Creativity and Good Stuff All Over the Place

A couple days ago, we had a wild little day of creativity, productivity, fun, beauty, outdoors beautiful fresh air, and connection :)) My oldest and I were up early, so we decided to paint some furniture we had been rescuing and storing in our garage. I wish I had taken "before" pics (I always think of that after the fact!), because you would be so impressed by me :))

Lemme tell you a bit about why I loved this project....

First of all, this furniture was headed to the dump, and I love reviving life into things, so they can live longer :)))

Secondly, this is the first time I have painted furniture and my color palette is so bright and full of variety now, it was the perfect time in my life to start undertaking this project :))) Not to mention, I wasn't afraid of getting wild, after the bathroom turned out so good, so I had even more fun!

Thirdly, it got me and the kids outside (Kass and I painted out in front of the garage, while the babies climbed the tree across from us and played with skateboards and scooters and had a picnic -- fake food, gosh, they are so cute!).

Fourthly, Kass and I got to have fun talking (about anime, mostly) the whole time we were working :)))))) It is so wonderful to connect with her, especially when it means we have some time to ourselves while the babies are happy doing their own thing.

Fifthly, and not to say the least, my garage is now empty of all these items and my house looks even better (and I'm so proud of it!), and I felt SO productive, especially for being so early in the day!! :))

So, here are the "after" pics of the pieces :))

This piece was formerly a very ugly red stain with a big burn mark on the top and very dirty when we found it abandoned in front of someone's house who was moving. It's the piece we brought home and inspired us to get to work right away :))



Cute little drawer

This is my pride and joy! It was just a light colored wood missing most of it's finish and dirty and abandoned by the dumpsters where we live... And I am SO deeply in love with these rich and vibrant colors (especially purple!!!!), and I'm so proud of all the detailing :)))) In all honesty, I thought the dark purple was going to look different - I may spruce it up with some other color :))

This was an abandoned dresser (that I learned AFTER I painted the purple one that they are actually part of a set lol), missing the top drawer. I saw it as an entertainment center potential (I could put my tv on top, game systems in the missing slot, and movies in the drawers). It came out WAY better than I even imagined!!!!! I just love this dark earthy brown. It's called "burnt earth" or something like that, but it reminds me of rich soil :)))

There are 2 of these little tables, and they used to be a dark red stain, and they used to break (wood glue!), and now they are little tributes to the goddess :))) lol

Kass painted this part of the chair for me :))))

This (still unfinished) chair was rescued from the side of the dumpster in the rain. I saw it with just SO much potential. I rescued it to use as my crafting chair, and I am so excited about how crafty it looks :)) Honestly, the purple didn't come out the way I had hoped, and I am probably going to repaint it :/ Next to the vibrant plum box above, this color looks drab and together, they are an eye sore (and they go next to each other, so that will never work). But I loved the first draft!! :))



I was especially proud of how I did the legs, which apparently, didn't quite get captured in the pics. In the creases is the lighter purple - the dark purple is just brushed over the top. I like that dark purple, all things considered :)

We had a couple more pieces that aren't finished, so they will be in a future post :)

And I have to show my baby's contribution, after her brother had gone to sleep, and she wanted to accompany me out to do some finishing touches. She had a few finishing touches to do, herself :)

I can't tell if she loved painting or saying "cheese" for the camera more :))))

 I hope this gets your creative juices flowing :))))

5 Tips for a Mindful Marriage

And another guest post!!

5 Tips for a Mindful Marriage

Guest Blogger: Jessica Stilling is a freelance journalist who also writes on schooling online as well as taking classes online

So you still remember when the thought of that white dress made joyful butterflies bounce inside your stomach. You can still recall when dinner and a movie was the most passionate date on earth, but now, things are winding down. That honeymoon phase, the part before the kids became stressful and the job stepped in to take its proper place within the marriage, is coming to a close. This is a good thing, you’re not going to be living in fantasy love land forever and reality love land is just as enjoyable if you understand that reality love land is a different place from fantasy. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you exit that honeymoon phase and move on to the jobs and kids and school schedule phase of your journey together. I promise it will be just as good, if not better.

1. Take time to communicate. When you and your spouse are standing across the great divide that is your kitchen in the morning, take a few seconds to discuss each other’s days, plan your schedules, see what the other might want to grab for dinner or watch on TV. You don’t have to be planning a romantic night out or discussing all the problems of the world to catch a few moments of couple time.
2. Take time for yourself. Being a spouse and parent, an employee and a friend, or any of the other countless hats you wear, is going to take its toll. You have to learn to take time for yourself, even if it’s fifteen minutes after you get home from work before you start planning dinner. Take some time to reflect on your day on your own, this way you’ll be less stressed and more willing to deal with your family’s issues and your spouse’s needs.
3. Take time for your spouse. Just like you should take time for yourself, you should take time for your spouse as well. Ask him how his day was, see if he wants to make any interesting plans. Let your spouse know that you’re listening, because it’s only when you’re truly listening that he’ll be willing to open up.
4. Take time to cherish your family. Just like you need alone time and time with your spouse, your family will also bring you closer. Take time to watch the kids play on their floor if they’re very young, or go to your son’s basketball game together and have ice cream afterwards. This is the reason you’re together, this is what makes your life happy and so take time together to cherish it.
5. Take time to understand and appreciate each other’s uniqueness. You did not marry a clone of yourself, in fact if you had, you’d probably not get along very well. Your spouse has a unique self, a self that you fell in love with because he was not like any of the other people that you’d ever known. Take time to cherish and understand that uniqueness. Also, allow your partner to see and understand the uniqueness in you. Sometimes as that honeymoon phase ends and life becomes life, we forget all the wonderful reasons we’re together, the reasons that are still prevalent if we take the time to see them.

