Being a single mama and staying home to raise 3 kids on a small budget
takes creativity. Some circumstances may be seen as hard for some. I
can see that. But it doesn't have to be the story I tell. I get to
chose that. I am really coming into my hippy-ness. And into my power.
I always felt unworthy of the term "hippy", like I was too neo to
deserve a title like that, like I wasn't hippy enough (kinda like how
you can't live "green" enough) because [insert horror music] I've
never listened to the Grateful Dead (!!!!!!!), but before you
completely invalidate my hippy-ness, I grew up on Janis Joplin and Bob
Marley and probably many other artists who are hippy enough.
Well, I just had a breakthrough. I was writing to my mom about our
ability to stay positive during circumstances she sees as hard, and I
wrote, "Hippies don't need money, cell phones, and electricity, as
long as there is patchouli oil and drum circles -- rofl". But
really!!!!! Some of the most spiritual people to walk this earth
liberated themselves from their attachments to things. Who needs
church and cell phones -- I'm having profound spiritual awakenings as
a mama watching my kids grow and learn and love and live and heal!
Being a mama is one of the most esoteric experiences I can imagine!!!
Who needs all that frivolous stuff to be happy or be allowed to be
positive?? Hippies don't need much more than good company, a bus, and
some earth to dance upon. Has she not read my blog description???
Hahaha.
I now dub me a hippy :) I officially accept myself :))
Btw, another "comeback" that I have been really feeling lately is "You
say that like it's a bad thing!" I mean really, some things are
overrated.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Unschool Curriculum
As home schoolers, we often hear people ask what curriculum we use, or
concerned family members don't understand how my kids are learning
since we don't use textbooks and worksheets. I would like to take some
time to explain how unschoolers learn and how life is the curriculum,
and I plan to add over time to this with our real life experiences (on
the sidebar, click the tag/category called "unschool curriculum").
Let me first state that unschoolers don't have to understand how this
works for it to work. It is perfectly acceptable for an unschool
family to simply have faith and trust that their kids are learning and
live life without disecting their experiences and dividing it up into
academic subjects and justifying their choices to well-intentioned
loved ones. But in case you want to, or in case you don't have that
faith:
I first learned the details of life learning from Mary Hood, in her
books on relaxed homeschooling. She talked about how you can take life
experiences and find how they fit into school subjects, like going to
a history museum could be reading (reading the plaques or preparing
ahead of time by doing some research), history, social studies
(interacting with other people, the drive to the museum was learning
about your city, etc.), math (if you were figuring anything that had
to do with dates), and so much more. She advocated that if you felt
some subject was missing from your kids' lives, leaving a book on
something from the subject on the couch and someone was bound to pick
it up and want to share their new read with the family. There was a
lot more to it than just that, but I think you get the gist. She
talked about family-involved unit studies, where the whole family
could get very involved in learning something. She was very proactive
about learning things and organized (daily planners and journals to
keep track of stuff to "sort" later). Mind you, these books were
written several years ago, so maybe the Hood family are unschoolers
now? Relaxed unschooling is very similar to unschooling, but different
in that relaxed homeschooling still extracts learning from living and
may encourage certain things to get a more "well-rounded" academic
experience.
My next introduction to life learning was through my Child Development
class on preschool curriculum, called Creative Curriculum, which uses
a style called emergent curriculum. Emergent curriculum means that the
learning and the bases for it emerges from the learner, from the
child. If a child shows an interest in cars, for example, the teachers
role is to provide more opportunities for the child to explore with
cars, so maybe they will add some ramps and some different kinds of
vehicles and maybe some books about how cars work and a table to
explore building ones own cars (or whatever with wheels). There are
lots of ideas the teacher can impliment once they have taken their
cues from the child. Creative Curriculum is a series of books (for
different age groups) about how kids are learning through play. For
example, block play promotes social and emotional development,
physical development, cognitive development, and language development.
Kids learn literacy (vocabulary and language, understanding of books
and other texts, print and letters and words), mathematics (number
concepts, patterns and relationships, geometry and spacial sense,
measurement), science (physical science, life science, earth and the
environment), social studies (spaces and geography, people and how
they live), the arts (drama, visual arts), and technology (basic
operations and concepts, technology tools). These were taken from the
Creative Curriculum book, and if you want more or clarification on
anything, please feel free to ask. So, all of that learning that
happens with some blocks!!!! Kids can learn so much from every
experience that they have, especially when they are given time to get
into depth on a project, which is one of the luxuries homeschooling
affords. I was telling my oldest, yesterday, that one of my favorite
things about unschooling is that we can spend an entire day painting
(which we did, for the most part). It was amazing to see the learning
that I was witnessing from that activity -- social skills between my
kids, art through painting, geometry through different kinds/styles of
painting, physics from body movement and paint properties, fine and
gross motor skills and fine-tuning, not to mention cognitive skills
like concentration, focus, manifesting something from our thoughts
into reality, etc. Where one person may see some kids with
paintbrushes and paint, another can see so much more. That can be
applied to any and all activities. I asked the teachers at the school
there if they thought this kind of teaching and learning could be
applied to older kids, and everytime they said definately. Got me
thinking about starting a private school for older kids in this fashion.
So, the next chapter in my life learning experiences was the term
unschooling, as applied to how children learn academic-type things.
This went right along with how I learned kids learn from the Creative
Curriculum, and the role of the parent seemed so very similar to that
of a teacher in the emergent curriculum model. Except, it wasn't so
organized and documented -- it didn't need to be, because this was
your child so you didn't have to prove how your child was learning in
your program or document to continue receiving funding or your
paycheck or whatever. Kind of like a difference between teacher and
parent -- we don't have 20 strange new kids who will come to us at one
certain level and our job is to pass on at the next level. We know our
children from before birth, we know the family members they get
certain traits from, we read the books with them or they can't wait to
tell us about them so there is no need to quiz them on what they are
learning -- we can just be with them and love the learning we witness
and are blessed to be a part of. With unschooling, there is this trust
that kids are naturally curious about the world around them and will
naturally adjust their interests to suit the needs that the world is
bringing to their attention. There is a lot more trust of the child
and the learning process in unschooling than in relaxed homeschooling.
The goal is to live learning, not extract learning from life.
Radical unschooling applies the concept of learning from life to all
areas of life, not just academics. So, the curriculum of radical
unschooling also involves bedtimes and chores and eating and teeth
brushing and television and many more things. We trust that our kids
are learning from every experience they have ("good" or "bad") and are
capable of making the choices that feel right to them, and that this
should be good enough for us. We trust that nothing is black or white,
and look for the million shades of gray to find which one or so fits
our familes' needs the best (that is touching upon consensual living a
bit, but radical unschooling really is about letting down our rigid
blinders and seeing the many ways things are done and all the learning
that comes from them ). It's about trusting their development in all
areas and trusting the path that they chose for themselves, because we
know that so much learning is happening all over the place, if that is
what we are looking for...
concerned family members don't understand how my kids are learning
since we don't use textbooks and worksheets. I would like to take some
time to explain how unschoolers learn and how life is the curriculum,
and I plan to add over time to this with our real life experiences (on
the sidebar, click the tag/category called "unschool curriculum").
Let me first state that unschoolers don't have to understand how this
works for it to work. It is perfectly acceptable for an unschool
family to simply have faith and trust that their kids are learning and
live life without disecting their experiences and dividing it up into
academic subjects and justifying their choices to well-intentioned
loved ones. But in case you want to, or in case you don't have that
faith:
I first learned the details of life learning from Mary Hood, in her
books on relaxed homeschooling. She talked about how you can take life
experiences and find how they fit into school subjects, like going to
a history museum could be reading (reading the plaques or preparing
ahead of time by doing some research), history, social studies
(interacting with other people, the drive to the museum was learning
about your city, etc.), math (if you were figuring anything that had
to do with dates), and so much more. She advocated that if you felt
some subject was missing from your kids' lives, leaving a book on
something from the subject on the couch and someone was bound to pick
it up and want to share their new read with the family. There was a
lot more to it than just that, but I think you get the gist. She
talked about family-involved unit studies, where the whole family
could get very involved in learning something. She was very proactive
about learning things and organized (daily planners and journals to
keep track of stuff to "sort" later). Mind you, these books were
written several years ago, so maybe the Hood family are unschoolers
now? Relaxed unschooling is very similar to unschooling, but different
in that relaxed homeschooling still extracts learning from living and
may encourage certain things to get a more "well-rounded" academic
experience.
My next introduction to life learning was through my Child Development
class on preschool curriculum, called Creative Curriculum, which uses
a style called emergent curriculum. Emergent curriculum means that the
learning and the bases for it emerges from the learner, from the
child. If a child shows an interest in cars, for example, the teachers
role is to provide more opportunities for the child to explore with
cars, so maybe they will add some ramps and some different kinds of
vehicles and maybe some books about how cars work and a table to
explore building ones own cars (or whatever with wheels). There are
lots of ideas the teacher can impliment once they have taken their
cues from the child. Creative Curriculum is a series of books (for
different age groups) about how kids are learning through play. For
example, block play promotes social and emotional development,
physical development, cognitive development, and language development.
Kids learn literacy (vocabulary and language, understanding of books
and other texts, print and letters and words), mathematics (number
concepts, patterns and relationships, geometry and spacial sense,
measurement), science (physical science, life science, earth and the
environment), social studies (spaces and geography, people and how
they live), the arts (drama, visual arts), and technology (basic
operations and concepts, technology tools). These were taken from the
Creative Curriculum book, and if you want more or clarification on
anything, please feel free to ask. So, all of that learning that
happens with some blocks!!!! Kids can learn so much from every
experience that they have, especially when they are given time to get
into depth on a project, which is one of the luxuries homeschooling
affords. I was telling my oldest, yesterday, that one of my favorite
things about unschooling is that we can spend an entire day painting
(which we did, for the most part). It was amazing to see the learning
that I was witnessing from that activity -- social skills between my
kids, art through painting, geometry through different kinds/styles of
painting, physics from body movement and paint properties, fine and
gross motor skills and fine-tuning, not to mention cognitive skills
like concentration, focus, manifesting something from our thoughts
into reality, etc. Where one person may see some kids with
paintbrushes and paint, another can see so much more. That can be
applied to any and all activities. I asked the teachers at the school
there if they thought this kind of teaching and learning could be
applied to older kids, and everytime they said definately. Got me
thinking about starting a private school for older kids in this fashion.
So, the next chapter in my life learning experiences was the term
unschooling, as applied to how children learn academic-type things.
This went right along with how I learned kids learn from the Creative
Curriculum, and the role of the parent seemed so very similar to that
of a teacher in the emergent curriculum model. Except, it wasn't so
organized and documented -- it didn't need to be, because this was
your child so you didn't have to prove how your child was learning in
your program or document to continue receiving funding or your
paycheck or whatever. Kind of like a difference between teacher and
parent -- we don't have 20 strange new kids who will come to us at one
certain level and our job is to pass on at the next level. We know our
children from before birth, we know the family members they get
certain traits from, we read the books with them or they can't wait to
tell us about them so there is no need to quiz them on what they are
learning -- we can just be with them and love the learning we witness
and are blessed to be a part of. With unschooling, there is this trust
that kids are naturally curious about the world around them and will
naturally adjust their interests to suit the needs that the world is
bringing to their attention. There is a lot more trust of the child
and the learning process in unschooling than in relaxed homeschooling.
The goal is to live learning, not extract learning from life.
Radical unschooling applies the concept of learning from life to all
areas of life, not just academics. So, the curriculum of radical
unschooling also involves bedtimes and chores and eating and teeth
brushing and television and many more things. We trust that our kids
are learning from every experience they have ("good" or "bad") and are
capable of making the choices that feel right to them, and that this
should be good enough for us. We trust that nothing is black or white,
and look for the million shades of gray to find which one or so fits
our familes' needs the best (that is touching upon consensual living a
bit, but radical unschooling really is about letting down our rigid
blinders and seeing the many ways things are done and all the learning
that comes from them ). It's about trusting their development in all
areas and trusting the path that they chose for themselves, because we
know that so much learning is happening all over the place, if that is
what we are looking for...
Kids are Amazing
Some quotes that really inspired me:
"Children coming forth today have a greater capacity to deal with the greater variety of information that is coming forward than you did. They deliberately are coming forth into this environment where there is more to contemplate. This generation gap that you are talking about, it has ever been thus. Each new generation, every new individual, that comes forth, is coming with you having prepared a different platform for them to proceed from. There is this thing that gets in the way of that that says, "I'm the parent. I got here first. I know more than you do." From the children's perspective, and from the purity of their Nonphysical Perspective, what they are saying is, "You're the parent. You got here first. You prepared a platform that I am leaping off from -- and my leap will be beyond anything that you have ever known." " -- Abraham Hicks
"Children, as persons, are entitled to the greatest respect. Children are given to us as free flying souls, after which we clip their wings in the same way we domesticate the wild mallard. Children should become our role models for they are coated with the spirit from which they came - out of the ether, clean, innocent, brimming with the delight of life, aware of the beauty of the simplest thing - a snail, a bud, a shadow in the garden. Children are closest to the angels." -- Gerry Spence
"Children coming forth today have a greater capacity to deal with the greater variety of information that is coming forward than you did. They deliberately are coming forth into this environment where there is more to contemplate. This generation gap that you are talking about, it has ever been thus. Each new generation, every new individual, that comes forth, is coming with you having prepared a different platform for them to proceed from. There is this thing that gets in the way of that that says, "I'm the parent. I got here first. I know more than you do." From the children's perspective, and from the purity of their Nonphysical Perspective, what they are saying is, "You're the parent. You got here first. You prepared a platform that I am leaping off from -- and my leap will be beyond anything that you have ever known." " -- Abraham Hicks
"Children, as persons, are entitled to the greatest respect. Children are given to us as free flying souls, after which we clip their wings in the same way we domesticate the wild mallard. Children should become our role models for they are coated with the spirit from which they came - out of the ether, clean, innocent, brimming with the delight of life, aware of the beauty of the simplest thing - a snail, a bud, a shadow in the garden. Children are closest to the angels." -- Gerry Spence
Black & White
I read this in an RU group that I am in, and I found it very thought-provoking, so I wanted to share it here and talk a bit about it.
