, and from the stuff that we use to ease the anxiety that swells up inside of us. The internet is such a 2-sided coin: it connects me to my internet tribe and feeds my brain with information, and it pulls me away from my face life with my kids and pulls my kids away from their face life with us. The problem isn't the internet; we have lost interest in connecting with each other. I am a single mom; I have depended on technology-as-a-babysitter so much that now I am afraid to lose it and desperate to lose it at the same time. Parts of me want to fall off the face of the internet earth and hard-survive face life with people. If I didn't have the internet, how would I get to know people? Would I -- could I survive without Facebook, without connecting with dear friends spread far and wide? Without blogging my heart out? What would my life look like?

Do I need to live on a bus to reconnect with my kids and my own face life? No, probably not. But why do I want to disconnect from this day-in-day-out? I think it's not for me.

A few minutes ago, my attention span (add?) took me to facebook, where a dear friend shared this blog post, called Surrendering to the LIFE the Universe has Planned. I love synchrony as much as I love some of the things she talked aboutthat spoke to my soul. First of all, though... Why do I choke up and start crying at the title? Surrendering? Surrendering my fears? That word has been coming up for me a lot, recently. And smack-dab in my processing thus far was my soul sister, MB's post on surrender, which reminded me that surrender is not the same as succumbing. I will not succumb to my fears on all of this, but I will surrender them and surrender to them, like the healing that happens when we relax for a chiropractic adjustment, like the rush that happens when we release and just let it all go... Maybe once I have stopped resisting, those fears can flow freely and go about their business outside of me? I'm tired of carrying their burden.

So, that "Surrendering to the LIFE the Universe has Planned" post had some great points that totally applied to this post... How about this little gem: "How do I unpack this BIG spiritual/emotional/mental/physical experience I’ve been having into something so small as words?" (oh, but I do try, don't I?)

What about this one:

"I am friends with a lot of entrepreneurs and would-be entrepreneurs and personal development folks.  Goal talk is BIG in these circles.  I see it all over my Facebook feed!  And I went there for a little bit at first.  To the Goal Camp.  But what I had to realize over this past year is slightly embarrassing (only for those circles):  I just don’t care.  I don’t care.  I don’t care about goals.  I don’t care about tracking.  I don’t care about having a plan and having it come to fruition the way I planned it after a lot of hard work.   That became BORING to me quite quickly."

I love to make goals -- they are fun to play with. But maybe this is why I never really follow through with them? ROFL

And this:

In the moments when I wake in the morning with THE DREAD, this is what my reptilian brain thinks I need: A Tried and True Plan, tested by Experts!

But, here’s the secret…

Shhhh…

What I’ve found is SO MUCH MORE. It really is. And I’m not saying this as pie-in-the-sky trying to convince myself or you. Truly, at my core, I’ve had to realize my own freedom. See, when I traded in the 9-5 world for the entrepreneur world, what I essentially found was that I’d just gotten myself in a prettier cage. Not interested. And when I let it go, when I didn’t hire the business coach to tell me to what to do to “foolproofly” make all the money I need, I felt oddly free. I don’t HAVE TO follow anyone else’s rules. I live in the NOW. In the NOW, everything is fine. I am following my own rule, guided from within. I am following the Universe’s plan for me, step by step. Sometimes it’s hella scary because I DON’T KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!!!! But you know what? I also LOOOOOOOOVE that I don’t know how it ends. Life becomes an adventure to be LIVED, not a plan to be carried out.

Life becomes an adventure to be LIVED, not a plan to be carried out.

Me <~ crying again.

Can I let go? Can I not try to be "foolproofly"? Can I just live in the NOW, uncertain, following instead of leading, not knowing what may come next, not knowing how it will end? Can I do that? Let me rephrase that... Can I do that without eating myself into oblivion from the anxiety? Can I do it without the assurance of a caravan, without a partner to feel anchored and safe in and with?

Am I going to be pep talking myself indefinitely about how I can do this? Am I going to wake up with that morning dread?

