I'm starting with "The Impact of Najaia's Birth", because it was what I wrote first...
Creating a Legacy: Najaia's Birth (2nd Edition)
I wrote a version of Najaia's birth the morning after she was born, and I am glad that I have it, but it was a part of a process of the birth, so the one I want to share now will include parts of that one that are relevant, but a more current understanding of her birth experience and how it has impacted me. Part of the process of her birth was learning just how much before and after the birth are parts of the birth experience, too. Birth is so much more than just a physical act of bringing a baby into the world. This is my third child, but I have learned so much from this experience, it's hard to find the words… but I will try
This experience was more than just birth to me; it was life. It was the creation of a legacy of self-trust for my family, and it was raw and wild and real--it wasn't the spiritual Zen experience, channeling birth goddesses and ancient ancestors, that I had hoped (although, apparently, it looked like it from the outside); it was a manifestation of real life: "the blood, the shit, the pain, the ecstasy, the sweetness, the glory" (excerpt from the poem, "I Am" by a freebirth sister on unassistedbirth.com). Each of those are so symbolic to this birth, and combined they tell a story:
The blood, to me, was the large amount of blood that I lost after the birth but trusted that I was fine concerning, and also the blood clots that I passed after birth that symbolize, to me, uncertainty and interdependence [I had thought they were the placenta coming out in pieces, so we called Kim, a fellow freebirth sister, and asked her what she thought I could do to get the placenta out--just to be clear, I was not concerned about the placenta coming out in pieces, but I just desired some added support on how to get it all out, but found out they were not the placenta but were blood clots, which I had been unaware of]--uncertainty and interdependence are indicative of life and I embrace them in a freebirth, especially because people think the only way to have a safe freebirth is if you know everything possible--it's a little more realistic to not know everything, and I have found that is okay. The shit was SO raw, the raw part of life and birth--I was scared to "poop" while I was pushing (oh-so modest me) but overcame that QUICKLY (I laughed in the tub thinking how much I could care less about the shit, and I still laugh thinking about how embarrassed I thought I would be but how I ended up really feeling), and it was also the reason Kass changed her mind about climbing into the pool with me during the actual birth LOL. The pain--OH, I cannot express the pain that I was in, that I was not expecting, and what it meant, but I will get back to that. The ecstasy… I had a few contractions that were almost orgasmic, and I could TOTALLY see how birth could be orgasmic; it was amazing. The sweetness--well, she is sleeping on my lap nursing while I type this <3 And the glory was the moment she was born, the moment I had given birth, and it is the power and the legacy of this birth.
This birth was empowering beyond measure (I keep realizing how deeply I was impacted by it), humbling, amazing, "no big deal", momentarily scary, extremely challenging, and (the part I missed in the first edition of this) so very sacred. There was so much more pain than I had anticipated, and it had left me feeling, afterward, like I hadn't "done as good" as I could have (1st edition), but I am over that now (2nd edition). I understand that there was SO much residual stuff, from the hardships and challenges in this pregnancy that I thought I was over but came up during the birth process, and I am actually proud of myself for how well I rose to the occasion over and over--from the mental workout of psyching myself through every single contraction, to tapping into my body to know what was happening and what I needed to do, and being able to still work at comforting my kids' possible fears in between contractions. I fuckin' rock, and at one point I told myself that a few times in between contractions The pain could have easily been more than I could handle, but I kept myself in alignment with my goals, and I am so proud of myself for that. I know why I had the pain--the push of wanting to give birth (I'd been in labor long enough, I wanted it to be time, so I mentally was pushing it) and the pull of not being ready (that residual stuff I was talking about earlier combined with the fear of more of the pain I was experiencing).
