Picking Up the Pieces

I have had a nice little adventure in "deconstruction land", where I realized some deep and powerful barriers in my life. I can't wait to share them with you. I have felt like a mess for a couple days, and now I am picking up the pieces, a bit more mindful than before, a bit more aligned than before, a bit more able to design my life than before.

Tara describes it best... These barriers are like a wall that you keep bumping into. Oh, was I bumping. In fact, they were so deeply a part of my foundation that I couldn't even see them. I am very blessed to be doing some digging deep and Organic Life Coaching with Tara (from The Organic Sister). She was able to catch stuff that I couldn't see. It has been amazing -- not all happy, wonderful stuff. Just A.MAZ.ING. Revelation after revelation. She is so intuitive, and she picks stuff up before I even know it is there, and she really nails it when I am doing something I am not even aware of. She is awesome -- shameless plug for her :))

So, what is this stuff I have been realizing that has been shaking my world, you may ask?

I justify. So so so sososososososososo badly. In fact, once she mentioned it and I started digging, I realized that almost everything I do (outside of just DOING something) is justifying, be it to myself or to others. It is really shaping my awareness in relationships -- some relationships are heavy with me feeling like I need to justify myself, and some I feel so free knowing they believe the best and there is no need. It is helping me pave my path in friendships.

The reason I justify myself is because I am still practicing being a self-trust master. When I look back on how far I have come in self-trust, I see how awesomely far I have come. What I can see that is left is not justifying my crazy ventrues, my callings in life, my wildness. Does a master justify themselves to people who are in doubt? Especially in a "please understand and accept my path because I need your support" kind of way? Heck no! They just go about their life being true to their Truth. Being a self trust master is a form of ninja -- stay deeply centered, avoid attacks, maintain daily. I am working on embodying the affirmation that I am a self-trust master. I can feel it growing from my heart out into my limbs. It feels AMAZING.

I get this serious anxiety around cleanliness and clutter and many more things. I have been trying to unpack it for a couple years. I haven't been able to find the root of it, and then, as I was already below the surface for some other stuff, I tapped into the "anxiety plant" and think I located the root: "when things are dirty, bad things happen". I was punished as a child for dirtiness (mostly by my well-intentioned stepmom), and me being the "pleaser" that I have always been really internalized the lesson. Realizing this made punishment *click* for me. It's not always an intentional punishment, like being grounded... it can be as simple as a look or an exhale of just the right length. I internalized a lot of punishment (anxiety-causing stuff), and I think this accounts for the bulk of my anxiety in life. WHEW! That was helpful!!!

Another is that I realized that I can stop digging deep. This has been an AMAZING realization. It may seem obvious to others, but not for me. I mean, I was digging like a maniac. I just kept digging, not trusting that I was far enough, that this was enough, that I am good now. I didn't trust that I could assess when I am done digging on something -- I thought I was not digging deep enough. Becoming a self-trusting master and realizing the bulk of my anxiety stems more from conditioning than some unbeknowst (sounds like a word to me!) thing I was missing has helped with this.

And lastly, I am getting real with myself and letting go of the denial I am in on stuff. If I am resistant to something, it's because I am in denial about something concerning it. I'm trying to get real with as many of those things as possible. Usually, I am in denial because I try hard to intentionally be different or feel differently. I am going to get real before I try to build on that thing with intention.

........ so.

That crash course update was about as fast as it came to me, too. This has been over the last, like 2 weeks! That is a LOT for 2 weeks.

That is what I love about living on the road (okay, so I haven't left the county yet -- I'm still "on the road"!). Once I got rid of the rug, I had to deal with all the crud I had been hiding under it! That was totally intentional. I am arranging life in such a way that my experiences will facilitate the learning I am wanting in my life, for my life. The road is ruthless -- it doesn't allow you a rug to sweep crap under or space to run and hide from it. The road is more like a magnet, drawing in experiences to help you deal with the crud. Deal with it, or keep having problems.

One last bit to what I have been dealing with is bigger than I have explored yet, and that is my "issues" in social situations. I have had serious social anxieties that are all being thrown up in my face as I am having more and more interactions with people and leaning on friends more than I ever would have wanted to. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of loss, frustration over differences... oh, yeh, baby -- it's all surfacing and demanding processing before I drown.

