Birth

I never knew what a birth junkie I was, until preparing for the unassisted birth of my third child. Yes, I said my third LOL With my first 2, I didn't research birth. With my first, I was actually terrified of the upcoming birth and decided to not think about it. When the time came, I just took it one step at a time, did an amazing job of birthing naturally, and ended up on a mommy high for months afterward! With my second child, I loved my pregnant body a million times more, but I thought there was nothing new to learn about birth since I'd one it before, already. HA! I learned with him that I almost had him in a bathtub while I was waiting for my contractions to get "consistent" like the midwife had told me to do before calling again and heading down to the hospital-based birth center. I learned that stress makes ALL the difference when it comes to pain. I learned that I was DEFINITELY having my homebirth with my third and final child someday. And I learned that I was going to be oh-so picky about who the attending midwife was going to be. Hadn't expected that I wouldn't have one :))

While researching for about 6 months for my unassisted birth, I found so much AMAZING information about women and birth and life and living and ritual and cycles and emotions and goddesses and legacies and trust and flowing and atmosphere. Birth was my world for those few months. I adored my growing belly and took better care of myself than I ever had -- listening to myself, exploring issues, trusting the insides. It was such an amazing journey, and I cannot do the experience justice in so little words <3 So, I gave birth. Birth was so symbolic for me. I felt more empowered than ever in my life. I felt more connected to every women who has ever birthed, was birthing, and would birth. Birth, birth, birth, birth, birth!

Around the time of my daughter's 1st birthday, I started thinking back to how I felt a year ago, big pregnant with potential and opportunity, slower, more tired, awaiting the day when I was done being full and could empty and see it all laying before me -- all that hard internal work, all those dreams manifested, actualized. I felt more beautiful than ever (I was, and I have the pics to prove it!). After giving birth, I felt so light, so small, especially in comparison to the energy magnet before us. I'm gonna be honest, I had been feeling a bit hopeless in my life around my daughter's 1st birthday. I had sunk inward and couldn't seem to gain the momentum to climb out. Then, I had an idea! Today, I don't even remember what that idea was -- haha. What I do remember is that I had a great plan to meet the needs that hadn't been being met for the past few months. I birthed this idea, this opportunity for manifestation and actualization! I felt empowered again. I felt light, after birthing this whole thing I'd been growing in the deep, dark recesses of me. Gone instantly was the tiredness and hopelessness. New birth...

This winter, I sunk in pretty deep. I welcomed the giant hole I wanted to sink into, but I kept getting dragged out of it by my children and then puppies. I wanted to be swallowed whole and come out when I was ready. Two or three nights before the lunar eclipse, I learned about it and about how rare it is and the amazing experience it was. I felt instantly connected with Grandmother Moon, and anticipated this amazing symbolic event. Yule. What could we do for Yule? I researched some stories of Yule, since I had only threads of a tapestry of what Yule was, handed down from my mom and now just pieces haunting my understanding of it. The story I found was about the first Yule. It goes something like... Mother Earth slept progressively more during the fall and winter months, until her children could not rouse her to provide them with food and care. Their father, Sun, was also retreating further and further away into the night sky. The children turned to Grandmother Moon for advice, and she suggested they climb the highest hills and trees and yule to him ("yule" meaning "sing/carol"), so they did, and the Father Sun returned, and the Mother Earth awoke. And they all progressed toward spring and summer. My oldest and I spent the day caroling Yule songs, yuling the Sun to us and to awaken the Earth. And something magickal happened -- a  kindling, a tranformation. I felt myself ready to climb out of that hole I'd been enjoying and trusting and rejuvinating in, and days later I realized that I felt more like an earthy mama than ever!

Now, here I am. I have shaken off the old dead stuff and am reborn, rejuvinated, refreshed, with the energy needed to sustain spring and looking forward to summer. The winter solstice was a time of letting go and of rebirth. I felt freshness and ideas popping up, as if spring were already here. I felt instantly ready to, not only take on life, but to succeed in my ventures. As the new year greeted us, I was gushing with ideas for life, ideas for inspired order in all the delicious chaos, ideas for new rich and plentiful experiences to savor in this new year, ideas for coaxing partnership out from the basement and into the family room ♥ I feel like I have been big pregnant with so much going on inside me, and now I have birthed, and I feel light and agile, capable and empowered. Birth is so amazing, be it physical or something else entirely :) Seeing my life in the "birth, life, death, rebirth" cycle analogy has been so insightful. It helps me to appreciate, respect, and celebrate each of the cycles of me, and to trust that when it seems like a dark hour, maybe it is the moment of giving birth.

**I dedicate this blog post to my baby sister, who has birthed many times, but may have her first daughter any day now ♥