Authenticity has been a big thing for me in the near past, to bring me where I am now. I posted this elsewhere, but thought it was still relevant in my life, so I tweaked it and posted it here:
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that got me reflecting on what I value about our family interactions....
The bumper sticker read "I [heart] my wife". And my first reaction was, that is sweet. Then I started thinking, unless she made him get it, or even pressured him in any way. In that case, wouldn't it just be a reflection of her, not him? So, I started thinking about the analogy with radical unschooling... Take manners for example: some parents force their kids to say please and thank you, but that doesn't sound like true thankfulness to me. I try to be mindful about not forcing my kids to do things: I don't want their actions to be about me, but about them -- it's their life and their internal compass. It's like a love spell: if you force someone to fall in love with you, you never know if they really do or not, but for some people I guess, all they want is the love, not the choice to be loved by that person.
And I find it to be SO much sweeter when a child choses to say they love me than do it when they are told to <3
Here is another one:
I have been really feeling how far-reaching this can be, recently. Not only do I not tell my kids what to say or how to act (oftentimes, I don't even make suggestions), but I am starting to really grasp how this includes the kids' interactions with each other. I am currently searching out how to extend this to the conflicts between them - I have long been a mediator between them, and I think I am going to really enjoy being in the mindset of just another party whose role is to love and understand everyone, rather than the judge or security.
Just as an untaught "thank you" or an unforced "I love you" means more to me and seems to validate them and their dignity, I see their authentic interactions as another "god-given" right to chose and navigate for themselves.
So, I stopped suggesting manners or what-not about a year ago, and my daughter has been refiguring out how she feels about them for herself. I love it! Even in the midst of my own discomfort (or, more accurately, that urge inside me to "say and do" manners that was well-intentionally taught to me), but it is thrilling to experience them figuring it all out themselves, for themselves.
Authenticity runs so deep to me, as someone who was well-intentionally managed and taught, as someone who looked outward for answers instead of checking in with myself to see what I want to do :)
More:
I heard people say that part of being authentic is not doing something with your kids when you don't want to be doing it, and I also hear "do this to be a good unschooler", and I hear "fake it til you make it". These are the conclusions I have come to... If my daughter wants me to play a game with her and I really don't like it but I do anyway, am I being authentic? I was trying to understand how it can be. I realized that I am not liking the game, but I am being authentic in wanting to connect with my daughter by playing with her.
So then I was thinking, how could this be applicable? I was thinking, if I am doing something ONLY because I think I "should" or "have to". In those instances, maybe it is too far-removed from authenticity.
My current take on authenticity involves following our internal compass, trusting ourselves, sharing what is coming up, focusing on connecting, and taking responsibility for my own stuff.
More:
After reading Part 1 (http://dailygroove.net/radical-honesty),
you may be wondering if it's a good idea to be
radically honest with your child, too.
For example, suppose you're angry about something your
child did. Should you tell your child how you feel?
Children can feel your anger whether or not you talk
about it, so there's no point in hiding it. But being
honest about your anger doesn't mean expressing
it *at* your child.
Instead of yelling, "I'm really mad at you for doing
that!" you can process the anger separately. If it
feels emotionally honest to curse and stomp, you can
do so without "pointing" the negative energy at your
child. Turn away and don't make eye contact until
you've transformed the anger into *determination* to
get what you want. Then you can say something like,
"I *really* want you to find another way! I *know* we
can work this out..." etc.
In other words, don't use "honesty" as an excuse to
dump on your child. Be honest with *yourself* and find
a way to "detoxify" your truth before expressing it to
your child.
http://dailygroove.net/radical-honesty-2
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
I wrote this about being real:
I am having this wonderful unfolding of layers concerning this. I wanted to share and build with others on it :)
Real is authentic -- it is not a mediated, controlled, watered-down, or candy-coated version of the world. It is full and rich with lots of feelings and experiences and opportunities -- not all "good" or "bad", and these terms can be obsolete if we let go of judgment.
