Anxiety

So, I have been having some back-and-forth emails with my newly pregnant sister about birth stuff, and she mentions that she thinks I have anxiety (long story about how we went from pregnancy stuff to this -- lol). At first I brush it off. I mean, I have seen people with anxiety, and I don't do that! Then she shares with me how it comes out in my dad and herself, and it clicks!!! Oh, you mean that restless feeling inside of me like I need to stay busy and keep moving at 150 miles per hour because I am scared to just sit and be? Oh, that feeling?! So, since she mentioned this last night, I have been really sitting with this. Once I started to really tap into it and how far-reaching it is in my life, I am amazed. So much of my life has been lived and choices made from this place of static on my frequency. It is my mental hyperactivity, and my impatience to wait on something when I have an idea or start a project, and why I talk AT people instead of WITH them, and why I am petrified of connecting with new people and of conflict. This list could go on and on, but I will save you the details :)) So, I have been thinking of the causes or where it may stem from... LOTS of discomfort in my childhood, transitions that left me jarred, probably learned from my parents, too, since they both have classic reasons to have it also). And I have been noticing today how I have passed this on to my kids: Kass is a bit crazy with anxiety, with all that she has experienced and with hormones swelling up. Even Noble has some minor stuff. And poor Jai is gonna develop it if I keep trying to hand her an interesting toy and sneek off to clean something (where she freaks out once she realizes I have left). Not saying that some anxiety isn't completely appropriate or even healthy (like stress) -- in fact, I think that it is a signal. When I feel it swelling up in my chest, I ask myself what's going on, what is this trying to tell me?

The funny part about this is that I had heard within the last few months that depression is usually coupled with anxiety, and it made sense to me, so I was trying to find where I might have anxiety in my life, but I couldn't find it. Like a fish wondering where water is, I think. And when my sister gave that example of my dad being nervous and just talking and talking, it just became clear to me. I have really enjoyed being able to pick it out in my life, enjoyed having this lens to see things from differently now :) I feel like I understand so much from my childhood now (like my step mom and my mom both saying I was hyperactive upon returning from the other's care and why I developed an eating disorder while at my dad's house. So much...

So, I wanted to share this here with you all, because you may have noticed this about me or seen it impact my relationship with people. Also, I wanted to share what I have decided to do about it. First off all, I am going to hug that little girl inside me Everytime I feel it, who developed anxiety as a way of coping when no one would just hug her and tell her it will all be okay, that they will stay right there with her until it is all okay. I am going to see it as a signal that I need some assurance and love. I am going to try to just BE more often -- less channeling of that mental and emotional hyperactive and less running for the next distraction, more sitting and feeling what is coming up for me and for my kids, more relaxing, more breathing and meditating. I can do a lot -- it's doing a little that is challenging for me. I asked myself what I felt like was the opposite of this anxiety (or whatever label fits this restless feeling I get), and I decidedon relaxed and easy-going, so I'm going to put the Law of Attraction into place and embody the chillaxed, carefree, bohemian mama I want so badly to be. Fuck stressing over the messes.

Oh, and one other big part of this for me. A HUGE aspect of this anxiety was feeling judged by people. Well, I pulled some other stuff into this context and realized that those judgments I thought I was feeling from others was my own insecurities about my life. Anything I could possibly want from other people (acceptance, stop trying to fix me or even seeing me as needingto be fixed, etc.), really I needed to give them to myself. People just pick up on my vibes, and if I am all wacky, they are going to feel that I am wacky! And it's fine to be wacky -- it's just not who I want to be or who I want people to see me as. So, back to this alignment with that deeper self that I have been talking about... When I calm the static on my frequency and align deeply with the vibration I want to be on and eminate, I see people see and feel it. THAT is who I want to be :)