Firstly, there is a difference between principles and rules. I have found rules to be hardfast, quick-fix shortcuts, rigid, limiting, impeding upon natural learning, creating rebelliousness and other complexes, usually stem from my own discomforts, and sometimes the only way I can retain sanity in a moment of feeling overwhelmed (so I understand why some parents use them <3).
Principles are meant to be general pointers in a direction toward a common goal. Our goals and means strive to be something that looks like our version of "be safe, respectful, and sincere." I substituted "sincere" for the "kind" I've always seen -- I didn't want "kind" to get confused with "nice" (which I'm still situating, but am basically uncomfortable with right now), and the kindness I know of kinda goes along with "respectful".
Let me also say that these are just training wheels, to help our family live more harmoniously (as per my New Years resolution), after some serious chaos and upheaval for the past couple years. These training wheels are not held over people's heads and thrust at them in challenging moments. We talk about them at our monthly pow wow meetings and explore them a bit in our daily lives through observing experiences and discussing them. They are still new for us as principles, so this post will be simple and raw and more about intention than details. These will look mostly like me implementing them into my interactions, since the kid's pick up my vibes and styles without me forcing (and they pick up the force when I try to force anything). I can already see these being tweaked a bit, but for today, lemme explain what we have come up with so far :))
Some details of "safe". Lemme share with some examples. Safe, to me, does not mean "don't climb up onto the table because you could fall and get hurt" -- our style of "safe" is helping the baby to challenge herself and explore her environment in a way that is safe, so maybe standing there and "spotting" her, showing her how to get down safely, padding the ground around her with pillows, or something of the like. "Safe" does not mean "hold my hand in the parking lot" -- our style of safe means watching for cars and standing between my son and them, or waiting for a closet parking spot... Although, usually, we like to hold hands together :)) "Safe" doesn't mean they can't climb all over the jungle gym at their comfort level, or go barefoot in the rain, or play swords with sticks, or climb trees hiiiiiiiigh, or jump from rock to rock or whatever. We just follow our personal comfort levels, and I'm pretty relaxed -- although, I've been known to have a good cry over some scares (hiding kids in a department store, a near miss of a car, a pretty bad injury). For me, pains and hurts and injuries are a part of life and one for each of us to decide for ourselves how we feel about them (including my children, who can decide for themselves).
"Respectful" does not look like me reminding my child to "use their manners" or apologize, when they aren't. That doesn't feel respectful to them, no matter how "nice" I am about it. Again, "respectful" starts with me. I strive to be respectful toward my children and myself and the people I encounter. It can look like me giving someone the benefit of the doubt or assuming positive intent. It is usually me being understanding and listening. It is related to how I care for our belongings and for this earth. It involves how I conduct myself with integrity with strangers and loved ones. It involves me doing the things that feel right and good from me and understanding that everyone has their own way -- they don't have to have my style ;)) It includes the reasons why I help my children to explore what feels right to them.
Being "sincere" is grounded in connection, presence, and authenticity. When I handle something out-of-alignment from how I want to, I can sincerely approach my child and connect with them and heal the gap. When something is bothering me, I can be present with my loved one or myself and speak truths from a place of authenticity, love, and a quest for reconciliation of some sort. I am learning to be sincere with myself about my vulnerabilities and what-can-feel-like-unworthiness, and am finally doing some real healing. Sincerity doesn't always look like "being nice" for us -- sometimes, somethings are raw when they are being sorted out, but kindness is obviously the bigger picture (even if it is being kind enough to be honest). Honesty without connection can be just mean. Sometimes, that happens here, but that's not sincerity.
When I first started exploring and experimenting with unschooling in our lives, I knew I wanted my kids to be authentic and real and honest, and not compliant or "well behaved". I wanted to give up control (and I dived in and gave it up fast!), and what I got was an out-of-control pre-preteen and a chaotic home. I thought the opposite of "compliant" was her doing whatever would feel right to her and because I believed all the goodness in her would come out, we would be good. I am grateful we did it the way we did, because I held fast the whole time (well, 90% of it!), and we learned "our way", but I know that way wouldn't work for others. I knew that the pendulum would, was, and needed to swing the other way. I knew the "control" needed to be "out of control" before it could find balance and be truly wild :)) Now that we have gotten so much controllingness and reaction-to-no-control out of our system, we can be truly natural learners. I learned what the loving balance between "compliant" and "noncompliant" is: cooperative. And now we are living it :))) I don't know where exactly the shift came from (a few possibilities), but we've been living it for a couple weeks now, and our life feels like a very different story than one I may have told a couple months ago. We are still working out the kinks, and these "safe, respectful, sincere" training wheels are just the next tools we can use on this journey :)) I'm careful to encourage these together, learning side-by-side, rather than any repression going on (has happened in our past: stuffing things to "be nice"). It's delicious, one bite at a time :)))))
I hope that explains a bit of what we have been thinking about around here recently :)
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