Have I shared with you that every homeless person I see fills me with fear, recently -- fear because I am giving up a home and belongings and "security" and may end up homeless on the street at some point? Fear that I might be that worn and sun-leathered person with deeply heavy eyes and a heavier walk. Could I become that person? Will that be me someday? What other horrors or hardships might await us?

Is a stick house REALLY that much security, though, really? One of my reasons for wanting out of this one is the lack of security I feel -- the landlord could uproot us at any time (happened before), or something could happen with my rental assistance, and we could lose it unexpectedly. Who knows...

If I were to die in a year, would I be happier that we stayed "safely" in this house, or that we got out on the road and lived our dream? Oh, I am tired of planning, of being told I "have to" plan. I'll show them!

...... So, this post has been written over the course of a few hours (lol), and I just thought of what I think is holding me back even more than my fears about what destiny may have in store for us... It's my own fears concerning my own ineptitude. I trip HARD on pebbles. I get deeply "depressed" and basically nonfunctional. At least, here in this stick house, we have running water and electricity even when I am nonfunctional. Life is kind of on autopilot here. What happens when we are out-and-about in life and I need to hide in my hole and recharge my batteries for days or months at a time (I hybernate during winter)? What happens when some situation makes me want to crawl inside instead of get something done?

Alright, I am beyond tired and pretty convinced that I will regret posting this come tomorrow, but I'm doing it anyway! This post is my invitation to the universe for the answers that I will come to find (probably via Facebook) in the next few weeks. On that note, I leave you, Dear Patient Readers, with this lat bit from that blog post: (eat it up -- it's delicious!)

To be truly, truly free. I guess I have done it. But it seems to be something I need to continually do. It seems to be like a manifestational muscle. But wow, cool stuff happens. Can I believe I am worthy of this life? Can I believe it can “work”? Can I live this way and still thrive? Some part of me knows I can’t live any other way and thrive. I know I am thriving.

The Unlikely Monkey Wrench

Ding dang darn.

Yesterday, I had a wild surge of cleaning energy that I decided to direct at my garage (I have been shoving everything I don't want from the house in there, and a garage sale was way overdue!). I had stuff pulled out into the back street into 2 piles: the stuff I was selling (which looked very appealing, I must say) and the stuff I was keeping (which looked like the garbage pile LOL Oh, the joy of unfinished projects!!). People were stopping by and asking if I was selling anything and peeking in at stuff. One nice neighbor bought all the clothes (bags and bags full for $5 haha) and baby stuff (she takes it to family in Mexico -- I love it!!) and some odds and ends in the kitchen and house decor...

Another lady likes a shelf and wants me to hold it for her until she moves in next month. Her and I got to talking. I really liked her right off the bat. I'm so partial to loud and bold women, women who hug people just because that is what they do, women who talk about the things that pop up in their mind as they live life... So, this awesome Italian woman is moving in right across from my garage! And she has an 11-year-old self-identified free spirited daughter who is SO COOL and LOOOOOOOVEs anime.

And I am sitting here thinking, why is this tribe coming together in my backyard when I am ready to leave?

And I am thinking, was there a waiver in my energy that manifested this?

And I am thinking, what do I do with this unlikely monkey wrench?

And as I am hanging out with this awesome woman, a couple of the boys down the street stop by and explain to this woman that Kassidy is their stepsister because their mom adopted her as part of their family. I really love their mom, too. I felt an instant connection to her, too, that hasn't waned <3

And I am still waiting to find out about this lump sum of money I was going to buy the bus with -- it was supposed to take days for me to find out, and now I have learned it will be 6-9 weeks.

I guess I have some time to think and feel and experience and see....

Unplug

When I was writing my last post about knowing it was time to do this roadliving thing, I wanted to explain more about why I knew this would be good for our family, why we need this, what is so important for us.

I feel so disconnected right now. I feel like the internet and other technology in our lives consume our attention, and we are so spread out that we hardly see each other. I can't just turn off the internet -- it is embedded into this life, and limiting it is a bandaid, really.