It makes me wonder how big of an impact past generations of discipline has on current and future generations' creative living or the perceptions of it. It has been some hard work for me to get past that "black or white" way of seeing things, and I still work on it, and I don't think I came from an abusive household, but my mom did and so I think I inherited some of that strictness from and through her. For the record, my mom did an amazing job surpassing the parenting she was given. Is it possible to transcend it 100%? Unlikely. My mom did so much, though, and I know my kids will still have stuff to undo in their lives, but isn't that what life is about? Living and learning and repeating the cycle indefinately :))
Anyway, back on topic :)) So, creative living is seeing life for all the gray areas in between and picking what is right for you and for the moment. Instead of saying "this or that", you can see all the millions of options that can happen too or instead. It is fun and exciting and really makes life an adventure where everyone can get their needs met, and it usually doesn't require sacrifice or compromise, because all can get their needs met fully, not partially or not at all. It just depends on how creative all parties can be. I have found that my kids are better at finding creative ideas and solutions (because of my own socialized limitations and rigidness at times), and it is quite amazing to watch my kids figure things out -- often without even a word from me. In fact, I give up before they do -- I have learned that when I am ready to say "Nevermind, this isn't going to work" to give my kids more time, because they find a way to both feel good about things. It is SO amazing to watch -- especially because they are 11 years old and 3 years old! Even my 3-year-old son comes up with great ideas to help his baby sister if she is crying or if she wants something he is playing with or whatever. Kids never cease to amaze me. They are constantly underrated in our society. Older generations (including myself) are limited by their own experiences, but my kids have all the stuff I changed for them and my old stuff feels so wrong to them. I know when they are bucking my way of handling something, I am out of alignment with my new path. My kids know what feels right to them. I love growing to trust them more and more. This blog is starting to remind me of a post I've been wanting to share -- that I will share now :))
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Fish
Einstein has a quote that goes somethig like "If you judge a fish by
how well he can climb a wall, he's gonna spend his whole life thinking
there is somethig wrong with him". Well, I've sooooo been there. Done
tryin to scale walls -- I love swimming, and if my kids love swimming,
too, then we are gonna swim. And if they decide at some point they
want to try scaling walls, they can try that, too. Or maybe they are
meant for running marathons. Or flying. Who knows. Like I said, if I
like swimming and they like swimming, then we swim. And we are
swimming, and we are finding other fish and feeling really good about
it. But there is this other fish who is trying so hard to scale walls
and seems to be judging us harshly for loving swimming and not
continuing to try scaling walls when it will never work for us. We are
fish.
how well he can climb a wall, he's gonna spend his whole life thinking
there is somethig wrong with him". Well, I've sooooo been there. Done
tryin to scale walls -- I love swimming, and if my kids love swimming,
too, then we are gonna swim. And if they decide at some point they
want to try scaling walls, they can try that, too. Or maybe they are
meant for running marathons. Or flying. Who knows. Like I said, if I
like swimming and they like swimming, then we swim. And we are
swimming, and we are finding other fish and feeling really good about
it. But there is this other fish who is trying so hard to scale walls
and seems to be judging us harshly for loving swimming and not
continuing to try scaling walls when it will never work for us. We are
fish.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Judgment
Through my new anxiety lenses, I had a realization about what judgment
is. When someone observes something that creates anxiety in them, the
feeler judges that what they are observing is wrong because it makes
them uncomfortable. Interesting take on it, huh?
I understand why when I shifted my parenting and living style to RU,
how I became judgmental about more mainstream styles because they made
me less comfortable (especially when coupled with my anxieties about
how I had done those things with my kids, etc.). And how mainstream
parenting judges us or any alternative styles. And why ex-smokers are
harder on smokers than just non-smokers are, etc.
is. When someone observes something that creates anxiety in them, the
feeler judges that what they are observing is wrong because it makes
them uncomfortable. Interesting take on it, huh?
I understand why when I shifted my parenting and living style to RU,
how I became judgmental about more mainstream styles because they made
me less comfortable (especially when coupled with my anxieties about
how I had done those things with my kids, etc.). And how mainstream
parenting judges us or any alternative styles. And why ex-smokers are
harder on smokers than just non-smokers are, etc.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Success
I am very afraid of it, and it paralyzes me. I am very talented and make these amazing things with the intention of selling them, but just don't believe in my work enough or feel comfortable selling anything. How do I get over that? I spent my last $100 on hula hoop supplies and now am sitting here with all these hoops! I have done this with many ventures. There is some invisible barrier to my success. What is it?
My Dream
Last night, I dreamt that I was just going about my business in life, bein' & livin', and there was this guy in a wheelchair who was so severly disabled that someone needed to push him in the chair, and I almost didn't even notice his face because of how severely disabled he was.
Then, I started to get to know the guy, have lunch with him, and I started to fall in love with him, and he began to be less disabled -- could do more and more things as our love grew, and he became so very beautiful! He was just sooooo handsome.
And he began to speak -- said a whole sentence before I woke up, and could jump off of a short cliff into a water hole to swim, and could drive.
We had a baby! I saw life flow all around this baby, like in a movie scene where the focus is on the baby and you see life happening all around the baby, different clips from different experiences.
I woke up thinking I was going to fall deeply in love with someone who was parapalegic and somehow have a child with him...
Until I realized that that crippled person was me.
As I start to fall in love with myself, I will stop seeing me as crippled, and I will see my beauty and capabilities and hear my own voice -- it will all grow. And through this love of me, I will give birth to life experiences.
Namaste
Then, I started to get to know the guy, have lunch with him, and I started to fall in love with him, and he began to be less disabled -- could do more and more things as our love grew, and he became so very beautiful! He was just sooooo handsome.
And he began to speak -- said a whole sentence before I woke up, and could jump off of a short cliff into a water hole to swim, and could drive.
We had a baby! I saw life flow all around this baby, like in a movie scene where the focus is on the baby and you see life happening all around the baby, different clips from different experiences.
I woke up thinking I was going to fall deeply in love with someone who was parapalegic and somehow have a child with him...
Until I realized that that crippled person was me.
As I start to fall in love with myself, I will stop seeing me as crippled, and I will see my beauty and capabilities and hear my own voice -- it will all grow. And through this love of me, I will give birth to life experiences.
Namaste
Home
This is my favorite song right now. I play it on repeat for hours on end and sing it to my kids softly to help them fall asleep sweet:
Imported from my art blog
The Art Journey Before Me (5/14/10):
I am very excited about starting down my art journey. I have wanted to self-teach me how to draw and paint and such. I love scrapbooking, and I am fabulous at crafting, and I know that I have style and can spot my style in a heartbeat. I just have some barriers to creating my own art. So, I have been browsing art and a couple art blogs, and I have found the inspiration to get started. I am starting a comic, called Outlaw Midwife, and I want to learn how to draw my own comics, so that is one goal, but ultimately, it is a lifelong journey with no destination :)) I am so excited about this!!
Poorman's Pewter:
Gonna use this technique to create some awesome stuff!!!
Here is a pic, to get you to click on the link :)
Majestic Spiral Dance:
gratifying to create :)
First Batch of Hula Hoops
The Man Hoop (LOL)
Blue Zebra
Pink and Brown Batik
Future hoops
I am very excited about starting down my art journey. I have wanted to self-teach me how to draw and paint and such. I love scrapbooking, and I am fabulous at crafting, and I know that I have style and can spot my style in a heartbeat. I just have some barriers to creating my own art. So, I have been browsing art and a couple art blogs, and I have found the inspiration to get started. I am starting a comic, called Outlaw Midwife, and I want to learn how to draw my own comics, so that is one goal, but ultimately, it is a lifelong journey with no destination :)) I am so excited about this!!
Poorman's Pewter:
Gonna use this technique to create some awesome stuff!!!
Here is a pic, to get you to click on the link :)
Majestic Spiral Dance:
I got a tad sidetracked from my drawing and painting journey by these
beautiful works of handcrafted art :)) Soooo much fun and soooooooo gratifying to create :)
First Batch of Hula Hoops
The Man Hoop (LOL)
Blue Zebra
Pink and Brown Batik
Future hoops
Our Wildcrafted Life
As you may have noticed, I like change and movement. And some of the readers of this blog know I am often transcending titles and names. So, having said that, I am changing the URL of this blog from thatunschoolflavor.blogspot.com to ourwildcraftedlife.blogspot.com
And I am changing the title of the blog from "Savoring That Unschool Flavor in Our Wildcrafted Life" to...
Also, I am combining my art, craft, and collections blog with this one -- a one-stop-shop for me :)
And I am changing the title of the blog from "Savoring That Unschool Flavor in Our Wildcrafted Life" to...
Also, I am combining my art, craft, and collections blog with this one -- a one-stop-shop for me :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Benefits of TV
I read this article on Dayna Martin's site unschoolingamerica.com
Why Unschoolers Rise Above Anti-TV Elitism
By, Dayna Martin
We presently live in a "book worshipping" culture. Television is definitely something that is looked down upon as a lower-form of learning and entertainment by many. TV is still so new historically. Before TV, for example, comic books and some radio shows were also thought to be destructive and evil. I know in time attitudes about TV will change. People will learn to value it for the amazing learning tool it is and not be afraid of it.
In our lives, TV is one of many options my children have to learn from and enjoy. I do not value books over TV for my children's learning. I trust them and value all of their choices and support their interests. I can't imagine how small our world would be without TV! As an Unschooling Mom, I want to give my children as BIG a world as possible! TV introduces us to so many topics and interests that we may not have learned about otherwise. We have a joyful relationship with TV!
The topics of interest that have been introduced to us through TV have been incredible! It is a window to our world! Being Homeschoolers, I love the fact that my kids know all about modern pop culture. They are able to have conversations with anyone, including kids in school about things current and popular in our world. They aren't the "weird, sheltered homeschoolers" who have no idea what Sponge bob is (for example) making them all the more different from kids their age. They feel totally "normal" around anyone because they know so much about what others are discussing in social situations.
Also, through TV, our family has witnessed True Human Potential! From skydiving, to contortionists, to people saving endangered species, to learning to cook Italian, to building a Chopper, to 'Dirty Jobs', to birth and death and love.....TV is not all doom and gloom like I was led to believe from some in the naturally minded community after I had my first son. It is not something we fear! It is something we value greatly.
There are so many awesome, interesting, enriching things on TV! Just like books, there are some good and some bad. I do not choose to never read again, just because there are books out there with something I wouldn't approve of! TV is no different. No one forces us to watch the news or things we personally don't value. Some days we watch no TV and some rainy days hours. It depends on the day. Just like reading, some days we read 10 books, some days none.
I honestly believe that my children have such an incredibly broad knowledge base, and TV has contributed to that as much as books, and every other resource we have in our lives. As Unschoolers, we use TV like a rich buffet before us. We joyfully take what we want and leave the rest!
Why Unschoolers Rise Above Anti-TV Elitism
By, Dayna Martin
We presently live in a "book worshipping" culture. Television is definitely something that is looked down upon as a lower-form of learning and entertainment by many. TV is still so new historically. Before TV, for example, comic books and some radio shows were also thought to be destructive and evil. I know in time attitudes about TV will change. People will learn to value it for the amazing learning tool it is and not be afraid of it.
In our lives, TV is one of many options my children have to learn from and enjoy. I do not value books over TV for my children's learning. I trust them and value all of their choices and support their interests. I can't imagine how small our world would be without TV! As an Unschooling Mom, I want to give my children as BIG a world as possible! TV introduces us to so many topics and interests that we may not have learned about otherwise. We have a joyful relationship with TV!
The topics of interest that have been introduced to us through TV have been incredible! It is a window to our world! Being Homeschoolers, I love the fact that my kids know all about modern pop culture. They are able to have conversations with anyone, including kids in school about things current and popular in our world. They aren't the "weird, sheltered homeschoolers" who have no idea what Sponge bob is (for example) making them all the more different from kids their age. They feel totally "normal" around anyone because they know so much about what others are discussing in social situations.
Also, through TV, our family has witnessed True Human Potential! From skydiving, to contortionists, to people saving endangered species, to learning to cook Italian, to building a Chopper, to 'Dirty Jobs', to birth and death and love.....TV is not all doom and gloom like I was led to believe from some in the naturally minded community after I had my first son. It is not something we fear! It is something we value greatly.
There are so many awesome, interesting, enriching things on TV! Just like books, there are some good and some bad. I do not choose to never read again, just because there are books out there with something I wouldn't approve of! TV is no different. No one forces us to watch the news or things we personally don't value. Some days we watch no TV and some rainy days hours. It depends on the day. Just like reading, some days we read 10 books, some days none.
I honestly believe that my children have such an incredibly broad knowledge base, and TV has contributed to that as much as books, and every other resource we have in our lives. As Unschoolers, we use TV like a rich buffet before us. We joyfully take what we want and leave the rest!
Love
This is an old daily quote by (I think the name is) Michael Brown:
Love. Consider that the caliber of love we feel for ourselves shows its face most clearly when we are experiencing any sort of pain, discomfort, and suffering. Can we love ourselves when we feel afraid, angry, and sad? Can we love ourselves when we feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated? Can we love ourselves when we feel superior, arrogant, and righteous? Can we love ourselves when we feel hopeless, broken, and lost? Can we love ourselves when we feel bored, useless, and unproductive? Consider that if we can only love ourselves when we feel good, positive, and upbeat - then it is likely that our current perception of love is lacking in the elixir of gentleness.
