Accepting My Children

This has been one of my biggest struggles with my oldest, and I am finding how it trickles down to accepting my middle child even more than I could have imagined. It is easy for me to accept differing interests (although, I am finding that I wasn't as accepting as I thought I was, even -- my interests or "villianizing" things made it difficult for my children to feel unconditionally accepted and for us to connect in joy on those matters). The difficult areas for me have been my children's learning paths concerning social interactions; my oldest has a lot of stuff to undo from our past, and my son is developing in a way that is true to him which does not suit some family members or strangers. It is difficult navigating a way to honor my children and other people, especially when I am still untangling my responsibilities to my children and seeing so much of other peoples' stuff as "their stuff". As I extend these same philosophies of trust, respect, honoring of own paths, and consensual problem-solving, I find myself naturally wanting to doing the figuring out of this. It is entailing some mediating between the 2, assuming postive intent, and assuring well-meaning people that I am okay whatever they are doing (sometimes finding a "learning" way of explaining it, "He is practicing his balance" or "learning about acustics" or whatever). Sometimes (mostly, with my son), it means explaining things for him ("He doesn't like people to touch his dreads" or "He is uncomfortable with strangers telling him what to do"). I am just realizing, recently, that just as I tailor my life to work for me and leave me successful, I want to give my children the opportunity to tailor their lives to work for them and leave them feeling successful, too :) I understand their social development in the same terms as their cognitive or academic: some kids learn to read in time and my daughter is learning on her own time schedule, too. The only thing that can truly hinder her learning is me complicating it with my own issues. How can she help but find her own way, if her internal guidance system isn't muddled with the "shoulds" and "have tos" of anyone who is not in her shoes. With my son, I was having trouble accepting his way of wanting to play. Being a peace-mongerer, I could not enjoy or value helping his guys fight -- I didn't want him to grow up to be violent! As I tried to not let my issues muck up his play while I fgured out how I felt about it and observed him, I saw him processing the things he saw and heard. Then I started thinking about the fact that my connection with him and the joyful relationship we created was the biggest predictor of him NOT being violent in his future. The last part (so far) of this journey was that I thought about the positive aspects of what his current interests in fighting could lead to, like a future in martial arts or any kind of competative fighting (fencing, etc.). Who knows? In the very least, by encouraging him to enjoy this play, he could "get it all out" and move on.

So, I found this article that really speaks to me in accepting my children. Here are some excerpts:

"Modern moms and dads tend to approach parenting as a project, something we can control. We want the best for our children—the happiest childhood, the most secure future—so we try to mold them almost from birth. Instead of letting them gradually discover their own unique interests and talents, we give them constant direction, using an arsenal of scheduled activities, educational products, team sports, and private lessons to shape who they are."

"Instead of imposing our own dreams and wishes on our children, we need to recognize that they came into this world with certain traits, abilities, and weaknesses that we can't change. "Our job is to tune in, discover who this person is, and ask ourselves how can we can best support them as they unfold into the world,"

"Childhood is a big buffet, a time for kids to try new things and explore and see what moves them," Doe says. "We need to be loving guides for that, rather than putting unnecessary expectations and achievement-oriented rules onto our child's play."

Positive words are also contagious. Kids will learn to view their world from a positive point-of-view when they hear their parents say things like, "We're stuck in traffic. Isn't this great? We get to spend more time together on the way to school."

"Kids are rapidly changing, and we need to allow our children to show us who they are today," Doe says. "When we show up each day with a sort of 'blank slate' about who our child is right now, we're open to the surprises they bring us and we can take action to help them evolve into who they're meant to be."

It's important to encourage your child's dreams, wishes, and hopes—even when they're completely different from yours. If your child declares, "I want to be a race car driver!" don't say, "Are you kidding me? You'll get killed!" Instead, look deeper and try to find the essence of that interest. Ask questions. Say, "Hmm, that's really cool. What is it about racing that interests you? Is it going fast? Having people applaud? The way a car works?" Explore a bit. Get a book from the library on race-car driving. Ask yourself, "What's the essence of this dream and how can I support that in my child?"