It's more than the internet, though. The internet and other technology are not the cause -- they are what we are trying to use as a remedy. Other "remedies" include Kass's investment in playing outside with kids who often make her feel awful about who she is and what she likes. We are all trying to find ways to cure this anxiety inside us, this restlessness in our gut that says something is off and how can I "get back on".

I was an attachment parent when I didn't even know the term. I couldn't get enough of my baby. She and I were thick as thieves. But events happened in our lives that left us disconnected and angry and taking it out on each other. I want to cry when I think of how alone and unsafe my daughter has felt in her life, and probably emotionally abandoned by me because of my own issues during it all.

I see the repercussions of it everyday. Today, we are closer than ever. We enjoy each other more than ever. I'm ready to take the plunge into the most connected we can be :) Before my baby (my oldest) leaves the roost, I want her to feel connected, a part of this whole <3 I want us to be so close that we have no other choice <3

I just want a family connected, a family unplugged from the "junk food of life" and plugged in to the things I value. I want a good shot at it. I want to make it our life. We have been living off of the processed life which is why we want more and more and more -- because it is not fulfilling... and I want a whole life for us. I want the depths and richness of family, adventure, outdoors, simplicity, tribeness, and wildly self-designing our own lives free of social conformity. If my kids chose the traditional route for their futures, at least it won't be because they didn't know any different.

I cannot get what I want from living rooted into the ground right now, unless those roots were in the company of this tribe I need so desperately in my life. I literally and figuratively fill myself to the brim and overflowing with junk, because I really just need some whole foods for my life -- literally and figuratively. Maybe the reason I am feeling the draw toward the road is because that is where I found it before in my life? I want to do what I know. Maybe someday I will try something different, but I really need this. I really want to give my family this. It's a gift, my service to them. And this is my gift...

I want to awake to them, spend the whole day with them, and fall asleep with them in the context of a simple, whole, and connected life, with a backdrop of adventure and enriched learning.

I wrote something for my friends, the Leapleys, as they prepare for their departure by RV in the next couple weeks:

Plant simplicity
in the rich soil of love.
Water with adventure.
Grow abundance!

One of my favorite things about the Leapleys is how similar they are to us LOL This quote applies to us both. We are both simple people who garden in black earthy love soil. When we water that simple living with amazing experiences and sights to see, we grow abundance -- abundant connection, abundant richness, abundant wholeness, abundant opportunities, abundant freedom, abundant possibilities....

This is more important to me, as a mother to my children, than any lessons to "prepare them for life" (like how to get a job or balance a bank account). I want to give them the gift of a whole and rich childhood to both grow their adulthood from and to bounce their future lives off of to test for joy and importance. If they have a solid sense of the substance that comes from living a rich and whole life, then they can use it as barometer for their future when deciding what to do with their own lives. Hopefully, it won't take them until they are 30 to figure it out for themselves :))) Or, better yet, maybe they won't be afraid at 30, with kids in tow, to leave it "all" behind and hit the road of happiness? ...and I say "all" on purpose, because "all" we need and want is coming with us -- it's in our hearts, and it is the fact that we are all together, and it is because our favorite belongings are a humble amount and will fit in our new home. We have it all :))

Kassidy's Sagitarius moon makes her more of a natural adventurer than I am -- I either learned it or it's in the blood I inherited from my mother, but it's been in Kassidy's stars since her birth. I always thought she would join the Peace Corps because of how much she loves justice, helping people, and travel. She always said she wanted to get a VW bus and travel when she turned 18 (instead of go straight into college), and she said just a few weeks ago (when Kai was sick) that she imagined him riding shotgun in her road adventures later in life :)) No matter how much "stability" I tried to give Kassidy (by living in the same place from her age 3 to 9, by her having the same daycare provider all her years, and going to the same school from kindergarten until she came home to homeschool), she wanted adventure. I know this will be so perfect for Kassidy :)))

I want to hit the road before Noble and Najaia have a preference otherwise. It's already hard to balance the timing between Kass and I -- the last thing we need are more people with big opinions on the matter :)) I would love for this to be all that Najaia remembers (and maybe even Noble).

