This Self-Guided Journey



Yes, another pic of the road from the driver's seat :)

I am a radical unschooler to the depths of me. I am proud to be realizing how deeply I have internalized this philosophy that feels so right in my head and in my heart. Maybe that is why I am so easily integrating it? I feel like it and I are the same.

So far, the last few months have been an experience of opening myself up to the raw, to the authentic, to searching for alignment during all of this. I often feel lost and overwhelmed by what I have done. Sometimes, I wonder what the heck I just did. Once or twice I have even asked myself if this was the right thing to do.

Parts of me wants to climb back under the covers and bury myself in familiar comfort. But a bigger part of me has undertaken an adventure, and the deepest depths of my soul reply with a resounding yesssssssssss, when I ask if this was right. (Plus, I can crawl up on a blanket in a park and get the same comfort -- oh, yeah, baby!)

It can be scary, but it is right. Even if I regret that I gave up my free housing to return to someday, even if I am already ready to ditch the RV. I never would be where I am right now if I hadn't experienced what I have so far. I never would have been ready for a house again if I hadn't ditched the house I had and given my all to this path. I always would have wondered about this RV if I hadn't followed the inside of me that said it was right -- it didn't have to be right for forever, but it was right when it was right.

This is a self-guided journey, and I am thankful that I am very attuned with my self. I know what I want, even if I am not always sure how it is going to happen. Sometimes, I get scared when I feel something calling me -- I am not always trusting of myself or my journey, and that is shifting more and more.

I get questioned a lot (who doesn't when they exit the throes of traditional living?). Now that I am internalizing "I am a self-trust master", I feel less inclined to justify myself or even answer questions. Is it my job to calm other's fears about my life (especially when every answer has been covered in depth in my blog LOL)? I think there are no better answers than to just live it and let people see. And people often seem uncomfortable when someone isn't sure about things, so it is just easier to keep living my truth on my path, than express to people that I don't know something but that it is okay. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and this is AMAZING right now! It is meant to be, and it is healing, and it will all be okay.

It is okay. I can comfort people in their anxiety about my path, the way I wish I had been comforted as a child with anxiety... It's okay, and I will be present with you until you feel okay (even if it is just holding a space of "okay" in our relationship).

I am feeling very strongly aligned with my truths these days. Moreso than ever before. I guess when I cleared away all the gunk piled on top of my Truth, my Truth is clearer and more demanding. It's been quite a treat coming out of denial (and I don't mean the river in Egypt) about things. Getting real. And I mean real real. Like "f*ck it if they don't get it" real -- I'm tired of all the busywork. Tara calls this "nailing it". At least, I hope this is it... I'm still in the early learning stages.

This self-guided journey means that it is guided BY me, OF me, FROM me, FOR me. And that may mean that folks see me driving in circles, crying and feeling lost, and appearing to backstep, but it is all forward, and it is all coming from within -- a self-guided journey.

It is Fall, and I am LIVING deconstruction right now, watching things die away from my life, celebrating old leaves drying up and becoming compost for new growth. I am looking forward to hybernating for a while this Winter in retreat, and then rebirthing like a pheonix this Spring. By Summer, I should be rejuvinated and bursting with life! Haha, as if I am not already... hahahahahah

Today has been a chocolate-covered macadamia nut day, with my journal close. I started the day in sweats and boots and a hoodie -- oh yeah, THAT kind of day. Yummy for the insides :))

I am ready to undertake probably one of the biggest parts of this journey: social anxieties. I am ready to heal through relationships, ready to meet my peeps in person and be vulnerable and authentic and invite rejection and acceptance. How F-ing scary! These people I have been loving and sharing with for years, who know the depths of my soul but not how I am actualizing them or not -- will they see me and "catch me" being an imposter? Will they see through me and see that I am just a wanna be, a poser? Will they see inside me, and will they unconditionally accept what they find? Can I?

Even bigger than that, can I be comfortable leaning on them for help? Found a landmine -- I will be back about that later.

Alright, enough babbling about my view of my journey from this spot.

Please, PLEASE share with me about how you exercise being assured of your own self-guided journey.

p.s. - I forgot to mention my whole point, which was that I trust my path, and I am just following it for what it is. I know all the answers I have been searching for are on the journey when I stop resisting.