Posted this in March 2010:
I was reading something Dayna Martin posted to her group, and I thought it was so profound, and I wanted to share it here and hopefully get some feedback from you all on it :)
"Training a child to be an adult is like someone from a retirement home coming over and punishing us because we aren't yet living as though we are senior citizens. Can you imagine being put in a time-out because we are living our present age and not seventy-five? This absurdity is what children in our culture live every single day, when parents get mad at them for acting like children."
I think, too often, we expect kids to act like adults. I think this society values things that are not characteristic of being a child and devalues things like playfulness and joyful abandon and naïveté and innocence and... and... and. Kids are not mini adults, and how they learn and live requires an understanding and an acceptance of their speed of learning something and their prioreties. We live in a society that makes children act like adults and then frowns upon adults with child-like qualities. When are we supposed to embrace that youth??
I have been very hard on myself for being "young", and I am beginning to understand why, and I am overjoyed that I have realized this, so I can embrace my oldest being "young" (well, all my kids, but she is at the age where I feel pressure for her to start "acting more apprpriate" and such).
April 2010:
I read a blog ("I Am Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write") by an unschooler, named Idzie (link in the Unschoolers Blog sidebar), that got me to thinking. I will post the blog and use the reply area to share my thinking since :)
Something I have heard oh so many times is that, because as teenagers and young adults our brains are not "fully developed", we are "bad" decision makers, and not to be trusted. It's a very frustrating attitude, that really seems to twist scientific data to suite anti-teen feelings in our culture. What constitutes "bad decision making", anyway? That's a very subjective opinion.
When I found this post a while back, I simply loved it. It deals with just that subject, and does so in such a wonderfully positive, pro-people way. It reads in part:
"Though Teen brains may indeed not possess myelin sheaths that adults brains have, that doesn’t make them 'unfinished', in the sense that the article portrays: foolish, flawed, poor decision makers.
Without Teen’s 'unfinished' brains 99% of the risk taking done in the name of love, art, idealism, adventure, protecting family, would disappear.
Teens excel at taking risks because they have perfectly developed brains for doing so.
Saying they have unfinished brains compares to saying a new moon hasn’t 'finished' until it swells to a full moon. The Teen brain marks one moment in the cycle of the brains life where it has enormous potential for one kind of behavior - risk taking, adventure, romantic expression."
I urge you to read the whole post. It's not very long. Personally, I just loved it, and will send it straight to the next person who seeks to silence and dis-empower a teen by telling them of their faulty brains!
Peace,
Idzie
So, this got me thinking about the "ideal" being adultish (we even have the phrase "prime", as I was about to use it!), and anything before it is just about it leading up to being an adult, and anything after one's "prime" is about being "over the hill". It just has me thinking about what we value and how we compare.
What if there is no such thing as an expert (or that we put too much value on it), because every stage leading up to it is perfectly perfect for its own reasons and purposes? What if it isn't a race to the finish line? What if the goal isn't even TO finish, but to live the now to its fullest and see where you end up? What if the path isn't linear? What if it can be but it doesn't have to be?
What if a child or a teen is not an incomplete adult? What amazing implications that holds!!! To honor them in their perfectness instead of trying to *teach them differently or *wait for more/different. What if their "lack" in one area is not a hole waiting for completeness but filled by something just as amazing and awesome?
What if the "goal" or destination is not to be an adult, but to make the most of everything before, during, and after it?
Hmmmm..... Yummy.
(Continueing -- I got sidetracked from my thought but just saw another step)
"What if their "lack" in one area is not a hole waiting for completeness but filled by something just as amazing and awesome?" What if as we become more [insert trait], we let go of an amazing awesome less-valued-by-others trait? If we do it for others, it is something sad and to be mourned, but if we do it for ourselves it is empowering? What if that is my story, my truth, but not The Truth? What if there is no "The Truth"? What if I am influencing my kids' stories by living mine?
This is kindmof the root of unschooling to me -- allowing my children to move at their pace and self design, because I feel sad about someone dictating this for them. I think it is so important, that I want them to be in charge. And I trust them that they have what they need to do it, and that they can do it. And my job is to honor and listen to and support and nourish their process and to be present for them and for it. We are social creatures by nature, and I think the best role I can perform is to be there, to be witness, to listen, to watch, to take care of my self, to possibly provide some ideas of how to do or handle things just by being a model, but to not be too attached to that role, to just hold it loosely and let it be what it is going to be.
Wow, this has turned out to be quite a thread!! :). Most of my "thinking" has been a current train of thought. For the last few days, I was only thinking up to part of the last response.
Wow, good stuff...........
Friday, December 3, 2010
Learning
This is how I love to learn, and it shapes how I set up experiences for my kids: I like to explore a bit with the freshness of a novice, get a feel for it for myself, and then maybe learn from someone else on the topic. This gives me the chance to see it all with fresh eyes first, so play around and get a feel for what might be shared later from someone else. Recently, I have been connecting with another good reason for this: it gives me a chance to find MY way foremost, and so I will be able to find someone (if desired) who will groove with my style and what I want from the experience.