So, the experience was VERY mental and VERY physical. It really did hurt so bad (some people may say "duh" when they read this, but my labor and birth with Kassidy did not hurt at all--in fact, when Kass' head was half-way out of me, I turned to my mom and said, "This is not as bad as they said it was going to be."--I REALLY had anticipated and realistically could have expected no pain), and with every contraction I was processing a new issue--I couldn't seem to get out of my head! It was very frustrating, which added to the stress and compounded the pain… not a good combination. It was challenging doing all that mental work and physically processing, too, during every contraction. I had chunks of contractions where I was at peace and it showed. Some contractions hurt a lot more than others; some you'd never know outwardly that I was having a contraction because it was so dealable. It wasn't always the intensity of the contraction that determined how I could handle it; oftentimes it was just how clear my head was, which was usually hard to duplicate, and I never knew what to expect with the next one nor what direction it would take. (No wonder, combined with lack of sleep, after she was born it felt like a dream and actually took days for reality to settle in--I'd used everything I had and had nothing on reserves!) Another reason I am impressed with myself is that even with how mentally and emotionally vulnerable I was, when I was trying to figure out why I felt like I wasn't dilating that last bit, I had a moment where my mind suggested maybe she was transverse, but I was able to tune-in to my body and know that wasn't true, feel my belly and prove it, and be reassured that it was safe to trust my body and our journey. I never worried (or really even questioned) whether I could do this or if something was wrong--I am impressed with that fact, now that I realize those were/are people's biggest fears about freebirth. Some mamas have called me a birthing goddess--I am OH-so flattered by that!!!! But I am not a goddess (it was my aspiration with my spiritual Zen hopes)--I am a human, and I understand why they say the gods envy us. This experience was something very mortal, which made it as empowering and impactful as it was.
A couple months ago, I had a very premature "reflection" of my freebirth: Part of me wants to exclaim, "I did it! I did it! I did it!" Another part wants to say, "Of course you did." It is a dichotomy I have been very much feeling since Najaia's birth. Some times or days I feel like I am just a fuckin' freebirthin' rockin' mama… and some times or days it has felt so common and normal. I guess the part that feels so exhilarating is contextual: being able to get past that fear and mistrust this society embeds in us. Some of the cool stuff is stuff I would have done regardless of my "assistance status", like the work, the processing, the listening to my body for direction and position… but the parts that were uniquely freebirth, like not knowing at any time how dilated I was and not having someone to tell me when I "could" push--they feel SO empowering to me (I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I was able to just BE with those parts of my labor, even if at some times I thought it could have been easier if someone had been able to just tell me), and yet, in another society, in another era, in another life, isn't that just normal? Although I totally see how any woman is capable of freebirth, I completely understand that it is not for everyone, especially with the norm in this country of not trusting oneself (or Mother Nature) and of relying on external experts (I have dubbed myself an "inpert" since my first draft of this birth story, btw . Freebirth is not something that I did--it's a bright red screaming thread in a tapestry I am weaving for my family and generations to come, a legacy of self-trust that I want to live and embed in my children (especially my future-birthing daughters). Freebirth was not the fairy tale I had dreamed it would be--it was hard, it was challenging, it was do-able… and I feel strong(er) because of it.
Since Najaia's birth, I have felt a calling toward really being a freebirth advocate, and I am doing it through raising awareness--I love telling people about it, love knowing that I am "living proof" that this is a real, viable option for women and something they may want to consider (not that they HAVE to, but that they can), and I hope that I can help make a difference in a woman's birth experience by sharing this, the way some very special mamas made this a reality in my life by sharing with me.
