A Beginners Listening

"You have the right to be a beginner. Where you are at is exactly where you are supposed to be in your journey." - my friend to her daughter, spoken so eloquently that it has been ringing in my head, heart, and soul for over a week now.

I just love the healing that comes to me when I listen.

Especially when the listening is to my oldest daughter, who so closely mirrors so many of my own struggles.

She was struggling with a performing arts class that she was taking, feeling awkward and inadequate and out of her element, and it suddenly struck me that she was in the novice stage, which is not something she is used to experiencing.

She is a lot like me, where we jump into things and pick them up so fast that we are almost instant masters. But in this case, she wasn't.

In business, and self-kindness, and finances, I am not. What I am is a struggling beginner. Every step that I take is chocked full of learning with a heavy dose of reflection on a hurtful or absent past in these areas.

I am really really good at sitting and planning and soaking in the dreaming part, so I tried something different with my business and pushed some doing into my path.

The results are still foggy. It felt good to finish something, even just one piece of a package. I was still lost on promoting it, and now I have scrapped the whole thing and am starting afresh. Again.

Oh, me. *self chuckle*

I am back to listening again. Because I felt lost.

I can't be lost when I listen and follow my inside voice, though.

So, here I am.

Wondering if I am just not ready to be that far in my business yet.

I feel like I did when I used to have to write papers for professors. Draft after draft, trying to perfect it, then suddenly scrapping it and rewriting the whole thing so I can be done by the deadline (or just after it, as the case may be).

Only, this time, I have no professor, no deadline, no limit to my ability to perfect it.

Each time I scrap it and start over, I feel like I am peeling back another layer to how I really feel on the topic and what it is I really want to share.

It is so stankin simple to me. Is it practical to sell a whole e-book with just a couple questions in it?

I think it is meant to be an e-course, where it is more about the reader's journey, than all the things I have to say about it. And it is meant to be a unique journey, which can be a challenge when writing an e-book for everyone.

I think part of my journey right now is still wondering what my message is. I feel like a jack of all trades but a master at none. I can't narrow it down to one essential message that everything grows from. I have a feeling it is like a fish looking for water.

So, instead of feeling lost from searching with my head, I am going to step back, listen, follow, and trust that it will unfold.

I look forward to having help along the way. The chapter of wanting to do everything alone has come to a close.

I am done being a solitary and now am gathering my coven pack close.

So much is churning deep and heavy inside me. It is my Taurus moon, earthy emotions in my dark of the moon right now. Meanwhile, my light and flowy Pisces sun is just floating down the river without a care in mind. It is such an interesting and perplexing dichotomy.

I am pretty sure the churning involves money, livelihood, home, love, and sacred. Just those little things -- ha!

Even more pretty sure that this churning is winter + composty, and that Spring will bring a rebirth.

It is not even National Gratitude Day, yet, and I am already looking forward to a Yule ceremony of casting off the things that no longer serve a purpose in our life.

Normally, I would say "Why wait?" but I think my insides and the planet's outsides have truly synced. I feel like I will be perfectly ready when the 22nd of next month comes.

I have about a month to continue this churning, to reflect on what works and what doesn't, to make some decisions, to converse with my oldest about where to travel next in life, and start keeping an eye out for a place we might want to really grow our roots.

Lots to listen to.

Also, I want to listen to me more. My style. I still do a lot of "shoulds" about how I write, what I write about.

I don't share the dark murky shadow place that I glean most of my delicious insight from. I just share the end result, the wisdom I bring back, the jewels.

I want to get real here.

And I want to draw and paint.

I love writing as creative expression, and I love crafting. But I look forward to a bit more process, and a bit less product.

Art journalling. Full Moleskin journals. *soulgasm*

This blog will probably get a bit more edgy. I have tried to not offend anyone in my life for so long, tried to appeal to everyone possible and be inclusive. I don't know if I have been trained to be "nice" so very well, or if I just need to re-evaluate what being love + kindness means to authenticity.

Because sometimes, it has been at the expense of my own sacred voice.

My mom practiced Witchcraft powerfully for as long as I can remember. I learned early to keep the secrets that society didn't understand to myself.

As I reconnect more with my sacred, I will speak more on the Pagan callings of my heart. A space I have hidden and been disconnected from.

This space is so deliciously shifting. In reflection to my own life. In the manifestations of my intentions.

I hope to be here more often.

I hope to have plenty of interesting stuff to say.

I hope to get back into the "blog" writing way of thinking as I go through my day, so I can gather more delicious jewels to share with you here.

I love you. So very much.

And I am so thankful to have you here, reading the words of my heart.

In Gratitude.

Yummy Yummy Life

Yes, it is THAT yummy.

Hello, my love *this is where I would enter a script-heart if my blog didn't think it was a messed up HTML code*

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, how I have missed connecting with you.

I have so much deliciousness to share.

Life is bountiful and simple and sacred and full of space for dreaming and fantasy planning and real planning and allowing things to unfold as I take one perfect aligned and delicious step at a time.

