Because I Wanna

I have been having this amazingly liberating relationship "decluttering" over the past several days with my sister, and today we finally reached a point where we were stripped down to just love and apology. It reminded me of this quote by Marilyn Monroe, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together." We finally hit mutually agreed upon rubble, and it was palpable relief for me! I posted about some of the stuff that has been coming up for me yesterday, but I wanted to share what the bottom line for me came down to: judgment.

I have been trying for a long time to work on not being judgmental. I thought I was pretty good at accepting people's choices for their lives, but some things still came up and I had to really work on not being judgmental about them. I didn't want to feel this way -- consciously, I wanted to love and accept everyone because I know in my head that we are all doing our best to paint, regardless of whether I liked the picture or not. Ideally, I want to feel like this.

Today, I had the "ah ha" moment that is helping me to difuse judgment at its root...

I realized that if I had a problem with some choice someone is making for their life, it's because there is a problem in my own life in that area -- I mean, if I was at peace with somethhing, why would I care if someone chose something different? Then I realized that when I feel like my choice in that area was taken away, I feel a problem with someone making a choice I never got to really make.

Sometimes I decided I didn't have a choice because my head read or my heart felt that that something was best, so I couldn't make the choice to do any less than the best. Sometimes I was just plain petrified of something, so there was no choice in the matter. Sometimes, I was punished as a kid for doing something by my parents or my friends (like being bossy or showing anger), so I can't find peace with my kids making those choices.

Once I locate that place where my choice was taken away, I give myself the choice to do either, or I realize that I would have just chosen this choice anyway, and it diffuses. Sometimes, it is takes more digging and exploring. I just realized this today, and it's still new and raw, but it feels like a huge ah-ha moment, and I wanted to share it with you in it's earliest stages.

I look forward to developing this a bit and hearing what you have to share about it...

Another part of this is that I have been super sensitive to feeling judged by others, and now I can understand when something truly is them and not me. I have friends who are married, who are Christian, who had c-sections -- not of them were judgmental about me making different choices. It's not just about making different choices, it's about making choices. I make choices because I wanna.