One thread moves throughout these suggestions, time. Sometimes as life throws us curveballs and that job starts to take up more of our time, we forget to make time for the things that are really important. We forget to see the family that is right in front of us, or the husband who is also lover and confident and friend. It’s when we move through life, getting things done for the sake of getting them done, that we miss out on so much. That is why the key to a mindful marriage is making time for the marriage.

Striking a Balance Between Being a Wife and a Student

Today, I would like to share a guest post that I thought would apply to you, my dear readers :)) I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

Striking Balance Between Being A Wife and A Student

Author Bio - Shayla Ebsen is a professional freelance writer specializing in online media. Before becoming a full-time freelancer, she worked as a radiology technician and also spent a stint as a sonogram tech

Attending college is one of the best things you can do to advance your career, earn a higher income, and increase your self-esteem. Because of these benefits, women are beginning to dominate the college scene.

However, many women attending college are met with the unique challenge of striking a balance between being wives and students. This is a tough challenge to overcome for many female students who feel pressured to uphold the traditional requirement that wives are meant to put the needs of their loved ones before their own life goals. Having felt this pressure during my time as a wife and student, I’d like to share the unique challenges I faced to help increase the chances of your success in this venture.

Addressing Competition

A major challenge many wives face when attending college is competition with their husbands. Although many men show support for gender equality, some husbands feel threatened when their wives attend college to earn a higher degree than them. This can lead to household tension and even resentment between spouses.

One option to avoid this tension is to speak with your spouse regarding your decision to attend college before you begin classes. Express how important their support of this decision is to you and explain your reasons for pursuing the degree. It can’t hurt to also occasionally stroke their ego by saying how much you appreciate them and how proud they make you feel. However, be prepared at some point in the future for your husband to express interest in also returning to college as this regularly occurs.

Keeping up with Household Chores

Although household roles are changing, many wives still tend to such duties as laundry and dinner preparation. If you’re currently tending to most of the household chores, changes to the schedule should be made before you begin classes.

It’s very easy to become overwhelmed between household and school duties when attending college. As such, by asking your husband for assistance before classes start, you can avoid most of the stress. Another perk of this new household schedule is it may continue even after you’ve earned the degree.

Scheduling Family Time

Although earning a college degree may be extremely important to you, it’s also important to find time for family between homework assignments. If you’re spending every spare minute studying or working on group projects for classes, your husband will begin resenting the degree you’re trying to earn.

Try creating a weekly schedule of when you’ll study and when you’ll make time for family to avoid becoming consumed by class work. You can make this a personal schedule rather than sharing it with your husband to at least give the sense that you’re still being spontaneous rather than accounting for every minute of your time.

Striking a balance between being a wife and a student can, at times, be very difficult. However, if you remain true to your life goals and overcome the challenges are they arise, you’ll navigate through the stress and arrive as a stronger person on graduation day.

Best

I had a long and thoughtful post typed out for you on the touch screen of my ipod while laying in bed under cozy sheets. And the battery died and I lost the whole thing. I guess the universe wanted to devour it and keep it all to itself -- it really was that good ;)) So, now, you will have to settle for my whole-hearted attempt to recapture the already processed and pretty well-digested thoughts (they went down so smoothly).

Best. My last post was about feeling like my best wasn't good enough. Well, today I have decided to exit myself from the tyrany of "best" altogether.

Guess what - my "good", my "bad", and my "ugly" are enough, too. I come inherently validated and justified. I don't need to earn it. The rein of me as an over-achiever has come to an end.

And my house is good enough when it is "good", "bad", or "ugly", too. I don't need to give in to my OCD or the perfectionist anxiety that swells inside an insecure me who didn't know true acceptance or self-love, who thought it came in a package of hard work (and was probably counter-productive).

And I'm not going to hold myself or others up to a "best" standard either. Everyone can clean, interact, and grow in whatever ways their self-formulated truths see fit. I'm going to take a moment to laugh at that last sentence. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa. Of COURSE they can. It just took me a moment to realize that everyone was already doing that, and I suddenly realized that no one needs a boss.

In fact, as it turns out, the "best" way for me to love myself and others and to be joyful and substantial in life is not through working toward perfection, but through being mediocre (bye-bye, over-achiever), and I look forward to holding myself and my children up to that standard, so I can revel in their mishaps and laugh with them in the face of bold imperfection.

I no longer subscribe to an objective "best" way of parenting, for myself or for others, and I am taking moments of silence as I remember all the possible connections that died before they lived because I was lost in dogma, because I thought I knew something about their life that they didn't, because I was consumed by guilt or fear of it (for myself and for you), and forcing something inside from the out and therefor limiting my own choices. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for my imperfection, for my learning, for my insecure loving <3

I value the Mother Nature model, and it is going to take some time for me to deconstruct this massive building I have constructed upon this tiny assumption that Her way is "best". It was constructed one website, one book, one conversation at a time. I know that I make the choice to live by Her model because it resonates for me (not because I have to, not because if I don't...), and I wish you just as much peace in whatever model feels right to you <3

I can't know for sure which one is "best", and it sure has been a quest finding the "proof" to back my truth up. I don't need that anymore, because I don't have to prove anything. I'm not a missionary, and I'm not seeking to convert. I'm just a person following my insides and loving your's. Besides, it doesn't matter to me, because I have set "best" free - it was way too exhausting to try to keep up with, and it is a barrier to what I truly value, which is pure connection with all the real life on this earth, in every state of it's existence and step on it's path.