We are a nomad family. I can't wait to hit the road :)))

It's Time

My oldest daughter and I do this flip-flopped postition on road living. The last time I was so excited and ready to drop everything to live on an RV, my daughter realized we would not be able to take her entire collection of stuffed animals into the RV with us (3 big trashbags full) and so decided she wasn't ready to do it. So, I supported her and tucked my dreams away. But I felt resentful when the house was a mess, knowing that if we were living in an RV, I wouldn't be spending half my day cleaning. Stuff like that.

So, I decided to be happy where I am, and if that meant I wasn't in an RV, it didn't mean we couldn't live simply as if we were in an RV. So, I simplified the house and have found myself SUPER happy in this home for the last couple months. My daughter, during the simplification process, made a few comments about being fine with living in an RV again, but by then, I was invested in completing this chapter of our lives (finishing out the lease here, at least).

Then I meet Tara and a couple amazing familes a month ago, and I reconnected with a dear family, the Leapleys, who I adored and missed during the months revolving around the birth of their 7th family member <3 Now, as I write this, the Leapleys AND one of the families from the gathering with Tara are prepping their RVs for move-in within the next few weeks. So, my embers were stoked, and I started researching again.

I have decided I want to go the bus conversion route (which would allow my daughter to bring all of her stuffed animals LOL). It is AWESOME what can be personalized inside of those beasts! I have it all planned out, like you can only imagine. Now, my daughter is talking about wanting to stay here again.... Of course.

So, I was thinking about it last night, and I have decided that I want to make this as consensual as possible, but I'm still moving forward. I am going to be as gentle and loving and involving as possible, but it's time to get on this journey. I know it will be so amazing for our whole family that it will be worth the nudges. Hopefully, by the time it's time to go, Kass will naturally be back on board with wanting to come again :))) She is going to love this adventure, and it's going to be so good for her (and the rest of us). I'm not going to drag her kicking and screaming (if she felt adament about NOT going, we wouldn't), but I just can't base my decisions for my life and our family on her (geez it is hard to find a word that both validates her changing feelings and expresses the lack of investment in either decision...) "whims"? That's not it, but I think you get the point.

So, I feel good about this choice. Making a decision, regardless of where she stands at this moment, felt very right to me. I am so glad that I finally feel so ready, so unwaveringly prepared. I feel like my bursting-out-of-my-shell-life is hanging on this thread. I have tried to figure out how to work it from the ground, but I am meant to fly.

So, without further adue... Let me introduce you to the big, purple bus we plan to liberate from her confinement (the owner hasn't been able to travel in her for well over a year. She has just been parked)...

That is 11 windows!!!!!! The longest bus I know of on one body :))) Perfect for our motley crew :))

And this is her interior:

I have short-term plans and long-term plans. My first priorety is getting the engine converted to run on waste veggie oil (which will require switching out the gasoline engine in it currently, with a diesel engine and THEN converting to veg), so the inside will not undergo major construction until after that, except for the parts of the interior that make living in it necessary and enjoyable. I am planning minimal plumbing and minimal electrical, until the engine is done -- every drop of gasoline feels like a waste of money when there is a free way, you know?

So, our bed is going to go in the back (probably have to take out the back third of the shelving, which will be recycled back into the interior), and we are going to bring a couch, a coffee table, a wicker trunk for the kids' toys, and devote an area to holding "outdoor stuff" (a folding wooden picnic table and chairs, some bikes, hula hoops, etc). The shelving will be full of baskets holding our belongings, and I am going to make some upper shelving that holds the rods for curtains for all the windows, like this:

We will use a makeshift kitchen and bathroom, as long as I can stand it :)) I am going to find the cheapest way to have a floor that is comfortable and easy to clean like linoleum, and I am going to put up a curtain divider to make our bedroom more private, like this:

It's going to be full of plants, like this:

It's going to be so beautiful and simplistic <3 But the best part... It will be all mine to do whatever I want with. I'm not renting. I'm owning. .... Oh, the sound of that: I am owning! Oh yeh!!

