Picking Up the Pieces

I have had a nice little adventure in "deconstruction land", where I realized some deep and powerful barriers in my life. I can't wait to share them with you. I have felt like a mess for a couple days, and now I am picking up the pieces, a bit more mindful than before, a bit more aligned than before, a bit more able to design my life than before.

Tara describes it best... These barriers are like a wall that you keep bumping into. Oh, was I bumping. In fact, they were so deeply a part of my foundation that I couldn't even see them. I am very blessed to be doing some digging deep and Organic Life Coaching with Tara (from The Organic Sister). She was able to catch stuff that I couldn't see. It has been amazing -- not all happy, wonderful stuff. Just A.MAZ.ING. Revelation after revelation. She is so intuitive, and she picks stuff up before I even know it is there, and she really nails it when I am doing something I am not even aware of. She is awesome -- shameless plug for her :))

So, what is this stuff I have been realizing that has been shaking my world, you may ask?

I justify. So so so sososososososososo badly. In fact, once she mentioned it and I started digging, I realized that almost everything I do (outside of just DOING something) is justifying, be it to myself or to others. It is really shaping my awareness in relationships -- some relationships are heavy with me feeling like I need to justify myself, and some I feel so free knowing they believe the best and there is no need. It is helping me pave my path in friendships.

The reason I justify myself is because I am still practicing being a self-trust master. When I look back on how far I have come in self-trust, I see how awesomely far I have come. What I can see that is left is not justifying my crazy ventrues, my callings in life, my wildness. Does a master justify themselves to people who are in doubt? Especially in a "please understand and accept my path because I need your support" kind of way? Heck no! They just go about their life being true to their Truth. Being a self trust master is a form of ninja -- stay deeply centered, avoid attacks, maintain daily. I am working on embodying the affirmation that I am a self-trust master. I can feel it growing from my heart out into my limbs. It feels AMAZING.

I get this serious anxiety around cleanliness and clutter and many more things. I have been trying to unpack it for a couple years. I haven't been able to find the root of it, and then, as I was already below the surface for some other stuff, I tapped into the "anxiety plant" and think I located the root: "when things are dirty, bad things happen". I was punished as a child for dirtiness (mostly by my well-intentioned stepmom), and me being the "pleaser" that I have always been really internalized the lesson. Realizing this made punishment *click* for me. It's not always an intentional punishment, like being grounded... it can be as simple as a look or an exhale of just the right length. I internalized a lot of punishment (anxiety-causing stuff), and I think this accounts for the bulk of my anxiety in life. WHEW! That was helpful!!!

Another is that I realized that I can stop digging deep. This has been an AMAZING realization. It may seem obvious to others, but not for me. I mean, I was digging like a maniac. I just kept digging, not trusting that I was far enough, that this was enough, that I am good now. I didn't trust that I could assess when I am done digging on something -- I thought I was not digging deep enough. Becoming a self-trusting master and realizing the bulk of my anxiety stems more from conditioning than some unbeknowst (sounds like a word to me!) thing I was missing has helped with this.

And lastly, I am getting real with myself and letting go of the denial I am in on stuff. If I am resistant to something, it's because I am in denial about something concerning it. I'm trying to get real with as many of those things as possible. Usually, I am in denial because I try hard to intentionally be different or feel differently. I am going to get real before I try to build on that thing with intention.

........ so.

That crash course update was about as fast as it came to me, too. This has been over the last, like 2 weeks! That is a LOT for 2 weeks.

That is what I love about living on the road (okay, so I haven't left the county yet -- I'm still "on the road"!). Once I got rid of the rug, I had to deal with all the crud I had been hiding under it! That was totally intentional. I am arranging life in such a way that my experiences will facilitate the learning I am wanting in my life, for my life. The road is ruthless -- it doesn't allow you a rug to sweep crap under or space to run and hide from it. The road is more like a magnet, drawing in experiences to help you deal with the crud. Deal with it, or keep having problems.

One last bit to what I have been dealing with is bigger than I have explored yet, and that is my "issues" in social situations. I have had serious social anxieties that are all being thrown up in my face as I am having more and more interactions with people and leaning on friends more than I ever would have wanted to. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of loss, frustration over differences... oh, yeh, baby -- it's all surfacing and demanding processing before I drown.

The other thing that has happened in this adventure so far, that has been way more than I expected, is the wonderfulness of experiences with my children. We are on the move daily. I have been needing this in my life, in my unschool journey. Facebook has become my homeschool portfolio, chocked full of pictures and snippets of what fills our days :)

This adventure has already been way more than I even dreamed of, all over the place.