Love. Consider that the caliber of love we feel for ourselves shows its face most clearly when we are experiencing any sort of pain, discomfort, and suffering. Can we love ourselves when we feel afraid, angry, and sad? Can we love ourselves when we feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated? Can we love ourselves when we feel superior, arrogant, and righteous? Can we love ourselves when we feel hopeless, broken, and lost? Can we love ourselves when we feel bored, useless, and unproductive? Consider that if we can only love ourselves when we feel good, positive, and upbeat - then it is likely that our current perception of love is lacking in the elixir of gentleness.
Win-Win
Thanks, Scott Noelle, for this easy explination of basically what we refer to as "win-win".
:: Generalizing Desires ::
Suppose your child wants to bounce on your friend's
antique sofa, but you want to respect your friend's
property. The conventional response is to say NO and
block the child's behavior, using force if necessary.
Being unconventional, you ask yourself instead, "How
can we both have what we want?" But these *specific*
desires are incompatible. So you *generalize* one or
both of them by looking for the underlying desires.
For example, your child wants to jump on the sofa
because it feels good to defy gravity. You want to
respect your friend's property because you want to be
a good friend.
Now you can put these more general desires together
and begin to see ways they could fit. Perhaps you
could be a good friend to your child by helping him or
her find another way to defy gravity.
Keep looking deeper and you'll find many, more general
desires that will lead you to an abundant supply of
mutually satisfying choices.
http://dailygroove.net/generalizing
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
:: Generalizing Desires ::
Suppose your child wants to bounce on your friend's
antique sofa, but you want to respect your friend's
property. The conventional response is to say NO and
block the child's behavior, using force if necessary.
Being unconventional, you ask yourself instead, "How
can we both have what we want?" But these *specific*
desires are incompatible. So you *generalize* one or
both of them by looking for the underlying desires.
For example, your child wants to jump on the sofa
because it feels good to defy gravity. You want to
respect your friend's property because you want to be
a good friend.
Now you can put these more general desires together
and begin to see ways they could fit. Perhaps you
could be a good friend to your child by helping him or
her find another way to defy gravity.
Keep looking deeper and you'll find many, more general
desires that will lead you to an abundant supply of
mutually satisfying choices.
http://dailygroove.net/generalizing
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
Pronoia: the belief that the universe is conspiring in your favor
Found this elsewhere a bit ago and wanted to share here :)
Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings
The website is http://www.freewillastrology.com/home.shtml
And here's a (VERY LONG) excerpt:
Pronoia Therapy
In my book Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings, I offer an extensive array of experiments, games, rituals, and meditations you can use to boost your levels of ingenious happiness. Below is an excerpt of a few of those exercises.
If you feel so moved, send your responses and testimony to me at beautyandtruth@freewillastrology.com.
*
TORRENTIAL PRONOIA THERAPY
Experiments and exercises in becoming a blasphemously reverent, lustfully compassionate, eternally changing Master of Transgressive Beauty
1. Take inventory of the extent to which your "No" reflex dominates your life. Notice for 24 hours (even in your dreams) how often you say or think.
"No."
"That's not right."
"I don't like them."
"I don't agree with that."
"They don't like me."
"That should be different from what it is."
Then retrain yourself to say "YES" at least 51 percent of the time. Start the transformation by saying "YES" aloud 22 times right now.
2. Go to the ugliest or most forlorn place you know -- a drugstore parking lot, the front porch of a crack house, a toxic waste dump, or the place that symbolizes your secret shame -- and build a shrine devoted to beauty, truth, and love.
Here are some suggestions about what to put in your shrine: a silk scarf; a smooth rock on which you've inscribed a haiku or joke with a felt-tip pen; coconut cookies or ginger candy; pumpkin seeds and an origami crane; a green kite shaped like a dragon; a music CD you love; a photo of your hero; a votive candle carved with your word of power; a rubber ducky; a bouquet of fresh beets; a print of Van Gogh's Starry Night.
3. Late at night when there's no traffic, stride down the middle of an empty road that by day is crawling with cars. Dance, careen, and sing songs that fill you with pleasurable emotions. Splay your arms triumphantly as you extemporize prayers in which you make extravagant demands and promises.
Give pet names to the trees you pass, declare your admiration for the workers who made the road, and celebrate your sovereignty over a territory that usually belongs to heavy machines and their operators.
4. What causes happiness? Brainstorm about it. Map out the foundations of your personal science of joy. Get serious about defining what makes you feel good.
To get you started, I'll name some experiences that might rouse your gratification: engaging in sensual pleasure; seeking the truth; being kind and moral; contemplating the meaning of life; escaping your routine; purging pent-up emotions. Do any of these work for you? Name at least ten more.
5. Have you ever seen the game called "Playing the Dozens"? Participants compete in the exercise of hurling witty insults at each other. Here are some examples: "You're so dumb, if you spoke your mind you'd be speechless." "Your mother is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper." "You're so ugly, you couldn't get laid if you were a brick."
I invite you to rebel against any impulse in you that resonates with the spirit of "Playing the Dozens." Instead, try a new game, "Paying the Tributes." Choose worthy targets and ransack your imagination to come up with smart, true, and amusing praise about them.
The best stuff will be specific to the person you're addressing, not generic, but here are some prototypes: "You're so far-seeing, you can probably catch a glimpse of the back of your own head." "You're so ingenious, you could use your nightmares to get rich and famous." "Your mastery of pronoia is so artful, you could convince me to love my worst enemy."
6. Salvador Dalà once staged a party in which guests were told to come disguised as characters from their nightmares. Do the reverse. Throw a bash in which everyone is invited to arrive dressed as a character from the most glorious dream they remember.
7. On a big piece of cardboard, make a sign that says, "I love to help; I need to give; please take some money." Then go out and stand on a traffic island while wearing your best clothes, and give away money to passing motorists. Offer a little more to drivers in rusty brown Pinto station wagons and 1976 El Camino Classics than those in a late-model Lexus or Jaguar.
8. In response to our culture's ever-rising levels of noise and frenzy, rites of purification have become more popular. Many people now recognize the value of taking periodic retreats. Withdrawing from their usual compulsions, they go on fasts, avoid mass media, practice celibacy, or even abstain from speaking.
While we applaud cleansing ceremonies like this, we recommend balancing them with periodic outbreaks of an equal and opposite custom: the Bliss Blitz.
During this celebration, you tune out the numbing banality of the daily grind. But instead of shrinking into asceticism, you indulge in uninhibited explorations of joy, release, and expansion. Turning away from the mildly stimulating distractions you seek out when you're bored or worried, you become inexhaustibly resourceful as you search for unsurpassable sources of cathartic pleasure.
Try it for a day or a week: the Bliss Blitz.
9. When many people talk about their childhoods, they emphasize the alienating, traumatic experiences they had, and fail to report the good times. This seems dishonest—a testament to the popularity of cynicism rather than a reflection of objective truth.
I don't mean to downplay the way your early encounters with pain demoralized your spirit. But as you reconnoiter the promise of pronoia, it's crucial for you to extol the gifts you were given in your early years: all the helpful encounters, kind teachings, and simple acts of grace that helped you bloom.
In Homer's epic tale The Odyssey, he described nepenthe, a mythical drug that induced the forgetfulness of pain and trouble. I'd like to imagine, in contrast, a potion that stirs up memories of delight, serenity, and fulfillment. Fantasize that you have taken such a tonic. Spend an hour or two remembering the glorious moments from your past.
10. "You can't wait for inspiration," proclaimed writer Jack London. "You have to go after it with a club." That sounds too violent to me, though I agree in principle that aggressiveness is the best policy in one's relationship with inspiration.
Try this: Don't wait for inspiration. Go after it with a butterfly net, lasso, sweet treats, fishing rod, court orders, beguiling smells, and sincere flattery.
11. Become a rapturist, which is the opposite of a terrorist: Conspire to unleash blessings on unsuspecting recipients, causing them to feel good.
Before bringing your work as a rapturist to strangers, practice with two close companions. Offer them each a gift that fires up their ambitions. It should not be a practical necessity or consumer fetish, but rather a provocative tool or toy. Give them an imaginative boon they've been hesitant to ask for, a beautiful thing that expands their self-image, a surprising intervention that says, "I love the way you move me."
12. "There are two ways for a person to look for adventure," said the Lone Ranger, an old TV character. "By tearing everything down, or building everything up." Give an example of each from your own life.
13. To many people, "sacrifice" is a demoralizing word that connotes deprivation. Is that how you feel? Do you make sacrifices because you're forced to, or maybe because your generosity prompts you to incur a loss in order to further a good cause?
Originally, "sacrifice" had a different meaning: to give up something valuable in order that something even more valuable might be obtained. Carry out an action that embodies this definition. For instance, sacrifice a mediocre pleasure so as to free yourself to pursue a more exalted pleasure.
14. What is the holiest river in the world? Some might say the Ganges in India. Others would propose the Jordan River or the River Nile. But I say the holiest river is the one that's closest to where you are right now.
Go to that river and commune with it. Throw a small treasure into it as an offering. Next, find a holy sidewalk to walk on, praise the holiness in a bus driver, kiss a holy tree, and shop at a holy store.
15. Are other people luckier than you? If so, psychologist Richard Wiseman says you can do something about it. His book The Luck Factor presents research that proves you can learn to be lucky. It's not a mystical force you're born with, he says, but a habit you can develop.
How? For starters, be open to new experiences, trust your gut wisdom, expect good fortune, see the bright side of challenging events, and master the art of maximizing serendipitous opportunities.
Name three specific actions you'll try in order to improve your luck.
16. Entomologist Justin O. Schmidt drew up an index to categorize the discomfort caused by stinging insects. The attack of the bald-faced hornet is "rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door." A paper wasp delivers pain that's "caustic and burning," with a "distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut." The sweat bee, on the other hand, can hurt you in a way that's "light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm."
In bringing this to your attention, I want to inspire the pronoiac rebel in you. Your homework is to create an equally nuanced and precise index of three experiences that feel really good.
17. Some scholars believe the original Garden of Eden was where Iraq stands today. Though remnants of that ancient paradise survived into modern times, many were obliterated during the American war on Iraq. A Beauty and Truth Lab researcher who lives near the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers kept us posted on the fate of the most famous remnant: the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Until the invasion, it was a gnarled stump near Nasiriyah. But today it's gone; only a crater remains.
Let this serve as an evocative symbol for you as you demolish your old ideas about paradise, freeing you up to conjure a fresh vision of your ideal realm.
18. "Two chemicals called actin and myosin evolved eons ago to allow the muscles in insect wings to contract and relax," writes Deepak Chopra in The Book of Secrets. "Today, the same two proteins are responsible for the beating of the human heart."
If you use your imagination, you can sense the connection between the flight of a dragonfly and the intelligent organ that renews its commitment to keeping you alive every second of your life. So use your imagination.
19. Is the world a dangerous, chaotic place with no inherent purpose, running on automatic like a malfunctioning machine and fundamentally inimical to your happiness? Or are you surrounded by helpers in a friendly universe that gives you challenges in order to make you smarter and wilder and kinder and trickier?
Trick questions! The answers may depend, at least to some degree, on what you believe is true.
Formulate a series of experiments that will allow you to objectively test the hypothesis that the universe is conspiring to help you.
20. The primary meaning of the word "healing" is "to cure what's diseased or broken." Medical practitioners focus on sick people. Philanthropists donate their money and social workers contribute their time to helping the underprivileged. Psychotherapists wrestle with their clients' traumas and neuroses.
I'm in awe of them all. The level of one's spiritual wisdom, I believe, is more accurately measured by helping people in need than by meditation skills, shamanic shapeshifting, supernatural powers, or esoteric knowledge.
But I also believe in a second kind of healing that is largely unrecognized: to supercharge what is already healthy; to lift up what's merely sufficient to a sublime state. Using this definition, describe two acts of healing: one you would enjoy performing on yourself and another you'd like to provide for someone you love.
P.S. What would the world look like if there were doctors who specialized in fostering robust health in their patients? What if the textbooks that psychotherapists used to evaluate their clients were crammed not just with descriptions of pathological states, but also with a catalogue of every variety of bliss, integrity, magnanimity, eros, and wisdom? Imagine how odd and wonderful it would be if universities began turning out professionals in a brand new field, the science of happiness.
21. Those who explore pronoia often find they have a growing capacity to help people laugh at themselves. While few arbiters of morality recognize this skill as a mark of high character, I put it near the top of my list. In my view, inducing people to take themselves less seriously is a supreme virtue. Do you have any interest in cultivating it? How might you go about it?
22 "Creativity is like driving a car at night," said E. L. Doctorow. "You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I would add that life itself is like driving a car at night. You're often in the dark except for what's right in front of you. At least that's usually the case.
But for a few shining hours sometime soon, I predict you'll be able to see the big picture of where you're headed. It will be as if the whole world is suddenly illuminated by a prolonged burst of light; as if you're both driving your car and also watching your journey from high above. Write about what you see.
Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings
The website is http://www.freewillastrology.com/home.shtml
And here's a (VERY LONG) excerpt:
Pronoia Therapy
In my book Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings, I offer an extensive array of experiments, games, rituals, and meditations you can use to boost your levels of ingenious happiness. Below is an excerpt of a few of those exercises.
If you feel so moved, send your responses and testimony to me at beautyandtruth@freewillastrology.com.
*
TORRENTIAL PRONOIA THERAPY
Experiments and exercises in becoming a blasphemously reverent, lustfully compassionate, eternally changing Master of Transgressive Beauty
1. Take inventory of the extent to which your "No" reflex dominates your life. Notice for 24 hours (even in your dreams) how often you say or think.
"No."
"That's not right."
"I don't like them."