I appologize for every inorganic judgment I felt against mamas who made a choice that fit for their life and I thought it wasn't "best", or (it's brother) I thought they could do "better". Who am I? Obviously, I have never walked a day in your shoes, and if I had ever truly seen into your life, I would know that the choice you made fit seemlessly into YOUR life. I wish I had remembered that although I know I am capable of anything, I have learned that some things would drain me and therefor cannot be prioretized -- I wish I had more completely applied this understanding to you. Who am I? I have no clue what your journey is all about.

I forgive myself for being so hard on me for not living as green as I hope to someday. I hope you will forgive me for being unwantingly judgmental of your "assisted" birth, of not breastfeeding, of not parenting in the way that depletes me and often incompacitates me and regularly has me stressed out about how I handled something. (How could you not want that for yourself? LOL) I no longer believe that there is an objectively "best" way to birth or nourish one's child or guide one's child through life. And I'm not interested in information or opinions that "best"monger.

What I am interested in is dancing with you, at your house or mine, laughing a lot, feeling anger swell inside me until my limbs tickle and then feeling it whoosh out (without judgment), skipping down my own path of life, going back to see if I missed something, taking a looooooong time to study the designs in stones, smelling roses, sprinting forward when I am feeling an inspired gush of energy, celebrating the seasons and moon phases and sun rising and setting, savoring the smell of clean laundry and sleeping babies and the sound of happily-squealing children.... Oh, I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. I have a big happy life to live, plenty full of stuff I want to enjoy and experience. That should keep me busy for a long time :)))

Good Enough

I have this drive inside me for personal growth and betterment. I used to call it self-improvement, but my understanding has changed, so my language has, too.

One of the reasons I am a single mama is because I have yet to find a man who can keep up with me, with my personal growth and change. And now, I am seeing it in my relationship with my oldest daughter... I am wanting her to grow and change in ways so we can be happier. It's nothing personal, Love -- Mama just has a case of the "good enoughs".

I have been realizing for the last 6 months that I feel like my best isn't good enough for a lot of people in my life. This first hit me hard, loud, and screaming when I was moving out of the house we lived in before this one. That whole living experience was a case of the "my best isn't good enoughs", which I have never felt about my ability to clean and care for a home before. But I have felt it in other areas of my life. I was the student who got 4 A's and 1 B and spent the break thinking about what I wish I had done to make that B an A.

Now that I am not going to school or working, the good enoughs are attacking my new job (parenting and home-making) and lifestyle (green living, whole and organic eating, etc.).

How can I possibly be comfortable in my relationships with others if I am not comfortable in my relationship with myself?

So, I have decided that I am going to intentionally look for the nows, the presents, the current states of things, and appreciate them for the perfectness that they bring to my life.

When I was talking (typing) with my friend, Laura, she shared this:

I used to really be a soul searcher and I think it almost stifled my living. I spent so much time searching and trying to change me and my loved ones that I missed the real time with them and myself. I am all for growth, but not a forced one. Not a searched out one. A natural one. One that happens because we are living and changing, not because we are reading others' words and have decided we want to be different.

Sometimes, she nails it for me in ways it would take MUCH longer for me to express! Haha :))

I have been forcing growth, as far back as I can remember on this "self improvement" journey. Before that, when I was a kid... I just was (correct tense of "be"). Not a care in the world. Was oblivious to the things people probably saw as my imperfections. I think there was also some learned helplessness in there, and something happened to show me that I could have power and control over change, and I could design my own life. It has been an awesome journey.

I think of that quote about being happy with where you are or you will never be happy somewhere else. I wonder if that is the case, or if I truly just found my destination. Where I am right now, I feel like I could live happily forever. I really didn't feel like that in a lot of my past. Where I am right now is so special to me. I love it, and I want to savor it. It is definitely good enough.

What about those spots that aren't so close to my current ideals, though? Those spots, like my obviously imperfect front teeth? What about my house on days like today, when I feel like I'm drowning in the mess? What about my embarrassingly dirty van? What about my finances? All these things that leave me uncomfortable. I can feel the anxiety swelling up when I think of them. Instead I brush their cheek, kiss them, and assure them that they are good enough as they are, that they may grow and they may change in time, but for now, they are good enough just as they are. And they don't have to give their best to be good enough. They are enough at whatever level of effort (or not) that they feel inspired to give.

Speaking of feeling inspired, I am going to tease you a bit and share that I have been working on something big. And I mean BIG-big. It should be ready to go in a week or so, and I am SO excited to come share it with you :)) I don't know if I will be able to keep from sharing, because I was never good at that. I am the mom who lets my kids open their presents whenever they want to, because we can't stand the anticipation together :)) The ONLY thing that will ensure some level of keeping it private is that I don't want to confuse people when I make a necessary and monetary (hence, waiting for the 1st) change. It's not good enough ROFL

Happy living :D

I'm not anti-growth. I just want it to be more from within <3

Mess

This post is going to be a bit of a mess, as I unpack (and situate) my current feelings on mess in my life.

I'm a single mom to 3, so mess is a big part of my life. Even before I had 3 kids, mess was an important aspect of my life, the aspect of life that I was able to be so controlling of. And I'm not just talking about toys strewn through the house or a kitchen in shambles (although, mine never is anymore - Ha!). I'm also talking about the emotional messes of current effects from yesterday's causes, and of trying to prevent more in the tomorrows. I'm also talking about a life overfull of things I "must do", not to mention all the bits and pieces from what I want to do.

Messes.

I feel like the opposite of mess is control. Control feels so safe to me, so good and simple. But it can also feel kinda sterile. I value wild, the nature-model, richness, depth. The dance between these has been an interesting one -- sometimes one or the other leads, and sometimes I like who is the leader and sometimes I don't.

