1 year ago, I shaved my head

Hello, my love!!

I was feeling inspired by this post by Tara Wagner, so I wanted to revisit my journey to shaving my head a year ago, how it all worked out, and where I am at with it now...

Soon after I shaved my head, I wrote this blog post love story about an Amazon Warrior Monk Rockstar :)

The most incredible experience

When I listened to Tara's video, some of the things she mentioned that I remembered were how liberating and enlightening the experience was. I felt so radiant. I felt my light shining out. It felt like it was pouring out of my head.

It felt euphoric for a couple weeks, and then it was so comfortable. Unlike Tara, I absolutely loved looking at myself in the mirror. I had never felt more naturally beautiful. Catching myself in a mirror or a window reflection brightened my day.

The feedback I got about it was very much a reflection to how I was feeling about all of it. At first, I was hesitant to how people were going to understand me, and people seemed just as hesitant as I was. When I felt gorgeous, people told me I was, even if it was just with a smile.

The craziest response I go was from my beloved mother, who really just never got it -- just a few weeks ago she told someone I did it because I had a breakdown. How funny. I guess I can embrace that, though - I surely was breaking some shit down in my life!!

I kept it shaved until February, when I gave in to the desires of my children and a guy I was dating, who wanted me to grow it out. I loved watching it grow. Each new quarter of an inch was my new favorite hair length :))

What had started out as an experience became more about a hairstyle.

I will be honest, I miss having a shaved head. I miss the simplicity. I miss how radiant I always felt.

I always loved my curls, and I loved my shaved head, but now that my hair has gotten longer, I am not digging this middle length. I miss how simply radiant I looked with my shaved head. Now, I feel like my beauty and radiance is complicated by my hair.

I got my first haircut by someone else (in 17 years) a few weeks ago. A woman with curly hair like mine, whose hair shape I really liked. I trusted her, and I was pleased with the result. I went from looking Bozo-the-clown-esque to my hair being lighter, my head looking less... big.

I don't have any pictures. I haven't really wanted to take any of me recently. I don't know why, but I am not questioning it. Just going with it.

Here is one of my last pictures...

How about this? :)

I have had quite a hair journey in my life, such delicious contrasts and extremes :))

I foresee purple curls in my future. Just sayin' ;)

I would love to kind of recap what it was I remember learning from the experience...

I remember, loud and clear, that I suddenly KNEW that someone's reaction to me was all about them and nothing about me. I was just an opportunity to reflect something back to a person.

I was suddenly very clear that someone's approval or disapproval of me had nothing to do with me. I cannot begin to explain how profound that realization was for me. I was one of the biggest people-pleasers EVER. OH, the extents I went to. How I bent myself in ways that were not about being ME.

That was one of the most delicious goodies I received from the experience.

Another has been "shaving" other areas of my life.

I am pretty positive that shaving my head was a catalyst to "shaving" stuff from my life, to putting the rest of the bit of stuff I own into storage and living comfortably in my van.

I recently told a friend that I had gotten into the RV with the intention of living simplicity and joy, but me being me, I had to take it to a radical level. It's how I roll. I am starting to just go with it and not be so surprised by it.

IT is kind of like my unassisted birth -- on one hand, I wanna yell from the top of a mountain that I FREAKIN DID IT! And on the other hand, it just feels so normal and "Of course I did."

When I talk to more mainstream folks is when I feel like giving myself ribbons for the cool shit I do. In fact, I have a blog post in the works, sharing some of the coolest things I am proud of doing :)

Does it count as brave if you were just nestled deep within and following your heart?

Does it count as brave if you just released your fear and just did what felt right, getting into step with trust?

I am sure there is so much more that I learned, both from the actual process of shaving my beloved curls off my head, and the living since. I am sure I have been changed in deep profound ways. I am sure it was a huge contributor to the peace and trust I feel in life today.

I can't think of anything else to share about it.

I do want to share, in anticipation of a question.... why I keep growing my hair out if I wasn't done having it shaved.

I see long curls in my life again. I see curls past my shoulders when I am in love with a life partner, and I am at peace with moving in that direction. I will always have the pictures to revisit my previous uber-empowering step in life.

The most delicious thing about life is that there is always a new uber-empowering, super radical, deeply moving experience to be had.

