My Role

I think a lot about my role in my kids' lives. I prefer to live intentionally, and so I am very thoughtful about the impact I am having on my kids (or not).  I wrote this not too long ago:

I really want my kids to trust themselves, to keep that sense of self intact. I want them to continue to think for themselves, not start to rely on me for information about a situation. I want to just be present with my kids. I feel like I am undermining it, by trying to "teach" or "guide" or even offer unsolicited "insight" at moments. I think that the unsolicited part is really the key. When I shut up and just watch my kids evolve, I see so much personal growth for them and for me! I am constantly reminded of how brilliant they are and how they always learn for themselves. Just like I trust that they learn their academics through real life, I trust that they are learning the rest of life through real life, too :) They don't need me to "teach" them these things, and I feel like my teaching is undoing their learning.

I was trying to figure out how I felt about offering advice to them.  Currently, I feel like my "advice" IS an offering, and they don't need to take it.  I feel like I am a strewing opportunity for my kids: my advice and stories and interests and all of that are one way of doing things and may offer some insight if they want it.  Recently, I read this by Scott Noelle:

:: Helping vs. Co-creation ::


Q: How do you know when it's appropriate

to offer your child help/assistance?
 A: When the offer feels *inspired* rather

than fear-based.
 If you're coming from a perspective that your child is

helpless, damaged, weak, incompetent, lost, wrong,

etc., then your "help" will only give power to that

belief. It won't feel inspired to you, and it won't

inspire your child to connect with his or her Power.
 But if you consciously shift your perspective to one

in which you see your child as capable of finding his

or her way, you won't feel like you "should" help, and

you probably won't offer to help unless asked.



However, you might be *inspired* to get involved in a

way that doesn't feel like you're a "have" helping a

"have-not" -- it'll feel more like two souls playing

together, co-creating purely for the joy of it!



http://dailygroove.net/helping

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!

(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)

Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle

I think he is really onto something...  I also wrote:

I am finding the importance of making sure my children know that I am human, like anyoe else, like they are. I learn, I evolve, I change, I try something a million times before I figure it out, I am not always correct or accurate or "right". This is something I am figuring out for myself, as myself. I am finding my balance between accepting myself as perfect as I am, and accepting that I don't have to be right about everything, that it is okay for me to make a mistake or be incorrect about something, etc.

And:

You're Not the Boss of Me: This is my new favorite line recently. It really helps me be clear on where I end and someone else starts. Whether it be someone trying to get me to do something, or if I feel like someone is wanting me to feel a certain way, or if I find myself trying to control my kids (then I imagine them saying it). It is just a very clear little phrase that often has me laughing, too, when I think of it (and humor is like the spoon of sugar that helps it all go down easier). I offered it to Kass, too, in case she ever wants to use it for when I don't catch myself trying to tell her what to do :) What a fun phrase :D

And:

"I" and "You":
So, I have been thinking a lot recently about my language during interacting with my children. I am focusing a lot, on my path currently, on listening.


I recently realized that I really like the way it feels when I use "you" language during connecting with my children. When they are upset or telling me something, I might say, "You are upset!?" or "You like to do that, hah?" :) It feels so good, really tuning into them, rather than making it about my story, about "I".
When I am being authentic, it feels very good to use "I" language. I might say, "Gosh, I really don't want to play that game right now." or "I don't like the way it feels when you do that." or "I'm really concerned for him when you do that."
I really love disinguishing the difference between the two :)
 
And:
 
Respect:
I often hear this word used by parents in reference to how they parent or interact with their kids. I think it is one of those words (like love) that can have very different out-picturings. I use those words as a vehicle to understanding and accepting parents who do things differently than I do. I am really striving to connect with other parents these days, to know that they are doing what they feel is respect and love with their children. I just see it as different than my way of expressing it. Lemme explain:
Respect: I respect my kids to make their own choices, whereas some other parents respect their kids to help them manifest the outcomes that the parent sees as most favorable. I don't see either as "better", just more aligned with whatever goals one has.
As I am understanding these things, I am finding myself able to align myself better with what feels right for my family, and also to be enveloping of other parents on their paths. I prefer to spend my time with likeminds, and I enjoy seeing the benefits of this (oftentimes in comparison to more mainstream groups), but I always welcome an opportunity to connect with another person in shared understanding :)

This was posted in a group that I am in:

I try to respond to dischord between my kids and to their individual meltdowns with honest, compassionate expression of my feelings about the situation. We keep a conversation going about living and being human. I don't let myself get caught up in a fantasy of ever-happy kids and I don't hold myself directly responsible for keeping everyone perfectly happy. I just try to do my best and relax.

This was a piece of a moment I was having (full post in "Athenticity" post):

It seems that instead of trying to mediate life or interactions, my role is to nourish hurt feelings and support experiences and opinions and listen a LOT and answer mostly only when asked. I see being controlling as a form of fear of trust (a friend shared this key with me), but I DO trust when I rethink and align what I am fearing/controlling and my current understandings, and I am learning to trust even further.

[clip]

One thing I am learning to trust is my feelings. I am less uncomfortable with discomfort (haha @ that sentence). I used to stuff or stuff myself or hide or hide from or get upset or get angry from discomfort. I am starting to understand that leaning into discomfort is exquisite emotionally, an opportunity to learn about me and my opinions and what triggers me (all of life that I experience is a reflection of me -- what is being reflected?). When I mediate life to avoid discomfort, I am missing out on experiences to reflect on myself and shake out old stuck feelings. When I mediate life for my children, I am robbing them of learning experiences, too, which is especially important since we are unschoolers/life-learners/whole life unschoolers. I learn more from intensity (that is WHY it is intense!), and avoiding intensity is like avoiding life, avoiding growth, avoiding learning, avoiding self. Mediating myself (like those social training things we internalized from our childhood) is avoiding making an impact, and then I compensate by trying to (only) make a big positive impact by sharing all of my "good, positive" stuff.

I'm still situating my understanding of my role in my kids' lives and my responsibility to them and to me. I like the path I am on.  That's a good start, in the very least :)