Best

I had a long and thoughtful post typed out for you on the touch screen of my ipod while laying in bed under cozy sheets. And the battery died and I lost the whole thing. I guess the universe wanted to devour it and keep it all to itself -- it really was that good ;)) So, now, you will have to settle for my whole-hearted attempt to recapture the already processed and pretty well-digested thoughts (they went down so smoothly).

Best. My last post was about feeling like my best wasn't good enough. Well, today I have decided to exit myself from the tyrany of "best" altogether.

Guess what - my "good", my "bad", and my "ugly" are enough, too. I come inherently validated and justified. I don't need to earn it. The rein of me as an over-achiever has come to an end.

And my house is good enough when it is "good", "bad", or "ugly", too. I don't need to give in to my OCD or the perfectionist anxiety that swells inside an insecure me who didn't know true acceptance or self-love, who thought it came in a package of hard work (and was probably counter-productive).

And I'm not going to hold myself or others up to a "best" standard either. Everyone can clean, interact, and grow in whatever ways their self-formulated truths see fit. I'm going to take a moment to laugh at that last sentence. Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa. Of COURSE they can. It just took me a moment to realize that everyone was already doing that, and I suddenly realized that no one needs a boss.

In fact, as it turns out, the "best" way for me to love myself and others and to be joyful and substantial in life is not through working toward perfection, but through being mediocre (bye-bye, over-achiever), and I look forward to holding myself and my children up to that standard, so I can revel in their mishaps and laugh with them in the face of bold imperfection.

I no longer subscribe to an objective "best" way of parenting, for myself or for others, and I am taking moments of silence as I remember all the possible connections that died before they lived because I was lost in dogma, because I thought I knew something about their life that they didn't, because I was consumed by guilt or fear of it (for myself and for you), and forcing something inside from the out and therefor limiting my own choices. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for my imperfection, for my learning, for my insecure loving <3

I value the Mother Nature model, and it is going to take some time for me to deconstruct this massive building I have constructed upon this tiny assumption that Her way is "best". It was constructed one website, one book, one conversation at a time. I know that I make the choice to live by Her model because it resonates for me (not because I have to, not because if I don't...), and I wish you just as much peace in whatever model feels right to you <3

I can't know for sure which one is "best", and it sure has been a quest finding the "proof" to back my truth up. I don't need that anymore, because I don't have to prove anything. I'm not a missionary, and I'm not seeking to convert. I'm just a person following my insides and loving your's. Besides, it doesn't matter to me, because I have set "best" free - it was way too exhausting to try to keep up with, and it is a barrier to what I truly value, which is pure connection with all the real life on this earth, in every state of it's existence and step on it's path.

I appologize for every inorganic judgment I felt against mamas who made a choice that fit for their life and I thought it wasn't "best", or (it's brother) I thought they could do "better". Who am I? Obviously, I have never walked a day in your shoes, and if I had ever truly seen into your life, I would know that the choice you made fit seemlessly into YOUR life. I wish I had remembered that although I know I am capable of anything, I have learned that some things would drain me and therefor cannot be prioretized -- I wish I had more completely applied this understanding to you. Who am I? I have no clue what your journey is all about.

I forgive myself for being so hard on me for not living as green as I hope to someday. I hope you will forgive me for being unwantingly judgmental of your "assisted" birth, of not breastfeeding, of not parenting in the way that depletes me and often incompacitates me and regularly has me stressed out about how I handled something. (How could you not want that for yourself? LOL) I no longer believe that there is an objectively "best" way to birth or nourish one's child or guide one's child through life. And I'm not interested in information or opinions that "best"monger.

What I am interested in is dancing with you, at your house or mine, laughing a lot, feeling anger swell inside me until my limbs tickle and then feeling it whoosh out (without judgment), skipping down my own path of life, going back to see if I missed something, taking a looooooong time to study the designs in stones, smelling roses, sprinting forward when I am feeling an inspired gush of energy, celebrating the seasons and moon phases and sun rising and setting, savoring the smell of clean laundry and sleeping babies and the sound of happily-squealing children.... Oh, I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. I have a big happy life to live, plenty full of stuff I want to enjoy and experience. That should keep me busy for a long time :)))