My dis-ease is commonly referred to as depression. I don't suffer from depression. Firstly, I don't suffer (unless I have the nagging feeling that someone feels I should be doing something other than hybernating, in which case the guilt inside me sometimes feels like suffering). And secondly, what I am experiencing is not something to clinicize and medicate or whatnot. Yes, there is a remedy for it, and that has always been to follow what my insides are calling for, be that deep dark quiet inner work, or climbing under the blankets and not coming out for a week, or searching for joy through connections with fellow soulful kindreds. I have found more relief from following where my "depression" is taking me than from resisting it. And I have learned more about myself from those times than from any other in my life. Usually it stems from a kind of learned helplessness in my life. Often creative movement (inside or outside) of some sort remedies that hopelessness when I am ready for the shift. Like most things in my life, I have not sought "expert" help in my journey -- I had no interest in a label that would be my crutch when I was younger, and by the time I realized I was strong enough to handle this, I also realized what blessing this time spent was.
I think we live in a society that values extroversion over introversion, so we aren't socialized to value people drawing into holes and finding healing and growth. And I think that this society is often the reason we need healing in the first place -- be it how we teach the parents to treat their children, or disconnect completely from what is earthy and feminine, or impose "bigger" and "better" and "more" upon the embodiment of all that is reverent in our hearts ♥ This has been my experience anyway, and I know that what makes each of us feel helpless is different. SO...
Having said all of that, taking my life on the road will provide remedy to a few things. I crave movement. I used to think it was that I was runniing from something, and I tried to dig up what it was that I was running from. Now, I feel I have laid the details of my past to rest -- I am at peace with it, and I just need to flow like the water I am. A nomadic lifestyle will provide this
The other part of my life that will find healing is the close proximity. The funny part is that people's first question is usually something to the effect of "Won't that be uncomfortable to have so many people in such a small space?" They must not know me :)) But I can't be mad -- it took me some reflection to realize this about myself, too, and in this "bigger = better" society, of course that would be the first question! :))
I love small intimate spaces. I am SUCH a radical minimalist, you can only begin to imagine. In fact, I am specifically chosing a smaller RV than some bigger spaces. I am looking forward to cleaning the entire place in the time it currently takes me to sweep and mop the floor. I am looking forward to my "dirtiness limit" getting hit (because we are in such a small space) before I have a 2-day project ahead of me. I am looking forward to having so little stuff to clean and organize, looking forward to the bulk of our "mess-desiring" to happen outside in nature. It will feel so healing to me to have such a small space to be responsible for. Having said that, most of the space in the RV will be for the kids, because I want them to be able to keep the things they are not ready to get rid of right now.
I am excited about living aligned with my super simple self :))
So, I guess to put it simply: I feel like the weight of this stagnant unauthentic life is what is ailing me, and the remedy will be to follow my minimalist gypsy heart.
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