It seems that instead of trying to mediate life or interactions, my role is to nourish hurt feelings and support experiences and opinions and listen a LOT and answer mostly only when asked. I see being controlling as a form of fear of trust (a friend shared this key with me), but I DO trust when I rethink and align what I am fearing/controlling and my current understandings, and I am learning to trust even further.
One thing I am learning to trust is my feelings. I am less uncomfortable with discomfort (haha @ that sentence). I used to stuff or stuff myself or hide or hide from or get upset or get angry from discomfort. I am starting to understand that leaning into discomfort is exquisite emotionally, an opportunity to learn about me and my opinions and what triggers me (all of life that I experience is a reflection of me -- what is being reflected?). When I mediate life to avoid discomfort, I am missing out on experiences to reflect on myself and shake out old stuck feelings. When I mediate life for my children, I am robbing them of learning experiences, too, which is especially important since we are unschoolers/life-learners/whole life unschoolers. I learn more from intensity (that is WHY it is intense!), and avoiding intensity is like avoiding life, avoiding growth, avoiding learning, avoiding self. Mediating myself (like those social training things we internalized from our childhood) is avoiding making an impact, and then I compensate by trying to (only) make a big positive impact by sharing all of my "good, positive" stuff. Wow, what a side of real life, I deprive the world of!!!
7 comments:
It's very giving of you to open yourself and share your innermost thoughts with the world. It's interesting to see what you have to say.
Your approach is so different from most people. I hope it's working out for you. I wonder if it will. I'd like to "think aloud" on that, if I may.
This blog is your home. I'm reluctant to share my alternate viewpoints, but I'd also love to open a dialogue with you on what you had to say. Perhaps I'll learn something from the interaction.
So to start.... I may be wrong, but it seems that this approach by its very design would turn out very selfish and destructive people, unless they have a fabulous moral compass to start with. It seems to espouse that how kids feel is more important than behaving properly. You seem to consider your kids' feelings and their genuine wants more important than coexisting with society. Manners help people get along. We live in a world that we have to share.
I know you're not saying that manners don't matter, but rather you don't want them offered falsely -- without genuine heart behind them. It's true that it's better to mean you're sorry than to not care what you've done to others. However, I don't think we should abandon manners just because our heart lacks compassion to be sorry when we ought to be. Sometimes we have to learn to behave right even when our heart wants to be destructive.
I think it's important for people to display right actions even when inside we're boiling with frustrations. That's part of acting like an adult. Your kids aren't adults yet, but someday they're supposed to act it. How will they learn if there are no expectations? I guess if their internal compass is a compassionate one, it can work out anyways. But if it's not, it could be a setup for enormous problems down the line. Or at least, that's what I suspect.
Kids benefit from mentors, people who show them how to handle their frustrations and conflicts. They ought to be shown productive ways to handle bad situations. They should be taught that the world does not revolve around them. Not everything they do is okay, especially when it impinges upon other people.
It'd be interesting to see how this experiment works out for you. I don't see enough of how it all fits together just looking at this brief blog. There may be other things going on in the background that help things work out, and maybe I'm just seeing the holes.
While I don't agree with the approach you've described, I support your authority to do what you think is important with your kids. I wish you and your family well.
Wow, Cindy :) Thank your for well-thoughtout response :)) I replied to your email, but this may overlap a bit since I'll start fresh :) Mind you, I'm pretty sick right now (had the flu all day), so I may not be able to get too in depth if I get tired or something :))
Radical unschooling is a complete paradigm shift. I remember us talking before about what unschooling is, and I shared that it is learning academics from real life instead of contrived parent-guided ways. Radical unschooling is applying that same philosophy to the rest of life. Even people who identify with the title radical unschooler may have different comfort zones in how far they will take it. I will be the first to admit that I hold purist beliefs -- that radical unschooling can work for everything if it is done as a lifestyle choice (in contrast to a part-time gig). I am on the same path of learning and healing that my kids are, and thankfully we have time to sort a bunch of stuff out still :) The basis of radical unschooling is that you trust your child's self-directed path, their development, and that one step at a time will get us where we want to go. So, I don't need to stress this chapter, and I don't expect my kids to practice the final chapter -- they are getting there, and they are learning way more than I ever could have "taught".