But how much can I control? At what point does control become a mess? I mean, sometimes I want things SO simple that I am making messes of life to keep things THAT simple. And oftentimes when I am feeling the huge urge to have control, the fight against messes makes me a mess.

Some days I want a break from the messes, and then they pile up and become almost insurmountable when my break is finished.

I want people to be comfortable in my home, and I can't get it clean enough to feel that people will be comfortable in it. Some people I know have told me they don't want to come over because it is too "messy" (my word, not their's) for them, but I can't get it clean enough, and I certainly can't KEEP it clean enough, especially with animals (a persnickety cat and a wild puppy). How messy is normal and okay (and people need to just get over it)? How much justification for control do I have here? I can't tell if people are uncomfortable with my house or sensitive to my uncomfortableness with it... And I can't gauge my own TRUE comfort with it, because my gauge is a big mess.

I recently wrote this elsewhere, "I am self-designed. There is no instruction manual for my life, so I don't make mistakes." Basically, I'm always learning and I make up the rules (as I go, often). This can be messy. I learn as I go, figuring out what messes need damage-control and which ones are good for all of us, and realizing that this changes and shifts as often as the messes themselves. Uncontrollable messes.

Connecting with another person is messy. There are times when things feel wonderful, like the essence of what it is all about in the first place. And then what about those tough times, those times when you may just have to call it all off because it seems too hurtful or pointless? Obviously, those are messy. What's even messier is staying connected, regardless. Words and actions get tossed around all over the vulnerable place. If you're not vulnerable, then you're not connected. Can you stay connected? Through the blissful highs and the invertible lows? Can you make messes together and clean them up together?

What about a tribe? It's like a family, but with lots more members, more potential for growth, for help, for love, for joy, for clashes, for mirrors to be put up to see your shyt, for more opinions, for hope... for messes, for mess. What about the messes a tribe doesn't make together but deals with because of each member's past? Who's responsibility are THOSE messes? And is it fair (or possible) to find tribekins who are willing (and interested) in taking on big messes?

If I don't think messes are inherently bad or wrong, why do I avoid them (or, at least, some)? I love the idea of messes much more than I love the reality of them. I also love the idea of a tidy and controlled life more than the reality of it -- that part of me that craves the wild, the unknown, the mystery...

Is my fear of messes rooted in a fear of trust, in a lack of energy, or something I am not even aware of yet? Is it rooted in my past, which was a pretty weird life of (what felt like) extremes in wildness and control?

Does anyone else think about this stuff as often as I do? Does anyone else, literally, short circuit from anxiety over the prospect of a mess? Sometimes, I almost hyperventilate. It sounds funny, but I'm totally serious. I get so worked up (resistant to the mess and wanting to invite it) that I can't even think straight to get creative about how to meet everyone's needs.

I wasn't always this way... When it was just me and Kass, I used to create opportunities for her to make messes. Okay, that's not as accurate as I would like for it to be... Poor child never owned playdough or painted unsupervised (unmicro-managed). But I found ways to let her make messes with minimal clean up on my part (like playing in the mud and hosing everything off before it entered the house), and I didn't MIND cleaning up "clean" messes (stuff I could control), like toys strewn all over the house, as opposed to paint drips in places I may not find (but someone else will) in time (ruining something or making it harder to clean later).

Maybe I just don't know how to clean right? I'm kinda OCD about cleaning, wanting something to look perfect and brand new after I am done. When I try to not do it as good (and so am feeling vulnerable about this new way of trying to be), I've gotten called out on my "filth" and feel totally emotionally messy about the whole thing -- messier than I already was.

Maybe I don't have the help? It's me responsible for everything for 2 cats, a puppy, 2 babies, and a preteen who is both the biggest mess-maker in the family and the most resistant to helping me clean (or cleaning on her own) -- another mess, as I did many of the wrong things to get her to help me all of her past.

I am the messiest clean person ever lol

The babies love to help me clean, which usually results in more physical mess and less emotional mess (for them... I can't promise the anxiety I feel when they sweep my pile back into the living room isn't causing me more emotional mess).

I have lived a life devoted to avoiding making messes so I will have few to clean up. I don't want that for myself or my kids. I am limiting our abundance. I can feel it. I'm saying, "No, no, no, no" when I WANT to be saying "Yes, yes, yes, yes." Yep, it's a fear of trust. I started to float down the river for a second and leapt up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash.

I fear messes. I don't want to, hence the push and pull that is causing me anxiety and complications. Enough talking about where I want to go, and let me talk about the hurdles that keep appearing because I'm pretending I don't see them on my way...

My mom tried to raise us to be middle class, but we bore the tell-tale signs of "poor", and I am positively plagued by this now. I am painfully aware of every detail of my life that leads me to feel like people see me as poor (and therefor not of worth). Like my house being so dirty it makes people uncomfortable to be in, my kids' clothes being stained and their hair unkept, my own slovenly appearance, my dirty and dinged-up van that makes a ticking sound (even the hippy stickers on the back window aren't a band aid for "poor"), or my verbal onpouring when someone shows just a hint of interest in REALLY hearing about how I am doing. Realizing I just stepped over the class line with someone who cares = shameful embarassment for me (I should know better, etc.). And I don't use the word "shame" lightly.

