Living from the belly

In one of my last writings, I wrote about how I knew I wasn't lazy, but couldn't quite find the word, and then Law of Attraction jumped in to answer my request in the form of Tara writing an amazing blog post about how It’s Not Laziness You Need To Overcome (6 Things You Are Instead of Lazy). And it really fit with a quote I remember reading from Abraham Hicks last year about how you are not "procrastinating", it's just that whatever it is that needs to get done is not in alignment with where you are at in your life right now. I wanted to share that little synchrony with you ♥

So, I have been thinking a lot about anxiety. I have had a few things shift around and inside me that feel both liberating and insightful that I wanted to share. Firstly, I need to share this video with you, because it's all grounded in that.



I just watched that video again a couple minutes ago, and it made me cry. I want to speak from my belly. I want to LIVE from my belly. I want to know that divine feminine. I want to BE that divine feminine. I've been thinking so much recently about how badly I need a retreat. I started to have one, you know... Until I realized that what I need is much bigger than to avoid facebook and blogging. I need to exit this house and insert myself in some deep and serious mother nature. So, now I am in Operation Get-the-hell-out-of-this-house Mode. I am really contemplating not keeping this house. Who knows....

Anyway, so back to anxiety. When I think of living and BEING from my belly, and anxiety, and my over-eating, and my history with food and depression and self-searching.... I realize that my eating is not a borometer of what state my life is. My stomach is the foundation of what my life is. It's the path I want to walk, and it is my inner guide, my compass. And anxiety, anxiety is exiting my belly and entering my head.

I've talked about grounding myself in my truth when feeling and talking and connecting. I have been connecting with my belly! Grounding myself has really been coming from my belly. And I ask myself, what would life be like if I lived it from my belly? And my answer to myself is Wow. Just wow.

I would know that anxiety was a fear of the path my stomach would take me down.

Anxiety is the draw away from my belly. Anxiety is being afraid of honesty, being afraid of the truth.

Can I just say that again? That floating restlessness that makes me want to climb out of my fingertips from my brain is me trying to escape what is true.

Wow. I am crying again.

So, what is true?

What true is that little bits of stuff come up during the day, during my interactions with people, and I rush off in the other direction to avoid those bits. Social anxiety.

What's true is that I'm afraid to be all of me.

All of me. Embracing every bit of me that I resist and judge and fear and adore and am afraid to let out of the closet.

And I will tell you something about my fears. I have been educated so well on so many "shoulds" that I am afraid of letting them go. I feel like a small child who wants to run and play in an open meadow carefree, but my parent is telling me about all of the things that I must do instead. And I cannot BEGIN to tell you how strong the urge is to just walk away from it all. What are they going to do -- take away my birthday?

So, this is the deal. I am going to start working on this house (more than just shifting stuff around and taking pics to post on Craigslist). I am going to start taking loads of stuff out to the garage for a garage sale, and loads to stuff to the dumpster -- sorry Mother Earth, I wish I had the energy to sift through everything and find it all homes, but part of the problem in the first place is that I horde so much stuff for possible future craft projects to avoid filling the dumpsters in the first place! I rescue stuff from the dumpsters, so I am going to use that to justify this chance to just call it all quits.

I have to walk away. I need to go on this retreat like LAST WEEK, so I need to get my butt moving.

I have been feeling the need to just BE THERE already. I am tired of the sage advice about the journey and shyt. You don't understand. I've been on this freakin journey, and it has been great, but I am bursting out of here and I need to do it where I need to do it (over THERE).

Next month (if not sooner, goodness!) we will be on the road. I am ready to be out of here. Over ready.

I can't wait to go find my belly life. I can't wait to get back in touch with my belly, to ground myself in it until I am unshakable and unappologetic. Until it is so my truth that no "obligations" or "shoulds" can weigh me down or penetrate into my space.

Currently, I am like a 3 Muskateers candy bar -- soft chocolate shell with a super-soft nougetty center. I want to be more like an M&M -- a hard candy shell with hard chocolate inside that melts in your mouth, not in your hands :))

There is so much in my current life that I am uncomfortable with, that is out of alignment with what I know to be the truth I want to embrace and live. I cannot WAIT (literally), to drop all of this and move the heck on to greener cobblestone paths :))))))))

Alright, enough talk! I'm off to start working :D