on healing

Hello, Loves ♥

The last few weeks have been a special kind of magic.

It started off really hard. And there are times when I still get really angry about the injustice of it all.

But we returned to our old community, and the deep thorough healing began.

Healing begins with creating space for it.

And surrounding oneself with an environment that supports + facilitates healing.

And being in our old space did just that.

Seeing my kids in their old parks and other hangouts.

It's like we slid into an old familiar groove. A groove of a life we loved.

Like training wheels.

Bumpers on either side of balance, to keep us closer to center.

Bringing us back to our path, back to a place we can regrow from.

And it brought on the healing. The crying into the arms of loved ones, the peace and the feeling of safety, the ability to sink deeply into this bliss, the releasing, and the space to effortlessly maintain all of it. This is just what the Divine Mother ordered ♥

It brought us back from that *other* life we were stuck in. And reminded us of Who We Are and how we roll.

For the first week here, I could barely breathe for the fear and stress. I knew I needed instant healing, but I couldn't figure out how to get there. I felt stuck in loops that always took me *there*.

My kids and I ended up going to a family yoga class (which was AWESOME),

and the guided meditation at the end hit home. I sunk into the groundedness and alignment, finally felt true om, and then refused to allow myself to rise from that place for any call.

And that was when it hit me that it was anxiety that I was needing instant healing from. And now that I am sunk deeply in this space of deep knowing, far from the seduction of perpetuating anxiety, I have opened up, unfolded, into this space of being okay.

Like I said, I still have moments where I get upset. Usually it is triggered by a tough moment that rings of "not fair", and I am learning how to navigate that, too.

But now I am in a space where I can.

I find healing in reevaluating my beliefs and seeing if I still believe in them, and how.

I find healing in assimilating the new beliefs I have found through all of this. And I look forward to being able to share those things, in a blog post or an e-book, or who knows what.

My journey seems to have led me to an opportunity to learn how to navigate this:

And not just in this specific experience, but maybe in the macrocosm of my life.

I have learned that for true deep healing to happen, I need to leave some things in my mind alone, until a later date when I can explore and understand them better. And to just be here and now. To experience the fullness that comes in caring for my children in the amazing ways I do.

I took a sabbatical from thinking about the technical parts of all of this, and decided to just sink into my beautiful life.

And it IS a beautiful life.

In the beginning, I would have surreal moments where I would be blown away thinking, "How could ANYONE think this is not enough?"

I remember when the kids were gone and I was struggling with the case worker presenting our life to the judge in such a way that I was thinking, "My kids have had rich depth experiences that many adults don't get to experience, much less children of a single mother. How many children of single mom's in this community will get to see and do all that my children have? And how can they not see the value in that?"

And now we get to just live it. Without fear (mostly). Now, we get to just live by our own measures.

And I can bask in the moments of bliss and richness that are strung across our day like prayer flags.



Exploring tide pools



Reading about tide pools at the library, with a rock that we found on the shore of the tide pools

How can anyone think my children are not being educated, taken care of, or prepared for life is beyond me.

Thankfully, my job not to understand them. It gets to be to just to keep living it.

One so super-blessed mama,

p.s. - I have some awesome new products and services coming out - some that have grown from this messed up experience. Like a whole e-book on healing practices. Stay tuned for details ♥

on losing my faith

Darling ♥

I knew that once the dam was open, it all would come flowing out.

There are so many layers and threads, so many pieces to the nightmare we just woke up from.

One of the over-arching issues during my children's forced separation is how it blew my faith off my map.

My faith revolved around trusting that I can handle anything if I live my values.

I have heard the term "losing my religion" and I know of people who had that happen during traumatic experiences, and it totally happened to me.

I didn't want it to.

I wanted to sink deeper in my trust. I wanted my faith to guide me.

I did in the beginning.

I tried to be love, and I tried to open up to trust in the Divine Plan, and I tried to find the blessings and the lessons.

But I was angry.

I felt betrayed by my faith that everything in life happened for a reason, that we manifested the experiences we had in life in some way, that if I was a good, honest, loving person that the people who needed to see it would and we would always be okay.

I was calling bullshit.

Because apparently, some wild card can be thrown at any time in the game. Apparently, shit can just get crazy even when dedicatedly-good people don't f*cking deserve it.

And you know what, fate - eff you. I don't want to sign up for your shit anymore. You can keep my effing greatness, and just give me a simple life somewhere safe with my kids. I forfeit my greatness. Get someone else for the job. I don't want to do this anymore.

That is how I felt during all of it, even as I knew I would be okay when my family was reunited I am fine with my destiny. This IS what I signed up for. Apparently, sometimes it will really suck so bad for longer periods of time than I could imagine is fair or necessary, but I can do this, and it IS my honor and pleasure to allow this to open me up to my calling to serve sisters and brothers in their journeys on this earth ♥

But it is a hard pill to swallow, and I wasn't always in that zone.

I was being called to a different guide. I was being called to save that stuff for later down the line, and just be right here right now.

I was in the grit of life, and I was meant to be here.

So where was here? Every fiber of my being screamed that this situation was unnatural and oh so very wrong, and I was not meant to run from it to feel happier or be more okay with all of it.

I was meant to not be okay with it.

I was meant to be angry. Feel furious. Express rage.