I have been thick in creation-mode, even though the laptop gods saw fit to make me take a break from mine for almost a month (I am on a brand new one right now that I ADORE). I have been thinking in imagination flow about how I want to wrap up my Whole Family Learning e-package (formerly known as Growing a Whole Child), and how I am going to completely revamp my A Powerful Birth e-package (formerly known as just Powerful Birth - I like the shift an A brings).

I have been even thicker in information inputting, reflecting, and soaking the good stuff in. I just knew Pixie Campbell would have some medicine for my soul, so I started reading her blog from the beginning (I am about 3 years in now), sorting through it with a fine toothed comb, journal ready, pen in hand. Oh, such delicious healing. And arrows to my new steps in life.

Visions flowing out of me. I used to dream my visions for the future, and now they flow out of me while I am awake. I know I am channeling. They way it flows out astounds me, and I LOVE what I see and the internal healing that ensues, knowing the limitless possibilities of time means that I can bathe in the future "fixes" by feeling the healing today. I am feeling more connected to my destined role of medicine woman, shaman, inner journey woman, fearless shadow visitor, storyteller, story re-interpreter.

And then there is the life experiencing. Feeling so very aligned, releasing fear and control, opening up to humble blessings, and enjoying the results. So clear. So delicious. So chocked full of learning.

We have brought life down to the most basic for the winter, so I can focus my energy on the deep healing and planting I do during this time.

Creating wide open spaces for growing new things. Products galore. Sacred sisterhood circles. Financial reprieve to set us up for a successful new year.

I was feeling scared, and I was feeling alone, and I was feeling drawn away from the nomad life. And then I had a huge epiphany. The epiphany was that this last year has been so stressful because I am used to jumping into things and being an instant master, but I am not used to being such an awkward learner, and this has been some serious learning.

Once I realized that the sky opened up and the universe shone down upon me. There wasn't something wrong with me. I was just learning. I was a novice. It wasn't coming naturally to me. It was completely new and different.

And this wasn't the first time. There NEVER was something wrong with me. I was always just on a learning journey.

And suddenly I realized that the super hard, overwhelming, "I can't take this" was a transition, like in birth (when the mama suddenly thinks it is too much and she can't take it and she can't do it), on the precipus of something epic and huge and incredible. If I had stopped when it got hard, if I had backed away, I would have missed the ginormous lesson, the opportunity to rebirth my life with this new understanding and sense of capability and limitless possibility, or to be reborn through my experience.

And now life. Ah, life. Yummy yummy life.

Living the simple. Experiencing the abundant. Loving the BEing.

Vanpacking. We are up to it again. Must be something about this time of year.

We had talk of selling the RV. On Facebook, I wrote, "I don't know where we are headed, but i know this: I create miracles, and we manifest incredible life experiences. I take leaps of faith, and nets appear. So, I'm going with that :)"

I want to live a life that grows from inspiration and brilliant zinging bliss, and I was feeling so stuck with the RV and so out of alignment. So, as we prepped it to put into storage yesterday, and it was empty and clean, I realized how much I really really love it. It is boondocking that leaves me feeling ick, not our beloved Gypsy Goddess. I want to keep her. So, we are going to put her in storage, to keep her safe from the registration-enforcers, and grow my income, so we can get her all legit, find a cozy spot to call home, and enjoy life. 

I look forward to having a nice monthly spot that we love that is close to Kass' fabulous school in the incredible city we are so blessed to call home right now. And I look forward to tempering that with some deep serious travelling in the summer. My gypsy blood is itching.

I can't give up this life yet - I haven't even travelled yet!!! LOL 

So, we are looking to find a delicious combination of local living and travel adventures. I want to steal away whenever Kass has a break from school. (Thankfully, she only goes 2 days a week, so a "week" off school, is actually closer to 2 weeks.)

The missing link between here and there is just money. Well, maybe a bit of sisterhood, too.

So, I have been prepping my soil, especially most recently, and I am gearing up to ease into this new journey.

Which reminds me of another piece of my patchwork path of learning. Previously, I lept into new experiences. I would make a mad dash for the finish line. I tried to skip the awkward learning phases.

I had a vision recently, where I envisioned myself in a new foreign city. My first inclination is to rush through, to fly past the discomfort in my gut. And I realized that once my babies are old enough to be okay without me for a week, I need to take a retreat to India alone. I need to practice moving slowly in a new place, by myself, so I can really focus on my internals during the process. And I want to stay in an ashram, so I can sink into some soul work during the journey.

Well, during this money and sisterhood learning, I am going to sink deeply and slowly. I have learned so much about leaning into learning, and I have been dabbling in quickness. But quick-fix is not going to work at this next step. Once I have my grounding, my footing I hope I can start leaping and flying and such. But for now, the naturally-embedded detours and early learning should be sufficient challenge :)

Well, my love. I am sure there is a whole heckavalot more I could share, but for now, this feels full.

I love you.

Thank you for being patient with my blog & biz learning, and thank you for being with me as I fumble, burst, laugh, cry, love, connect, give.

So blessed to have you by my side ♥

Will you gift me with a precious jewel from your treasure trove of money and sisterhood (comment below)? I would love to sit with it and soak in its medicine as I take in these next few steps of my journey.

I love you.

Have I told you recently how much I love you?

This reminds me of us. Maybe a whole orchard of these. Found it here.

All my love,