You mentioned social responsibilities, and I agree with what you said, but probably not in the way you meant. I want my kids to be true to themselves regardless of what society says about who they are. I would rather live my life and run with folks like me, than live by someone else's rules and not be true to myself. This may lead to my daughter being a wild child -- gosh, I hope so! She'll learn and she figure it all out on her terms. I have a different definition of the world "wild", I think. I mean like nature's version of wild, not kids who grow up controlled and go out of control when they realize their parents can't make them do whatever.
I believe that our meeting at the park may be what has led your concern about my daughter, because she was all out of whack that day -- she gets so nervous when she is new somewhere and it reflects in her interactions with other people. I find that, usually, it is the parents who have more of a problem than the kids. The parents have a lot of fears. My daughter's gift in life is to push limits. She is brilliant in so many ways, and she doesn't have the same "social IQ", so she doesn't know limits like some do -- me being uber sensitive to limits, it has been like nails on a chalkboard for me at times. I just remember that she is pushing me to grow in ways that make me a better person. I believe my daughter was made the way she is for a reason, and her gift to the world, like anyone's, is in her gifts. Ever notice how in movies the outcastes have some amazingly underapprciated gifts? I am trying to embrace my daughter for who she is, and I trust that this is the only way that she will find her own balance and actually be able to become a contributing member of society. In the past, I have tried guiding her toward what I had been taught about society's expectations on people, but as I a trying to undo those in my own life, I realized I wanted to "be the change I wish to see in the word." I know that my daughter's (and my son's and my baby's) internal state is reflected in their external reality. I also know that she has found more healing when I have let go of the mast and let her sail the path she knows is best for her.
The quandary, of course, comes in interacting with people who don't understand or just feel so overwhelmed by their own anxieties that they can't tolerate it. Isn't that what living an alternative lifestyle usually comes down to? We try to take it on a case by case basis and encourage open dialogue for anyone interested in sharing it with us.
This has taken me so long to write, and I am too tired to try to edit (I am using my phone), so I hope this makes sense and answers some of your questions, and feel free to check out the links on the sidebar for more info from other people who have influenced my path :))
One more thing, check the tag/label "responsibility" because that is where I have sorted out my understanding of my role in this society :))
Hope all is well!!! And I hope to talk with you again soon :))
Darn, one more thing I wanted to mention :)) I think our outcomes that we wish for our children are similar: healthy, well-adjusted, cooperative, joyful children. Maybe our paths to get there look a bit different, but I hold in my heart that I share the same love as other people do, which enables interesting and provoking and honest discussion :)) I have handcrafted my family interactions style, so I see the logic in it (and it has taken so much time and self-reflection and such), so I love teasing stuff out and explaining it. That's why I started this blog, actually! :))) I have always enjoyed our respectful and interesting discussions, and I look forward to many more, with the understanding that we have more in common than most think :))))
Hi, Vanessa.
I hope you're feeling better. I wanted you to know that I read your response and I appreciate you taking the time to think on it and write back.
Life has gotten in the way the past few days. I haven't had the time to write back yet, and it's pretty late now with bed calling to me.
I agree that we both have the best interests of our kids in mind! I respect that.
I appreciate you taking the time to chat with me! It's nice to have the opportunity to discuss things with you. Your demeanor is classy.
I'm going to head off to bed before my head falls off! Goodnight for now.
Hi, Cindy :)) Sorry that it took menso long to respond! I kept this in my email box to remind me, and then it got buried! A whirlwind holiday season :))
Thank you for the compliment <3 I look forward to more interesting discussions with you, via the secular group, park days, and here :))))
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