So, today I wanted some music to bake and clean the kitchen to and decided on Alanis Morrisette's "Jagged Little Pill" -- an album I haven't listened to in years. As soon as it started I knew I'd picked the right one. All about breaking out of boxes and finding one's way in the world. Good stuff :) Then came the song "Perfect". I suggest googling the lyrics if you haven't heard the song before. It struck me. I don't think I've listened to it since I have been a parent, and I used to be able to relate to her tone and fight, but now it has all the more meaning, as a mother and a daughter and a recovering perfectionist. The song has been haunting me all day. That's NOT what I want for my daughter, and I'm pretty sure my mom didn't want that for me, and yet that's kind of what has happened...
I have such a complicated relationship with what is "perfect". I see "perfect" in things that are "flawless" and also in natural flaws -- like my life is perfect in all it's messy and wild and exciting and loving and and and ways :)
Alanis finishes the song with, "I'll love you, just the way you are, if you're perfect", and she says earlier "I'll make you what I never was, because if you're the best then maybe so am I".
I used to think about self-esteem and self confidence, and I couldn't figure out why I had such a problem with them when I had all of these things that I felt good about: I was an A student, going to school full time and working full time, had a beautiful delightful brilliant daughter, had my own apartment that felt beautiful to me.... It was all the "good" things I was proud of that I was focusing on. But what about when I didn't get an A in a class? What about when I worked less hours and spent time doing "unproductive" things? What about when my daughter acted in ways that embarrassed me or when she showed signs of vulnerability because of our lifestyle? What about when my apartment was a mess or I couldn't maintain certain aspects of it? How did these things leave me feeling? Worthless. And like I was the "nothing" I was afraid to be.
As I sit here and feel better (as in better skilled, not like "all better"), I am feeling this worthlessness inside me, and I feel it being the root of a lot of my social anxieties and my life decisions: I don't want to be that "someone" who I feel like I am on the inside, so I try to do things the "right" and "perfect" way to prove I am not that person, who I may truly be or may just be carrying around an outdated version of who I am. Public school really messed me up. Kids were so cruel, and I was always new and vulnerable and sensitive. Maybe my social anxieties (meeting new people, fearing that people will "know" who I "really" am, fearing harsh judgment and lack of understanding for being different)... Maybe those stem from moving so much and constantly being targeted? I was such an easy target... Hurt kids can be so hurtful.
Anyway, so maybe I thought being perfect was the key, the answer to feeling good about myself? Smart came easy to me. Sometimes I felt like my best wasn't "the" best, the ultimate, so I still wasn't good enough -- like I graduated with my diploma and a 3.97 GPA from an adult high school (earning it in just over a year, which is impressive!), but my dad said, "Yeh, but it wasn't REAL high school." And because A's came easy to me, I thought maybe I didn't deserve the credit for working hard. Perfect.... "It simply isn't good enough, to make us, happy." (that quote was from the song)
Ah, untangling the past is like untangling a giant knot with lots of different colored threads, and sometimes you can't see what threads are causing a specific hang up because they are buried deep in the knot.
Was it my mom? Was it my dad? Who's the source of all my woes? Lol Really, it matters and it doesn't matter at all, it hurts and it's no big deal, I wish it had been different and I'm glad it happened, I'm mad but I'm not mad. Just trying to untangle it all, so I can be free of knots... Perfectly knotless? Interesting...
I wrote an update on facebook recently that said, "I'm not always perfect at valuing imperfection." Still working on this. Unpacking. Untangling. Observing. Being more present. Being present more. Synchrony: this song "Perfect".
I want soooo much better for my daughter (I feel like I put waaaay more pressure on her than on the babies, but maybe that's because of their age, and maybe I want to be clear for them, too). I am enjoying this journey and seeing this all unfold.
2 comments:
i LOVE the thread/knot analogy, that is so fitting! some heavy thoughts in here: "fearing that people will "know" who I "really" am" i could relate to that growing up sentiment, and yet now i feel like i just long for people TO know who i really am... it's so interesting. i thought you summed it up perfectly, the way you wish for a different past and yet can appreciate how it was, the way you are "mad but not mad" and so on, that is so the way it is to be human, huh? this whole richly wonderful unfolding we get to do, the whole mystery we get to be in the center of... btw if i haven't said so lately: i love you!
I love you, Mama <3 I love how you get me :))
I dug a bit deeper into this the other day in my journal, and I came very clear on what I am afraid of people seeing inside me: I feel like I have built a fortress that is socially acceptable and appreciated by the people I value around this person inside who is worthless and hopelessly lazy and disgusting and just all the "worthless" things about a person. Inside, I feel like an impersonator. I feel like an untouchable (from the Indian caste system -- the outcastes) trying to come off as one of the middle or even upper castes. I am uncomfortable with assuming people see me as someone who has my stuff together on the outside, but if they did, I feel like someone who is barely holding it together inside, who is barely able to ignore the inside enough to keep the outside together. And I feel like the outside is barely together as is... Lots to think about and reflect on.
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