This kind of goes along with something I wrote on June 16, 2010:
One of the dads at park day yesterday was talking about how he does not read informative type books anymore (but lots of fiction). He said he found it was people sharing a way to a destination and so when people read the book or website, they adopt someone else's way instead of finding their own way. He said he may read a book title (like "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk", for example) and find his own way to get to that destination if he thinks it might be valuable for him and his kids.
And more from June 16, 2010. The remainder of this post will be from that date :))
How people learn has been a big thing I have been constructing and thoughtfully tossing around in my head for a while now...
This quote is a part of my understanding of it:
"If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
You must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.
A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite."
William Martin
Me, April 2010:
Just as babies learn to crawl, and we know that there is importance to their development in this, I think kids learn to do other things as kind of precursors to later functioning. I am thinking about emotionally, cognitively, etc. They may not be learning how to _____, because there may be some "crawling" to be learned first :))
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from *any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is that it sharpens the contrast between what you want and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted circumstances, or failing to uphold your own standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
I am a contrast kinda person. I am realizing this more and more in life. On one hand I very much value peace and harmony and kindness and such, AND I am also realizing the times when I am not living up to my own ideals are not my failures, not mistakes, not bad -- just a beautiful contrast to appreciate things on in the canvas of life, no judgment. Life needs lots of different things to move and evolve and bring things into our life. Sometimes it's "good" stuff, sometimes it's "bad" stuff, but it's all beneficial, and it's all relative.
Have you noticed how it is usually big contrasts that kind of give us purpose? I see it all over the place. I see how my hurts have made me want to be kinder to my children, how my over-productiveness makes me want to be lazy, living luge for someone else makes me want to live it for me. I see this in other's, too. I see how growing up in a religious background can send people in the very opposite direction. If they chose to dissent from something that was big, the new thing can be very meaningful for them. Or those "ah-ha" moments, where we weren't really aware of something until "BAM!" something happens that brings it to light and it becomes a place of advocacy for us. Contrast is amazingly purposeful.
This kind of goes along with something I wrote on June 16, 2010:
One of the dads at park day yesterday was talking about how he does not read informative type books anymore (but lots of fiction). He said he found it was people sharing a way to a destination and so when people read the book or website, they adopt someone else's way instead of finding their own way. He said he may read a book title (like "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk", for example) and find his own way to get to that destination if he thinks it might be valuable for him and his kids.
And more from June 16, 2010. The remainder of this post will be from that date :))
How people learn has been a big thing I have been constructing and thoughtfully tossing around in my head for a while now...
This quote is a part of my understanding of it:
"If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
You must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.
A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite."
William Martin
Me, April 2010:
Just as babies learn to crawl, and we know that there is importance to their development in this, I think kids learn to do other things as kind of precursors to later functioning. I am thinking about emotionally, cognitively, etc. They may not be learning how to _____, because there may be some "crawling" to be learned first :))
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from *any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is that it sharpens the contrast between what you want and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted circumstances, or failing to uphold your own standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
I am a contrast kinda person. I am realizing this more and more in life. On one hand I very much value peace and harmony and kindness and such, AND I am also realizing the times when I am not living up to my own ideals are not my failures, not mistakes, not bad -- just a beautiful contrast to appreciate things on in the canvas of life, no judgment. Life needs lots of different things to move and evolve and bring things into our life. Sometimes it's "good" stuff, sometimes it's "bad" stuff, but it's all beneficial, and it's all relative.
Have you noticed how it is usually big contrasts that kind of give us purpose? I see it all over the place. I see how my hurts have made me want to be kinder to my children, how my over-productiveness makes me want to be lazy, living luge for someone else makes me want to live it for me. I see this in other's, too. I see how growing up in a religious background can send people in the very opposite direction. If they chose to dissent from something that was big, the new thing can be very meaningful for them. Or those "ah-ha" moments, where we weren't really aware of something until "BAM!" something happens that brings it to light and it becomes a place of advocacy for us. Contrast is amazingly purposeful.
Updates, Deschooling, and Self Love
So, I promised to get serious about this blog, and in my journey I purchased the domain name "Our Wildcrafted Life". This is HUGE! I am excited about using this blog as a form of expression and advocacy for all the things in life I am passionate about and want to connect with people about. I am thrilled! Another reason why this is huge is because I am kind of a commitment-phobe when it comes to names, and the fact that I purchased a domain name for this blog shows how comfortable I am with this name. I love it SO much and think it can last in our fast-changing lives :))
So, now that I have purchased a domain name, my next order of business is the actual blog. A face lift seems in order (more on that later), and I am going to do all that technical stuff (publish drafts that were unfinished thoughts, tag the posts I have been doing via iPhone, and probably more).