"I don't agree with that."
"They don't like me."
"That should be different from what it is."
Then retrain yourself to say "YES" at least 51 percent of the time. Start the transformation by saying "YES" aloud 22 times right now.
2. Go to the ugliest or most forlorn place you know -- a drugstore parking lot, the front porch of a crack house, a toxic waste dump, or the place that symbolizes your secret shame -- and build a shrine devoted to beauty, truth, and love.
Here are some suggestions about what to put in your shrine: a silk scarf; a smooth rock on which you've inscribed a haiku or joke with a felt-tip pen; coconut cookies or ginger candy; pumpkin seeds and an origami crane; a green kite shaped like a dragon; a music CD you love; a photo of your hero; a votive candle carved with your word of power; a rubber ducky; a bouquet of fresh beets; a print of Van Gogh's Starry Night.
3. Late at night when there's no traffic, stride down the middle of an empty road that by day is crawling with cars. Dance, careen, and sing songs that fill you with pleasurable emotions. Splay your arms triumphantly as you extemporize prayers in which you make extravagant demands and promises.
Give pet names to the trees you pass, declare your admiration for the workers who made the road, and celebrate your sovereignty over a territory that usually belongs to heavy machines and their operators.
4. What causes happiness? Brainstorm about it. Map out the foundations of your personal science of joy. Get serious about defining what makes you feel good.
To get you started, I'll name some experiences that might rouse your gratification: engaging in sensual pleasure; seeking the truth; being kind and moral; contemplating the meaning of life; escaping your routine; purging pent-up emotions. Do any of these work for you? Name at least ten more.
5. Have you ever seen the game called "Playing the Dozens"? Participants compete in the exercise of hurling witty insults at each other. Here are some examples: "You're so dumb, if you spoke your mind you'd be speechless." "Your mother is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper." "You're so ugly, you couldn't get laid if you were a brick."
I invite you to rebel against any impulse in you that resonates with the spirit of "Playing the Dozens." Instead, try a new game, "Paying the Tributes." Choose worthy targets and ransack your imagination to come up with smart, true, and amusing praise about them.
The best stuff will be specific to the person you're addressing, not generic, but here are some prototypes: "You're so far-seeing, you can probably catch a glimpse of the back of your own head." "You're so ingenious, you could use your nightmares to get rich and famous." "Your mastery of pronoia is so artful, you could convince me to love my worst enemy."
6. Salvador Dalà once staged a party in which guests were told to come disguised as characters from their nightmares. Do the reverse. Throw a bash in which everyone is invited to arrive dressed as a character from the most glorious dream they remember.
7. On a big piece of cardboard, make a sign that says, "I love to help; I need to give; please take some money." Then go out and stand on a traffic island while wearing your best clothes, and give away money to passing motorists. Offer a little more to drivers in rusty brown Pinto station wagons and 1976 El Camino Classics than those in a late-model Lexus or Jaguar.
8. In response to our culture's ever-rising levels of noise and frenzy, rites of purification have become more popular. Many people now recognize the value of taking periodic retreats. Withdrawing from their usual compulsions, they go on fasts, avoid mass media, practice celibacy, or even abstain from speaking.
While we applaud cleansing ceremonies like this, we recommend balancing them with periodic outbreaks of an equal and opposite custom: the Bliss Blitz.
During this celebration, you tune out the numbing banality of the daily grind. But instead of shrinking into asceticism, you indulge in uninhibited explorations of joy, release, and expansion. Turning away from the mildly stimulating distractions you seek out when you're bored or worried, you become inexhaustibly resourceful as you search for unsurpassable sources of cathartic pleasure.
Try it for a day or a week: the Bliss Blitz.
9. When many people talk about their childhoods, they emphasize the alienating, traumatic experiences they had, and fail to report the good times. This seems dishonest—a testament to the popularity of cynicism rather than a reflection of objective truth.
I don't mean to downplay the way your early encounters with pain demoralized your spirit. But as you reconnoiter the promise of pronoia, it's crucial for you to extol the gifts you were given in your early years: all the helpful encounters, kind teachings, and simple acts of grace that helped you bloom.
In Homer's epic tale The Odyssey, he described nepenthe, a mythical drug that induced the forgetfulness of pain and trouble. I'd like to imagine, in contrast, a potion that stirs up memories of delight, serenity, and fulfillment. Fantasize that you have taken such a tonic. Spend an hour or two remembering the glorious moments from your past.
10. "You can't wait for inspiration," proclaimed writer Jack London. "You have to go after it with a club." That sounds too violent to me, though I agree in principle that aggressiveness is the best policy in one's relationship with inspiration.
Try this: Don't wait for inspiration. Go after it with a butterfly net, lasso, sweet treats, fishing rod, court orders, beguiling smells, and sincere flattery.
11. Become a rapturist, which is the opposite of a terrorist: Conspire to unleash blessings on unsuspecting recipients, causing them to feel good.
Before bringing your work as a rapturist to strangers, practice with two close companions. Offer them each a gift that fires up their ambitions. It should not be a practical necessity or consumer fetish, but rather a provocative tool or toy. Give them an imaginative boon they've been hesitant to ask for, a beautiful thing that expands their self-image, a surprising intervention that says, "I love the way you move me."
12. "There are two ways for a person to look for adventure," said the Lone Ranger, an old TV character. "By tearing everything down, or building everything up." Give an example of each from your own life.
13. To many people, "sacrifice" is a demoralizing word that connotes deprivation. Is that how you feel? Do you make sacrifices because you're forced to, or maybe because your generosity prompts you to incur a loss in order to further a good cause?
Originally, "sacrifice" had a different meaning: to give up something valuable in order that something even more valuable might be obtained. Carry out an action that embodies this definition. For instance, sacrifice a mediocre pleasure so as to free yourself to pursue a more exalted pleasure.
14. What is the holiest river in the world? Some might say the Ganges in India. Others would propose the Jordan River or the River Nile. But I say the holiest river is the one that's closest to where you are right now.
Go to that river and commune with it. Throw a small treasure into it as an offering. Next, find a holy sidewalk to walk on, praise the holiness in a bus driver, kiss a holy tree, and shop at a holy store.
15. Are other people luckier than you? If so, psychologist Richard Wiseman says you can do something about it. His book The Luck Factor presents research that proves you can learn to be lucky. It's not a mystical force you're born with, he says, but a habit you can develop.
How? For starters, be open to new experiences, trust your gut wisdom, expect good fortune, see the bright side of challenging events, and master the art of maximizing serendipitous opportunities.
Name three specific actions you'll try in order to improve your luck.
16. Entomologist Justin O. Schmidt drew up an index to categorize the discomfort caused by stinging insects. The attack of the bald-faced hornet is "rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door." A paper wasp delivers pain that's "caustic and burning," with a "distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut." The sweat bee, on the other hand, can hurt you in a way that's "light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm."
In bringing this to your attention, I want to inspire the pronoiac rebel in you. Your homework is to create an equally nuanced and precise index of three experiences that feel really good.
17. Some scholars believe the original Garden of Eden was where Iraq stands today. Though remnants of that ancient paradise survived into modern times, many were obliterated during the American war on Iraq. A Beauty and Truth Lab researcher who lives near the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers kept us posted on the fate of the most famous remnant: the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Until the invasion, it was a gnarled stump near Nasiriyah. But today it's gone; only a crater remains.
Let this serve as an evocative symbol for you as you demolish your old ideas about paradise, freeing you up to conjure a fresh vision of your ideal realm.
18. "Two chemicals called actin and myosin evolved eons ago to allow the muscles in insect wings to contract and relax," writes Deepak Chopra in The Book of Secrets. "Today, the same two proteins are responsible for the beating of the human heart."
If you use your imagination, you can sense the connection between the flight of a dragonfly and the intelligent organ that renews its commitment to keeping you alive every second of your life. So use your imagination.
19. Is the world a dangerous, chaotic place with no inherent purpose, running on automatic like a malfunctioning machine and fundamentally inimical to your happiness? Or are you surrounded by helpers in a friendly universe that gives you challenges in order to make you smarter and wilder and kinder and trickier?
Trick questions! The answers may depend, at least to some degree, on what you believe is true.
Formulate a series of experiments that will allow you to objectively test the hypothesis that the universe is conspiring to help you.
20. The primary meaning of the word "healing" is "to cure what's diseased or broken." Medical practitioners focus on sick people. Philanthropists donate their money and social workers contribute their time to helping the underprivileged. Psychotherapists wrestle with their clients' traumas and neuroses.
I'm in awe of them all. The level of one's spiritual wisdom, I believe, is more accurately measured by helping people in need than by meditation skills, shamanic shapeshifting, supernatural powers, or esoteric knowledge.
But I also believe in a second kind of healing that is largely unrecognized: to supercharge what is already healthy; to lift up what's merely sufficient to a sublime state. Using this definition, describe two acts of healing: one you would enjoy performing on yourself and another you'd like to provide for someone you love.
P.S. What would the world look like if there were doctors who specialized in fostering robust health in their patients? What if the textbooks that psychotherapists used to evaluate their clients were crammed not just with descriptions of pathological states, but also with a catalogue of every variety of bliss, integrity, magnanimity, eros, and wisdom? Imagine how odd and wonderful it would be if universities began turning out professionals in a brand new field, the science of happiness.
21. Those who explore pronoia often find they have a growing capacity to help people laugh at themselves. While few arbiters of morality recognize this skill as a mark of high character, I put it near the top of my list. In my view, inducing people to take themselves less seriously is a supreme virtue. Do you have any interest in cultivating it? How might you go about it?
22 "Creativity is like driving a car at night," said E. L. Doctorow. "You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I would add that life itself is like driving a car at night. You're often in the dark except for what's right in front of you. At least that's usually the case.
But for a few shining hours sometime soon, I predict you'll be able to see the big picture of where you're headed. It will be as if the whole world is suddenly illuminated by a prolonged burst of light; as if you're both driving your car and also watching your journey from high above. Write about what you see.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Jai's first haircut
Skateboard Park Last Week
The kids had a blast at our local skateboard park last week. It was almost empty, so they went down into the tubes -- including Noble!! He had such a blast :))
Weapons
cheap to make, which is a sweet treat :)
Celebrate What's Right with the World
This is an amazing video by Dewitt Jones - National Geographic
Photographer and Inspirational Speaker
Dewitt Jones offers inspirational programs. Here is a quote from one of them :)
Everyday Creativity teaches a surprising truth about creativity: that it’s not a magical, mysterious occurrence, but a ready tool that enables you to look at the ordinary and see the extraordinary.
You can see more about this program and his others here:
http://www.everydaycreativityfilm.com/
Photographer and Inspirational Speaker
Dewitt Jones offers inspirational programs. Here is a quote from one of them :)
Everyday Creativity teaches a surprising truth about creativity: that it’s not a magical, mysterious occurrence, but a ready tool that enables you to look at the ordinary and see the extraordinary.
You can see more about this program and his others here:
http://www.everydaycreativityfilm.com/
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Buddha Quotes
All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone, everything is in relation to everything else.
All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?
He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike, each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.
In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west. People create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.
All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?
He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike, each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.
In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west. People create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.
Anxiety
So, I have been having some back-and-forth emails with my newly pregnant sister about birth stuff, and she mentions that she thinks I have anxiety (long story about how we went from pregnancy stuff to this -- lol). At first I brush it off. I mean, I have seen people with anxiety, and I don't do that! Then she shares with me how it comes out in my dad and herself, and it clicks!!! Oh, you mean that restless feeling inside of me like I need to stay busy and keep moving at 150 miles per hour because I am scared to just sit and be? Oh, that feeling?! So, since she mentioned this last night, I have been really sitting with this. Once I started to really tap into it and how far-reaching it is in my life, I am amazed. So much of my life has been lived and choices made from this place of static on my frequency. It is my mental hyperactivity, and my impatience to wait on something when I have an idea or start a project, and why I talk AT people instead of WITH them, and why I am petrified of connecting with new people and of conflict. This list could go on and on, but I will save you the details :)) So, I have been thinking of the causes or where it may stem from... LOTS of discomfort in my childhood, transitions that left me jarred, probably learned from my parents, too, since they both have classic reasons to have it also). And I have been noticing today how I have passed this on to my kids: Kass is a bit crazy with anxiety, with all that she has experienced and with hormones swelling up. Even Noble has some minor stuff. And poor Jai is gonna develop it if I keep trying to hand her an interesting toy and sneek off to clean something (where she freaks out once she realizes I have left). Not saying that some anxiety isn't completely appropriate or even healthy (like stress) -- in fact, I think that it is a signal. When I feel it swelling up in my chest, I ask myself what's going on, what is this trying to tell me?
The funny part about this is that I had heard within the last few months that depression is usually coupled with anxiety, and it made sense to me, so I was trying to find where I might have anxiety in my life, but I couldn't find it. Like a fish wondering where water is, I think. And when my sister gave that example of my dad being nervous and just talking and talking, it just became clear to me. I have really enjoyed being able to pick it out in my life, enjoyed having this lens to see things from differently now :) I feel like I understand so much from my childhood now (like my step mom and my mom both saying I was hyperactive upon returning from the other's care and why I developed an eating disorder while at my dad's house. So much...
So, I wanted to share this here with you all, because you may have noticed this about me or seen it impact my relationship with people. Also, I wanted to share what I have decided to do about it. First off all, I am going to hug that little girl inside me Everytime I feel it, who developed anxiety as a way of coping when no one would just hug her and tell her it will all be okay, that they will stay right there with her until it is all okay. I am going to see it as a signal that I need some assurance and love. I am going to try to just BE more often -- less channeling of that mental and emotional hyperactive and less running for the next distraction, more sitting and feeling what is coming up for me and for my kids, more relaxing, more breathing and meditating. I can do a lot -- it's doing a little that is challenging for me. I asked myself what I felt like was the opposite of this anxiety (or whatever label fits this restless feeling I get), and I decidedon relaxed and easy-going, so I'm going to put the Law of Attraction into place and embody the chillaxed, carefree, bohemian mama I want so badly to be. Fuck stressing over the messes.
