Good Enough

I have this drive inside me for personal growth and betterment. I used to call it self-improvement, but my understanding has changed, so my language has, too.

One of the reasons I am a single mama is because I have yet to find a man who can keep up with me, with my personal growth and change. And now, I am seeing it in my relationship with my oldest daughter... I am wanting her to grow and change in ways so we can be happier. It's nothing personal, Love -- Mama just has a case of the "good enoughs".

I have been realizing for the last 6 months that I feel like my best isn't good enough for a lot of people in my life. This first hit me hard, loud, and screaming when I was moving out of the house we lived in before this one. That whole living experience was a case of the "my best isn't good enoughs", which I have never felt about my ability to clean and care for a home before. But I have felt it in other areas of my life. I was the student who got 4 A's and 1 B and spent the break thinking about what I wish I had done to make that B an A.

Now that I am not going to school or working, the good enoughs are attacking my new job (parenting and home-making) and lifestyle (green living, whole and organic eating, etc.).

How can I possibly be comfortable in my relationships with others if I am not comfortable in my relationship with myself?

So, I have decided that I am going to intentionally look for the nows, the presents, the current states of things, and appreciate them for the perfectness that they bring to my life.

When I was talking (typing) with my friend, Laura, she shared this:

I used to really be a soul searcher and I think it almost stifled my living. I spent so much time searching and trying to change me and my loved ones that I missed the real time with them and myself. I am all for growth, but not a forced one. Not a searched out one. A natural one. One that happens because we are living and changing, not because we are reading others' words and have decided we want to be different.

Sometimes, she nails it for me in ways it would take MUCH longer for me to express! Haha :))

I have been forcing growth, as far back as I can remember on this "self improvement" journey. Before that, when I was a kid... I just was (correct tense of "be"). Not a care in the world. Was oblivious to the things people probably saw as my imperfections. I think there was also some learned helplessness in there, and something happened to show me that I could have power and control over change, and I could design my own life. It has been an awesome journey.

I think of that quote about being happy with where you are or you will never be happy somewhere else. I wonder if that is the case, or if I truly just found my destination. Where I am right now, I feel like I could live happily forever. I really didn't feel like that in a lot of my past. Where I am right now is so special to me. I love it, and I want to savor it. It is definitely good enough.

What about those spots that aren't so close to my current ideals, though? Those spots, like my obviously imperfect front teeth? What about my house on days like today, when I feel like I'm drowning in the mess? What about my embarrassingly dirty van? What about my finances? All these things that leave me uncomfortable. I can feel the anxiety swelling up when I think of them. Instead I brush their cheek, kiss them, and assure them that they are good enough as they are, that they may grow and they may change in time, but for now, they are good enough just as they are. And they don't have to give their best to be good enough. They are enough at whatever level of effort (or not) that they feel inspired to give.

Speaking of feeling inspired, I am going to tease you a bit and share that I have been working on something big. And I mean BIG-big. It should be ready to go in a week or so, and I am SO excited to come share it with you :)) I don't know if I will be able to keep from sharing, because I was never good at that. I am the mom who lets my kids open their presents whenever they want to, because we can't stand the anticipation together :)) The ONLY thing that will ensure some level of keeping it private is that I don't want to confuse people when I make a necessary and monetary (hence, waiting for the 1st) change. It's not good enough ROFL

Happy living :D

I'm not anti-growth. I just want it to be more from within <3