The other thing that has happened in this adventure so far, that has been way more than I expected, is the wonderfulness of experiences with my children. We are on the move daily. I have been needing this in my life, in my unschool journey. Facebook has become my homeschool portfolio, chocked full of pictures and snippets of what fills our days :)

This adventure has already been way more than I even dreamed of, all over the place.

Vanpacking

- it's like backpacking, only the van does all the work.

Can you believe that after living in the RV for a month and half, I am still feeling like we are living with so much excess, like I haven't whittled away enough, like *stuff* is still getting in the way of experiences, and an RV is too big and too much?

Simpler. Smaller. Easier.

Pluses about the RV

• it has a bathroom
• it is indoors and house-like for rainy days and family/input days
• it has a fridge and kitchen in general
• it's gorgeous on the inside

Pluses about traveling in the van

• gas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• go places 3 times as fast or only spend a third of the gas money
• smaller (easier to maneuver and park)
• only the very most important *stuff* present (allowing for the most experiences)
• more space above the bed (in the RV above the cab is about 2 feet, in the back of the van would be like 3 or 4 feet!)
• we would be invisible -- no one notices a silver minivan
• the van is MUCH more reliable (newer, better condition engine, etc.)

The RV is feeling heavy to me -- it's so high maintenance. And it's an eye sore on the outside until I can paint it, which feels like it will never get done! I am all about beauty, AND I don't want to get treated worse (classism and all).

I am looking to have a very specific journey. I don't know the details, but I know it requires dumping the excess shit in my life and getting real. I'm so tired of so much!!!!!!! I am realizing that I used to be agoraphobic and a slight hoarder, and I am realizing just how stopped my life was for so many years. I buried my self under layers of anxiety and stuff, and I am trying to uncover me and get to know me. I need some retreat, some time to have lots of experiences (especially with my children), to find something that is lost.

This is a spiritual quest, a soulful journey. I am looking for something, and I don't know what it is or where exactly it is, but I know it is on this path and I will know when I have it.

I am thinking about taking the van for a trip up the west coast -- just strapping some surfboards and a solar panel to the roof of my van, building a bed frame in the back of it for an uber-comfy bed, piling our stuff under the bed, and hitting the open road. I think I need the simple mobility, the retreat, the ocean, my books and writing supplies, and plenty of space to deconstruct and regrow, the family solitude, the Tribe experiences (meeting some of my Tribe along the way), and room for the unexpected.

Somehow, we will head back down here, especially in time for Thanksgiving in a super cool RV campsite for 2 weeks (blessings from a dear new friend) and decide what we want to do at that point. Do we want to sell the van, sell the RV, travel in the van a bit longer and return to the RV after making our national tour we had planned before, or something else entirely.

I think I really need this trip. I think I really need to do this in the van. I feel absolutely crazy, but not crazy enough. I really want to embrace my crazy and be real.

Buena Vista Park Hike

Today was another day of adventure :)) I love taking off to explore somewhere, not knowing what may be ahead, and with all the time in the world to go as slow as we want to allow for the depth and the unexpected, called learning :)

We started off with some duck feeding and lake poking :)

Then the group pictures...

And a few individual pics that are too perfect to not share :))

Okay, this one is from yesterday, but it was too good to not share right now :))

This was from yesterday, too LOL

My darling baby today!

After the picture taking session had ended and my cell phone battery was dead, we grabbed the digital camera and started our adventure :))

We found...

this amazing giant tree!



The kids practiced beginning science...

... and I swelled in awe of the sacred feminine in nature ♥

Then...

we found a tree with loooooow branches :))

for Jaja to practice crawling on

And then we found...

a log bridge :))

where Jaja did a happy dance the first time she crossed it alone :))

and then felt courageous enough to race across it!

(so cute while she balances)

and Noble walked across it like the crabs we saw at the beach the other day

Then Jaja decided to plop down in the dirt on the trail and draw some spirals in the sand (she is SO my baby)

Noble had to get in on that :D

Practicing his "b"s for Noble :))

Oh, and THEN...

we found the most awesome natural climbing structure EVER (so far in this outdoor adventure)

and it reinforced a feeling of ability and self-confidence for Noble

He is just so proud of himself ♥

and the baby just chugs right along after him :)))

Then we saw

a quaint little bridge overlooking some water with sticks -- I mean SNAKES in it (well, Noble swore they were snakes LOL)

Jaja needed a better look :))

And then she needed to be carried, so I didn't get any more pics. Another thing I didn't get pics of was when we strayed from the big trail down into a path through the trees. I couldn't help it, my curiosity got the best of me, and I am so glad we did. Even though I ended up walking through a spiderweb and ending up with a spider crawling down my back, it was really an adventure! Off the beaten path, being trailblazers! It brought me immediately back to my youth of playing in canyons and places just like this (maybe the smell of the same kinds of trees played a part in that, too!). It was wonderful to see some beautiful sites and explore some options (for a day when I wasn't in flip-flops) for more adventure.