She needs a name. Eventually, she is going to get a mural-of-a-paint job (curtesy of the kids' dad, most likely), like this (but waaaaaaaay more purples and spirals and stars :)):

 Eventually, she will have solar panels and tanks underneath so we can live off the grid. Someday, she will have wood floors, and a respectable bathroom and kitchen (maybe like this):

I want it to have a colorful gypsy kind of feel to it, like these:

Someday, you may see me and my kids set up like this:

But our bus would be MUCH cooler (and so would the stuff we were selling), and we would be gathered with our gypsy tribe caravan with all their wares, and the kids would be out front hula hooping or sword fighting (or both!), while the adults talked and danced and ate and dreaded each other's hair and gathered wood for the night's bonfire party....

Oh yeh...

I Get It

My fears about living in a home-on-wheels are not the typical ones that people have to process to be comfortable with something. I have already lived on the road, and my fears are tangled up with the stuff my mom carried around about our experience of it. We lived like a cat always lands on their feet -- my mom attributed it to luck. It was a heavy weight for my mom to carry alone (single mama), and she finally broke under the strain of it.

I am afraid of breaking down somewhere I don't want to be -- not because of some random concern, but because this happened to us. My mom and my brother and I would get stranded at a relative's house who didn't approve of how my mom was living or parenting us, or at one of her boss' houses, while we waited for money or work to come in.

My fears about what will happen after we don't want to live in a bus anymore are rooted pretty deeply in what happened with us after transitions (stuff in storage in another state more than once, a crummy place to live)...

But I am not my mother, and our situation is so different from the ones I experienced as a kid, and the world is a very different place!

I was already on the path to trusting and having faith, but exploring these differences helped me really get it. I have no fears. ...When I was pregnant with Najaia, I was petrified of what was ahead of us. I was 100% excited and I was 100% scared. I was afraid to bring her into the world, because once she was here, all the changes would begin. I was afraid those changes would move too fast for me. I didn't have faith that it was going to happen at a comfortable rate and that the universe was conspiring in my favor.

I am trying to find my faith :))

Well, this was an adventure in finding my faith, but now faith has nothing to do with it -- I have reasoned it out! Here it goes....

I am not my mother.

Let's just keep it short and sweet and say that I am starting this journey from a place of confidence and intactness, and that I have peace and joy of presence in things like not knowing and impermanence. I have complete faith to surrender entirely to the adventure, and I am okay with investing every bit of everything into it and knowing that it will be successful. I don't need a man or a partner to feel secure, and I don't need the security my mom did. I surrender that security to the whims of the universe who conspires in my favor, to my tribe sisters and families who will always support and assist me, and to my inner self who will only be soaringly successful when I let go of fear and manifest and liberate the phoenix inside me.

Our situation will be so different than the one from my childhood.

Firstly, and most importantly, we will be travelling in our home, not in a van with a home filled with stuff and bills somewhere that we are responsible for. Everything will be in one nice neat space: our home, our vehicle, our responsibility. No rent elsewhere or stuff elsewhere. If we were to break down, everything our life revolves around is still right there. If we broke down somewhere we didn't want to be (like those family members who weren't our first pick for a stop), we are in our home, just with a different view than may be our favorite. If we are waiting for money to come in, we are still in our home. Everything we own and love is with us at all times, so whatever happens, we are at home.

Another huge difference between my mom's travelling and our's is that my mom had a handful of relatives in Oklahoma and Texas who didn't approve of her to visit along the way, but I have an internet tribe who love and support us scattered all over the U.S.! And I am soooooooo good at tribes <3

The world is a very different place.