I felt a burning in my belly, and I left it there. Instead of racing up the emotional ladder to escape those feelings, I sat with them and tried to learn how to live with a fire in my belly.

It was a fire in the darkness, but not the kind of light that I was used to.

I cursed the Divine Weaver, the divine plan, for putting us through this. I cursed the sky and the earth. I felt fury at everyone who had ever wrong me.

I let it sit in my belly, alive, not buried under a volcano or exorcised through the meridian system.

I allowed myself to feel it and to come back to it, to be devastated by it, to cry over it.

I didn't know how to be that way.

That wasn't me. Before, I couldn't hold a grudge to save my life.

This was different.

This wasn't about holding a grudge. This felt like being real. A deeper peace within with the dark muck, and the flames that lick away the illusions.

I wasn't being called to share love and light and trust. I was being called to be gritty.

A new balance between the old me and this new thing. A new me.

I feel more deeply integrated with the wild.

I feel like a wolf.

At the same time I was losing my faith and cursing the fates, I was sinking deeper into my primal calling.

My beloved brother sent me this, and it became my anchor in a safe harbor. Finally, I could invest my trust somewhere.

I know that my faith has shifted.

I used to reach upward and draw the divine down. During this ordeal, I only felt safe drawing on my own soul's wisdom. And now, I am just staying close to home to find what I need - the familiar cozy blanket of community, earth, and moon.

I think the Universe and Fate understand that I am licking my wounds right now and will be back again once I find healing and peace.

In the meantime, I welcome the opportunity to deepen relationship with the primitive aspects of my divine.

waking from a nightmare

My Loves ♥

I have been absent.

I have been fighting a big fight.

An hour after my last post about taking leaps of faith like a badass, CPS showed up at my friend's house, armed with allegations of medical neglect and a Sheriff, and took my kids.

I fought for 7 weeks to get them back, and now I have been fighting for the last week to recover from the experience.

Words cannot describe the hell I have been through, the trauma my children have been through, and I hope to be able to share more of it with you soon, when I can find the words, when reliving it to describe it doesn't leave me sobbing in a puddle on the ground.

It's a story that needs to be told.

What I can share is that after fighting tooth and nail for the truth to be revealed, my children were returned to me, the case dismissed, and we have no further CPS/court involvement.

Instantly. Like "poof".

Well, kinda like "poof", except for my family reeling in the aftermath.

That legal "poof" is incredibly rare. I owe the victory to Truth Revealed. And I feel like I live an epically charmed life for all of the blessings that fell into place to make this a reality. I had HUGE support from my Facetribe and a seriously dedicated team of magic-workers who helped plug me in to the resources that made this happen.

Not all families have that, and my heart breaks for them. I cannot imagine having gone through all of this without the constant ears and shoulders, encouragement, kindness, love, perspective, help, and ability to allocate such huge tasks that were set before me to such competent incredible beings.

I know this happened to me, to open me up to be more available to the families I look forward to serving.

This experience has transcended my life and my life purpose.

I hear I just leveled up.

A warrior forged by the fire of the phoenix.

Again.

Braver-er, wiser-er, heartier, take-no-bullshit-ier.

I broke. I was broken. I was shattered into heavy heavy pieces, trying to figure out how to live each moment.

I sunk deep. I tapped a deep inner source. A fire grew in my belly.

I touched the tangible primal inside me. I have raged against the night sky and in my mind and deep into the earth. I hear the primitive call of my tribe howling at the moon - my people calling for me. I feel the wild protector growing alive inside me. I feel my calling to not only help families design intentional lives but to help them prepare to protect it, because what is the point of a life intentionally designed if it can be ripped from you in a moment's notice for no good reason.

New lessons on being proactive and advocating for myself, when I used to cower. Love and kindness and peace are great, if they are a choice. But they are not powerful when they are a default of fear. And how can this be translated into helping my community?

Crystal clarity on relationships - specifically, the healthiness of certain relationships - in my life. And a "take no more shit" policy on people who mistook my kindness for weakness.

This warrior is what has transcended from the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. And there is more to me right now. I am bold, but I am also soft.

The trauma breaks my heart every day, and it sometimes cripples the empath in me. It takes some serious healing mojo to recover from something that big, especially when you feel like you have zapped your resources just to get through. How do you ask for more afterward?

But I must.

My children and I are free and clear, legally, but not emotionally or financially - our financial needs are overwhelming to me right now, after the financial waste of my resources CPS's hoops created for us. So, I set up a bit-o-fundraising, for beloveds and their beloveds who might have the heart and means to help heal us further.

This is me refusing to feel helpless in this destruction, refusing to sink into the depression of feeling "stuck" and "unable to..."


I look forward to offering my services again soon, to families, to mamas, to women, to brothers. Who could use an emotional midwife, a life design guide, a sacred mentor, and so much more.

I suspect, once I can taste my freedom, I will feel ready for that job again.

For now, what I am offering to my community is a legal service that is a buffet of legal equality, including the service that would have protected my family from the trauma of this experience. I am absolutely delighted to share this with my people, and if you want to know more about it, please feel free to contact me. This service is a win all around - it's an incredible company, offering an incredible service, to oh-so-deserving people ♥

This first post updating you all has been the hardest, and I am sure now that the dam has opened, the flow will come out easier ♥ I look forward to filling you in with the details as I can ♥