I'm a single mom to 3, so mess is a big part of my life. Even before I had 3 kids, mess was an important aspect of my life, the aspect of life that I was able to be so controlling of. And I'm not just talking about toys strewn through the house or a kitchen in shambles (although, mine never is anymore - Ha!). I'm also talking about the emotional messes of current effects from yesterday's causes, and of trying to prevent more in the tomorrows. I'm also talking about a life overfull of things I "must do", not to mention all the bits and pieces from what I want to do.
Messes.
I feel like the opposite of mess is control. Control feels so safe to me, so good and simple. But it can also feel kinda sterile. I value wild, the nature-model, richness, depth. The dance between these has been an interesting one -- sometimes one or the other leads, and sometimes I like who is the leader and sometimes I don't.
But how much can I control? At what point does control become a mess? I mean, sometimes I want things SO simple that I am making messes of life to keep things THAT simple. And oftentimes when I am feeling the huge urge to have control, the fight against messes makes me a mess.
Some days I want a break from the messes, and then they pile up and become almost insurmountable when my break is finished.
I want people to be comfortable in my home, and I can't get it clean enough to feel that people will be comfortable in it. Some people I know have told me they don't want to come over because it is too "messy" (my word, not their's) for them, but I can't get it clean enough, and I certainly can't KEEP it clean enough, especially with animals (a persnickety cat and a wild puppy). How messy is normal and okay (and people need to just get over it)? How much justification for control do I have here? I can't tell if people are uncomfortable with my house or sensitive to my uncomfortableness with it... And I can't gauge my own TRUE comfort with it, because my gauge is a big mess.
I recently wrote this elsewhere, "I am self-designed. There is no instruction manual for my life, so I don't make mistakes." Basically, I'm always learning and I make up the rules (as I go, often). This can be messy. I learn as I go, figuring out what messes need damage-control and which ones are good for all of us, and realizing that this changes and shifts as often as the messes themselves. Uncontrollable messes.
Connecting with another person is messy. There are times when things feel wonderful, like the essence of what it is all about in the first place. And then what about those tough times, those times when you may just have to call it all off because it seems too hurtful or pointless? Obviously, those are messy. What's even messier is staying connected, regardless. Words and actions get tossed around all over the vulnerable place. If you're not vulnerable, then you're not connected. Can you stay connected? Through the blissful highs and the invertible lows? Can you make messes together and clean them up together?
What about a tribe? It's like a family, but with lots more members, more potential for growth, for help, for love, for joy, for clashes, for mirrors to be put up to see your shyt, for more opinions, for hope... for messes, for mess. What about the messes a tribe doesn't make together but deals with because of each member's past? Who's responsibility are THOSE messes? And is it fair (or possible) to find tribekins who are willing (and interested) in taking on big messes?
If I don't think messes are inherently bad or wrong, why do I avoid them (or, at least, some)? I love the idea of messes much more than I love the reality of them. I also love the idea of a tidy and controlled life more than the reality of it -- that part of me that craves the wild, the unknown, the mystery...
Is my fear of messes rooted in a fear of trust, in a lack of energy, or something I am not even aware of yet? Is it rooted in my past, which was a pretty weird life of (what felt like) extremes in wildness and control?
Does anyone else think about this stuff as often as I do? Does anyone else, literally, short circuit from anxiety over the prospect of a mess? Sometimes, I almost hyperventilate. It sounds funny, but I'm totally serious. I get so worked up (resistant to the mess and wanting to invite it) that I can't even think straight to get creative about how to meet everyone's needs.
I wasn't always this way... When it was just me and Kass, I used to create opportunities for her to make messes. Okay, that's not as accurate as I would like for it to be... Poor child never owned playdough or painted unsupervised (unmicro-managed). But I found ways to let her make messes with minimal clean up on my part (like playing in the mud and hosing everything off before it entered the house), and I didn't MIND cleaning up "clean" messes (stuff I could control), like toys strewn all over the house, as opposed to paint drips in places I may not find (but someone else will) in time (ruining something or making it harder to clean later).
Maybe I just don't know how to clean right? I'm kinda OCD about cleaning, wanting something to look perfect and brand new after I am done. When I try to not do it as good (and so am feeling vulnerable about this new way of trying to be), I've gotten called out on my "filth" and feel totally emotionally messy about the whole thing -- messier than I already was.
Maybe I don't have the help? It's me responsible for everything for 2 cats, a puppy, 2 babies, and a preteen who is both the biggest mess-maker in the family and the most resistant to helping me clean (or cleaning on her own) -- another mess, as I did many of the wrong things to get her to help me all of her past.
