Another Rebirth

Hi, Love :)

You know, I used to think that every transformation was the biggest, most everlasting one.

Now, I really understand the cycle of birth, life, death, and rebirth. And now that I have embraced impermanence and living life to the fullest, the cycles seem to swirl in my life so much more and faster.

I think the seasons bring an emphasis on certain aspects of the cycles, as I live them - in the winter, I feel and dwell deeply in the death-rebirth part of the cycle as I swirl in my life, and in the spring I am flowing and flying with the birth-life part of the cycle.

As a homegrown Pagan, I connected deeply with celebrating Ostara on the first day of Spring, but I feel the big energy of so many celebrating Easter today. It got me thinking what it all means tome this year around :)

Being of Pagan origins, I am well aware of the tension about the origins of holidays.

This year, I feel a deeper inclusiveness, a deeper oneness, and so I wanted to share a status I left on Facebook today:

I love looking for the common thread, the universal message. We are one. This time of year is all about rebirth, and the diversity of celebration is like colors in a painting -- the more, the more vibrant and beautiful ♥

There are so many ways to celebrate this season (and the other seasons), and I just love the beautiful diversity on this earth I share with my brothers and sisters.

our eggs circa 2011

This year, my kids and I celebrated the first day of Spring by eating chocolate eggs, laying on a blanket in the sunshine soaking up the green at the park, and talking a lot about the changing of seasons and where I understand some traditions to have originated.

Today, the bunny came and brought my kids and I toys and candy and chocolate eggs (surprise from my mom), and the kids played. We didn't get around to dying eggs, but they didn't mind.

I am learning to let things go. Living so nomadically makes some things not worth it, and that is okay. This is 1 year out of our life, and maybe next year we will be stationary enough and have the stillness and space to plan elaborate homemade celebrations.

I do love me a good celebration and reasons to craft ;)

I look forward to lots of that when we are in our homesteading era of life :))

The bulk of my rebirth energy this weekend has been on my little online tribe. Revamping yet again. Preparing it to open to the world as a nonpaid membership/donation only, and only for women. Subject to change LOL

What are you rebirthing?

 

love + relationships

Hello, warm heart ♥

I'm sure glad you are here ♥

I made a really big choice a few days ago, and I just could use a lot of hugs now.

I finally allowed my oldest daughter to be free. I didn't even realize how unfree I had made her, how seriously miserable she was, how resistant I was, how tightly I was holding her.

Until she was gone and I had a day to really reflect.

She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to move into an RV or the van. She didn't want to travel. I just kept thinking that she would come around. There were moments she was onboard. I mistook all the love and laughter we shared as her not being as miserable as so many people noticed.

I blamed others for her crankiness and resistance.

But reality has a way of butting against my false barriers, of finally being heard that there was a reason so much felt out of alignment, that allowing truth would allow the powerful flow of love and healing and rightness.

I started to think about how happy she was when she was visiting my mom on a ranch with goats and other animals.

She has always had a sacred bond with my mom.

She has always had a sacred connection to animals and a draw to living with them.

I wanted this for us, too. Just not yet.

But she needed it now.

Coupled with the resentment she had for me, this was the most incredible choice we could possibly make for her. For all of us.

Bit by bit, I am realizing how much I have to let go of.

It is terrifying and liberating, and I am also learning to let go of feeling guilty for feeling such incredible perfectness at our new life arrangement.

I feel incredible love for my daughter, but I wasn't being love with her.

Now I am.

Now, I have a big giant space in my life to learn how to truly love my daughter, to look at my past and see my failures and my successes, with distance and clarity.

Now my daughter has the opportunity to be and attract what she wants to bring into her life and her being in a way I couldn't give her.

This is her opportUNITY to become whole. This is her incredible opportunity to swing the pendulum of life experiences in the other direction, so she can find the balance that works for her.

How incredible that she is doing this at 14. I was an adult when I decided to try to be more "normal" (after having been raised by a total hippy mama). She is being drawn strongly toward new experiences at 14!!!

I am ticking her maturity off as a success on my part of parenting ♥

I have been successful at helping her stay intact - or grow - a sense of self-knowing, a confidence in pursing her interests with her whole heart, of taking the steering wheel of her life and making shit happen, of knowing when something is off in her life.

At first, I felt like her going to live with my mom meant I had failed as a mom.

I went into my usual line of defense, even to myself, about how it wasn't really failure because I have always done my best.

Thankfully, my bullshit/now-be-real barometer went off, and I knew there were some failure bits to dig into and process.

Yes, I failed. I am sure her list of ways I failed is far longer than mine. Mine basically entails however I didn't meet her needs, however I wasn't connected to her enough to make this not a reality.

And then I had a mamaste moment - I am human!!!!!!!!!! I yelled it to the universe from my heart.

Yes, I failed, I am human!!!!!!!!

And the perfectionist in me smiled warmly as she died a little more, knowing she is less and less needed.

I am a mom who failed, and I am making it right by this new big choice.