We have the internet! Need I say more? Okay, I'll add some more :))

We have internet-connecting forums and information for people who live on the road (and those numbers seem to be more than ever), and those forum members help each other out -- be it a fellow roadschooling family, or a single roadliving person who can recommend a campsite or diagnose an engine problem, provide a washer/dryer or point us in the direction of a trust-worthy mechanic. Internet forums for both "full-timers" and unschoolers are a tribe of themselves.

Speaking of a tribe of unschoolers. Unschoolers are like a secret society, and you are automatically in if you share the title and especially if you share the language :)) And wherever we go, there are bound to be unschoolers, or hippies (who are another secret society -- or not so secret LOL). We can connect with tribe-members along the way, and they can direct us in their expertises of the area. Maybe we can set up a little gypsy camp and sell our wares? Who knows, but I DO know that unschoolers are sympathetic to our unconventional lifestyle and to our means to make ends meet in a variety of creative ways, and will do what they can :))

And I have an already established, already connected tribe sprinkled all over the U.S. (and beyond) who we can visit. Did I mention that already? Well, I can't mention it enough. Those mamas are kinda my reason for hitting the road. My itenerary will be based on their locations <3 Our map will look like a series of beelines :)))

Lastly, the world is different because this is more common than ever, and businesses are supportive -- so many businesses allow people to "boondock" in their parking lots. And the internet allows the opportunity to more easily purchase memberships to state parks and camp for free or cheap.

This is going to be MY exprience, not my mom's <3 And I am so excited about that fact :)))

I Need My Approval

I just wrote this "note" on Facebook, titled "Dearest Facebook Friends and Family,"

I have flip-flopped back and forth, to and fro about my relationship with Facebook, about my interactions with all of you, but mostly over how much "me" I want to be with all of you. I have considered shutting down my Facebook account because it doesn't feel whole to me, since I often censor myself to not offend more conservative loved ones. But then I think of how this is often the easiest way to connect with loved ones, and it is full of so much potential!

I live life intentionally, but I promise, I'm not here to intentionally offend anyone -- I am here to be the best me I can be. Not only do I have the inherent right to do so, but if you are on my list, you love me, right? I hope you really love ME. If what I am saying does not resonate with you, I will certainly not be offended if you ignore me :))) I am not afraid of my ignore button :))

I plan to network here, and to shine the brightest me I can be. I am a star, afterall (Vanessa means "star" in Hebrew) -- if I don't shine, I die out, and I am tired of feeling faded and uncharacteristically depressed. I'm ready to burst out of this shell, so be prepared :))) I am loud and bold and eccentric and certainly not conservative. I am wild and outrageous. I LOVE ME! I love being me. I am like the most interesting person I know -- I am so in love with me, and I will make no appologies <3 So, love me, too, or not. Jump in and dance with me, or stand on the sidelines. My life is a dance of wild abandon.

I know it's not for everyone, and I am letting go of negative opinions about it all. I am going to embrace what rocks my world, and I am going to let go of opinions I have been carrying around, opinions that aren't mine and don't align with my values. I am going to release the shackles that are not benefitting me. Bursting through this glass ceiling is going to be the catalyst to my self-actualization, manifestation, and wild soaring success.

Oh, this ride is going to be quite an exciting adventure <3 I look forward to the tribe caravan :))

And then I started to flow through the release, and I wrote this:

I have been living a censored version of myself, wanting approval of others, but it has been causing me to not accept myself, which is more important to me. How can I even know whose approval matters, when I don't have my own? I am prepared... for ridecule. I am prepared to not be understood or supported. I am prepared to look crazy and outlandish. And, once again, I am reminded that through the problem is my liberation! I am searching for what I need in the wrong places, and once I align with my insides and start living true to it, I will find everything that I need: support, approval, etc.

And synchrony released this little capsul of delight, which talks about how (and why) creative people are more eccentric and often "depressed", and all over I just keep remembering that it is normal to not be accepted by people, to not be approved of, to not be "for everyone" and that is okay. It is common for people to disappoint their parents, and I know of more than one person who has been deemed crazy by society for being true to themselves.