Oh, and one other big part of this for me. A HUGE aspect of this anxiety was feeling judged by people. Well, I pulled some other stuff into this context and realized that those judgments I thought I was feeling from others was my own insecurities about my life. Anything I could possibly want from other people (acceptance, stop trying to fix me or even seeing me as needingto be fixed, etc.), really I needed to give them to myself. People just pick up on my vibes, and if I am all wacky, they are going to feel that I am wacky! And it's fine to be wacky -- it's just not who I want to be or who I want people to see me as. So, back to this alignment with that deeper self that I have been talking about... When I calm the static on my frequency and align deeply with the vibration I want to be on and eminate, I see people see and feel it. THAT is who I want to be :)
The funny part about this is that I had heard within the last few months that depression is usually coupled with anxiety, and it made sense to me, so I was trying to find where I might have anxiety in my life, but I couldn't find it. Like a fish wondering where water is, I think. And when my sister gave that example of my dad being nervous and just talking and talking, it just became clear to me. I have really enjoyed being able to pick it out in my life, enjoyed having this lens to see things from differently now :) I feel like I understand so much from my childhood now (like my step mom and my mom both saying I was hyperactive upon returning from the other's care and why I developed an eating disorder while at my dad's house. So much...
So, I wanted to share this here with you all, because you may have noticed this about me or seen it impact my relationship with people. Also, I wanted to share what I have decided to do about it. First off all, I am going to hug that little girl inside me Everytime I feel it, who developed anxiety as a way of coping when no one would just hug her and tell her it will all be okay, that they will stay right there with her until it is all okay. I am going to see it as a signal that I need some assurance and love. I am going to try to just BE more often -- less channeling of that mental and emotional hyperactive and less running for the next distraction, more sitting and feeling what is coming up for me and for my kids, more relaxing, more breathing and meditating. I can do a lot -- it's doing a little that is challenging for me. I asked myself what I felt like was the opposite of this anxiety (or whatever label fits this restless feeling I get), and I decidedon relaxed and easy-going, so I'm going to put the Law of Attraction into place and embody the chillaxed, carefree, bohemian mama I want so badly to be. Fuck stressing over the messes.
Oh, and one other big part of this for me. A HUGE aspect of this anxiety was feeling judged by people. Well, I pulled some other stuff into this context and realized that those judgments I thought I was feeling from others was my own insecurities about my life. Anything I could possibly want from other people (acceptance, stop trying to fix me or even seeing me as needingto be fixed, etc.), really I needed to give them to myself. People just pick up on my vibes, and if I am all wacky, they are going to feel that I am wacky! And it's fine to be wacky -- it's just not who I want to be or who I want people to see me as. So, back to this alignment with that deeper self that I have been talking about... When I calm the static on my frequency and align deeply with the vibration I want to be on and eminate, I see people see and feel it. THAT is who I want to be :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Where the Wild Things Are
The book: I loved the concept, except the chasing the dog and the punitive parenting part of sending the boy off without dinner. I still read it with my son and trusted that he was taking what he wanted from it or he wouldn't be asking me to read it over and over. Besides, who could resist such awesome art!!! I had lots of childhood attachments to it, so I was sad to see those areas of discomfort (mentioned earlier) for me. The movie: omg, I LOVED the cinematography, the costumes, the actors, the acting, the soundtrack (listening to it as we speak -- my inspiration to write this blog), the symbolism from the original book -- just amazing. There was a lot of exciting wildness in it!! Lots of fun ideas to play with and explore more. My biggest concern with the movie is something that I see reflected in a greater understanding: that "wild" inevitably leads to what I understood as dysfunction. Yes, wild is messy and can be hurtful, physically and emotionally, but I feel like there is so much wonderful stuff that comes from living free that was not touched upon in the movie. One of my favorite things to do is think of how I would do things differently given the chance (an opportunity for critical thinking and how I love tailoring and personalizing my life), and it is full of opportunities for that, which is why I am writing this. For the record, I was sharing about this with Kassidy yesterday, and I said I felt like the dysfunction in the wild things was a reflection of the dysfunction in Max's life at that point. Figured I would toss that out, for what it's worth :)) I want to play with lots of ideas about being wild and develop my own understanding of it and how it feels before I read the book "Women Who Run With Wolves". I have picked up on bits from my life and from my educational background in psychology that leave me with the feeling that wild and free is healing and naturally organizing. It's kinda the opposite of dysfunction. And it is one big reason I chose and love witnessing unschooling. Not all unshoolers are so passionate about being wild, about raising ferrel and uncaged and free-roaming kids. I am passionate about witnessing my kids being true to themselves in their own right and refining things as they see fit. Sometimes it is messy, and I can find myself unpacking stuff from my past through the experiences, and it is all perfect, and I love every moment of it :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
All I See Is Me
April 2010:
Lots to think about there, as I explore different meanings and peel back layers.
When I said it, I meant all of life that I notice is a reflection of something inside of me. Then I started understanding it as my quest of self. Sooooo interesting to me :)
In this quest of self, I have recently decided that in order to see life from me, I am going to let go of seeing me or life from other's perspectives. I have been so distracted from my own narrow path by trying to keep it broad, and I want to focus in forthe time being. And I am going to stop worrying about seeing me from another's perspective and just focus on seeing me from my perspective. I know that what others are seeing about me are reflections of them, anyway. I want to focus on me -- talk about healing!!! I am so excited about this!!! I have been SO self-conscious for too long, this is going to feel amazing! The best part is that I think it is going to lead to my outside aligning with my inside -- or maybe just my ability to see that it already does. It is going to be so liberating to just be without worrying what it looks like -- like my broken-tooth smile, and juggley body bouncing as I run or dance or wave my arms like a wild person whilst playing with my son, or whatever. I don't feel like that person, and I think not stressing over that person will make them disappear -- law of attraction, right?
Today, while I was playing with my son at the park, I had this ah-ha moment about being able to FEEL when I wasn't focused outward. I was very clearly tuned in to my body -- how I feel when I eat watermelon and spinach, as opposed to cupcakes. It was an awesome moment that I look forward to finding more of in life :)
Lots to think about there, as I explore different meanings and peel back layers.
When I said it, I meant all of life that I notice is a reflection of something inside of me. Then I started understanding it as my quest of self. Sooooo interesting to me :)
In this quest of self, I have recently decided that in order to see life from me, I am going to let go of seeing me or life from other's perspectives. I have been so distracted from my own narrow path by trying to keep it broad, and I want to focus in forthe time being. And I am going to stop worrying about seeing me from another's perspective and just focus on seeing me from my perspective. I know that what others are seeing about me are reflections of them, anyway. I want to focus on me -- talk about healing!!! I am so excited about this!!! I have been SO self-conscious for too long, this is going to feel amazing! The best part is that I think it is going to lead to my outside aligning with my inside -- or maybe just my ability to see that it already does. It is going to be so liberating to just be without worrying what it looks like -- like my broken-tooth smile, and juggley body bouncing as I run or dance or wave my arms like a wild person whilst playing with my son, or whatever. I don't feel like that person, and I think not stressing over that person will make them disappear -- law of attraction, right?
Today, while I was playing with my son at the park, I had this ah-ha moment about being able to FEEL when I wasn't focused outward. I was very clearly tuned in to my body -- how I feel when I eat watermelon and spinach, as opposed to cupcakes. It was an awesome moment that I look forward to finding more of in life :)
Buncha Stuff
There has been lots of dialogue on the RU with LoA list, and I just decided I wanted to share my responses here, because there was so much good stuff in there. This was all written in the last couple days. I understand that it isn't going to make complete sense in some areas, because it is kind of in response to stuff someone was asking about, AND I think it will be okay, too :). The rest is my responses:
My son is new-3, and we have dealt with a lot of hitting. I am realizing, as I type this, that there are various kinds of hitting we have encountered. Some was because my son didn't have words and he was mad but not trying to intentionally hurt someone, in which case I tried lots of stuff waiting for him to get to a place where he could use his words instead. We tried helping him find and use some simple words, like "no" or "stop" or "mine" and then responding quickly and helpfully when he used them to show him they worked for meeting his needs. We also tried yelling "I'm mad!". And we tried hitting or biting a pillow or me palms. When he got older and was used to play fighting, if he got angry and hit I would say, "hey, I'm not ready to fight -- get me a sword first.". I always addresses the need underlying the action and eventually he got old enough to be comfortable using words instead of hitting -- I feel it really was maturity thing not something I had to teach him. We just used lots of different tools (words to empower, games to make it fun, etc.) to help give him options for expression and also to help him develop the maturity to understand hitting. Some ways we practiced these tools was through role-play, having his toys act these things out, telling stories about haracters who did these things, whatever way was fun for both of us :)
More recently, his baby sister (7 months old) has started to take his toys to play with them, or she will pull on him trying to stand or something. Sometimes this kind of thing makes him mad and he may hut or push her. I have found that often he is as upset as she is by this. He will curl into a ball and be sad. I comfort them both and might say to him, "You are sad that she is hurt, hah? She was taking your toy, wasn't she? What if we found some toys for her to play with so she won't want yours?" Or I will ask him what he thinks might help her not want his toys or whatever. He often has great suggestions. He may hit again, but I trust that he is building in his learning and feel he is so blessed to have someone keep his sense of feeling bad intact -- too often parents will berate a child or tell them they are wrong. My son knows what he did hurt and already feels bad about it -- I definately don't need to do that.
I feel like I was so in your place when I started researching unschooling, especially whole-life unschooling. I wanted to say that maybe Naomi isn't right for you at this time? Maybe something else would work better? Read Naomi when you get it and it makes you feel good, you know? Listen to your journey -- there is no path ahead of you to follow; you are making your own. (Hey, I like that!) What I'm trying to say is there is no prescribed reading list, no "other person's way" that will work for you (although bits and pieces from various people will feel so right!!). Do what feels right to you. For me, that meant rushing into this life, even though I kept hearing to take it slow. It felt so right to me, how could I do any different knowing it didn't feel right anymore? I wanted to be a certain distance in, and so I sprinted, and so it was right for me :). Once I consumed as much as I could at that pace, I started to slow down and have been chugging along ever since :). For me, radical unschooling wasn't a question of if it was right for us, but how do I let go of so much crap I was holding on to and do this? And then I learned the importance of funding my way. Unschooling is like every umbrella term: there are a lot of differences and you find which one works for you. The best thing about radical unschoolers is that usually they are so much more understanding and accepting of people's paths and differences (I mean, it's kind of the point of unschooling :).
I can soooooooooo understand how being a parent to your daughter is so different. I have worked with people with developmental disabilities for over 7 years (until my son was born and I have been a stay-at-home mama --yay!), and I have worked with families and group homes and classrooms, and I can so relate to the amazing and exciting contrast in what your parenting has been to what it is and can be now -- wow, your description was so easy for me to feel! The most important suggestion I can give is just make sure she knows how much you love her, because she will be better for it regardless of the details that may come, and because it will help you to make whatever choices you find to be best in each moment :). My mom did not parent me the way I find so important to do with my kids, but I knew she loved me and I could forgive and understand a lot <3
One of the beauties and the challenges of unschooling is that there is no manual to how to do it. Listen to yourself and keep looking for explanations that sound and feel right to you :)
Lots of love on your adventure,
Before I keep reading, I wanted to share something I have learned about interpretting tone via internet and also about reading suggestions.
First of all, when someone tells me about an incident, I draw from experience which may be very different than the typer's experience. Too often I have misjudged a situation because of my own ears and background, even when I KNOW the person is such a consciencious (sp?) parent.
The other thing I wanted to share is that I have always been a more-than-mainstream repsectful and creative solutions parent, and so when I read unschooling stuff about thus huge difference I needed to make, I was striving for something soooooooo big and not trusting where I had come from. Then I hit a place where I remembered and realized that my previous parenting wasn't THAT different and so striving for a HUGE change wasn't "needed" to attain respectful parenting and such. The funny thing is that I would get so stressed out trying to be the most respectful and feeling bad about myself, that I would get grouchy and ended up being more controlling and mean at times! So, once I understood that, really, I had already been on this path for a long time, that this was just a new chapter not a new book entirely, it was easier for me to see where my previous way and "current" way fit into all of this. I am sharing all of this because it sounds like you come from a very respectful and loving place already -- you sound like a wonderful mama!!!!!!! Did you hear that? Did you feel it? I hope so, because someone told me this and it made a difference: you obviously love your children, and you are here, aren't you (as in still moving toward trying to do even more)? Make sure and give yourself credit for all of the ways you are alread living the way you want to -- you can accept now and still change, too :). For me, being kind to myself made it much easier for me to be kind to my kids -- when I stopped trying to be perfect and allowed myself to be human, I was (well, am definately still working on this one lol) able to extend this to my children, too.
Some amazing sites I read were sandradodd.com and joyfullyrejoycing.com. I loved the movie Yes Man in understanding the power of saying yes :). I loved the concept of asking myself "why not?" for every request my daughter had or everything my son wanted to do (much younger so less words). I loved rethinking "should"s and "have to"s, to really understand why and who they were really all about (and remembering that each of them could probably be unpacked deeper and deeper and might mean something else later down the road). The Continuum Concept (and discussions I had with friends on it) helped me to really truly trust my kids' natural journeys and not want to push or accelorate (sp?) their learning.