Setting my first baby free does not mean we don't have each other anymore. It means I am allowing her the space to direct her life, and if I can learn to allow her, to just be with her during her journey, there will be as much room for me in her life as we can enjoy.

Who knows what the future may bring.

I wrote this e-mail to her yesterday, and after I sent it, I realized that it was as much for me as it was for her. And that it has so so so many opportunities to learn about love and relationships in every area of my life.

I love you. Truly love you. The everlasting kind. The kind that rides the roller coaster.

I trust you. To do what you know is right for you, and what is right for your part of our relationship and family.

I hope you will be shamelessly real, with your feelings, with your interests, with your needs. I look forward to what all that ends uspbeing. So far, for me, it means, I want you to be selfish. I want you to take care of you. Don't try to take care of my feelings, be honest. And let me know what you are needing from me, because I am here to honor your needs ♥

Be kind to yourself about your learning. Love you the way (and more than the way) that you would want someone who loves you to treat you ♥ In school stuff, in learning new fun things, and learning life stuff.

And I know this is best for us. It is why I said yes to it. I knew it was right, and I am excited to find all the ways that it is right. All the ways for each of us. It is right until it isn't right anymore, and we will each know when that is :)

I love you. Let's do this :)

One of the toughest relationships I have had in my life has been with my mom. I know this is common, across the globe.

Our relationship has been up and down and all around - not a roller coaster I would have chosen to ride on. But so worth it.

I have learned so much about relationships through being love (and failing at being love) with my mom.

And now I get to practice love with my child in way that echoes adult relationships.

I am here to learn how to be love.

I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I am wide open and flowing. This is going to be an incredible experience. For all of us.

While my daughter BEs in her rightness and grows in ways she has longed for, me and the babies get to do the same.

That is the most exciting sentence in my life!!!

Everyone happy? Magic.

Travel? Oh yes.

But not just travel. Travel without my co-captain riding the brakes!

Do you realize how freeing that feels to me right now?

Boundless opportunities for experiences.

Deep connection with new and heart-beloved people, because that is what the babies and I are all about :))

More room to go with the flow.

This Pisces mama can now flow like water, while my heavily earthy Taurus oldest can grow roots in the haven of my own mom's cuddles and ranchy home and predictable life.

Win-win!

Do you see the rightness? Did you feel the energy shift that happened when I started talking about it's rightness for all of us?

It can still be heavy in my heart at times. I am carving out a new groove with a tool that reminds me I deserve to be happy and that my whole family being happy doesn't have to look like anyone else's perception of how it "should" be.

I am still chatting across the coffee table with my old friend failure - we come up with the most incredible jewels now that we can work together as friends, rather than me barring to door in fear and assuming we are enemies.

Failure sure is good at giving hugs. In fact, failure is pretty darn good at knowing exactly what I need to jump back up and keep on keeping on :)

This is going to be a journey. It is a deep journey, and how long it will take until her and I really come back together could take weeks, or it could take a year. Who knows.

But I am sure glad for all the ways I have done things right, and continue to do. (Right meaning in alignment) It makes for a good platform for healing...

I guess I am off to explore the incredibleness in store for me + the babies now...

honoring my inner sacred

Hello, my love ♥

I know it has been far too long. I have missed you, too ♥

I have been deep in retreat mode for the past few weeks, soaking in depth and stillness. I have been laying down a thick and beautiful foundation over at the Circle.

The Circle has been such an incredible opening up for me. It has opened me up to some of my deeper fears - fears about supporting my family, about failure - and also some of my deepest needs for connection and expression.

It has opened me up to trust. I trust that this is my calling. I am up for the journey. I know it is about commitment, that it is symbolic of a relationship, that this is some lesson I am open to *get* in my life.

I love my blog. I love having a platform to share the depths of my soul with kindreds. It's my little sacred alter where I can share the bits of me and the depth and vulnerability of my journey. But it isn't a space for dialogue. And that is why I opened up the Circle.

I am needing serious dialogue, and in large amounts. Discussions, back-and-forth. I want to open up the eggs inside me and see what everyone things of what I have created (my intentional beliefs, ideas, etc).

I feel kind of alone in this big giant internet land.

I get lots of connection on Facebook, but not in depth.

And I love that the Circle gives me an intentional space to give everything. Plus, I can decorate.

.....................................................................................................

My birthday was March 2nd. It was the first birthday where I was just so so excited. Usually, I don't even remember it's my birthday, because I am just remembering that my son's birthday is March 5th.

Well, this year, I was gearing up for something big. I had a list of things I wanted to do over a weekend-long celebration of me, at a campsite.

The campsite didn't work out, and it ended up being just the 1 day, but it was everything and incredible.

I got my nose pierced.

 

Finally. It was like magic. It was perfect. I have been waiting for this for a long time.

And I married myself. Finally. I have been waiting for this for a long time, too. It wasn't all that I expected, but it was beautiful in so many unexpected ways.

