on losing my faith

Darling ♥

I knew that once the dam was open, it all would come flowing out.

There are so many layers and threads, so many pieces to the nightmare we just woke up from.

One of the over-arching issues during my children's forced separation is how it blew my faith off my map.

My faith revolved around trusting that I can handle anything if I live my values.

I have heard the term "losing my religion" and I know of people who had that happen during traumatic experiences, and it totally happened to me.

I didn't want it to.

I wanted to sink deeper in my trust. I wanted my faith to guide me.

I did in the beginning.

I tried to be love, and I tried to open up to trust in the Divine Plan, and I tried to find the blessings and the lessons.

But I was angry.

I felt betrayed by my faith that everything in life happened for a reason, that we manifested the experiences we had in life in some way, that if I was a good, honest, loving person that the people who needed to see it would and we would always be okay.

I was calling bullshit.

Because apparently, some wild card can be thrown at any time in the game. Apparently, shit can just get crazy even when dedicatedly-good people don't f*cking deserve it.

And you know what, fate - eff you. I don't want to sign up for your shit anymore. You can keep my effing greatness, and just give me a simple life somewhere safe with my kids. I forfeit my greatness. Get someone else for the job. I don't want to do this anymore.

That is how I felt during all of it, even as I knew I would be okay when my family was reunited I am fine with my destiny. This IS what I signed up for. Apparently, sometimes it will really suck so bad for longer periods of time than I could imagine is fair or necessary, but I can do this, and it IS my honor and pleasure to allow this to open me up to my calling to serve sisters and brothers in their journeys on this earth ♥

But it is a hard pill to swallow, and I wasn't always in that zone.

I was being called to a different guide. I was being called to save that stuff for later down the line, and just be right here right now.

I was in the grit of life, and I was meant to be here.

So where was here? Every fiber of my being screamed that this situation was unnatural and oh so very wrong, and I was not meant to run from it to feel happier or be more okay with all of it.

I was meant to not be okay with it.

I was meant to be angry. Feel furious. Express rage.

I felt a burning in my belly, and I left it there. Instead of racing up the emotional ladder to escape those feelings, I sat with them and tried to learn how to live with a fire in my belly.

It was a fire in the darkness, but not the kind of light that I was used to.

I cursed the Divine Weaver, the divine plan, for putting us through this. I cursed the sky and the earth. I felt fury at everyone who had ever wrong me.

I let it sit in my belly, alive, not buried under a volcano or exorcised through the meridian system.

I allowed myself to feel it and to come back to it, to be devastated by it, to cry over it.

I didn't know how to be that way.

That wasn't me. Before, I couldn't hold a grudge to save my life.

This was different.

This wasn't about holding a grudge. This felt like being real. A deeper peace within with the dark muck, and the flames that lick away the illusions.

I wasn't being called to share love and light and trust. I was being called to be gritty.

A new balance between the old me and this new thing. A new me.

I feel more deeply integrated with the wild.

I feel like a wolf.

At the same time I was losing my faith and cursing the fates, I was sinking deeper into my primal calling.

My beloved brother sent me this, and it became my anchor in a safe harbor. Finally, I could invest my trust somewhere.

I know that my faith has shifted.

I used to reach upward and draw the divine down. During this ordeal, I only felt safe drawing on my own soul's wisdom. And now, I am just staying close to home to find what I need - the familiar cozy blanket of community, earth, and moon.

I think the Universe and Fate understand that I am licking my wounds right now and will be back again once I find healing and peace.

In the meantime, I welcome the opportunity to deepen relationship with the primitive aspects of my divine.