In fact, I found myself questioning my preconceived notions about calming a child down, as I have been reading this chain of emails. Could trying to calm a child after an upset always be best for them? Why do we have such judgment of the feeling of anger and of letting out our upsets? Just like needing a good cry when I want one, maybe I need a good outburst when I need one? Maybe trying to channel it into something "acceptable" isn't the way to always go? Maybe it just needs to be released? Maybe stuffing it isn't beneficial for long-term understanding of feelings and expressing them? I dunno. Still new for me, so I have to work out the kinks, but figured I'd toss it out there anyway. I guess I trust that if my kid gets angry about something and wants to have a tantrum about it, maybe I can trust their own path and their life-learning and that they may need it in some way if it is what comes natural to them, rather than trying to show them a more "acceptable" way of handling themself or rushing feelings back to a place of comfort. Like I said, I dunno.
Another thing I did was an exercise I did for life and then extended it to this situation as it came up: I was viewing the world through the lens of love, seeing every interaction as an act of some kind of love -- love for self, love for a possession, love for silence, love for fun, whatever. Hmmmm, interesting to revisit that -- gonna play with it even more :). That helped, though, in being able to understand and accept my child's behavior that was one usually viewed negatively. Also, I will share again, that I recently heard a perspective that I really loved about anger having a root of fear -- fear of not being heard, of not having a need met, of being hurt, etc. When I can find the need being expressed and meet it, it often disipates the anger. I have found that applying this understanding to my kids' arguments helps me to understand how best to help them feel better and prevents future explosions since their needs are being met or they know I will help them make sure they will be (not as a way of avoiding or ignoring anger or things that cause anger, but there just not being any in areas there may have been).
I am really enjoying all this dialogue and opportunities to share and reflect and listen :)
I wanted to toss some more thoughts into the mix. I was thinking about what you were saying about how you feel A*** has shifted back to her usual self, and I was reading all this stuff about being polite/using manners. Wow, good stuff, as I, too, have been socially trained to the umpth degree and am trying to do differently with my kids. I think this is a great and useful discussion -- however, it seems to me that maybe what started it was something different than An*** using manners or not.
This is what I am thinking -- what if the "rudeness" A*** was displaying was a sign that there was some stuff going on inside of her, and your shift that has maybe brought you to be more connected with her shifted her insides to feel better? Can't remember the author, but on a website someone said something to the effect of how connected you are to your kids correlates positively to how cooperative they are -- note, cooperative is different from obediant, it is more of a happy partnership than just "doing what I'm told to do".
In the past, when my daughter was going through some stuff in life, it was so clearly displayed through her mood and actions. She was a conductor of her environment, and once I realized this, I could pinpoint the thing in her life, adjust it, and see the immediate change in her. In more mainstream families, the focus is on making the child stuff their output and it seems to make the conduit get clogged and results in kids who can be perfectly well-mannered but hurt and angry inside and usually not knowing how to fix it or even that something is really wrong. These are the kids that do _________ and people say they never saw it coming, etc. Anyway, with some kids, like mine, I haven't made my daughter stuff her feelings and behaviors, so she is reaaaaaaal :) I have always appreciated her authentic channeling and expressing of her stuff. When I have noticed she was "off", I might say, "Kass, you seem so upset [or insert emotion: frustrated, angry, whatever -- one that doesn't hold judgment of her, though, like I wouldn't say bossy lol], is something bothering you?" And she may or may not know what it is, but it may help her try to search inside herself, and she may pinpoint something (maybe it is something small that made her feel that way, but she may not know what the bigger thing is, so keep this in mind), and it may help her to find an outlet to bring on the tears or the rage or whatever she needs to release the stuff inside her. Sometimes, all I needed to do was shower her with love and affection and give her some time of having me all to herself (of course, often my daughter's problem was that I was a single parent, working full-time and going to school full-time, so this was what was wrong). Anyway, there are ways to find what may be bothering her, like observing her to see what stuff is really getting her upset and then finding patterns -- don't be afraid to dig deeper than the surface to find what's up.
I am pretty sure that you know this stuff, and I also know that sometimes it helps when someone reminds me of something I already know :)
I think the manners/politeness conversation we are having is amazingly applicable to the big picture of how to feel or not feel about kids using manners, but it seems like that wasn't really the issue with A*** that you were really concerned about. It sounds like the bigger concern for both of you was getting back into sync with happiness together and joy and all of those delicious things that make up our relationships with our children who we adore.
Hope this helps -- it seems to help me understand things more clearly :)
I am still finding the balance between valuing wanting my children to be authentic (not asking them or expecting them to use their manners) and understanding the nuances of how a happy joyful partnership may include these, too. I don't want to be anti-manners (lol), and I don't want to enforce them (and I know there are so many gray areas in the middle that I am learning about), so it feels like I am kinda de-schooling concerning them (like when parents new to unschooling don't know how to interact with their kids "correctly" on topics of learning -- learning to read, count, colors, etc., but it all slowly comes into focus) -- that is kind of where I am at with the manners thing. Like with de-schooling, since I am de-mannering, I am not telling my kids what to do as I unpack and explore my own social conditioning on the matter, embracing the acceptance of the opposite, and enjoying the authenticity that comes from my children in the form of manners and on the topics of them :). Mostly it is my almost-11 year old who talks with me about how she feels about using them. What is so wonderful is not feeling the need to help her make decisions about it -- she really can figure it out for herself!!!! It's so cool :). Ironically, my new-3 year old's manners almost put my social conditioning to shame, except he is really stepping into being demanding at times -- which may be the stuff Dayna and A******* having been sharing about this age :). Thankfully, I am okay with it in most areas and the ones that trigger me, I know they are about me and not about him. Some things I might say are, "Wow, you really want that cup, huh?", which kind of helps me to see his behavior for what I bigger-picture see it as, and maybe it helps him to understand how I am interpretting him, too -- I am less attached to what he "learns" from it, I just trust that it isn't hurting him but that it is helping me to help help him better so I say it :). It really grounds me in the present, in the moment, in his feelings, and less about me, because when he wants a drink, it really isn't about me. Having said that, if I feel that he might be angry that he can't do it himself (and that is why he is expressing himself so), I might find a way to help him to be able to do this himself -- like leave a cup down at his height and show him how to use the water dispenser. I am using the water as an example, but of course thus can be applied to anything.
Alright, I think that is all I have to say in this train of thought :). Of course, when I read my own posts later, I think of more :)
Me again :). Wow, I am really loving all this dialogue :). I am learning and revisiting so much on my own journey, and I hope it is helping others also! Lol
Okay, so, I was thinking of a couple things. First of all, I used to be very hurtful and resentful of the way my mom handled some thing, because I had experienced her handlig things differently before so I felt like she was capable of handling these things better. A friend (on this list) reminded me that sometimes we have lots of things in our library, but we aren't always capable of using some of them depending on the situation and curcumstances. It kind of goes back to trusting that our kids (and us) are always doing the best we can when and how we can. Expecting more doesn't always have to be about disrespecting them or being mean, but sometimes it can just be more than they can handle. I think that I do this to my kids because I do it to myself because people did it to me. Regardless of what was going on inside of me and around me, I am expected to handle every single thing at my optimal, and that is just not what feels best to my ME (yes, I said my me on purpose -- it felt right) at times. I have some issues with only accepting and feeling confident about the parts of me that are SO efficient, and I don't want to feel this way about myself or my kids or pass this on to them. It sounds like this may be your story or truth, too, as you balance such a huge responsibility of caring for your adult daughters who are so vulnerable to your care and now your new daughter, and it seems like you ar very hard on yourself for areas that you may "fall short". I can soooooooooo relate to this -- in fact, I may just be seeing this because that is SO my story and my truth; it may not be your's so much -- in which case, I appologize for projecting my stuff onto you lol
The other thing I wanted to share from my experience is that I cling to the good times and want them to be permanent, but my reality has been that life and learning is more like the ocean lapping at the shore -- it ebbs and flows, and I am learning to really appreciate both as contrast to each other, not good or bad, but different and both having a purpose. I can appreciate my child taking care of themselves and taking care of others (selfish or unselfish). Sometimes our kids (or us) learn one after getting their fill of the other, and sometimes they might toggle between the 2 (or more -- I know it isn't just black or white). As I am understanding this more and more as our days and life unfold, I am seeing more and learning to appreciate even the things that society may not value in my child/ren. I see it all as opportunities for them to learn -- and learning doesn't have to mean "doing everything right from day 1" or even "learning to do things right" -- kids can't help but learn, and when we broaden our understanding of how and what and why and when, we can feel more comfortable with things we were worried about, and understand and appreciate them even more :). I think it was you who mentioned child-initiated elimination communication, and it sounds like you have quite an amazing child in your midst -- maybe this learning to trust her and her journey is being child-initiated, too :). Maybe, again, I am speaking to myself, because I have a 7 month old who initiated EC, too :)
Life is good stuff :)
My son is new-3, and we have dealt with a lot of hitting. I am realizing, as I type this, that there are various kinds of hitting we have encountered. Some was because my son didn't have words and he was mad but not trying to intentionally hurt someone, in which case I tried lots of stuff waiting for him to get to a place where he could use his words instead. We tried helping him find and use some simple words, like "no" or "stop" or "mine" and then responding quickly and helpfully when he used them to show him they worked for meeting his needs. We also tried yelling "I'm mad!". And we tried hitting or biting a pillow or me palms. When he got older and was used to play fighting, if he got angry and hit I would say, "hey, I'm not ready to fight -- get me a sword first.". I always addresses the need underlying the action and eventually he got old enough to be comfortable using words instead of hitting -- I feel it really was maturity thing not something I had to teach him. We just used lots of different tools (words to empower, games to make it fun, etc.) to help give him options for expression and also to help him develop the maturity to understand hitting. Some ways we practiced these tools was through role-play, having his toys act these things out, telling stories about haracters who did these things, whatever way was fun for both of us :)
More recently, his baby sister (7 months old) has started to take his toys to play with them, or she will pull on him trying to stand or something. Sometimes this kind of thing makes him mad and he may hut or push her. I have found that often he is as upset as she is by this. He will curl into a ball and be sad. I comfort them both and might say to him, "You are sad that she is hurt, hah? She was taking your toy, wasn't she? What if we found some toys for her to play with so she won't want yours?" Or I will ask him what he thinks might help her not want his toys or whatever. He often has great suggestions. He may hit again, but I trust that he is building in his learning and feel he is so blessed to have someone keep his sense of feeling bad intact -- too often parents will berate a child or tell them they are wrong. My son knows what he did hurt and already feels bad about it -- I definately don't need to do that.
I feel like I was so in your place when I started researching unschooling, especially whole-life unschooling. I wanted to say that maybe Naomi isn't right for you at this time? Maybe something else would work better? Read Naomi when you get it and it makes you feel good, you know? Listen to your journey -- there is no path ahead of you to follow; you are making your own. (Hey, I like that!) What I'm trying to say is there is no prescribed reading list, no "other person's way" that will work for you (although bits and pieces from various people will feel so right!!). Do what feels right to you. For me, that meant rushing into this life, even though I kept hearing to take it slow. It felt so right to me, how could I do any different knowing it didn't feel right anymore? I wanted to be a certain distance in, and so I sprinted, and so it was right for me :). Once I consumed as much as I could at that pace, I started to slow down and have been chugging along ever since :). For me, radical unschooling wasn't a question of if it was right for us, but how do I let go of so much crap I was holding on to and do this? And then I learned the importance of funding my way. Unschooling is like every umbrella term: there are a lot of differences and you find which one works for you. The best thing about radical unschoolers is that usually they are so much more understanding and accepting of people's paths and differences (I mean, it's kind of the point of unschooling :).
I can soooooooooo understand how being a parent to your daughter is so different. I have worked with people with developmental disabilities for over 7 years (until my son was born and I have been a stay-at-home mama --yay!), and I have worked with families and group homes and classrooms, and I can so relate to the amazing and exciting contrast in what your parenting has been to what it is and can be now -- wow, your description was so easy for me to feel! The most important suggestion I can give is just make sure she knows how much you love her, because she will be better for it regardless of the details that may come, and because it will help you to make whatever choices you find to be best in each moment :). My mom did not parent me the way I find so important to do with my kids, but I knew she loved me and I could forgive and understand a lot <3
One of the beauties and the challenges of unschooling is that there is no manual to how to do it. Listen to yourself and keep looking for explanations that sound and feel right to you :)
Lots of love on your adventure,
Before I keep reading, I wanted to share something I have learned about interpretting tone via internet and also about reading suggestions.
First of all, when someone tells me about an incident, I draw from experience which may be very different than the typer's experience. Too often I have misjudged a situation because of my own ears and background, even when I KNOW the person is such a consciencious (sp?) parent.
The other thing I wanted to share is that I have always been a more-than-mainstream repsectful and creative solutions parent, and so when I read unschooling stuff about thus huge difference I needed to make, I was striving for something soooooooo big and not trusting where I had come from. Then I hit a place where I remembered and realized that my previous parenting wasn't THAT different and so striving for a HUGE change wasn't "needed" to attain respectful parenting and such. The funny thing is that I would get so stressed out trying to be the most respectful and feeling bad about myself, that I would get grouchy and ended up being more controlling and mean at times! So, once I understood that, really, I had already been on this path for a long time, that this was just a new chapter not a new book entirely, it was easier for me to see where my previous way and "current" way fit into all of this. I am sharing all of this because it sounds like you come from a very respectful and loving place already -- you sound like a wonderful mama!!!!!!! Did you hear that? Did you feel it? I hope so, because someone told me this and it made a difference: you obviously love your children, and you are here, aren't you (as in still moving toward trying to do even more)? Make sure and give yourself credit for all of the ways you are alread living the way you want to -- you can accept now and still change, too :). For me, being kind to myself made it much easier for me to be kind to my kids -- when I stopped trying to be perfect and allowed myself to be human, I was (well, am definately still working on this one lol) able to extend this to my children, too.