I was so in love with myself, felt oh-so beautiful. I wore my favorite white goddessy top with a deep purple wrap skirt, big goddess amulet necklace, barefoot, toe ring, bell anklet, shaved head, nose ring. I was oh so delicious to me :)

I wrote my vows on the sand of a spiritual center's stretch of beach, just after sunset. That was pretty magical.

Here I am, with the ocean and the moon as my witnesses, to vow to love and honor myself for the rest of my days. I vow to love myself through the rough and the easy, through the joy and the sad, to love me more when I feel the least lovable. I commit to honoring myself above all others, to listen deeply and follow, to flow no matter the resistance. 

After writing these, I ended up having to take my little ones back up to the van, felt a bit out of my flow, and ended up speaking my vows to myself at the ajoining park, sitting on a circle table looking up for the moon in the sky after a bit of sacred drumming.

Sitting there, I realized I was lacking a sacred trinket, a token, a physical reminder/anchor - I have just realized that my goddess amulet necklace was all that and more. Perfect.

And I also realized that, although the ceremony was not all that I imagined, I had created lots of space in my life to grow this relationship with myself and this sacred ceremony.

I realized that our family name is Love. It is perfect. Because love has been our journey. It is what connects us, especially when it seems we are the most disconnected. It is our healing. It is our challenge. To love when it feel the hardest to do.

Yes. Love. Still experiencing the details of that unfold.

And just as I have been talking about love for the sake of love, honoring for the sake of honoring came to me.

Honoring myself. Honoring my children.

People ask me why I parent the way I do. People feel worried about the outcome. I have been trying to explain and understand my choices based on a desired future outcome.

But it doesn't feel right to me to do things for an outcome. I like the unconditionalness of actions, I like just being present, and I like being open to the unexpected. I trust that it is all beauty and blessings.

Something happened on the day I vowed to honor myself.

Something had been building up. I had been feeling uninspired about my 100+ list of things to do this year. I had been feeling a sinking feeling of failure as I watched the months tick away with so little completed.

February had been planned to be my month of completing my "to do list", which included about a dozen things from my 100+ list. Things didn't work out in such a way where I was able to do that.

So, I sat on March 2nd - well, more like lived an incredible day of fulfilling inspired ideas, and I vowed to honor myself, and I realized that holding a list over my head that made me feel like crap about myself was not honoring myself, or loving myself.

I decided to let go of holding myself to things that are not working for me, let go of obligations and of beating myself up when something fun I had planned doesn't pan out the way I had originally envisioned it.

I headed back up into the mountains to make the most of my birthday being on a Saturday (last time it was supposed to be on a Saturday, leap year bumped it, so it has been over a decade since I have had a Saturday birthday), and to spend my honeymoon in the crisp fresh mountain air.

We have been spending more days up in the mountains than in the soul-delicious little city that has been home since September.

I just can't get enough of this view, and the fresh air that comes with it.

And this is where this blog post comes full circle, to where I opened with, "I have been deep in retreat mode for the past few weeks, soaking in depth and stillness."

It is more than just the mountains. It is a dear little family consisting of my best friend of almost 20 years, her husband - a good man who I have always adored-, and my wacky goddaughter who I just can't get enough of.

I crave our family routines. I just love not feeling like a single mama - the sweetness of it brings me to tears at the drop of a dime. I adore how easy it is for all of us to be together. There is so much love.

Being up here opens up space for me to do some deep work. It's the kind that involves loads of soul food, sitting or laying in one spot for long periods of time, talking with beloveds about my process, working on settling Mt Unfinished (the mountain of unfinished projects in my life) and therefor feeling accomplished.

Sometimes it feels "too much" or "stuck".

Yesterday, I teased that out a bit and ended up writing this on Facebook:

I have been deep in retreat mode for the past couple weeks. Deep. Sometimes deeper than I even intended. But then I lean into trust, and I am instantly balanced. Thank you, deep dark retreat. I feel your healing. Foundational solidification, so I can flow with more depth when the time comes ♥ Oh, sweet trust - how you right my world ♥

I realized that instead of starting to panic about how deep I am going, I can lean into trusting myself, that if this is where I am headed, this is right. And as soon as I decide this is right, I suddenly feel internal balance.

 

I feel like one of those old V8 juice commercials, where the people are walking around at steep slant, and then upon nourishing themselves from the inside, they are instantly walking upright, straight, balanced, etc.

 

And then I feel peace about my depths.

 

 

I revisited my Life Planner yesterday, to see what of it reflected my current deep internals. And I found some delicious sparkling treasures:

 

a barefoot flow of pace

be at peace with what is

honor myself

alignment with my inner sacred

 

gratitude

namaste

journey

 

financial comfort

 

shaman

brave

nourishing

powerful

vision

cultivate

be

tumble

 

 

 

I have been making a lot of notes like these recently. And sending them out into the world, via Facebook.

 

How about this one...

 

Yes, it is.

 

Gosh, it feels so good to honor myself, to honor my inner sacred. To trust. To lean into a path that I used to be afraid of.

 

There is more. So much more. But this for now ♥