The wide range of learning really amazed me. Just on that hike, the babies learned math (counting sticks they found, growing in awareness of how time), social studies (having a sense of where we were on a "u" shaped path), science (differentiating between the kinds of birds we saw -- ducks, geese, and another --, picking at plants, talking about different reasons why things were how they were or how they may have gotten that way, observing living things in their natural habitat), motor skills (dancing, running, climbing, writing/drawing, walking), social skills (interacting with fellow hikers and each other, taking turns, helping each other), literacy (we read the signs together that we saw, drew letters in the dirt, and noticed branches that looked like letters), art (drawing in the dirt, recognizing contrasting colors in the plants), and we played the "senses game" where we close our eyes and talk about what we hear, what we smell, what we feel, etc. They got to exercise their imagination muscles with stories about wild animals in the area, and make plans for the future (a couple good picnic areas for future hikes).

Oh yes, this was a fulfilling day, as an unschooling family, as mama in love with her babies, and as a nomad living for experiences that nourish the soul and sweep away the gunk :))

The Path of the Jetty

The kids and I had an adventure yesterday. I have heard people talk about walking labrynths, about how they are symbolic of life. That is how this was for me. It was certainly an opportunity to work through some stuff.

I love that we did it barefoot.

I love that the babies did what they were comfortable with. And I love that that meant Noble did the whole thing himself (leaping from rock to rock saying he was sticking like Spiderman) and that Najaia about 98% of it herself or holding my hand (with her free hand -- the other hand held her treasure, a feather :)), until she got too tired and wanted to be held.

I love that I got to explore my fear of falling -- it's roots possibly from my mom's fear of heights/falling and her fears scaring me, the reality of me actually falling, when/how different spots felt, and how being a big mama confirms my fears (like an added fear that equipment will fail because of my size).

I love that when I was working on overcoming my fear of falling, I had a giant 2-year-old on my side or back to further test/challenge/push my sense of balance.

I loved going so far (almost to the end) and knowing we had done it.

I loved stopping when I knew it was time, not pushing myself to finish or feeling any less accomplished for not going all the way to the end :))

Our view of the beach from our spot on the jetty :))

I loved sitting at the end with my baby (who calls herself Jaja, and so now so do I :)) while she sorted out her frustrations about me not holding her (Kassidy's friend held her) while I was trying to get the perfect picture of Noble leaping from one rock to the other. 

That was awesome.

I loved finding my way :))

When I see this picture, may I always remember how empowered I felt that day...

I loved the close-up focus on the path, constantly scanning the rocks to see where my next step would be, and then sometimes stepping back and looking at the bigger picture to find the best path -- such life symbolism!

I love that the waves sometimes landed hard on the rocks and threw a spray up into the air or onto us, and it would distract me, so I would have to stop, enjoy the spray, and then refocus on my internal balance and path.

I love that I was getting better and better at it, and will be even better in the future.

Living and learning in layers on the jetty.

Peace in the Sand

I am still soaking in the soul nourishment from our overnight camping at the beach. It started upon arrival. We found the perfect spot, overlooking the playground, next to the new bathrooms, and within eyeshot of a firepit we wanted to nab that night. An amazing soul sister and her family came to join us for a bit of fun at the playground, then blessed us with the means to spend the night there.

This mama was in Pisces heaven!

I took a gazillion pictures and spent SO.MUCH.TIME just reflecting and standing in awe of how our time was perfectly unfolding.

After our friends/family left, we ran down to the water, where the kids played and I explained some stuff about the ocean to my Pisces son (like how the tides work and how sea creatures once lived in the shells we were finding).



I am home

We found peace in the sand

The kids got wet and sandy, and we headed back up to rinse off in the showers, as some new friends of ours showed up to bar-b-que with us.



The sun starting to set

The food and the company was delicious -- complete with the s'mores :)) We quickly realized that the firewood we (overpricedly) purchased was not going to be enough to get us through the bar-b-que even, so Kass went on a hunt for more firewood and blessed us with some HUGE heavy pieces that I knew would last us all night :))



The firepit was magic, toasty, incredibly healing.