For the past few weeks, I keep having this clip from a song from the movie Brother Bear stuck in my head: "This has to be the most beautiful, the most peaceful place, I've ever been to. It's nothing like I've ever seen before… When I think about how far I've come, I can't believe it…but I see it." I woke up with that in my mind the early morning after Najaia's birth, when I was looking at my 3 sleeping children in my bed. Wow… There were all these things that I had wondered about and looked forward to, during my pregnancy, and now they are happening, and it is just surreal. I am in awe, just stuck in the moment and in love with the big picture, thinking, "This is my life." This is such a beautiful amazing adventure. It is a kind of peculiar relief that my family is complete--like now the real adventure begins! I have this darling little baby and my amazing toddler and my spunky pre-teen (she just informed us last night that this is what she is, at age 10). We are a rad family Life is good stuff. My body feels amazing--funny what "losing" 20+ pounds overnight does for one's energy level and such. Noble and I went to the park yesterday (Najaia was in the sling I made for her the night before), and we just played and had fun, and I feel like I can be the mama I want to be now--now that I am not big pregnant in the middle of a heat wave. It feels like a whole new lease on life, though! I can get my house done, and I can get us out of the house to do things exciting! I am just so excited that I can finally participate in life, rather than be looking forward to it I feel like my body is my own, because I am not having anymore babies. I am grateful for all the parenting and sustainability research I did, because I am ready to live it. I gave birth to Najaia, but I feel like I gave new birth to me, too. I am on a freebirthin' mama high!
Now the actual story:
My birth story actually starts years before. I had my daughter when I was 20, and I didn't feel ready at that time to have a homebirth (honestly, I just hadn't explored it enough, and couldn't afford a midwife), but I knew that I wanted to have one later. With my son, we lived in an apartment, and I was afraid of the sound factor (if I knew how AMAZING a homebirth was, I wouldn't have worried about that fact, but also, once again, we couldn't have afforded a midwife). When I got pregnant with my 3rd and last child, I knew this had to be a homebirth.... but, again, I could not afford a midwife. I had heard of unassisted childbirth (UC), and although it felt like something I could embrace as a birth option, I just couldn't imagine it for myself. However, when I found that I could not afford a midwife, a friend (celticreverie) mentioned it, and in explaining why I didn't feel comfortable with it (mostly, that I needed someone to lean on during the birth, that I was not concerned about problems because I knew my body grew and birthed healthy babies), I realized that I was much more okay with it than I had originally thought. I started doing some research on it, and I realized the potential for empowerment that it held [in fact, anyone who has read The Continuum Concept--I just realized that it ended up feeling like I was fulfilling my "continuum" and continuing to develop healthfully--gawd, I wish I had done this sooner]. Not only did I find the empowerment aspect of it, but I first learned just how safe and responsible it was. In fact, I fully believe that it is the safest option for normal birth, because without some "expert" in the room, the mother assumes her rightful role as expert of her bosy and birth, and can fully atune herself to her body and her baby and their birth path. So, I planned an unassisted home birth in water for this birth. (I also had planned on having a waterbirth for both of my children and was unable to for whatever reason, so I was determined with this one to have my water.)
On Wednesday, September 2nd, I started feeling contractions, but I didn't realize they were contractions (just that I felt pressure in my pelvis/cervix) until that night when I was posting something on CafeMom, titled "Not-quite Contractions". I'd probably had about 10 of them throughout the day, but it was during that post that I decided to feel my belly and realized that it was rock-hard: a contraction! I texted my friend, Sandy (who I had met here on CafeMom about 2 years prior to this birth and my sister, who were both going to attend the birth, just to let them know I was aving contractions and would let them know in the morning how I felt. I went to sleep that night expecting to labor all the next day and give birth that night, like had happened with my previous birth. I felt the contractions through the night while I dreamt of being wrapped in the blessings and love of the mamas I have grown so close to, from the CafeMom "group" I started, The Radical Mamas' Tribe--we call it the Tribe, and that is where/how I had met and knew Sandy (she had come down to visit a couple times before the birth).