I have been reading some great blogs recently, and I have so many ideas for this blog! I'm so excited to get in my groove here :))
Aaaaand, my previous-drafts-now-published. Mind you, they are a bit raw, unfinished, just bits to chew on, I guess. And there will be more, possibly several more :)
Deschooling (May 23, 2010)
I read this awesome article about deschooling. I have been thinking about unschooling in our life and specifically the role of deschooling. I recently heard someone use the term "detoxing" to describe this same process of "undoing/unlearning" some unnatural or at least (un-our) ways of doing things. We have been unschooling for about 2.5 years (with a 4 month private-school detour smack-dab in the middle, only because I was taking a lot of classes one semester and didn't want my oldest to go to a daycare -- I knew she'd be bored out of her mind). I still feel us deschooling, especially in various life areas (as we realize who's way we are doing things -- it's a process for us). I feel our family blossoming into unschooling, too. it is easy for me to follow my passions and research whatever is interesting to me. I lived a very interest-driven childhood. Noble has always been unschooled, so nothing new for him. I guess Kass is the part of the puzzle that I see blossoming. It has taken some time to undo the constructed motivations and methods used in public schools, so she can construct her own ways of learning and what to learn. She has found some new interests and let go of some others (maybe temporary?). I think of unschooling-style projects being ones that she self-initiates, enjoys in depth, and exercises her creativity (not just "arts and crafts" type of creativity). She has been doing more and more of these recently. It feels extra special :) I know I am placing extra value on these things, and I very much value everything that she has interest in and enjoys, regardless of the "perceived quality" of the activity or the amount of depth involved or creativity. It's just extra special to me when it involves my 3 favorites :)) I often hear parents showing concern about activities their children enjoy, concern that they will never get their fill, concern that they aren't learning or that they could learn more doing something else, concern of how it looks to outsiders. I never worried about those things -- okay, I have had flickers of the last one, but ground myself in my truth and dig my heels in real deep -- I know that my insecurities are felt deeper than any physical concerns.
This one I titled "Self Love" and it is an excerpt from an article (entitled "Your Own Opinion of You Affects the Entire Universe") that doesn't seem to exist now... ? I was going to post this on June 16, 2010.
Abraham Hicks is a big name for Law of Attraction. You can search YouTube for videos, and the internet for articles, books, the official website, etc. I just wanted to share this bit that I really loved and have collected elsewhere:
I really don't give a rip what any of you are thinking because none of you have concentrated upon me fairly. None of you have really known - none of you know who I am, none of you know how I am from Source, none of you have walked in my shoes. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. I have accepted this feeling of unappreciation unfairly and I've practiced it, and I'm no longer gonna do it.
So, now that I have purchased a domain name, my next order of business is the actual blog. A face lift seems in order (more on that later), and I am going to do all that technical stuff (publish drafts that were unfinished thoughts, tag the posts I have been doing via iPhone, and probably more).
I have been reading some great blogs recently, and I have so many ideas for this blog! I'm so excited to get in my groove here :))
Aaaaand, my previous-drafts-now-published. Mind you, they are a bit raw, unfinished, just bits to chew on, I guess. And there will be more, possibly several more :)
Deschooling (May 23, 2010)
I read this awesome article about deschooling. I have been thinking about unschooling in our life and specifically the role of deschooling. I recently heard someone use the term "detoxing" to describe this same process of "undoing/unlearning" some unnatural or at least (un-our) ways of doing things. We have been unschooling for about 2.5 years (with a 4 month private-school detour smack-dab in the middle, only because I was taking a lot of classes one semester and didn't want my oldest to go to a daycare -- I knew she'd be bored out of her mind). I still feel us deschooling, especially in various life areas (as we realize who's way we are doing things -- it's a process for us). I feel our family blossoming into unschooling, too. it is easy for me to follow my passions and research whatever is interesting to me. I lived a very interest-driven childhood. Noble has always been unschooled, so nothing new for him. I guess Kass is the part of the puzzle that I see blossoming. It has taken some time to undo the constructed motivations and methods used in public schools, so she can construct her own ways of learning and what to learn. She has found some new interests and let go of some others (maybe temporary?). I think of unschooling-style projects being ones that she self-initiates, enjoys in depth, and exercises her creativity (not just "arts and crafts" type of creativity). She has been doing more and more of these recently. It feels extra special :) I know I am placing extra value on these things, and I very much value everything that she has interest in and enjoys, regardless of the "perceived quality" of the activity or the amount of depth involved or creativity. It's just extra special to me when it involves my 3 favorites :)) I often hear parents showing concern about activities their children enjoy, concern that they will never get their fill, concern that they aren't learning or that they could learn more doing something else, concern of how it looks to outsiders. I never worried about those things -- okay, I have had flickers of the last one, but ground myself in my truth and dig my heels in real deep -- I know that my insecurities are felt deeper than any physical concerns.
This one I titled "Self Love" and it is an excerpt from an article (entitled "Your Own Opinion of You Affects the Entire Universe") that doesn't seem to exist now... ? I was going to post this on June 16, 2010.
Abraham Hicks is a big name for Law of Attraction. You can search YouTube for videos, and the internet for articles, books, the official website, etc. I just wanted to share this bit that I really loved and have collected elsewhere:
I really don't give a rip what any of you are thinking because none of you have concentrated upon me fairly. None of you have really known - none of you know who I am, none of you know how I am from Source, none of you have walked in my shoes. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. I have accepted this feeling of unappreciation unfairly and I've practiced it, and I'm no longer gonna do it.
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