Over There

I have this raging fear of success, of investment, of commitment. I am petrified of permanence, scared I will change and be stuck. I feel so helpless in ways that are so completely outdated. Who I am today is NOT whoever I might have been before that was helpless... Who I am today is powerful and fluid and safe. So, why do I have these barriers in me, still? Why do I feel like I am bumping my head on a glass ceiling?

Where I am today is NOT where I want to be -- I want to be over there. I want to be rockin this goddess-lovin woman-circling life every minute. I want to drown in a community of women like me. I want to hear the song in my heart flow from a circle of women's mouths.

I remember feeling this way about unschooling, about consensual living -- I just wanted to BE OVER THERE. I'm tired of long hard journeys.

Oh, but isn't this one worth it?

Stop that, Voice of Wisdom. I'm trying to sink into the crud, so I can pull it out by the root, strangle it for holding me back for so long, and walk it promptly out to the garbage -- never to live in my garden again....

I'm so afraid to do what I feel I was meant to do, what I feel in my heart and in my soul that I was meant to do. I'm so afraid of the vulnerability involved. I'm afraid of disappointment, I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of success. My head knows all those things are no big deal, but somewhere deep in my heart, there is a wound that is scared of being poked again, a wound that is still bruised from so many things.... It wants to sink down deep into the rich soil of safety and convince me that the way to make money in this life is to work a j.o.b. or go back to school or get a career with the degree that I already have. But I want to yell, "NO!!!! I want to do what my heart sings about!" I want to be wild, and I want to be artful, and I want to empower women, and I want to savor circles that make me feel so good about myself and about life and about the earth. I want to live it. I want be OVER THERE. I don't want to make the journey by foot. I want to take an airplane. I deserve it! I've walked everywhere, and I've enjoyed it, but this once, can't I please just be transported magically OVER THERE? Please -- pretty, pretty, pretty please?

Because, I guess the truth is, I don't think I can get over there. I think I need someone to hold my hand and go with me. I am tired of going it alone. I'm tired of being so strong. I'm tired of feeling pushed when I am vulnerable. I want kindness and understanding and mentorship. Fine, I will take an instruction manual for this part of my journey. I don't care if it makes me less "self designed". Maybe I need a wee break from the heaviness of a journey of solitude.

Maybe I am ready for the stuff that partnerships are made of? Maybe I will lovingly sacrifice having everything my way, for a warm hug whenever I need one?

Nevermind my fears of getting into a crummy relationship (again), or my untrodden journey of sexuality that has been on the back-burner most of my life (bisexual? lesbian? straight? Oh, who knows... certainly not me). Another long hard path ahead of me. Can I just BE OVER THERE for that, too?

Journeys are overrated.

...I just want to be there. I want to already be comfortable with being successful at what I love, and I want to live in a veggie-oil-and-solar-powered home-on-wheels with a ravishingly attractive lover who is AMAZING with my children and with me, and a gypsy tribe to caravan through life with.... I want a partner who will hold me when I am upset and I will know it will all be okay because 2 is more powerful than 1, and we can move mountains together. I want a partner who reminds me of the amazing person I am, who inspires me every day to be who I want to be, who grows and changes with me, who loves my children like they are their own.

Loving and accepting myself wholey and completely is too hard. I want someone else to do it for me. I'm better at it than I ever was, but I need a gawdam cheerleader -- full time. I just need someone to hold that space for me. I can get there, if someone is there and I can find them. I don't need to hear the chants -- just do the dance. I see it. I get it.

I don't believe that shit about independence. Maybe it works for others. Maybe I thought it worked for me. Maybe it works for parts of me, but not every.gawdam.single.thing... I can't DO EVERYthing -- nor do I want to. I am only whole when I am a part of a whole. I am a social creature by deep dark loving nature. I am tribal. I need my peeps! I need them in my backyard. I need them at my door when they haven't seen me for a few days, to make sure all is well. I need them to show up unannounced at dinner with a movie for the kids and a bottle of wine and some cheesy bread for us adults.

I want to give, and I want to receive. I am ready.

Can I just be there already? This is taking forever.

Oh, the slow and beautiful journey. I appreciate you again <3

Do you hear that? It's the sound of exquisite release, and now I am ready for this delicious journey, wherever and however it unfolds :))