I keep seeking approval and acceptance from others because I don't have it for myself. Then, I think in terms of some analogies... My messy home, which I may not have shared my liberation concerning, yet, so the analogy is missing the other piece. I was questing to make my home clean and inviting for people, and I rearranged my living/dining area the other day during a revelation that my living/dining area were so sterile. I wanted to avoid mess and avoid opportunities for mess, so it was stripped of everything that might make it less inviting. Once I decided to make my home look more like a home, with touches of humanness and warmth, the whole thing just "rushed" into flow-mode. I just birthed an inviting home, after at least a year of pregnancy on the whole thing. I guess a warm and inviting home were incubating :)) Anyway, so now I don't care if my house is messy or dirty or clean or what -- it is inviting all over the place :) As it turns out, it wasn't the objective "messiness" or not of my home -- it was an inner acceptance that I couldn't find or manifest.

Now, me. I have been being a watered down and censored version of myself, a sterile me, with hopes of being inviting. Living with this wild hair for a week (think white person afro/Einstein), shamelessly untamed and exquisitely vulnerable-leaving for me... well, it has been a daring test of acceptance in the world, as I have ventured out to run various errands. And I was constantly reminded that people were much more comfortable with me if I was okay with myself. If my head was high and I bore the stride and smile of someone warm and confident, people were at ease. And the ones who didn't get it would never get it, and I didn't need them to. Because if I am good, then I am good. That's as good as it gets!

So, I have realized that this sterile version of me who is nice and appropriate and genteel and ordinary and not-drawing-attention-to-myself is... the cause of my own dis-ease. Fuggetaboutit. If I am going to REALLY be warm and inviting of people, I need to be accented with humannness and warmth, and the rest will rush and flow!!!!

Of course I have not been able to accept myself. I haven't been BEing myself. I have been trying to be what others want me to be. I have been trying to be peaceful and likeable and subtle. I am loud and vibrant and bold and brilliant.

As I am writing this, I am remembering why I tempered all of that... I didn't know how to be warm and kind and connective during it. YAY for being able to shake off outdated fears about offending people in a bad way.YAY for knowing that if I am living aligned with my truth that if I do offend anyone, that's only because of their own journey, not because of mine. I am finally confident in what I stand for (mostly that I am okay with being bold and making "mistakes"), and I am finally ready to plant and grow the seeds of substance that I have been collecting throughout my life. I'm ready to grow and live in this garden of self and life. Indeed, I am bursting with liberation and freedom and exploration and adventure. What a limitless opportunity to create!

I am just shaking with excitement about the self-acceptance I will feel from living boldly by my self-formulated truths, from creating and crafting and growing and changing and bursting over and over! I am thrilled to be ready to leave begging-for-your-acceptance-relationships where they are so I can spend my energy barefoot dancing... and knowing deep down that this is actually the key to getting their acceptance, because they love me and when I am loving myself, they won't be able to resist me! I am going to start doing so many things. I am finally ready to marry myself, to commit to honor and love myself forever through everything, regardless. Honor myself? Wow. That's a biggy, right? What would honoring myself look like? Maybe this blog post is more about honoring myself than accepting myself (which was rooted in The Work)? It is easy for me to honor others, but I have yet to shine that mirror onto myself <3 I'll let you know how that goes :)))

I am finally ready to throw caution into the wind and live wildly and beautifully and unsafely. Who wants to live in ideal condition forever? Oh, not me.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW-- What a Ride!"

Yeh, that sounds like current me. I am a wild woman.

And I have been thinking about changing my name legally to "wild artful tribal zen" hahahaha Who knows if that will come to be, but it seems to suite me so perfectly. And then my name would be wild zen. Okay, well, it is going to be on facebook. Gonna go change that asap. Who cares about long-lost friends being able to find me? LOL

Alright, enough of this train of thought here :)) I will probably be back with some more refined version at a later date :)))

Wildly, artfully, tribally, zen