I woke up the next morning (Thursday, Sept 3) still having contractions. They felt intense because there was an edge of pain in them (I think that was because they were inactive contractions), so I called Sandy and she began making the necessary arrangements to come down (it was a 3-hour drive). In the meantime, I called to check on the status of my pool I ordered over the weekend with the intention of birthing in. I had called Tuesday (the day I was supposed to have received it) and they had said it was shipped out, so I had intended to get the tracking number so I could contact Fed Ex and find out where it was to pick it up from them, but the company I ordered it from told me that it had not been shipped out yet, which meant there was NO way I was going to get it delivered that day. I became very upset and stressed out--a real mess. My contraction stalled and died down as I made arrangements and prepared for the 3 hour round-trip to go get it from their warehouse inland in the desert in the middle of a heat wave that was breaking records all over the county... ugh. We used the A/C, though, and it ended up being kind of a nice relief (I had been stressing about the kids bickering most of the day, and my brother volunteered to drive me to get the pool), but I can count on one hand how many times I had a contraction for the rest of the day and night. Sandy had shown up while we were off getting the pool, so we just took the rest of the day to enjoy each other's company and have fun with the kids (she has a son a week younger than Noble, my 2 1/2 year old son). As the sun started to set and my conractions had not picked up, I was stating to feel very bad that I had called Sandy to come down too early, but she assured me that she was going to stay until the birth and that her husband back at home had told her the baby would not be born until the next week--SOOO not funny LOL Sandy was SO awesome--she spoiled Kass and I with home-grown sprouts (which Kass loved so much and Sandy later sent Kass a book on how to grow her own and a couple packages of starter packs!) and other raw and healthy foods She LOVES us and took such good care of us <3 I cannot begin to describe the bond I feel toward this loving *sister* I am blessed to have in my life <3 Our kids get adore each other, too <3
So, Sandy had pumped up the pool so it would ready when we were, and that night my 10-year-old daughter, Kassidy, filled it with warm water while I posted my birth affirmations around the bathroom. When the pool was done, we climbed in together and talked about birth and just connected with each other. Kass asked if she could be in the pool when I birthed Najaia and if she could cut the cord (something I was really looking forward to doing, since I hadn't gotten to with my first 2, but felt it was more important to give that gift to Kassidy), and of course I said yes. She asked me about one of my birth affirmations, "I am creating a legacy of childbirth", and I had the honor of explaining what a legacy is and how I was starting one (since my own mother had been intervened with until they would not give her more time to birth naturally and then conned into repeat c-sections). [An amazing part about this extraordinary bonding experience was when I realized the next day that this WAS part of that legacy ]
The next morning (Friday, Sept 4), I woke up and felt 2 really great contractions. They didn't have that pain-edge, and I realized that they were active and that the other ones had been inactive. I was SO excited about these contractions because I could feel that they were the real deal, that they were going to do the job for me, and as I continued to have thm throughout the day (albeit few & far between), they gave me confidence in my pain-manageable birth--I was able to completely let go of my fear of pain completely (this was my biggest fear because Noble's birth had been so painful, followed by my fear of my reservations of bringing a 3rd child into the world impacting the speed and progress of my birth, followed by my fear of people distracting me from focusing on my birth and me getting irritated and interrupting my flow, followed by my fear of pooping during pushing with my friend there and a video camera on it). By this point, my younger sister and I had talked and she realized she was not going to be able to come for the birth because of work and needing to sleep. It was just going to be me, Sandy, and the kids (my brother took off at first whiff of birth--he doesn't handle his loved ones in pain very well at all and left when we got back with the pool to his friend's place until the day after Najaia was born). Also, I had been losing my mucus plug for the past day or so, and I even had it on the last tissue I used befoe giving birth.