After our friends left, me and the kids just sat there with the fire -- the kids did a bit of dancing around to their favorite tunes, and Kass serenaded us to her favorite YouTube videos until her phone died. And we just sat. Noble fell asleep in my arms. I sat there for a long time thinking, "This is it. This is what this is all about."

After I went and laid him inside the RV (and Kass stayed inside to read), Najaia and I grabbed my drum and headed back out to the firepit. It was a full moon. Let me back up a bit.... When I was pregnant with Najaia, I developed a burning desire to drum, so for my birthday right after she was born, I bought a djembe drum off Craigslist with background and energy I could vibe with :)  I had plans to visit drum circles and hula hoop jams :) Well, we haven't left the house with it, but the kids have enjed showing me what natural drummers they are inside :)) I, personally, seem to not be made for drumming, as I cannot keep a rhythm to save my life.

So, I bring the drum down to the firepit. And Najaia and I get comfy and start drumming together. I close my eyes and think of the full moon, and let the full moon channel through me. I can't say the sound was necessarily something I would proudly display, but it flowed through me and was a first step on my drum-playing-learning journey <3 What was most amazing was the magic that Najaia and I shared. As you can imagine, her and I don't get a lot of alone time together. This was extra-special :))

That night, I got to fall asleep to the sound of waves crashing at the shore... *melt*

The next morning, Najaia awoke with me, and we headed out to the playground to play, where I met an amazing hippy mama with kids spaced almost exactly like mine! I kept thinking, gosh, now that I have gotten out of the house in the last month and a half, I am meeting the most AWESOME people! Noble awoke while we were at the playground, and after our friends left, I grabbed my drum, and me and the babies headed down to the water.

The beach was almost empty (early morning, school in session), and that was where the drumming magic happened. It started with the kids drumming (and Najaia dancing, too)

and then it was my turn to drum. I channeled the ocean and listened to the drum, and it seemed my arms knew what to do, and my hands, too. It sounded AMAZING! Suddenly, the drum was a wonderland of sounds and feels and movements.

What rose up out of me was definitely drum-circle worthy. I was REALLY jamming. It was so awesome.

Noble asked if we could go up to the playground and I explained that I was playing for the waves. Suddenly, a wave starts climbing up the sand toward us - probably 10 feet of recently-wet sand, and at least 15 feet of dry sand... and stops about 4 feet from us. I was in awe and almost leapt up and cheered. I silently thanked the ocean for the greeting, the acknowledgement that I was playing for her. I look down the beach as far as I can see and see that it only came up that high in about 3 spots.

Noble's jaw has practically dropped. He takes the drum and starts drumming.

still drumming almost 20 minutes later

He drums the tide in ♥

Finally, he gets the sand-climbing wave he was waiting for :)) We decide to join Najaia in water play :))

digging for sand crabs

running away from the wave

Off on an adventure :)



Cutest baby feet pic I have ever seen :)) You can see her little pink-with-black-spots toenails :)

Then we head back up to the RV with plans to walk out on the jetty (the rock entrance/exit to the harbor). After we get changed, the sound of seals "ar-ar-AR"ing draws the babies to the boat docks part of the harbor :))

The CUTEST cloth diaper EVER, special made for Najaia from her Auntie MB -- it's a purple tiedyed star!



Kass joins us :))

Sisters ♥

Doing what boys do ♥ (or what my kids do LOL)

Making her sister feel better ♥

As it turns out, there were 4 seals sunbathing in the water :)) (and one playing and "ar-ar-AR"ing :))

I really wanted to get out on the jedi, and we had a birthday party to attend, so the time was a bit crunched. So, I talked the kids into going back to the RV with me to get ready for our hike out into the ocean :)) We ended up eating lunch (bread, bree, and apples -- YUM!), and when we headed out of the RV, we ran into a dear friend who happened to be at the playground with her daughter! So, we stuck around with them for a little while.

Wow, she touched my heart by expressing how encouraging my journey (via facebook) has been for her recently. We hugged for a long time. It was just what I needed to seal up the beach visit. I showed her the inside of the RV (hahaha, in all it's messiness!), and we said good bye. As I drove away, I felt the peace lingering. We stopped to dump our tanks and made new friends (full-timers of 10 years currently renting some horse-land property in Vista).

I love this life.

i. love. this. life.