Being the wild woman that I am, I guess I keep people on their toes ;)

I love you.

Talk to me ♥

Can Santa Be Black?

Hello, Love *warm smile*

We are staying snug whilst enjoying this soul-delicious time of year. I wanted to get into the feel of the holiday here, so this is my gift to you today...

It is an excerpt from one of my favorite holiday poems, called Can Santa Be Black? I'm really excited to have found this at the perfect time of year to share it :)

Here is the link to the full poem. It starts with kids asking questions about Santa, and then this is Santa's reply back to their class:

Dear Mr. Slater, Dear Girls, Dear Boys,
Once a storywriter caught me bringing you toys.
The year he spied me opening my sack,
My skin was white, my boots were black.
You probably know how that story goes . . .
I laid a finger aside my nose?
All these years, needlessly,
That story worries children who don't have a chimney.
All year long I listen to the news,
Read people's thoughts, see people's views.
At the end of the year, when I see what's needed most,
I take that shape, like a Christmas ghost.
I can pass through keyholes, windows and locks,
Apartment buildings, hospitals, tents, and trailer lots.

 

One year I used a wheelchair in place of my sleigh,
Once I was blind and had to feel my way.
It's hard to understand when I don't leave a toy:
You can't unwrap a gift like hope or health or joy.
My skin has been black, white, yellow, red, brown;
My eyes have been slanted, crossed, and round.
Sometimes I have been a she:
All these things are a part of me.
You may not believe all this is true,
But that's okay, boys and girls, because . . .
I believe in you.

--- Copyright © B.J. Wrights

 

 

Oh, it brought tears to my eyes, again, even though I have read it a hundred times ♥

 

I think it may have extra feeling to it this year for us. We don't have the traditional home, and our holidays are lacking the twinkle of decorations that put us in the holiday spirit.

 

Also, we don't have room for toys. This year, I can't play Santa. I don't have the money or the space.

 

Last year, we were more down-and-out about all of this. Last year, the kids got toys from an incredible woman in the area who gifts homeless folks, and she went all out for my kids. My kids got presents from Kaelani, and they got presents from Brother Benos, and they got a present from our dear friends we were staying with, and they got a filled stocking from me, but where were their presents from Santa?

 

I hadn't anticipated the question, so I bumbled something about telling Santa to share their gifts with kids who weren't going to get any, because we were blessed to get so many from so many wonderful people in our life.

 

This year, I have a new perspective on this whole Santa thing....

 

It is part of that humble + blessed part of our life right now.

 

We are surrounded by the most close and loving people this winter. I feel like life is a big woolen hug.

 

This year, I am acutely aware that Santa is the spirit of these beautiful people who feel blessed to share with us. Santa is their love. Santa is their kindness and generosity. Santa is their darlinghearts and their service. Santa is their abundance and the overflow that they share.

 

Santa has already started to bring us gifts. And I never would have believed that I would find places in the van to squirrel them away :))

 

So, when the poem says,

I can pass through keyholes, windows and locks,
Apartment buildings, hospitals, tents, and trailer lots.

and it says

It's hard to understand when I don't leave a toy:
You can't unwrap a gift like hope or health or joy.

you probably understand why it makes me bawl like the sappy mama I am.

This is the season of giving, and I am learning so much about the gift of receiving. I have always been a giver, but it was just in the past month or 2 that I felt peace with receiving. I see the joy and blessings on the face and in the life of the giver. I feel more deeply connected to the person, and they to me.

It is a beautiful thing.

I think I am going to find a fun and creative way to decorate the van. I look forward to pulling out our winter holiday basket, touching our past, connecting to our traditions and the love that has gone into this holiday historically for us.

I am filled with so many stories that I would love to share with you. I am blessed to have a cup that runneth over, a cup that will spill into more blog posts love letters for you in the next couple weeks ♥

Until next time, stay warm and cozy, and soak this poem in, my love...



The Big Wrap-up

Hello, My love ♥

I want to tell you a story....

In mid-2011, I decided I was ready for some serious change in my life. I had sat in a house comfortable for long enough, I needed some adventure. So, I sold the belongings that filled my 3-bedroom townhouse, things I loved and things I was grateful to be clear of.

