Oh, the exquisite path I took.... chocked full of deep reflection time in large bulk quantities, exploration into myself and outside of myself, spoken words to things that were once held deeply inside and needed to be set free, realignment of my Life (the big picture) and my life (the dailyness) to manifest my most treasured values and interests, heaps of experiences to remind me what self-trust was and what the meaning of my life was to me. Big gulping radical steps. Often painful (kinda like pulling out stakes that have made me stuck for too long), usually joyful (realizing and partaking in my new-found freedom), and more often than not exquisite-although-initially-unsure (like going to a chiropractor and getting an adjustment and not quite being sure how you feel about getting your bones all cracked until you walk out feeling high on life and wellness).
Most recently was possibly my biggest radicalest transition, from a life of "acquired stuff" to "serious minimalism", from "licking old wounds" to "letting go and moving on", from "healing" to "wellness", from "reading about" to "experiencing", from "old cycles" to "new life", from "a million prioreties in breadth" to "a few prioreties in depth", from "doing what I thought was normal and what everyone else was doing and not understanding why it wasn't working for me" to "self-designing my life from the ground up and finally learning that I am not broken - fish are not made to be measured by how well they can climb walls". I'm just a fish - a nomadic, free-living, water-loving, kid-friendly fish. I am a Life bender - watch how I move [that was for fellow Avatar: The Last Airbender fans]. And my own personal measure of success: I can meet someone who I think will be able to "see into me", and I am not afraid, and I am 99% not afraid of what they will find!
I have officially gotten my fill of "Self" (in the context of walking and healing alone), at least up to this point in my life. Dawning within me and stretching out into my life is now The Age of Togetherness. I finally feel ready for relationships in my life. You can only begin to imagine how huge that is for my life. I felt like typing it deserved a dramatic music introduction and that it should then be blinking bright vibrant colors with confetti strewn all about it. Let me say it again:
I finally feel ready for relationships in my life.
For a girl who has longed for relationships her whole life, but had much to sort out first, this is amazing. And just in time, don'tcha think? :)) I feel like I have a very solid foundation of self, a clear understanding of where I end and another begins, and can finally feel Safe being unsafe, Comfortable being uncomfortable, and Sure being vulnerable. These are key ingredients for building relationships, me thinks currently :)) I have many natural relationship-friendly qualities, but my biggest asset is applying my own relationship with myself to others <3
So, to kick off this journey, Life threw a few big-timers. I guess Life felt that if I could handle such huge situations with family of origin, the rest would be a piece of cake :)) It certainly stretched me in new ways and helped me see some new and very self-affirming things (part of the transition from "self" to "togetherness", I am sure).
Life is always playing with relativity, isn't it? The whole story of the boy whose horse runs off and everyone says it is bad, and then it comes back with a mare and everyone says it is good, and then the wild mare breaks the boys arm (or something) and on and on. What is REALLY realllllllly -- I mean, REALLLLLLLLLLY objectively "bad"? It's all good ;) Or maybe it's not "good" either, it just is? And maybe how someone interprets these things says more about the person than the situation? Yes, I think so. Oh, but it is delicious to ride the ride, isn't it? Sometimes? Because I have a deep-seeded trust and faith that it's all Good, I enjoy surfing the waves of "the good, the bad, and the ugly". I am a Pisces, and we are very emotional beings, and I embrace that in myself and my life. I love to cry and to rejoice and to sink down low and to rise again. I am fine with all of it, because I am not scared of any of it, because I believe it is the fun of living, because I have felt the cleanse that comes from allowing the flow. I trust it, especially if I feel drawn to it.
I love how all of this has nothing and everything to do with togetherness :)) I love how life is all interconnected, like an afghan whose rainbow colors may not seem to be connected, but they all started from the same thread and the whole knitted quilt would be affected and effected by what happens to one.
I am realizing that there is only so much healing, so far I can go alone. I feel like I have gone as far as I can. I have been a die hard do-it-yourself-er, and now I am ready to do it all with someone else, or hopefully, many more "else"s ;) No more being stopped by social anxieties - instead leaning into them and see where they take me. I am excited about this whole new adventure before me. I am excited about the reflection I will be seeing of myself in others, so that I can get more real with myself and understand myself better. I am excited about all that this will mean for my Life, for my living experiences, for my future Path in relationships, for the relationships I have with my children (and the role model I am for them), for the people in my life who are blessed to have me as I am now and will be transformed by the upcoming experiences. It is just thrilling all over the place :))
Now that I truly love myself, am really really learning how to accept myself unconditionally, trust myself wholly, and am so madly in love with my Life and our living, I feel like I can finally extend that to others.
Alright, Beloveds, I am ready for you. Are you ready for me? :)
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