As the sun went down, the contractions had not progressed, and I was starting to stress about how anyone can give birth with a toddler (the distraction and responsibility). My house was a disaster, so I had straightened up my room then went downstairs and started doing some serious cleaning in the kitchen and living room, which REALLY kicked my contractions up. I went upstairs and nursed Noble to sleep, then cleaned my bathroom really good (I had taken the birth affirmations down earlier), emptied the pool that the boys had been playing in and out of all day, then took a shower and doned my birth garb (lol) of a white tank top and a sarrong and my BlessingWay necklace which had beena gift from my fellow Tribesisters, and then I relaxed in bed (maybe this was when I nursed Noble to sleep?). The contractions were coming really good and each contraction made me very happy I actualy even had a couple of contractions that were on the verge of being orgasmic, and I thought, "This is going to be great." I went ahead and got up and started to re-prepare my birth shrine--I set up the birth affirmations (this time, I put one type on one wall and another type on another wall--can't explain what the "types" were, just that there were different themes to them) and put the candles and my Gaia statue on the counter, then did a video for Najaia showing her my birth shrine, then tried to fill the pool but could not lift the heavy buckets, so I had to go wake Sandy and ask her if she could fill it (I felt bad waking her up, because it was just after midnight and the last of the kids had just fallen asleep and she had just laid down to rest her eyes, but she just jumped right up and gladly filled it). I laid back down in the bed, but it did NOT feel as comfortable this time. I struggled to get comfortable and just focus on allowing my contractions to come and open me up to birth my baby. I had my eyes closed and when I opened them I saw Sandy lighting the candles and turning off the lights She had asked me how warm I wanted the water, and we agreed she could fill it up most of the way and then once I got it, finish it off to my temperature needs (that heat wave had left me skeptical that I would want hot water). By the time I climbed in, heat sounded like it would feel good and I was having back pains (probably from all the cleaning, but I thought she was posterior, which she could have been), so Sandy poured the last few bucketfuls of hot water straight onto my back, which felt DIVINE!
In the water, I felt most comfortable sitting back on my heels with my knees spread far apart, and then I would lean forward onto my hands during a contraction and focus so much on opening up. My big thing was opening up--every visualization was about opening, and I also visualized her coming down through a turtleneck sweater (the cervix stretching). Sandy put on my CD (Ray Linch's Deep Breakfast), and I just sat in my pool and *was* (irregular form of the verb "to be") with my labor and impending birth. Sandy was sitting back updating our friends via Facebook with he iphone (which she had been doing since she got there and continued to do throughout the birth path). At one point during this time, I remember watching Sandy on the floor petting and just totally loving on my cat, Sabastian, who hadn't come upstairs for weeks during the heat wave, but obviously knew something was going on--I remember watching how wonderful Sandy was with Bash and thinking I could not possibly love this woman any more than in this moment--boy, was I wrong!!! I really didn't want to have back labor and I thought it was because she was posterior (Kass had been posterior, so I "knew" posterior baby meant back labor, and she had been posterior all through my third trimester), so Sandy rubbed some herbally-medicinal oil on my lower back, giving me a massage. I decided I wanted to get down on all fours and wiggle my butt my in the air to get her to turn so I could have a comfortable remaining labor, but since the kids were on my bed, I decided to use my brother's (sorry, Ben LOL). I climbed up on all fours and started rolling my butt and hips around in circles, and it felt sooooooooooooo good. This was when I started having to vocalize. I ahd to go to the bathroom (which happened often), so I got up and went into my brother's bathroom, but a contraction started (they were erratic and inconsistant through my whole labor--just like with Noble's labor), so I just stood rolling my hips in a wide circle. As I was rolling my hips in circles, I imagined each circle sweeping around the edges of my cervix opening it wider and wider. It felt so good that after I left the bathroom, we set up the vinyl tablecloth on the floor with towels on it, and I did that and walked around in circles for quite a while. Sandy started videotaping, so we got a lot of footage of this time <3
The vocalization at this point was low groans and "hah hah hah"s and "mah mah mah"s, and at this place in my labor, I was doing it as kind of a chanting affirmation: "I want this baby, I want this baby, I want this baby" sounded like "hah hah hah hah, hah hah hah hah, hah hah hah hah". Sandy brought me a glass of ice for my water and a tuperware of freshly cut watermelon (my favorite food--she knew this <3). She was so unobtrusive about it, too, just slipped in and made only enough sound to let me know what she had done so I could partake in it. I did the circles for a while, then went into the bathroom (my brother's bathroom, as my toilet was inaccesable from the pool), where Bash followed me. It hurt so bad to even just try to sit down, and I had almost no breaks in between contractions, which were hurting soooo bad. I felt bad, but I was pushing Bash away--in the meantime, Sandy had come back upstairs and was looking for me (I saw this on the video LOL) and she found me and took Bash out of the room.