Some amazing sites I read were sandradodd.com and joyfullyrejoycing.com. I loved the movie Yes Man in understanding the power of saying yes :). I loved the concept of asking myself "why not?" for every request my daughter had or everything my son wanted to do (much younger so less words). I loved rethinking "should"s and "have to"s, to really understand why and who they were really all about (and remembering that each of them could probably be unpacked deeper and deeper and might mean something else later down the road). The Continuum Concept (and discussions I had with friends on it) helped me to really truly trust my kids' natural journeys and not want to push or accelorate (sp?) their learning.
In fact, I found myself questioning my preconceived notions about calming a child down, as I have been reading this chain of emails. Could trying to calm a child after an upset always be best for them? Why do we have such judgment of the feeling of anger and of letting out our upsets? Just like needing a good cry when I want one, maybe I need a good outburst when I need one? Maybe trying to channel it into something "acceptable" isn't the way to always go? Maybe it just needs to be released? Maybe stuffing it isn't beneficial for long-term understanding of feelings and expressing them? I dunno. Still new for me, so I have to work out the kinks, but figured I'd toss it out there anyway. I guess I trust that if my kid gets angry about something and wants to have a tantrum about it, maybe I can trust their own path and their life-learning and that they may need it in some way if it is what comes natural to them, rather than trying to show them a more "acceptable" way of handling themself or rushing feelings back to a place of comfort. Like I said, I dunno.
Another thing I did was an exercise I did for life and then extended it to this situation as it came up: I was viewing the world through the lens of love, seeing every interaction as an act of some kind of love -- love for self, love for a possession, love for silence, love for fun, whatever. Hmmmm, interesting to revisit that -- gonna play with it even more :). That helped, though, in being able to understand and accept my child's behavior that was one usually viewed negatively. Also, I will share again, that I recently heard a perspective that I really loved about anger having a root of fear -- fear of not being heard, of not having a need met, of being hurt, etc. When I can find the need being expressed and meet it, it often disipates the anger. I have found that applying this understanding to my kids' arguments helps me to understand how best to help them feel better and prevents future explosions since their needs are being met or they know I will help them make sure they will be (not as a way of avoiding or ignoring anger or things that cause anger, but there just not being any in areas there may have been).
I am really enjoying all this dialogue and opportunities to share and reflect and listen :)
I wanted to toss some more thoughts into the mix. I was thinking about what you were saying about how you feel A*** has shifted back to her usual self, and I was reading all this stuff about being polite/using manners. Wow, good stuff, as I, too, have been socially trained to the umpth degree and am trying to do differently with my kids. I think this is a great and useful discussion -- however, it seems to me that maybe what started it was something different than An*** using manners or not.
This is what I am thinking -- what if the "rudeness" A*** was displaying was a sign that there was some stuff going on inside of her, and your shift that has maybe brought you to be more connected with her shifted her insides to feel better? Can't remember the author, but on a website someone said something to the effect of how connected you are to your kids correlates positively to how cooperative they are -- note, cooperative is different from obediant, it is more of a happy partnership than just "doing what I'm told to do".
In the past, when my daughter was going through some stuff in life, it was so clearly displayed through her mood and actions. She was a conductor of her environment, and once I realized this, I could pinpoint the thing in her life, adjust it, and see the immediate change in her. In more mainstream families, the focus is on making the child stuff their output and it seems to make the conduit get clogged and results in kids who can be perfectly well-mannered but hurt and angry inside and usually not knowing how to fix it or even that something is really wrong. These are the kids that do _________ and people say they never saw it coming, etc. Anyway, with some kids, like mine, I haven't made my daughter stuff her feelings and behaviors, so she is reaaaaaaal :) I have always appreciated her authentic channeling and expressing of her stuff. When I have noticed she was "off", I might say, "Kass, you seem so upset [or insert emotion: frustrated, angry, whatever -- one that doesn't hold judgment of her, though, like I wouldn't say bossy lol], is something bothering you?" And she may or may not know what it is, but it may help her try to search inside herself, and she may pinpoint something (maybe it is something small that made her feel that way, but she may not know what the bigger thing is, so keep this in mind), and it may help her to find an outlet to bring on the tears or the rage or whatever she needs to release the stuff inside her. Sometimes, all I needed to do was shower her with love and affection and give her some time of having me all to herself (of course, often my daughter's problem was that I was a single parent, working full-time and going to school full-time, so this was what was wrong). Anyway, there are ways to find what may be bothering her, like observing her to see what stuff is really getting her upset and then finding patterns -- don't be afraid to dig deeper than the surface to find what's up.
I am pretty sure that you know this stuff, and I also know that sometimes it helps when someone reminds me of something I already know :)
I think the manners/politeness conversation we are having is amazingly applicable to the big picture of how to feel or not feel about kids using manners, but it seems like that wasn't really the issue with A*** that you were really concerned about. It sounds like the bigger concern for both of you was getting back into sync with happiness together and joy and all of those delicious things that make up our relationships with our children who we adore.
Hope this helps -- it seems to help me understand things more clearly :)
I am still finding the balance between valuing wanting my children to be authentic (not asking them or expecting them to use their manners) and understanding the nuances of how a happy joyful partnership may include these, too. I don't want to be anti-manners (lol), and I don't want to enforce them (and I know there are so many gray areas in the middle that I am learning about), so it feels like I am kinda de-schooling concerning them (like when parents new to unschooling don't know how to interact with their kids "correctly" on topics of learning -- learning to read, count, colors, etc., but it all slowly comes into focus) -- that is kind of where I am at with the manners thing. Like with de-schooling, since I am de-mannering, I am not telling my kids what to do as I unpack and explore my own social conditioning on the matter, embracing the acceptance of the opposite, and enjoying the authenticity that comes from my children in the form of manners and on the topics of them :). Mostly it is my almost-11 year old who talks with me about how she feels about using them. What is so wonderful is not feeling the need to help her make decisions about it -- she really can figure it out for herself!!!! It's so cool :). Ironically, my new-3 year old's manners almost put my social conditioning to shame, except he is really stepping into being demanding at times -- which may be the stuff Dayna and A******* having been sharing about this age :). Thankfully, I am okay with it in most areas and the ones that trigger me, I know they are about me and not about him. Some things I might say are, "Wow, you really want that cup, huh?", which kind of helps me to see his behavior for what I bigger-picture see it as, and maybe it helps him to understand how I am interpretting him, too -- I am less attached to what he "learns" from it, I just trust that it isn't hurting him but that it is helping me to help help him better so I say it :). It really grounds me in the present, in the moment, in his feelings, and less about me, because when he wants a drink, it really isn't about me. Having said that, if I feel that he might be angry that he can't do it himself (and that is why he is expressing himself so), I might find a way to help him to be able to do this himself -- like leave a cup down at his height and show him how to use the water dispenser. I am using the water as an example, but of course thus can be applied to anything.
Alright, I think that is all I have to say in this train of thought :). Of course, when I read my own posts later, I think of more :)
Me again :). Wow, I am really loving all this dialogue :). I am learning and revisiting so much on my own journey, and I hope it is helping others also! Lol
Okay, so, I was thinking of a couple things. First of all, I used to be very hurtful and resentful of the way my mom handled some thing, because I had experienced her handlig things differently before so I felt like she was capable of handling these things better. A friend (on this list) reminded me that sometimes we have lots of things in our library, but we aren't always capable of using some of them depending on the situation and curcumstances. It kind of goes back to trusting that our kids (and us) are always doing the best we can when and how we can. Expecting more doesn't always have to be about disrespecting them or being mean, but sometimes it can just be more than they can handle. I think that I do this to my kids because I do it to myself because people did it to me. Regardless of what was going on inside of me and around me, I am expected to handle every single thing at my optimal, and that is just not what feels best to my ME (yes, I said my me on purpose -- it felt right) at times. I have some issues with only accepting and feeling confident about the parts of me that are SO efficient, and I don't want to feel this way about myself or my kids or pass this on to them. It sounds like this may be your story or truth, too, as you balance such a huge responsibility of caring for your adult daughters who are so vulnerable to your care and now your new daughter, and it seems like you ar very hard on yourself for areas that you may "fall short". I can soooooooooo relate to this -- in fact, I may just be seeing this because that is SO my story and my truth; it may not be your's so much -- in which case, I appologize for projecting my stuff onto you lol
The other thing I wanted to share from my experience is that I cling to the good times and want them to be permanent, but my reality has been that life and learning is more like the ocean lapping at the shore -- it ebbs and flows, and I am learning to really appreciate both as contrast to each other, not good or bad, but different and both having a purpose. I can appreciate my child taking care of themselves and taking care of others (selfish or unselfish). Sometimes our kids (or us) learn one after getting their fill of the other, and sometimes they might toggle between the 2 (or more -- I know it isn't just black or white). As I am understanding this more and more as our days and life unfold, I am seeing more and learning to appreciate even the things that society may not value in my child/ren. I see it all as opportunities for them to learn -- and learning doesn't have to mean "doing everything right from day 1" or even "learning to do things right" -- kids can't help but learn, and when we broaden our understanding of how and what and why and when, we can feel more comfortable with things we were worried about, and understand and appreciate them even more :). I think it was you who mentioned child-initiated elimination communication, and it sounds like you have quite an amazing child in your midst -- maybe this learning to trust her and her journey is being child-initiated, too :). Maybe, again, I am speaking to myself, because I have a 7 month old who initiated EC, too :)
Life is good stuff :)
Guiding Children
April 2010:
Wow, wow, WOW! This Abraham Hicks quote just blew me out of the water -- explains a lot of my feelings about some salient issues I am tossing around now. Just wow.
"You did not plan on guiding your life by that which other people are saying. First of all, they don't have very much of an attention span...How long did your mother give you her undivided attention? Not very long. Nobody can do it because nobody is born to be the keeper of you. They are all born to be the creator of their own experience. And...we think that the greatest hypocrisy (the thing that has caused you the most trouble) is that they tell you that you are important to them, but the bottom line is, how they FEEL is what's most important to them. So, they keep trying to guide you and your behaviour by what makes THEM feel good."
Wow, wow, WOW! This Abraham Hicks quote just blew me out of the water -- explains a lot of my feelings about some salient issues I am tossing around now. Just wow.
"You did not plan on guiding your life by that which other people are saying. First of all, they don't have very much of an attention span...How long did your mother give you her undivided attention? Not very long. Nobody can do it because nobody is born to be the keeper of you. They are all born to be the creator of their own experience. And...we think that the greatest hypocrisy (the thing that has caused you the most trouble) is that they tell you that you are important to them, but the bottom line is, how they FEEL is what's most important to them. So, they keep trying to guide you and your behaviour by what makes THEM feel good."
Behaviors
April 2010:
Maybe it would help to stop using words like "negative behavior" and just see a kid who is trying (and maybe having a hard time) to communicate something (he might not even understand) that's coming out in a way that you're not understanding. When is it really wrong to express oneself? Instead of teaching him that "acting like this is bad" teach him that "I'd love to help you learn how to get what you want in life" By labeling things as "bad behavior" and "good behavior" and then choosing to allow one while disallowing the other, we're not REALLY teaching our kids "how to behave correctly," we're teaching them that the things they have a hardest time expressing are unacceptable and that we're not going to help them get what they want. Alternatively, embrace that which your child is most passionate about and accept whatever form of expression he's using. When the underlying need is met, the "bad behavior" goes away in favor of A- a need that's met and no longer needed or B- the ability to communicate better & meet the need without pissing people off.
Read this on Dayna's list -- love it!!!
Maybe it would help to stop using words like "negative behavior" and just see a kid who is trying (and maybe having a hard time) to communicate something (he might not even understand) that's coming out in a way that you're not understanding. When is it really wrong to express oneself? Instead of teaching him that "acting like this is bad" teach him that "I'd love to help you learn how to get what you want in life" By labeling things as "bad behavior" and "good behavior" and then choosing to allow one while disallowing the other, we're not REALLY teaching our kids "how to behave correctly," we're teaching them that the things they have a hardest time expressing are unacceptable and that we're not going to help them get what they want. Alternatively, embrace that which your child is most passionate about and accept whatever form of expression he's using. When the underlying need is met, the "bad behavior" goes away in favor of A- a need that's met and no longer needed or B- the ability to communicate better & meet the need without pissing people off.
Read this on Dayna's list -- love it!!!
Being Impressionable
Wrote this in April of 2010:
When I let go of judgment of things, this is not scary to me. And I also see that I have a deeper trust of a person's inner guide to continue with things that fit with their inner self and to turn away from stuff that doesn't. I used to be worried that my daughter was not able to "be natural" or make decisions based on her "natural" self/instincts, etc. But it kinda goes back to that nature vs. nurture argument, in that it is impossible to see either purely, because they impact each other so profoundly. It is the same with my daughter wanting to buy lots of new clothes these days -- is that something natural (teen years creeping in) or is it an outside influence? Was her wanting to attend public school natural or influenced? My understanding is that it is all a part of her, regardless of where it comes from. I feel like if she is drawn to it, there is something inside her that is attracted to it. I trust her and want her to trust herself enough to explore what is attractive to her. I trust that she may lose interest or find joy in anything she is attracted to. But, mostly, I trust that it is her choice to make, which is why I feel like I don't want to censor my kids -- they will know if something feels right or not to them, and I can support that whichever way it works out.
