...to turn back now.
With a big gigantic world out there and all this research I have been doing, these walls around me feel really ridiculous.
This location now feels so small to me, and things that used to feel like barriers now feel like pebbles.
Sometimes people say that if you aren't happy where you are, that you will never be happy elsewhere, but I have to disagree for myself. If I am unhappy, it is a signal that something needs to change, and sometimes that change is inside and sometimes that change is outside.
Sometimes people want to pad my possible disappointment and so tell me not to count on this big change to be the cure to what is ailing me. I say, following my heart wherever it will lead me is always the cure to what is ailing me. I have been afraid to count on this movement to be the healing, in case this stuff follows me, but I have decided that I am going to count on it. Mostly because I believe that the Law of Attraction will manifest whatever I believe into my life. And partly because "why the heck NOT believe it?" I chose to believe in unicorns. Who says they don't exist? Maybe it isn't finding the unicorn that actually heals, but the believing?
I am excited about designing my life in all new ways. Last night, I wrote in my journal, "One of my favorites about nomadic living is the repeated opportunities to practice reinventing myself :) Or re-embracing myself ♥ I want to be unapologetic ♥" (yes, I write hearts and smiley faces in my journal :)))))
A fresh slate sound so delicious to me right now. So does a deep soulful retreat. I need some deep cleaning and some new growth. It is time.
In fact, I am constantly cycling through this need for deep cleaning and new growth, so instead I am going to say "It is time for what is now coming."
As I make big big BIG room in my life for this new lifestyle, what am I going to let go of? What am I going to lay to rest or leave behind? As I let go of this current world where I and it have mutually defined me, who will I be when I have a clean canvas to paint on and limitless colors to chose from? Who will I someday come back here as, to visit someday? Who will I find myself to be out on the open road, in the contexts of a million different cultures and experiences and connections and jaw-dropping views? What bits of me will find validation, truth, death?
What about this amazing experience for my children? How will this impact them? Who will they find themselves to be on the open road, and how will they grow that person into a life someday?
I am excited to be open to how these answers will find us on this journey, both on the road and in life. I have some peeks, but I know that I have no idea. It is going to be way grander than I could ever imagine from this limited vantage point. But from the opening around the corner from this cave, where I can see the big gigantic world that is beckoning me, it sure looks full of magnificent promises. I am walking toward the opening, and I look forward to being out of here and into the big open world ♥
I am excited about leaving all this stuff behind, picking my favorites, and bringing them into our new world. I am excited about all the abundance our life is going to envelop and exude. I am excited about the impermanence before us and my feelings toward perfection.
I have been entertaining the idea that I am okay with leaving things behind that will make me sad, even though ideally, I would have wanted this to be perfectly easy to move on from. And I am okay with knowing that I can't do everything. How liberating! I can't do everything.
I am okay with things not being perfect (more on that in a later post). Things aren't perfect now, so why should "perfect" stop me from living imperfection against a different backdrop of my life?
I am okay with beloveds not understanding, and even with them being concerned and maybe a tad worried. That is their journey. Hopefully they find peace <3 Honestly, my journey is my concern, and right now, I'm concerned and a tad worried about the state of my current life, and I need to follow my bliss. It would be lovely if they could support that <3 And it will still be lovely if they don't ♥
This is just so right for us.
You know what I find funny sometimes? When a child scratched their knee doing something, and someone says something to the effect of, "Aww, you shouldn't have been doing that, huh?" or "You won't do that again, huh?" ............ Hmmm..... Not my style. Getting hurt is often the result of risk -- does that mean we should life minimizing risk? Does that mean that we shouldn't jump back out there and possibly get a skinned knee again? Or worse? Does getting hurt inherently mean that we should not do something? And does staying "here" mean no hurt will come to us?
Well, I am okay with going out there and getting hurt. It's no different than staying here and getting hurt, except we will have a better view. And we will have, at least, tried to fix the dis-ease that engulfs us sometimes.
Oh, yes, there is no turning back :)))
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