I went back in the room and climbed back into the tub (and wished the water could be a bit deeper so I could submerge my back). I was aware of few *times* (as in clock) during my labor, but I know it was around 4:40 when I felt like I was about 2 contractions away from being ready to push. We called a dear mutual friend of our's from the Tribe, Stardove, who wanted to be on speakerphone when I pushed, and we woke Kass up. I had felt like I was so close to pushing, and maybe I had been, but once I was a coupe cntractions deeper I felt like I wasn't completely-completely dilated because I didn't feel open enough and when I tested pushing, it didn't feel like I felt like it should. This was when the labor started to get painful and serious. Sometimes my legs were shaking, like they did when I was pushing with Noble (and probably Kass). Every contraction was a struggle between wanting to just give birth already and being afraid of having the new baby--I was having trouble surrendering, and also afraid of the pain if I surrendered because it was hurting so much already. So, for the next 2 ours-ish, I tried to visualize and complete opening up, as I rode through the very painful contractions and softly "hah hah hah" pushed when I felt compelled, to sustain me--sometimes my body felt compulsive about wanting to just clamp down and push, but the soft pushes satisfied that urge and didn't hurt as bad as trying to actually push did. I was getting louder and louder with my vocalizations, but the boys were still sleeping not 5 feet away, so I couldn't have been THAT loud. At one point I got very vocal and during a contraction I yelled at my cervix to open with a loud deep moan. For more depth on the mental stuff during this time, read "The Impact of Najaia's Birth".
As soon as Kass had woken up, I felt the need to not freak her out, to give her an experience she wouldn't be afraid to repeat someday, so when she told me that it looked like it hurt, I explained that it was just hard work. that's all. Also, I found myself being the comic relief at times, like once after a pretty intense "hah hah hah" contraction, I turned to Kass and said, "This is pretty funny stuff, huh?" We all laughed (even Stardove on the phone), but I couldn't use that sound for a few more contractions, because I was afraid it would be funny and I would laugh which would hurt and I'd crack and lose it. This was also when I started feeling empowered. I was saying freebirth rocked and that I fuckin rocked I asked them to read some of the birth afirmations, and I was REALLY feeling one in particular (it was an excerpt from a poem by a fellow freebirthing sister, called, "I Am"): "the blood, the shit, the pain, the sweetness, the ecstasy, the glory" (from memory--hopefully I got them right and in the right order!). That one was SO profound for me (which I explain more of in my "Impact" part of this birth story). We videotaped part of this time, but realized we were running out of videotape, so we turned it off to save room for the actual birth. I also remember, during this time, searching my birth affirmations for some inspiration to help me through these contractions, but they were SO not applicable - hahaha. The pain felt like too much. Also, at one point, I kept feeling up inside of me to see if I could feel how dilated I was (I am SO uneducated on this--didn't even know what was my cervix! so that didn't help) or if I could feel the head, but I couldn't. Se I rested my hand at the opening of my yoni and welcomed my baby to come down. I kept saying, "I welcome you." I think it was around this time that I started to realize how contrary I was actually feeling to this, that I was actually still quite scared of bringing her into the world, so I tried to process this and work through it so I could very much welcome her into the world.
Around 6am, I was having a contraction when Sandy and I heard Kass say, "Hi, Nobi." I freaked out in the middle of that contraction and was starting to really stress, but Kass was a PRO with him! In fact, I found peace again through chanting, "He's fine, he's fine, he's fine" with "hah hah, hah hah, hah hah"s, and those were some of my easiest contractions to ride. Noble's presence REALLY required me to "rise to the parenting occasion" to not freak him out. I smiled a lot during contractions and was very affectionate and told him I was having his baby sister (he watched birth videos with us, so I figured he knew what I meant) and invited him to join in on my "hah hah hah"s or "heh heh heh"s or whatever vowel fit. At one point during a contraction, Noble turned the volume knob on the music up REALLY loud and I couldn't help but yelp loudly in surprise and pain (my poor ears, and my poor contraction)--he ran off down the hall and was crying My poor little dude <3 That was tied for "worst contraction" with the second half of the one when Noble woke up. I was alright, though... we all were. When I got up again to stand and roll my hips in circles (I was getting desperate for my cervix to finish opening, so I could birth already), I asked him if he wanted to dance with me.