I have tried embracing this radically as a protest against class, as an opportunity to redefine the labels I use to identify myself (like "hippy" instead of "poverty"), and as an experiment in understanding my relationship with control, perfectness, self-acceptance, and mess. I'm grateful for all the intricacies of the journey, and I think I feel better today about the state of my home and my life than the 10-years-ago-me would have felt about the current state of my home and my life. Maybe that is progress, since my goal is to stretch and grow. But today my life feels like much more of a mess than my life 10 years ago did. Or maybe I've just traded in the mess? I was an emotional mess in a highly controlled environment, and today I am high controlled emotionally in a messy environment. Hahaha, okay, I am highly controlled emotionally, only in relation to the mess I was before! LMAO

What it comes down to is I feel something is off, and I can't tell if it is inside me or outside of me. The journey to the answer is very long, and sometimes I wish it were shorter. And it's a biggie in our lives, as we go from a "homeschooling bookshelf" to a "family-learning life".

Why does it look better when SHE does it?

Nike. Just do it.

I remember reading this ad when it first came out (almost 20 years ago). I just read tonight that it changed the lives of millions. I remember it touched my soul. I remember saving the pages and reading them so often that I almost had them memorized, or maybe I did. As I read them tonight for the first time since then, I laughed as I remembered each dip and dive, like dancing a routine I hadn't done in years. Like the blogger who's blog I found this on shares, it was like being reunited with an old friend. I am going to print it out and give it to my daughter. I think she is the same age I was when I first read it... Enjoy, with love, clarity, and strength <3


You were born a daughter.


You looked up to your mother.


You looked up to your father.


You looked up at everyone.






You wanted to be a princess.


You thought you were a princess.


You wanted to own a horse.


You wanted to be a horse.


You wanted your brother to be a horse.






You wanted to wear pink.


You never wanted to wear pink.






You wanted to be a Veterinarian.


You wanted to be President.


You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian.






You were picked last for the team.


You were the best one on the team.


You refused to be on the team.






You wanted to be good in algebra.


You hid during algebra.


You wanted the boys to notice you.


You were afraid the boys would notice you.






You started to get acne.


You started to get breasts.


You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.






You wouldn't wear a bra.


You couldn't wait to wear a bra.


You couldn't fit into a bra.






You didn't like the way you looked.


You didn't like the way your parents looked.


You didn't want to grow up.






You had your first best friend.


You had your first date.


You had your second best friend.






You had your second first date.


You spent hours on the telephone.


You got kissed.


You got to kiss back.






You went to the prom.


You didn't go to the prom.


You went to the prom with the wrong person.






You spent hours on the telephone.






You fell in love.


You fell in love.


You fell in love.






You lost your best friend.


You lost your other best friend.






You really fell in love.






You became a steady girlfriend.


You became a significant other.






YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.






Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.


Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.


JUST DO IT

Welcome, Spring!

Today, I feel the freshness of new birth, of life, of warmth.

I celebrate the life in my life (my growing children, my changing home, my living puppy, my sun-worshipping cats, my verdant plants).

I organize the plans to make the most out of this spring with a garden (to take a load off of our grocery budget), and to create a child & puppy friendly backyard for all of my children (maybe I will create a special sun-basking spot for the cats, too!).

I started off this beautiful spring reviving the life of a friendship that has been resting during the winter <3 We sat in the sun catching up and eating cake for hours today, and I got my first sunburn for the summer (yay!). My other Scottish friends have the same experience of having to get that first burn that settles into a tan for the rest of the bright sunny days of the year :)

Something inside me must have known today was spring before I was reminded via a facebook friend's status. A long delicious shower just sounded so good this morning (even though I am a night-time showerer), and then I decided to cut my hair short again. 6 years ago, my hair touched my butt, and it was blond... Alright, here is a picture.

Well, the blond damaged my hair, and a couple years after this picture was taken, in an attempt to cut off the damaged hair, I ended up with basically this:

A few months after my first short hair cut, so shaped differently, but you can see how short I went)

I went through phases where I was trying to grow it out again. Here it was a few weeks ago:

Me and my neice, Leilani <3

But, really, I love it short. So, today I decided to go short again... Well, I accidently went too short!

Before some chapstick, plucked eyebrows, and coffee!

So, today has been a day of finding fun ways to wrap my hair up (until it is the length I want, hopefully in time for summer)!

Scrap purple batik fabric

Braided strips of scrap batik fabrics and a few inches of elastic

A scrap from the curtains I made!

Another angle -- gotta get all those batik fabric prints in the pics :))

I am excited about the hair adornments :)) And I am hoping that my poor shocked hair relaxes into a curl again (lol). More hair pics to come in the following weeks, I am sure :)

Untangles

I have been untangling some very foundational stuff recently, in light of my realizations over the last week concerning seeing my own issues for what they are.

I am scared other people (and myself) won't have enough information at a time in their life to make a decision they won't regret. How many times in my life have I found out about something and wished I had known it all along? But, now, I am wondering if I was REALLY that bad off before I found it anyway. I mean, gosh, we have always lived to be happy, and sure there was struggle, but do I REALLY regret it? Mostly no -- a couple occasions I do regret, but they have less to do with not having information, and more to do with not listening to my screaming insides and finding a way to follow them instead of going through with what I knew was wrong.

Realizing that it is less about information and more about enjoying the dance of living for what it is liberates me from being the info pack rat that I used to very much be. It also helps me to find a better connection with people. I don't have to hold a space of worry for them. I can truly appreciate their journey for exactly what it is and not flood it with my own stuff. I don't have to worry about their ability to make choices for their lives. I can trust their journey. Those are amazing things to do for people, but they are amazing things to do even more fully for myself, too <3

This goes along with my feelings concerning listening to myself more than listening to "experts", as if I or my kids need them to be happy. Reminds me of a Byron Katie quote that goes something like, "If happiness were dependent on external factors, there would be no such thing as happiness." I am so blessed to know that I am happy regardless, partly because I follow my bliss :))

Because I Wanna

I have been having this amazingly liberating relationship "decluttering" over the past several days with my sister, and today we finally reached a point where we were stripped down to just love and apology. It reminded me of this quote by Marilyn Monroe, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together." We finally hit mutually agreed upon rubble, and it was palpable relief for me! I posted about some of the stuff that has been coming up for me yesterday, but I wanted to share what the bottom line for me came down to: judgment.