[snip]
Part of the joy of movies and books and whatnot is losing oneself in them, but a fun way to find oneself again is I often think, "How would I do this differently, if it were up to me?" It is such a simple way of critically thinking. I saw the movie Where the Wild Things Are, and I didn't like it very much (SUCH a huge disappointment, because I REALLY REALLY wanted to), so I decided to write my own book about wild things, starring Noble as Max :D Maybe if we ask our kids this question, it can help them to retain "themselves" sometimes, too :) I want to make sure and add in that I think there is nothing wrong with just vegging in front of the tv or in a good book, too -- whatever floats one's boat :) I just have recently found such enjoyment from that question :) I am sort of a personalizing kind of gal :D
[snip]
I LOVE the kinds of discussions that can come from talking about this stuff with our kids. I have learned so so so much from observing Noble re-enacting stuff he sees and then asking him questions about it. It is kinda interesting, too, to see WHAT stuff he picks out of movies. We just recently went and saw How to Train Your Dragon, and Noble was very uncomfortable with a part when the boy is considering stabbing the dragon with a knife (again, I can think of some ways I would do this movie differently for my barely 3-year-old), so I held my hand up so he could hide his eyes when he wanted to. It is one of the ways that I see my son, even at such a young age, showing his own censoring and interest-guiding :)
When I let go of judgment of things, this is not scary to me. And I also see that I have a deeper trust of a person's inner guide to continue with things that fit with their inner self and to turn away from stuff that doesn't. I used to be worried that my daughter was not able to "be natural" or make decisions based on her "natural" self/instincts, etc. But it kinda goes back to that nature vs. nurture argument, in that it is impossible to see either purely, because they impact each other so profoundly. It is the same with my daughter wanting to buy lots of new clothes these days -- is that something natural (teen years creeping in) or is it an outside influence? Was her wanting to attend public school natural or influenced? My understanding is that it is all a part of her, regardless of where it comes from. I feel like if she is drawn to it, there is something inside her that is attracted to it. I trust her and want her to trust herself enough to explore what is attractive to her. I trust that she may lose interest or find joy in anything she is attracted to. But, mostly, I trust that it is her choice to make, which is why I feel like I don't want to censor my kids -- they will know if something feels right or not to them, and I can support that whichever way it works out.
[snip]
Part of the joy of movies and books and whatnot is losing oneself in them, but a fun way to find oneself again is I often think, "How would I do this differently, if it were up to me?" It is such a simple way of critically thinking. I saw the movie Where the Wild Things Are, and I didn't like it very much (SUCH a huge disappointment, because I REALLY REALLY wanted to), so I decided to write my own book about wild things, starring Noble as Max :D Maybe if we ask our kids this question, it can help them to retain "themselves" sometimes, too :) I want to make sure and add in that I think there is nothing wrong with just vegging in front of the tv or in a good book, too -- whatever floats one's boat :) I just have recently found such enjoyment from that question :) I am sort of a personalizing kind of gal :D
[snip]
I LOVE the kinds of discussions that can come from talking about this stuff with our kids. I have learned so so so much from observing Noble re-enacting stuff he sees and then asking him questions about it. It is kinda interesting, too, to see WHAT stuff he picks out of movies. We just recently went and saw How to Train Your Dragon, and Noble was very uncomfortable with a part when the boy is considering stabbing the dragon with a knife (again, I can think of some ways I would do this movie differently for my barely 3-year-old), so I held my hand up so he could hide his eyes when he wanted to. It is one of the ways that I see my son, even at such a young age, showing his own censoring and interest-guiding :)
Kids' Choices
Dayna Martin:
When we step out of judgment of our children's choices, we can experience life through their eyes and live in peace and harmony together. Choosing to feel their Joy instead of the fears of others, demonstrates a level of respect that most in our culture can not fathom extending to a another person, let alone a child.
When we step out of judgment of our children's choices, we can experience life through their eyes and live in peace and harmony together. Choosing to feel their Joy instead of the fears of others, demonstrates a level of respect that most in our culture can not fathom extending to a another person, let alone a child.
The Big Wide World
A big theme I am noticing in my life is unlearning some stuff, specifically negative judgment. As I unlearn villianous ways of seeing things, my world becomes free-er and more lovely. I recently wrote this:
The world is a toolbox, the meaning is in you. This is very powerful for me right now, as I am redefining my reality and reexperiencing my life. As I tailor my world to me, this is just so profound.
Every word in this short first sentence is deliberate and intentional.
The world (everything in it -- natural and man-made, etc.)
is a toolbox (full of stuff to play with and use as a means to something else)
the meaning (whether it is good, bad, or indifferent, sacred or mundane, etc.)
is (it is alive in you: is as in verb "to be")
in you (subjective, personal, tailored, choice, self, and whatever else "you" means to you :)
The world is a toolbox, the meaning is in you. This is very powerful for me right now, as I am redefining my reality and reexperiencing my life. As I tailor my world to me, this is just so profound.
Every word in this short first sentence is deliberate and intentional.
The world (everything in it -- natural and man-made, etc.)
is a toolbox (full of stuff to play with and use as a means to something else)
the meaning (whether it is good, bad, or indifferent, sacred or mundane, etc.)
is (it is alive in you: is as in verb "to be")
in you (subjective, personal, tailored, choice, self, and whatever else "you" means to you :)
Monopoly on Healthy Kids
This is an excerpt from something I wrote back in January:
I was talking with my son's dad about my parenting style, and it kinda clicked for me that although I love my new parenting style, I don't think we have a monopoly on happy, well-adjusted kids. What I think it does is aligns with my personal and parenting values of freedom, authenticity, dignity, self-guidance and more; it aligns with my means and my goals. I don't think it is objectively the best way to raise a child - it is a very subjectively valued thing. I mean, me as a fellow mom, sees it as the best for children and wishes it for every child, but on a bigger scale, I feel like I know that is a subjective judgment. The scary part about proclaiming it is the best way to raise a child is that, best case scenario, people expect radically unschooled kids to be child prodogies or excel in some ways. I think it is fair to say that RUed kids are kids, just accepted for who they are and possibly more in-touch with themselves and their personal goals than the average traditionally schooled and parented child. It is amazing and exciting and wonderful to me, to the umpth degree, but it is also "so what"/normal to me. I often find traditional or mainstream groups having the impression that their way of doing things has the monopoly on safety, child's best interests, adjustment for future life, etc., and I realized that I don't want to feel that way back.
I was talking with my son's dad about my parenting style, and it kinda clicked for me that although I love my new parenting style, I don't think we have a monopoly on happy, well-adjusted kids. What I think it does is aligns with my personal and parenting values of freedom, authenticity, dignity, self-guidance and more; it aligns with my means and my goals. I don't think it is objectively the best way to raise a child - it is a very subjectively valued thing. I mean, me as a fellow mom, sees it as the best for children and wishes it for every child, but on a bigger scale, I feel like I know that is a subjective judgment. The scary part about proclaiming it is the best way to raise a child is that, best case scenario, people expect radically unschooled kids to be child prodogies or excel in some ways. I think it is fair to say that RUed kids are kids, just accepted for who they are and possibly more in-touch with themselves and their personal goals than the average traditionally schooled and parented child. It is amazing and exciting and wonderful to me, to the umpth degree, but it is also "so what"/normal to me. I often find traditional or mainstream groups having the impression that their way of doing things has the monopoly on safety, child's best interests, adjustment for future life, etc., and I realized that I don't want to feel that way back.
Food
Posted this in February elsewhere:
In the RUwithLoA Yahoo group I am a part of, we have been talking a lot about food. Specifically, what has been getting me thinking is how our feelings about the foods we eat impact their impact on us. In the group, some people brought up various concepts that were very interesting to me, concepts that have gotten me thinking a lot recently. I am going to speak from my own thoughts, instead of trying to remember what was said.
I feel like what we put into our bodies is not as important as how we feel about it. Masaru Emoto is a Japanese scientist who has done experiments with water, where he sends it a certain energy and then photographs it. The results are amazing. This was in the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know". He also has an experiment with rice that some students have done, where with one pot they said, "Thank you" and with the other they said "You fool", and then watched to see what happened. The "You fool" jar turned all green and black, the other stayed pretty white. Amazing. I have, since, tried to remember to say a thank you whenever I eat, and to bless the milk I share with my nursing babies <3
A big concept that was talked about (one that is fairly controvercial) is that how we feel when we consume food is more important than the "health" of the food itself. This was an easy thing for me to understand and agree with. I was first introduced to this concept on Laura Shanley's website. Basically, what we believe about food becomes real. I have had personal experience with this - I developed an allergy to bananas when I was pregnant with Noble. I had been extremely stressed and ate a banana on an empty stomach and ate it against my really wanting to (I had accepted it and felt compelled to eat it instead of changing my mind). I ended up getting very sick, and kept these horrible allergic reaction symptoms through the rest of my pregnany and shortly afterward, until I decided to not be allergic, and I starting trying some slowly and focusing on how I felt when I used to eat them, and I am completely fine now.
Another aspect of this is how important all areas of a person is. Yes, there is a physical aspect of food, but there is more. There can be stress around food. I think this is VERY common, very agreed upon. People stress about the health or nutrition of their food, of how it will impact their body, of life itself while they are eating, and more. We call some of the food we eat "junk", and how can that impact our spiritual and emotional and mental self, when we feel a draw to eat them?
I have decided that I am going to enjoy everything I eat. I am going to savor every molecule and every flavor. I am going to focus on how it is nourishing my body in whatever possible way, and I am going to trust that if my body is drawn to something that there is something in it that I need for whatever reason. I have known for as long as I can remember that I eat to heal something inside of me. I have tried to "work on" not eating and why I do it, etc. I have decided to just enjoy for now. If I am eating to heal, to bring joy, how can I feel that healing and joy by beating myself up over what I am eating or consuming? By not being mindful while I am eating, and not enjoying what I am eating, I am disconnecting myself from my eating, which perpetuates the problem of me overeating and overeating some stuff - and I believe these things vary per person, so I am refering to my knowing I am overeating for myself.
I heard something amazing on that list the other day that I want to really be mindful of: dare to be joyful. What an amazing phrase. When life is orugh, dare to be joyful. When people expect you to feel bad or be down, dare to be joyful. I am excited about being joyful when I am eating a smore made of all kinds of noxious materials but tasting like love and bonding with my daughter who prides herself on making them in our fireplace on a cold night. I want to be mindful of all of the wonderful things in my life and give space to the negatives that I have found myself focusing on more often than not - THAT is law of attraction :) I know that I am free to be joyful about what I put into my body, I will be free to follow what my body needs for its best... I am not afraid of having a freedom to eat, don't feel that I need to "self-regulate", because I am just going to follow my body's lead and I know when I let go of judgment of foods, I am free to eat what my body wants, and I trust it. If I am mentally and emotionally and everything healthy, my phyical body will follow, especially if I bless my food before I eat it :)
In the RUwithLoA Yahoo group I am a part of, we have been talking a lot about food. Specifically, what has been getting me thinking is how our feelings about the foods we eat impact their impact on us. In the group, some people brought up various concepts that were very interesting to me, concepts that have gotten me thinking a lot recently. I am going to speak from my own thoughts, instead of trying to remember what was said.
I feel like what we put into our bodies is not as important as how we feel about it. Masaru Emoto is a Japanese scientist who has done experiments with water, where he sends it a certain energy and then photographs it. The results are amazing. This was in the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know". He also has an experiment with rice that some students have done, where with one pot they said, "Thank you" and with the other they said "You fool", and then watched to see what happened. The "You fool" jar turned all green and black, the other stayed pretty white. Amazing. I have, since, tried to remember to say a thank you whenever I eat, and to bless the milk I share with my nursing babies <3
A big concept that was talked about (one that is fairly controvercial) is that how we feel when we consume food is more important than the "health" of the food itself. This was an easy thing for me to understand and agree with. I was first introduced to this concept on Laura Shanley's website. Basically, what we believe about food becomes real. I have had personal experience with this - I developed an allergy to bananas when I was pregnant with Noble. I had been extremely stressed and ate a banana on an empty stomach and ate it against my really wanting to (I had accepted it and felt compelled to eat it instead of changing my mind). I ended up getting very sick, and kept these horrible allergic reaction symptoms through the rest of my pregnany and shortly afterward, until I decided to not be allergic, and I starting trying some slowly and focusing on how I felt when I used to eat them, and I am completely fine now.
Another aspect of this is how important all areas of a person is. Yes, there is a physical aspect of food, but there is more. There can be stress around food. I think this is VERY common, very agreed upon. People stress about the health or nutrition of their food, of how it will impact their body, of life itself while they are eating, and more. We call some of the food we eat "junk", and how can that impact our spiritual and emotional and mental self, when we feel a draw to eat them?
I have decided that I am going to enjoy everything I eat. I am going to savor every molecule and every flavor. I am going to focus on how it is nourishing my body in whatever possible way, and I am going to trust that if my body is drawn to something that there is something in it that I need for whatever reason. I have known for as long as I can remember that I eat to heal something inside of me. I have tried to "work on" not eating and why I do it, etc. I have decided to just enjoy for now. If I am eating to heal, to bring joy, how can I feel that healing and joy by beating myself up over what I am eating or consuming? By not being mindful while I am eating, and not enjoying what I am eating, I am disconnecting myself from my eating, which perpetuates the problem of me overeating and overeating some stuff - and I believe these things vary per person, so I am refering to my knowing I am overeating for myself.
I heard something amazing on that list the other day that I want to really be mindful of: dare to be joyful. What an amazing phrase. When life is orugh, dare to be joyful. When people expect you to feel bad or be down, dare to be joyful. I am excited about being joyful when I am eating a smore made of all kinds of noxious materials but tasting like love and bonding with my daughter who prides herself on making them in our fireplace on a cold night. I want to be mindful of all of the wonderful things in my life and give space to the negatives that I have found myself focusing on more often than not - THAT is law of attraction :) I know that I am free to be joyful about what I put into my body, I will be free to follow what my body needs for its best... I am not afraid of having a freedom to eat, don't feel that I need to "self-regulate", because I am just going to follow my body's lead and I know when I let go of judgment of foods, I am free to eat what my body wants, and I trust it. If I am mentally and emotionally and everything healthy, my phyical body will follow, especially if I bless my food before I eat it :)
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