I can't remember if I got back into the pool again and was just so miserable, but I hit a point where I was tired of the painful contractions and just wanted to be done. I climbed up on the bed and did the all-fours booty wiggle, begging the baby to roll over. Noble climbed up onto the bed next to me wanting to nurse! Then I got back into the pool, and either shortly after or immediately decided to start pushing. Part of me felt like I wasn't all the way dilated, but a bigger part felt like I was far enough and didn't care at that point. The first couple pushes HURT (I was probably forcing the last of my cervix to open or get out of the way), but the pushing felt GREAT and soooooo right (after those first couple). Around this time, Sandy's son, Eli, woke up, and so the boys were off playing, requiring Sandy and often Kassidy, so I was mostly pushing alone. It took a few contractions before I felt the head move down into the birth canal, and I yelled, "Head!" Sandy and Kass came running over and I think I told them it wasn't out yet, that I had just felt it inside of me (the reason I say I "think" is because Stardove did not hear me say anything--she thought the head was out and panicked a bit when she wasn't born in the next couple minutes... Yes, Stardove had remained on the phone for the whole 2 hours!!!!!). Pushing is the best part of labor--you can do something with the energy inside of you (channel it), the time in-between contractions is a real break, and it means it is almost time to hold your baby! Also, for me, it meant being totally out of my head (I had been mentally processing stuff I can't quite put into words with each contraction--more details in my "Impact" part).
During this time, I kept feeling for the baby's head, and the first time I felt it was absolutely amazing!!!! I called for Sandy and Kass, and Sandy went to get the camera. Kass was standing there smiling so big. I couldn't take my hands off her head--I felt something on it and was trying to figure out what it was... "HAIR! She has hair! Oh my god, she has a LOT of hair!!!" Kass got very excited about this, and I asked if she wanted to feel. She looked at the condition of the water (remember my fear about pooping in the water, well I got over that fear fast) and said she would wait--hahaha. I couldn't stop feeling the baby's hair It was time to push again, and Sandy was there with the camera. Kass was trying to work the video camera (Sandy helped her set it up). It was still pretty dark in the enclosed bathroom and Kass was telling Sandy to take more pics because the flash helped the videocamera to see. I pushed hard to get the head out, and I was rubbing and stretching out my yoni so that I wouldn't tear. It seemed like I sat there for a long time with the head out--Sandy was taking a ton of pics. And then it was time to push again, and I pushed HARD to get the body out. She floated up face-down. I caught her, turned her over, and pulled her up to me. She was born at 7:01am.
[The afterbirth parts may be slightly out of order.] As soon as I looked in her eyes, I thought how gorgeous they were and the name Kadara jumped out at me, but I pushed it away because I don't want it to be her first name, but her middle--this all took a split second. I was immediately amazed with how beautiful she was (funny how amazing it is to finally see what she looks like after wondering for so long, you know?). We called for Noble and told him that he had a baby sister--he wanted to climb into the pool with me, and I did't deny him. I kept commenting on the fact that she had so much hair. Kass was amazed by the birth and said something like, "You just had a baby, and all you can talk about is her having hair?" (Both my babies were bald, so this was amazing to me!) Noble had taken off his diaper and climbed into the pool, and Kass was crying in amazement, saying this was the happiest she had ever been in her life. Someone handed me the blanket I had set aside to wrap her in, and I remmbered we needed to sterilize the scissors to cut the cord, so I asked Sandy if she wouldn't mind doing that. Noble and I marvelled at her up close, and Kass from a short distance. I told Noble that she came out of my yoni, and a little bit later he asked if we could put her back--it was so funny because that is such a typical older sibling question, even if he meant it more factually than that he was sick of her and wanted her to go back now.