I have been trying for a long time to work on not being judgmental. I thought I was pretty good at accepting people's choices for their lives, but some things still came up and I had to really work on not being judgmental about them. I didn't want to feel this way -- consciously, I wanted to love and accept everyone because I know in my head that we are all doing our best to paint, regardless of whether I liked the picture or not. Ideally, I want to feel like this.

Today, I had the "ah ha" moment that is helping me to difuse judgment at its root...

I realized that if I had a problem with some choice someone is making for their life, it's because there is a problem in my own life in that area -- I mean, if I was at peace with somethhing, why would I care if someone chose something different? Then I realized that when I feel like my choice in that area was taken away, I feel a problem with someone making a choice I never got to really make.

Sometimes I decided I didn't have a choice because my head read or my heart felt that that something was best, so I couldn't make the choice to do any less than the best. Sometimes I was just plain petrified of something, so there was no choice in the matter. Sometimes, I was punished as a kid for doing something by my parents or my friends (like being bossy or showing anger), so I can't find peace with my kids making those choices.

Once I locate that place where my choice was taken away, I give myself the choice to do either, or I realize that I would have just chosen this choice anyway, and it diffuses. Sometimes, it is takes more digging and exploring. I just realized this today, and it's still new and raw, but it feels like a huge ah-ha moment, and I wanted to share it with you in it's earliest stages.

I look forward to developing this a bit and hearing what you have to share about it...

Another part of this is that I have been super sensitive to feeling judged by others, and now I can understand when something truly is them and not me. I have friends who are married, who are Christian, who had c-sections -- not of them were judgmental about me making different choices. It's not just about making different choices, it's about making choices. I make choices because I wanna.

Life

Life is a big thing, isn't it? I mean, it's full of so much diversity -- I am in awe when I try to fathom the breadths and depths of the diversity of life. Life is full of ecstatic highs and dark mucky lows, and it usually follows a cycle that goes something like "birth, living, death, rebirth." This week has been a lot of that...

On Sunday of last week, I realized that my female puppy was sick, so I lined up some financial assistance for a vet visit and brought her in. That vet was painfully unhelpful, and I left more of a mess than when I had gotten there. So, I went to another vet, who seemed more capable of answering my questions and easing my anxiety about the whole thing. Both vets assuring me that it was serious but (although they couldn't guarantee anything) she wouldn't die in the morning, before I was able to come back for treatment. I knew she was so sick, and it broke my heart.

The next morning, she was indeed dead <3 Maybe some people won't get how this impacted me, but I had loved them as much as any baby of mine. I was plagued with all the doubt and guilt and pain any mama would be. I raced my boy puppy into the vet (in place of his sister) and found out they had parvo. The vet was so very grave to tell me this. I'd researched it before when we thought that our female had it right after we had gotten her, so I knew a bit, but I wasn't aware of the statistics that the vet shared with me: parvovirus is so serious that only 80% of dogs treated at the hospital made it, and a devastating 15% made it through home treatment.

Well, I knew he would make it. I saw him in our lives for a long time, so I was sure he was going to pull through, but I was afraid of how much pain he would suffer through and how much it would require from me. Today is Sunday, again, and he has started eating today (hasn't eaten in 3 or 4 days), stopped tossing liquids back up yesterday, and has found a renewed interest in chasing the cats. We made it. Still recovering, but we made it <3

I mourned my girl for a couple days, crying buckets at the drop of a dime, but it got drowned out in the caring for Kai. The only one who misses her more than me is him. In fact, I could barely assess his state because he is so depressed about losing his sister. He was there for every minute. He knows how she was taken from us. I've processed so much of the guilt and sadness, and I feel just grateful for how she blessed our lives by gracing us with her presence for the short 4 months that we had her. Her death has spurred some rebirth in our lives, birth of renewed appreciation for Kai, birth of revisiting how I feel about vaccinations for my pets and other safety and quality of life stuff, birth of being reminded of how grateful we are for life and for living.

In addition to fighting for life with my puppy, I found myself fighting with a family member who I have always wanted to be close with but felt so much anxiety concerning. We have a long history (family - duh! lol), so there was a lot for me to revisit. It was such an amazing opportunity for self-reflection and practicing being true to me. Every scathing detail was exquisitely delicious, as I learned that I am more confident in myself than ever before and that nothing that could be said by said family member could harm my tender innards. There were more amazing lessons than I could remember (processed and integrated!) or express (without boring you to pieces). We will just say that some of my deepest fears of life bounced off of me like rubber bullets :) In fact, so much of the negative judgments that I once held about myself and am aware from others, I am now able to embrace and see as a success :))

For example, what once felt slightly like I fail at romantic relationships, I now see as my success at holding together a rich and loving relationship while I could and being healthy enough to let it go when the time came for it. The fact that me and my last love still talk almost every day and can process things that come up together along the way tells me that I am very good at having healthy relationships :)) Go me! lol There were many other things that came up for me and for my beloved family member that had this same kind of "ah ha!" inspiring impact on me. It has left me on a total life high for a couple days now :)))))
Unclogging blockage in my life is liberating beyond words. I no longer have all that old stuff pooling and festering inside me in regards to this relationship, old outdated things that are irrelevant to this life that I have personally designed. Who knows what this relationship may be from this day forward, but I am excited to say in the very least it will be real and it will be present. Also, it inspires me in my ability to revisit some estrangement between my mom and I.