Also, I deeply renovated an old RV, learning as I went along. It started out as a paint job, until I started to find things and to dig deeper. I attempted to make it our home. It became the biggest project I have ever undertaken, and I did it day-in and day-out for 3 months.

In addition to being the mama I am to my children.

It was so much work, and it was a wild ride, an absolute roller coaster of being in the flow and often living so knocked out of alignment in so many ways.

It was a lot.

And I think it took me about a year to stop reeling.

I started 2012 off unsure and lost. I had no real direction.

The life I felt I had been promised via the blogs that had inspired me to make these steps in the first place, didn't pan out. I felt like an epic failure. I realized that I had manifested the most magnificent anti-climax of my life, to that point.

Still, I took things in stride. I focused on the positive. I had an incredible experience.

I found zen.

I lost it again.

I have found something greater.

I have recharged my batteries. Where last year I had no direction, this year, I am more than ready to make shit happen.

2012 was the year everything fell apart. It needed to. I was cracked open, and what I found inside was greater than any treasure I could have found on the path I had hoped to find on the road.

2013 is the year it is all going to fall into place. I have taken my reprieve. I have recharged my batteries. I have re-found trust that it all happens for the right reason - I have experienced that reason.

2013 is going to be an incredible year. I have been planning.

Not just dreaming but planning.

I have been entering things into a homemade planner and doing them. I have so much done and even more wonderful incredible things planned. I have the most amazing dreams.

This planner I speak of... I will share more in a later post.

So far, December has been about wrapping so many things up, preparing to start 2013 off with a BOOM! I am not waiting for the new year. I am working now, and looking forward to being in the groove for 2013, looking forward to freshness that happens with the new year, in a way that I didn't have it in me to do last year.

I am using Leonie's 2013 life planner and biz planner, and tweaking it to be my own. I can't wait to share more of it with you.

Right now, my gift to you is my enthusiasm, the witnessing of me revving my engines up.

Although, it feels more like packing my sacred knapsack and preparing for a long transformative and incredible journey of learning and living and experiencing and manifesting and sinking deeply into my shadowy cave when needed.

I have sacred medicine.

I want to share it with you. But I need to master practicing it first.

I know I am a shaman. I know I have so much medicine and divination to share with you.

I need to take on this vision quest, though. And I am blessed to have this medium to share it with you. And I am honored to come back and share my medicine with you when the time is right.

I love you ♥

What do you have in the mix for 2013? What are you wrapping up in 2012?

Brave Enough to be Voluntarily Homeless

Hmmmmm, what is a "home"?

[space to think before continuing]

I have written on this before. Today is similar, but much more...

For us, home is our van. And, yes, I mean literally. Our RV has become storage. We have chosen to live in our van. Last year, when we tried it but got frozen out, I dubbed it vanpacking -- it's like backpacking, but the van does all the work :)

I kinda love it.

Most people will not get it. That's okay ♥ I am not speaking to them. I'm speaking to you, the gypsy-at-heart, the radical minimalist, the serious out-of-the-box thinker.

Our simple life

Can you do it?

Can you step away from the chatter in your head and the conditioned fear and resistance, and glimpse the beauty, the joy, the connection, the delicious simplicity, the reprieve?

Mmmmm, yes. There it is.

The thick condensation on the window is distorting the colored lights that surround the dark parking lot, creating a muddled watercolor painting on an illuminated wall.

I breathe, soaking it in.

Beauty. Peace. Simplicity.

A treasure.

Gratitude.

Sink deeper into my moment.

I breathe and it makes me smile :)

Soft sweet dreads in my nose smell of the memory of a long delicious day of swimming, the freshness of the shower that resulted, and that crisp easy feeling afterward of a day well-spent & a sleepy body.

Still breathing.

Mmm. The sweet dreads & mingling scent of freshly laundered sheets. How easy it is so keep everything clean, when the lot of what we have is so simple and tending to it & the simple needs of our life encompasses the bulk of our life.

Just the way I wanted it.

Fresh sheets, fresh dreads, a family of 4 cuddling like sardines in a warm cozy bed.

Isn't this what life is all about?

It is. It really is.


We live in a beautiful, kind, green, enlightened, artful, kick-back, beachy community.