I am the messiest clean person ever lol
The babies love to help me clean, which usually results in more physical mess and less emotional mess (for them... I can't promise the anxiety I feel when they sweep my pile back into the living room isn't causing me more emotional mess).
I have lived a life devoted to avoiding making messes so I will have few to clean up. I don't want that for myself or my kids. I am limiting our abundance. I can feel it. I'm saying, "No, no, no, no" when I WANT to be saying "Yes, yes, yes, yes." Yep, it's a fear of trust. I started to float down the river for a second and leapt up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash.
I fear messes. I don't want to, hence the push and pull that is causing me anxiety and complications. Enough talking about where I want to go, and let me talk about the hurdles that keep appearing because I'm pretending I don't see them on my way...
My mom tried to raise us to be middle class, but we bore the tell-tale signs of "poor", and I am positively plagued by this now. I am painfully aware of every detail of my life that leads me to feel like people see me as poor (and therefor not of worth). Like my house being so dirty it makes people uncomfortable to be in, my kids' clothes being stained and their hair unkept, my own slovenly appearance, my dirty and dinged-up van that makes a ticking sound (even the hippy stickers on the back window aren't a band aid for "poor"), or my verbal onpouring when someone shows just a hint of interest in REALLY hearing about how I am doing. Realizing I just stepped over the class line with someone who cares = shameful embarassment for me (I should know better, etc.). And I don't use the word "shame" lightly.
I have tried embracing this radically as a protest against class, as an opportunity to redefine the labels I use to identify myself (like "hippy" instead of "poverty"), and as an experiment in understanding my relationship with control, perfectness, self-acceptance, and mess. I'm grateful for all the intricacies of the journey, and I think I feel better today about the state of my home and my life than the 10-years-ago-me would have felt about the current state of my home and my life. Maybe that is progress, since my goal is to stretch and grow. But today my life feels like much more of a mess than my life 10 years ago did. Or maybe I've just traded in the mess? I was an emotional mess in a highly controlled environment, and today I am high controlled emotionally in a messy environment. Hahaha, okay, I am highly controlled emotionally, only in relation to the mess I was before! LMAO
What it comes down to is I feel something is off, and I can't tell if it is inside me or outside of me. The journey to the answer is very long, and sometimes I wish it were shorter. And it's a biggie in our lives, as we go from a "homeschooling bookshelf" to a "family-learning life".
 |
| Why does it look better when SHE does it? |
4 comments:
Oh boy. I resonate with a lot of what you write. And it is a lot to process, so kudos and hugs to you for taking it on!
I've found that a lot of it *is* from within. As I relaxed about my house-cleaning a couple of years ago, I made sure to relax from within, too, so that when people came over I felt truly comfortable not having everything completely perfect. And that has seemed to work well.
I've described myself as a "recovering control freak," and I'm doing fairly well with it, but it is something I have to remind myself often, to let go and let things flow. I guess the thing is, there is no such thing as perfection (on this Earth plane) and striving for it too much will make us ill.
From here, you look like a wonderful spiritual loving hippie mama. That's a compliment!
Hugs,
Starcat
Starcat, I posted my reply to you on your latest blog post <3
I wanted to share this quote (and ironic timing) from the Authentic Parenting blog on my sidebar :))
http://www.authenticparenting.info/2011/03/quote-of-day_21.html
i'm a mama with a house that is, on an average day, what society would probably consider, messy. lol. so many caveats! i too am going through some soul searching as to What Is My House For? and deciding on answers to that to suit me. (is it FOR others to feel comfortable in? no. but is it for me to have a space to welcome in my community that i am trying to build? yes... but is the biggest priority for us to feel comfortable in there outselves, in our own home? yes... so what is comfortable? being able to see the kitchen sink, or being able to not be full of angst if there are dirty clothes in the bedroom? lol so many layers) i am finding that it is really helping. i don't really know how to explain it, but when i get clearer (on any given day) about why i am cleaning a given mess, or choosing not to, it feels less messy inside me. i think you are onto the same stuff here lol. just sharing my take. :)
oh, when i say it's helping... my house has been, on average, cleaner, for whatever that is worth. i get the sense that i am on an upward journey of cleanliness, if only because i'm getting smarter about what i allow into the house, etc. and smarter at how i tackle the tasks. for example i got rid of my table- yeah. i'll probably blog abotu that, but it has been really freeing and is a huge mess-magnet subtracted from our space. i also sense that our level of cleanliness is VERY tied to the seasons, and while spring cleaning seems to be in the air, it will probably look like hell in the midsummer when i also have 2 gardens and a farmers market booth to keep tidy- such is life.
Post a Comment