In the course of my deep and mucky week, Mother Earth decided to manifest her own deep and mucky growth. My heart goes out to Japan right now. I've missed most of the details, but I wanted to share something I read back when Australia had some serious flooding in January. It shifted my perspective on these kinds of things and on life in general. It was written by Wild Women on facebook, and I hope it helps you find peace and healing, too <3

"Birthing Woman. Waters break, gushing everywhere. Mess. Pain. Transition sets in. Out of control. Panic. Will I survive? Howling agony, please let this be over. The birth. Joy above joys. Relief! Time to clean up. Celebrate. Could it be the Mother is birthing? They called the Lockyear Valley flood an inland tsunami. ...It feels like S...he is birthing and we are her midwives, whispering support, offering love and tender care. The birth was tough. And now the clean up. What is she birthing? Perhaps deeper heart connection between human beings, an opportunity to rebuild with 'environmentally friendly' as the key word, different approaches to building and farming. A clean start. We will gain more understanding as time passes what the bigger picture is. Meantime, for those caught in Her wake, those affected by her labour, we offer our tears. She is not revengeful, mean or unjust, just when we stand in her path we become part of Her journey."

Dearest Abby

In the midst of my crazy life (a post for another day), I am reminded that your comments inspire me and stretch me.

My dear sweet seemingly-new reader, who for art thou? Do I know you elsewhere as a different name? How did I come to be so blessed to have you grace your presence here? Will you tell me how I can connect more with you? (When I click on the link of your name, it says that you have a privacy option or something) You are so mysterious :)

I would love to learn more about you. How else can I find you online (your own blog, etc)?

Looking forward to connecting with you in new and exciting ways :))

Been Living

So, since I am not using Facebook for sharing my posts and life with loved ones via internet, I am going to do a little update here :)) Here are some pics and updates on the living we have been doing recently :)

Just a bit of playing out in front of the house (she LOVES getting all dolled up! -- the boots were all her)

 

 

 

 

Returning home late from another day that snow (no pics from the actual snow, but Noble brought some home)

 

Trying on hats :))

 

 

Went up to my sister's house to celebrate with family for my and Noble's birthdays :)

some gifts I brought her, wrapped in fabric with ribbon strips leftover from my curtains -- yay for recycling!

My first patchwork blanket I made for my neice :)

When did my daughte become the gorgeous young woman in this pic? I still remember when she was my neice's age ♥

Najaia loves being a girl in this family, too :))

My sister and I with our children and our dad ♥

Proud Papa and his grandchildren ♥

My motley crew :))

I adore my baby sister ♥

My beautiful sister and her adorable pride and joy :))

Wearing her sister's hat :))

"lions" to decorate the cupcake tops for Noble's 4th birthday party ♥

Simple, Simple, Simpler

Yesterday, my son turned 4.

I am in awe and very humbled by what I continue to learn from following his natural growth, rather than trying to push him outward.

I had planned a big party at the park, invited dozens of people, had several activities and party props planned. Only about 5 families RSVP'd, and I decided the kids would probably want to free play more than most things, so I decided to just go with a handful of things (a bubble blower and other bubble supplies, face painting, and decorating their own cupcakes -- plus a feast of food).

All day, I kept feeling this desire to connect him with his distant loved ones, who wanted to call and wish him a happy birthday, and to just sit down and talk with my son about his birth story, "4 years ago, in this moment, I was...." Instead, I was racing through grocery stores grabbing last-minute things and then prepping food for the party. I am very proud of myself, though. I was able to stop prepping food and eat for myself, reminding myself that calm and nourishment was important for me, regardless of the party status for the day. I kept telling myself, as I was feeling overwhelmed by the preparation still unchecked on my to do list, that the only thing I really needed to do was be there. I took the time to lay with my baby, to nurse her to sleep without my mind being 10 other places. I just quieted my brain and waited <3

And an amazing thing happened. That rush of adrenalin and stress that usually washes over me, because things are rarely ever finished, and because I am usually late, and because I end up needing help from people to get everything set up..... It never existed. Those things still happened (the food prepping wasn't finished, I was an hour late to the park, and people helped me set up and take down), but I didn't have the rush, the hyped up anxiety and adrenalin, or the stress. I just was present. I didn't yell at Kassidy to help me, or stress her out with anxiety, because I wasn't feeding it in myself. We just worked along side each other, blasting music, and enjoying ourselves and each other.

I had a thought that I have been having a lot recently. I can't articulate it in words as simply and clearly as it comes into my head, but when I have these moments where I am stressing and ready to yell or force something from my children because we have somewhere to be or something to do, I think staying connected to my kids is usually the purpose of whatever it is that I am heading toward, so it just doesn't make sense to break that connection now. If I am trying to get to the party to celebrate my son's birth and life, it just doesn't make sense to yell at him or be mad at him for doing something that distracts me from hurrying to get to that goal. We have the opportunity to already be there now, to have that be a continuation of our connection, of our path, instead of it being a destination.

My son is so slow, so deep, so deliberate. He is so unaware of what things "could" be, and he would probably pick the slower, simpler, more connective options anyway.

Only 2 families showed up to the party -- 2 families that he loves so very much -- and a couple kids from our neighborhood came.

It was perfect.

The bubbles were a hit, the face painting sat unused for the most part, and the cupcakes were sprinkled and devoured with glee :))

I can't find the words to express the deep strings these simplified experiences pluck on my heart. We had some fabric as a table cloth, some delicious food (chips and homemade salsa, strawberries and whipped sweet cream-cheesy dip, veggies and ranch, and grapes -- I forgot the hummus at home, so we couldn't do that tray of yummies), a bubble blower blowing magic and a mystical atmosphere all over our party and all over the park -- drawing new children to come play and chase and fight and dance with us. We had a reconnection with one of Noble's dear friends, who he played very happily with all day.