5 big differences about living in your van vs. a house:

• we retire after a long day to the bed in the back of the van, rather than a building
• we are in our community & visiting beloveds much more often
• we don't cook or wash dishes, and we clean our home while parked next to a playground
• we drive somewhere to pee (or park near a restroom)
• we don't have company over often

My kids each have their own little space and a bag or 2 or more (oldest child) of toys, books, drawing utensils, technology, and the like.

We have the means to charge stuff in the van, but don't need to often. We frequent the library almost daily, and our sleep rhythms are very in tune with the nature so close to our lives.

When we need downtime, we cozy into the privacy of our van parked near free wifi and watch Netflix, draw, read, write. Sometimes, after the babies have fallen asleep, my oldest and I will drive down to the beach and talk in the dark, looking out over the still black water and the white waves rolling in.

The little ones love to jump on the bed, wrestle, wrap themselves up in the blankets, build forts in the back. So many aspects of life no different than if we were in a house.

On Halloween, my son knew so many kids (and parents) we encountered downtown, from our days at the library or the parks we frequent, that he said it was the best Halloween ever!

Everyday, people compliment me on how incredible he is & fun to talk with. Not to mention adorable.

Each of my kids are adored by so many regulars in our life, who fill or hearts & lives with their blessings.

Most days, we eat fresh, mainly organic & raw foods. Salads, wraps, fruits & veggies from Whole Foods & Trader Joes, or day-old pastries from Starbucks, donated to our local community resource center, where we spend most mornings of the week awaiting our daily rations and hanging out with some interesting, kind, & incredible people in similar situations and all walks of life, who adore my kids and me, and we them. Good people. Soul-delicious company.

I have been told that a couple of really sweet and wonderful people lit up & seemed to come alive when my kids and I rolled into town a couple months ago. Just as we lit up when they came into our life, too.

It rained last week. We were dry, but I wondered for some of my friends, who have less shelter than we do. I often find myself wondering how I can continue to connect and be involved in this community once our life shifts and is ready for something different. I think about what I can do now. I think I might be doing it. Or at least a bit of it.

This area makes for amazing people, regardless of their house-status.

A few evenings a week we enjoy hot dinners with our friends and fun, positive, church-folk who serve home-made delicious meals, warm eyes & smiles, and no side of religion forced down our throats. Bonus: we usually leave with a to-go box!

Our meager monthly income can be alloted in a way that feels satisfying to my simple self. We pay our bills (cell, YMCA membership, Netflix) with ease. I can finally afford to buy a few things for my kids and myself each month. Laundry. Water. Gas.

That's about it.

We are house-free. Structure free.

Not because we wanted a cheaper lifestyle - I do not believe any of this has been cheaper than the house we last lived in - but because it felt right to move into our RV, and then it felt right to call the van homebase.

"Gypsy Goddess - Everywhere she goes, she is home. Her heart sings the song of the world..." - Leonie Dawson

Like when I shaved my head last winter and felt radiant and sexy, an Amazon warrior monk. A cleansing. Learning. Being in new ways.

This is like shaving the hair off my life. I feel radiant and light and easy. I feel grounded and flowing.

Got rid of the excess, the mask, the distractions from the essence. Now, I know what life is, what it's all about.

Our life is aligned with our values.
We thrive.
We are close & connected.
We eat healthy & move our bodies often.
We sleep cozily.
We clean & align our bodies & and our van-home daily...ish :)
We are more closely synced with nature.
We know our community intimately.
We are humble & blessed.
Our basic needs are better tended to.

And when life is this simple, I have less worries & more appreciation.

Vast open spaces for big dreaming + wild creating, reading, journalling the depths of my soul, seeing the connection between the moments of my life and the sacred & divine. Life has slowed down like slow-motion in a movie. There is depth, such depth.

Quality time with my kids is embedded in our life & woven into the tapestry of my day, alongside watching the little ones play & grow friendships & adoration for friends of all ages, and being RIGHT THERE when my oldest draws her newest picture or perfects the singing of a song or finds a new series on Netflix that she wants to devour or wants to share her latest life realization.

We are dry. We are warm. We are safe. We are clean. We are healthy. We are happy. We are connected - to each other & ourselves, and our community & friendships.

That is so what life is all about.

We live in our van. And we are living the life.