A Beginners Listening

"You have the right to be a beginner. Where you are at is exactly where you are supposed to be in your journey." - my friend to her daughter, spoken so eloquently that it has been ringing in my head, heart, and soul for over a week now.

I just love the healing that comes to me when I listen.

Especially when the listening is to my oldest daughter, who so closely mirrors so many of my own struggles.

She was struggling with a performing arts class that she was taking, feeling awkward and inadequate and out of her element, and it suddenly struck me that she was in the novice stage, which is not something she is used to experiencing.

She is a lot like me, where we jump into things and pick them up so fast that we are almost instant masters. But in this case, she wasn't.

In business, and self-kindness, and finances, I am not. What I am is a struggling beginner. Every step that I take is chocked full of learning with a heavy dose of reflection on a hurtful or absent past in these areas.

I am really really good at sitting and planning and soaking in the dreaming part, so I tried something different with my business and pushed some doing into my path.

The results are still foggy. It felt good to finish something, even just one piece of a package. I was still lost on promoting it, and now I have scrapped the whole thing and am starting afresh. Again.

Oh, me. *self chuckle*

I am back to listening again. Because I felt lost.

I can't be lost when I listen and follow my inside voice, though.

So, here I am.

Wondering if I am just not ready to be that far in my business yet.

I feel like I did when I used to have to write papers for professors. Draft after draft, trying to perfect it, then suddenly scrapping it and rewriting the whole thing so I can be done by the deadline (or just after it, as the case may be).

Only, this time, I have no professor, no deadline, no limit to my ability to perfect it.

Each time I scrap it and start over, I feel like I am peeling back another layer to how I really feel on the topic and what it is I really want to share.

It is so stankin simple to me. Is it practical to sell a whole e-book with just a couple questions in it?

I think it is meant to be an e-course, where it is more about the reader's journey, than all the things I have to say about it. And it is meant to be a unique journey, which can be a challenge when writing an e-book for everyone.

I think part of my journey right now is still wondering what my message is. I feel like a jack of all trades but a master at none. I can't narrow it down to one essential message that everything grows from. I have a feeling it is like a fish looking for water.

So, instead of feeling lost from searching with my head, I am going to step back, listen, follow, and trust that it will unfold.

I look forward to having help along the way. The chapter of wanting to do everything alone has come to a close.

I am done being a solitary and now am gathering my coven pack close.

So much is churning deep and heavy inside me. It is my Taurus moon, earthy emotions in my dark of the moon right now. Meanwhile, my light and flowy Pisces sun is just floating down the river without a care in mind. It is such an interesting and perplexing dichotomy.

I am pretty sure the churning involves money, livelihood, home, love, and sacred. Just those little things -- ha!

Even more pretty sure that this churning is winter + composty, and that Spring will bring a rebirth.

It is not even National Gratitude Day, yet, and I am already looking forward to a Yule ceremony of casting off the things that no longer serve a purpose in our life.

Normally, I would say "Why wait?" but I think my insides and the planet's outsides have truly synced. I feel like I will be perfectly ready when the 22nd of next month comes.

I have about a month to continue this churning, to reflect on what works and what doesn't, to make some decisions, to converse with my oldest about where to travel next in life, and start keeping an eye out for a place we might want to really grow our roots.

Lots to listen to.

Also, I want to listen to me more. My style. I still do a lot of "shoulds" about how I write, what I write about.

I don't share the dark murky shadow place that I glean most of my delicious insight from. I just share the end result, the wisdom I bring back, the jewels.

I want to get real here.

And I want to draw and paint.

I love writing as creative expression, and I love crafting. But I look forward to a bit more process, and a bit less product.

Art journalling. Full Moleskin journals. *soulgasm*

This blog will probably get a bit more edgy. I have tried to not offend anyone in my life for so long, tried to appeal to everyone possible and be inclusive. I don't know if I have been trained to be "nice" so very well, or if I just need to re-evaluate what being love + kindness means to authenticity.

Because sometimes, it has been at the expense of my own sacred voice.

My mom practiced Witchcraft powerfully for as long as I can remember. I learned early to keep the secrets that society didn't understand to myself.

As I reconnect more with my sacred, I will speak more on the Pagan callings of my heart. A space I have hidden and been disconnected from.

This space is so deliciously shifting. In reflection to my own life. In the manifestations of my intentions.

I hope to be here more often.

I hope to have plenty of interesting stuff to say.

I hope to get back into the "blog" writing way of thinking as I go through my day, so I can gather more delicious jewels to share with you here.

I love you. So very much.

And I am so thankful to have you here, reading the words of my heart.

In Gratitude.