Epic Success

(Written early December)

No matter how much I want to embrace the fact that this nomadic-dream-in-action was a classic "epic fail", I can't deny the success of my adventure. We may have logged few miles on our journey, but the living and learning was immence. I could provide you with a grocery list of experiences (and I still may), but the biggest success (I am learning as I read my journals from the 2 years before we set sail) is just the fact that I did it. Even now, in our broken down state, I am so happy we are here than the heavy mess of a life we had before. I was drowning in stuff -- I remember (as if every journal entry for 2 years crying about that very fact wasn't vivid enough to recall the hopelessness I felt). I am so immensely freakin happy about how much STUFF we have right now. You can only begin to imagine the implications of what I just said... unless you were pressent for the prcoessing of said stuff out of my life, or if you have done a similar journey of selling 98% of everything you own to live so incredibly simply -- radical minimalists got nothin on me :)

I know, I know, I hear those folks talking, too, about how the external doesn't matter -- it's all the internal. Bah! Maybe that is true for them, but it wasn't true for me. I was drowning in responsibility and attachment, and releasing all that stuff from my life opened up space to spend my time and energy in ways that I wanted to. Changing the external absolutely healed the internal.

My other greatest success in this experience? Laughing at my epic fail. This truly was a fail of the most epic proportions for me. It has all the ingredients of "epic" and "fail" -- I hyped this up so huge in my life, knew it was to be my crowning achievement in life and fell flat on my face. Hahahaha. That is hilarious! I'm glad I am laughing at myself before I hear the more pessimistic loved ones in my life do it first LOL

So, I failed at making a lifestyle out of free roaming the country... I succeeded at so much more.
I met the most amazing people from all walks of life. People who moved us and loved us and supported us, people who I didn't want the conversation to come to end, people who I admired from a distance, people who are like my family, and people who filled me with hope and then flew away ♥

I got out of the house in ways I haven't done for as long as I can remember! Coming from a woman who was borderline agoraphobic, THAT IS SERIOUS SUCCESS! I experienced things I have only dreamed of (like taking my family to ren faire) and things I never expected (meeting pirates and wanting to be one of them!). I walked a jetti that changed my life, and spent some down time reconnecting with the beach and the ocean. I practically lived at the library and stepped outside of my old ways to coax a librarian into liking my wild bunch (rather than just hiding from her or avoiding the library entirely). I parked in a hotel parking lot where I was NOT a guest and comsumed a heavenly deluxe continental breakfast and lounged by their pool for hours afterward (eek! I still can't believe I had the balls to do that!!!). I even kept my cool and found out it wasn't as scary or uncomfortable as I thought when they approached me about my room number LOL I woke up to the ocean out my window, fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing, got a fireworks show out my bedside window. I became familiar with people I never would have approached. I loaned something important to a stranger with the understanding that I may never get it back. I opened up. I healed. I got balanced. I got more in touch with nature than I have ever before. I worshipped the sun (without forgetting the moon). I lost things I thought I would crumble without... and barely blinked. I came face-to-face with my weakenesses. I let shyt flow. I lived. I was alive.

I dreamed new dreams. Dreams of a Goddess Guild at the local ren faire. Dreams of pirate days with unschooling groups, and belly dancing classes for all ages and body types. Dreams of a winter cabin in the mountains as a cave with a little community of gardeners and animal-lovers we call home. Dreams of living the uber-light life of van & tent set-up -- the best of both worlds: light & easy and spacious & ours.

That list is short because the "experience" list was so so long, and still not complete :)
I broke down more times than I can count, literally and *just* emotionally, and I got back up and started dancing.

I stepped into the flow and didn't get burned alive.

I'm okay right now. I got through the hardest part. I'm on the other side, feeling a lot of the same things I did after my unassisted birth: the dichotemy of "I can't believe I did that" and "Of course, I did!", the dichotemy of "I f*cking ROCK!" and "That was just life, nothing special", the dichotemy between "That was NOTHING like I expected" and "That was exactly what I knew it would be", the dichotemy of "That was an epic fail" and "That was an epic success" :)) The truth, as is often true in life, is both extremes and anywhere in between, depending on the moment and the context :)

I guess this is an epic success because I am happier and more content today than I was a year ago, because I am still joyfully living regardless, because I feel stronger than ever before, and mostly because this isn't the end -- I still have a giant empty canvas waiting for me to paint my new dreams upon.