Gypsy Om: honoring my inner sacred

Hello, my love ♥

I know it has been far too long. I have missed you, too ♥

I have been deep in retreat mode for the past few weeks, soaking in depth and stillness. I have been laying down a thick and beautiful foundation over at the Circle.

The Circle has been such an incredible opening up for me. It has opened me up to some of my deeper fears - fears about supporting my family, about failure - and also some of my deepest needs for connection and expression.

It has opened me up to trust. I trust that this is my calling. I am up for the journey. I know it is about commitment, that it is symbolic of a relationship, that this is some lesson I am open to *get* in my life.

I love my blog. I love having a platform to share the depths of my soul with kindreds. It's my little sacred alter where I can share the bits of me and the depth and vulnerability of my journey. But it isn't a space for dialogue. And that is why I opened up the Circle.

I am needing serious dialogue, and in large amounts. Discussions, back-and-forth. I want to open up the eggs inside me and see what everyone things of what I have created (my intentional beliefs, ideas, etc).

I feel kind of alone in this big giant internet land.

I get lots of connection on Facebook, but not in depth.

And I love that the Circle gives me an intentional space to give everything. Plus, I can decorate.

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My birthday was March 2nd. It was the first birthday where I was just so so excited. Usually, I don't even remember it's my birthday, because I am just remembering that my son's birthday is March 5th.

Well, this year, I was gearing up for something big. I had a list of things I wanted to do over a weekend-long celebration of me, at a campsite.

The campsite didn't work out, and it ended up being just the 1 day, but it was everything and incredible.

I got my nose pierced.

Finally. It was like magic. It was perfect. I have been waiting for this for a long time.

And I married myself. Finally. I have been waiting for this for a long time, too. It wasn't all that I expected, but it was beautiful in so many unexpected ways.

I was so in love with myself, felt oh-so beautiful. I wore my favorite white goddessy top with a deep purple wrap skirt, big goddess amulet necklace, barefoot, toe ring, bell anklet, shaved head, nose ring. I was oh so delicious to me :)

I wrote my vows on the sand of a spiritual center's stretch of beach, just after sunset. That was pretty magical.

Here I am, with the ocean and the moon as my witnesses, to vow to love and honor myself for the rest of my days. I vow to love myself through the rough and the easy, through the joy and the sad, to love me more when I feel the least lovable. I commit to honoring myself above all others, to listen deeply and follow, to flow no matter the resistance.

After writing these, I ended up having to take my little ones back up to the van, felt a bit out of my flow, and ended up speaking my vows to myself at the ajoining park, sitting on a circle table looking up for the moon in the sky after a bit of sacred drumming.

Sitting there, I realized I was lacking a sacred trinket, a token, a physical reminder/anchor - I have just realized that my goddess amulet necklace was all that and more. Perfect.

And I also realized that, although the ceremony was not all that I imagined, I had created lots of space in my life to grow this relationship with myself and this sacred ceremony.

I realized that our family name is Love. It is perfect. Because love has been our journey. It is what connects us, especially when it seems we are the most disconnected. It is our healing. It is our challenge. To love when it feel the hardest to do.

Yes. Love. Still experiencing the details of that unfold.

And just as I have been talking about love for the sake of love, honoring for the sake of honoring came to me.

Honoring myself. Honoring my children.

People ask me why I parent the way I do. People feel worried about the outcome. I have been trying to explain and understand my choices based on a desired future outcome.

But it doesn't feel right to me to do things for an outcome. I like the unconditionalness of actions, I like just being present, and I like being open to the unexpected. I trust that it is all beauty and blessings.

Something happened on the day I vowed to honor myself.

Something had been building up. I had been feeling uninspired about my 100+ list of things to do this year. I had been feeling a sinking feeling of failure as I watched the months tick away with so little completed.

February had been planned to be my month of completing my "to do list", which included about a dozen things from my 100+ list. Things didn't work out in such a way where I was able to do that.

So, I sat on March 2nd - well, more like lived an incredible day of fulfilling inspired ideas, and I vowed to honor myself, and I realized that holding a list over my head that made me feel like crap about myself was not honoring myself, or loving myself.

I decided to let go of holding myself to things that are not working for me, let go of obligations and of beating myself up when something fun I had planned doesn't pan out the way I had originally envisioned it.

I headed back up into the mountains to make the most of my birthday being on a Saturday (last time it was supposed to be on a Saturday, leap year bumped it, so it has been over a decade since I have had a Saturday birthday), and to spend my honeymoon in the crisp fresh mountain air.

We have been spending more days up in the mountains than in the soul-delicious little city that has been home since September.

I just can't get enough of this view, and the fresh air that comes with it.

And this is where this blog post comes full circle, to where I opened with, "I have been deep in retreat mode for the past few weeks, soaking in depth and stillness."

It is more than just the mountains. It is a dear little family consisting of my best friend of almost 20 years, her husband - a good man who I have always adored-, and my wacky goddaughter who I just can't get enough of.

I crave our family routines. I just love not feeling like a single mama - the sweetness of it brings me to tears at the drop of a dime. I adore how easy it is for all of us to be together. There is so much love.

Being up here opens up space for me to do some deep work. It's the kind that involves loads of soul food, sitting or laying in one spot for long periods of time, talking with beloveds about my process, working on settling Mt Unfinished (the mountain of unfinished projects in my life) and therefor feeling accomplished.

Sometimes it feels "too much" or "stuck".

Yesterday, I teased that out a bit and ended up writing this on Facebook:

I have been deep in retreat mode for the past couple weeks. Deep. Sometimes deeper than I even intended. But then I lean into trust, and I am instantly balanced. Thank you, deep dark retreat. I feel your healing. Foundational solidification, so I can flow with more depth when the time comes ♥ Oh, sweet trust - how you right my world ♥

I realized that instead of starting to panic about how deep I am going, I can lean into trusting myself, that if this is where I am headed, this is right. And as soon as I decide this is right, I suddenly feel internal balance.

I feel like one of those old V8 juice commercials, where the people are walking around at steep slant, and then upon nourishing themselves from the inside, they are instantly walking upright, straight, balanced, etc.

And then I feel peace about my depths.