I was having some cramps and the urge to push, but when I pushed the cord was still going up inside of me. I pushed about 3 times. I asked Sandy to call a fellow freebirthing friend of our's from the Tribe, because I thought it was the placenta coming out in pieces, and so I wanted some ideas from her as to what I could do to make sure and get all of the pieces out (I was not worried about it being in pieces, because it was only a problem if all the pieces didn't come out), especially the piece where the cord was attached! Kim suggested that it wasn't the placenta coming out in pieces but blood clots--they were VERY large blood clots and lots of them, but they came out. Sandy and Kim somehow got disconnected, but I was okay. I laid in the pool with Najaia for ahile waiting for the placenta to come out and dozing off between those painful freakin afterpains--it hurt to try to sit up, so we just laid there and rested. At some point, we called my mom to tell her the baby was born. At about 8:00, we decided to go ahead and cut the cord. We tied it off with a string MB (a fellow Tribesister) had sent for another purpose for Najaia, but I hadn't gotten it in time, and then Sandy shielded Najaia's skin while Kass cut the cord At this point, I was ready to get out of the water.
Kass grabbed a new, dry blanket for the baby, and I handed Najaia to Kass, who had wanted to be the second one to hold her, while I climbed into the shower. Once in the shower, I gave a tiny push and the placenta fell out. Kass got me a bag to put it in. I washed up in the shower, got out and got dressed, and climbed into bed. Sandy was holding the baby, so I took the opportunity to nurse Noble, who fell asleep immediately. I then scooted Noble over, got Najaia back from Sandy, and nursed her. We both dozed off for a few minutes. My mom showed up with delicious food for everyone. Life felt unreal at that point--between the lack of sleep, hard work, adrenaline and hormones and goodness-knows what else...
I can't remember the details of the rest of the day, but I was awake for most of the day during visits and also slept during some of those same visits. I cannot begin to express how supported I was during this birth and shortly thereafter (in no particular order, except the first 2):
Sandy, foremost, who put her life on hold, drove 3 hours to me, pampered me with amazing food and even better companionship <3, and was prepared to keep her life on hold and patiently wait for Najaia's birth. She was the perfect birth companion--completely unobtrusive, perfectly responsive, helpful in all the right ways, and documented most of the labor and got the most amazing pics of the delivery and afterward. She emptied the tub and tidied up and brought me some laundry soap. Even though she was EXHAUSTED, she waited until Annette came before she left. She is beyond amazing! Every moment I just kept thinking, I love you more than I did a moment ago <3 My mom used to ask us, when we were kids, "Have I told you recently how much I love you?" Every time I was overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for her, I asked her this (even after she had left and I couldn't stop thinking about her).
Kass ROCKS! She was so amazing to bond with during this time, and I am SO grateful at how voluntarily helpful she was (filling the tub, helping with Noble when I woke up, holding the baby whenever I needed to get up and do something).
Stardove stayed on the phone for over 2 hours listening to my birth experience. She also kept the Tribe updated on the details for days, by stalking Sandy's Facebook account. During those days, she was so excited that she attached her laptop to her hip, stayed up until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore, and waited with baited breath <3
Many Tribesisters were stalking the posts, sending Blessings and energy through various forms, and pasted poems for her birth <3 So much love <3
Karina got me the gas cards so I could go get my pool and a card signed by loved ones at my old school (even went to 3 different stores to find a card with a mixed baby on it), and came over the day of her birth and helped and stuck around and talked <3
My mom brought us all crepes for breakfast (along with food for the fridge for later) and posted a very sweet status message on MySpace about having an abnormally darling new granddaughter.
My sister came over and brought food for us to eat later and yummies for the time Her boyfriend took Noble outside to play for a while, so he could get some energy out and fresh air and such.
Annette came over for a few hours, and we talked for a little while, and then I got some rest.
It was amazing.....
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