We had a couple of gifts that fit perfectly into Noble's interests: some mythical creature figurines to inspire Noble's already imaginative play, and a beautiful little train and a car. And he just opened them up throughout the party, when someone wanted to give them to him, and he played with them for a long time after he opened them. He took his time getting to know the toy and enjoy it before moving on to open another gift. I love this so much more than opening a ton of gifts all at once. He got to really bless each one and integrate them into his play and his life.

I think for future birthday celebrations, we may just make a day out of it, invite people to our home to celebrate whenever they can make it throughout the day, and spend the day connecting with loved ones -- spending time with them when they are here and calling the distant ones during lulls in the day. Maybe we will stick with the cupcake idea, and whoever comes can grab one and sing happy birthday to birthday person (or whatever blessing they want to give), because kids can't get enough of that song, you know? We don't need the common party traditions and routines. We are going to freestyle it.

I have shared a lot of the details of the day, and I love the organicness of that, but my point in writing this post was to really drive home (mostly to myself, as I process during the writing of this post) the utter perfectness (for us) of simplicity, how far reaching I am finding it applies in our lives. I have expanded so much as a person, and I am really enjoying this draw back in, to the deeply personal. I don't need a million places to go, gobs of stuff, or a giant community of loved ones (online or in face). We seem to be happier, feel more substance, when we have deep connections with just a few people.

When I move slower, I feel the ground beneath my feet. This may not be for everyone. Maybe not everyone is the type of person who can hurdle boulders but trip on pebbles. I said that about myself in the past, noticing how my depression seemed to happen. I think the reason I was able to hurdle boulders is because I was out of touch with my journey and so just leaping and racing, but my inner self was so conscious of every tiny bit, and so when I could feel the pebbles that were out of alignment, they could trip me up. They were meant to trip me up. I am slow. And I was running. The tripping was mana for the soul, for our lifestyle. I am so grateful for this slow journey, for the awareness I now have about what really works for me and what I want out of life.

I am able to clear out the brush, pinpoint the specific plants, and then grow and nourish the plants and the garden.

Slow is a bad word in this society. It's a word we call people who don't move or develop as fast as we want them to or think they should. It's definately not valued in this capitalistic system of bigger, faster, more. Not to say there is anything wrong with that lifestyle, but once again, I find myself a part of an invisible minority group: the people who value slowness. The only problem for me is that because they were invisible, I didn't know they existed, didn't know there was a choice.

Fastness and consumption, for me, stems from anxiety. I am slow. I like to be with what already is and let go intentionally and bring in deliberately. I was made for slowness. I notice everything. I'm so sensitive to details. I can only move quickly if I am ignoring those details, and I don't want to ignore those details. Those details are my life. Each moment of presence and fulfillment with my children and our animals and our home are what my life is all about.

Centering my life around my children can look like us pending a whole day playing a package of balloons at home, within the natural cycle of our daily life of basic needs. I don't have to be supermom -- she flies too fast. I want to be the mom who kicks back in a chair (with feet up) and watches the garden grow and watches the kids play. I want to feel the food in my belly digest and feel how my body responds to it, so I can build a connective and healthy relationship with food. I want to spend a whole day reconnecting with a dear friend, celebrating our past, present, and future, exploring the possibilities of life through conversation with a warm cup of tea. I want to clean my home with mindfulness -- bless each thing I touch, remember the memories I have shared with it, prepare it for its next use.

I want to go slow so I don't miss a thing. It's all so precious, the moments, the connections, the stuff, the development, the joy.

I have a confession, and this may come as no surprise. I had an idea of how to interact with my children in a connective way, how to connect with them in a life-learning, joyful way, but I was missing that bridge that helped me to find how to get in there and do it in a way that didn't bring up heapfuls of unprocessed anxiety. I wasn't up for all that processing at my kids' expense (because I was already doing so much in every other area of my life, this would have put me over the top, and I would have ended up that stressed out overwhelmed mom who yells and then cries because she feels bad about it).

Wanting to be connective with Noble yesterday, and knowing how I want to celebrate life and birthdays and everything else, helped me to find my bridge to how I want to spend my days with my kids. It is such a simple bridge, one that maybe I built over the thinnest part of the stream. It's just being with my kids in a slow connection-oriented way, finding a way to cultivate our values and live them in a child-leveled way.

So, focusing on the beloved people in our lives, on ways to live more "green", on the simple and enjoyable tasks of home maintenance, on caring for the animals and plants in our lives.

I have found the pinpoint for growth of a relationship of daily being with my children. I'm ready to find ways to make small things big (like a whole week to celebrate a birthday or other holiday), so we don't have to have lots of things to feel fulfilled, to feel whole.

I've decided that I don't need a bunch of followers of this blog. It doesn't ever have to grow big enough that it can someday contribute to my family's income (that was my long-term goal). I'm fine if it is just me journalling and sending it out into the world, with a couple close friends keeping posted on my emotional and physical status.

Slow. Deliberate. Connective, to the people and things I love, as well as to myself. Staying connected to myself requires a certain slowness as well, especially while I am learning so much about myself. Like strolling down a nature trail with myself and noting my reactions to things so I can understand me better and tailor my life even more accutely. I'm so in love with me, so in love with my life, with each of my children, with our possibilities for fun and adventure in the many years we have together still.

Mmmmm, one delicious barefoot step at a time.

This is me: slow and deep and magical and an old soul